Chapter 4
Four
Teddy
I can already tell I’m doing a shitty job. He knows something’s wrong, but he doesn’t know what—which makes me feel even shittier.
Last night was bittersweet; I’ve longed to be wrapped in his arms for too long, but they felt like barbed wire. Every point of contact cut into my skin with the knowledge that he’ll never want me like I want him.
The worst part is, somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt good about it.
About taking advantage of his platonic affection.
I secretly adored it. I had to refrain from breathing in his cigarette tainted scent too loudly.
I had to secure my hands in one spot and prevent them from roaming across the hard planes of his stomach.
It was most difficult to keep my hips from rutting against his side.
But I did it, and it was both agonizing and euphoric.
That’s the kind of thing I want to prevent from happening ever again.
I didn’t intend for it to happen last night, but he sounded so unsure of himself when he spoke up in the quiet of the hotel room.
It’s so unlike him, and knowing that my fucked-up problem is whittling away at his confidence was too much for me to bear.
I shoot a text to Damon asking for his help with getting my stuff from Asher’s house. I feel bad for asking, but he has a car, and I have too many things to carry all the way to Liam’s.
Damon: No worries, man. Be there soon.
I open the wardrobe where Liam grabbed my clothes from last night and search for some jeans.
I easily find my clothes because they’re the only splash of color in the pile.
I get dressed quickly and check myself in the mirror.
My hair is wild as usual, so I try to adjust it a bit with my fingers, with no luck. Whatever.
When I open the front door, the sweet earthy smell of weed smoke fills my nose, bringing a smile to my lips.
Liam immediately holds the blunt out to me.
I hold the hot smoke in my lungs as long as I can while taking in the strip of rooms in the daylight.
A few other people are sitting in their chairs too and some kids are riding their bicycles around the parking lot.
My mind immediately jumps back in time to when Liam and I would hang out around the hotel as kids.
My mom and I lived there for one school year, and when we moved, I was so worried we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
The fear was crippling. I thought for sure he wouldn’t care about hanging out with me if I didn’t live there.
That maybe I was just a charity case for him—one he couldn’t ignore since I was right there in his face.
I was wrong though. The first day after moving, he met up with me at our usual spot by the bike racks at school and told me to take him to my new house.
We skated there, to the apartment that managed to look even shittier than the hotel.
Before he left, he said, “You coming over tomorrow?” Warmth spreads through my chest at the memory.
“What are you smiling about?” Liam says, jolting me from my thoughts.
“Remember when I cried because I thought you didn’t want to be my friend anymore after I moved?” I say in between my laughs.
His dark eyes crinkle at the corners and he shakes his head a little bit. “Of course. I told you to quit being a dumbass, because you’re stuck with me.” He chuckles. “Not much has changed.”
The loud thrum of bass rattles the thin window behind us as Damon’s car pulls into the parking lot.
“I asked Dame to take me to get my stuff since he has a car.” My eyes latch on to his thumb and forefinger pulling on one of his thin dreads. His hair is like a mane around his head. Even while sitting in a shitty plastic chair in front of a hotel room, he looks like a king.
He stands up and walks up to Damon’s car, the muscles in his broad back rippling as he moves. Damon rolls down the window and Liam hands him the blunt.
I finally break from my drooling stupor and approach the car. I hear the tail end of what Liam tells him. “Let me know if he tries something, I’ll fuck him up.”
I roll my eyes, but I know he’s dead serious.
We pull up to Asher’s house. “Damn, of course his family is loaded,” Damon says.
It’s obvious how much we don’t belong here. This perfect suburban neighborhood, where every house looks the same and every yard is maintained—not a single brown spot in sight. It’s the type of neighborhood we would go to for the best Halloween candy as kids.
I take a deep breath to steady myself. This could go either way. He could flip his fucking lid, or he might try to win me back.
“Just stay in the car, I’ll bring the stuff out.”
“Sure thing.” Dame sighs.
I ring the doorbell and hear it echo through the overly large house. The tall door is pulled open by his mom in a moment. “Hey, Mrs. Andrews, is Asher here?” I ask.
She peers around me to the black car in the driveway, I know she can’t see through the tinted windows, but a single hand with a cigarette hangs out the window.
“That’s my friend, Damon. I won’t be long; he’s just waiting for me.”
“Okay, honey. He’s upstairs,” she says, sounding mildly uncomfortable.
My round cheeks and small stature give people the impression that I’m young and na?ve for some reason. It used to bother me a lot, but now I use it to my advantage. Someone like Mrs. Andrews would never allow me into her home if she knew how I really am.
When I make it up the stairs, I see Asher’s door is open and he’s leaning against the jam, arms folded across his chest. My eyes catch on the dark purple bruise marring his perfectly chiseled cheekbone.
Hesitantly, I step up closer to him. I don’t even know what to say; I’ve never had to break up with someone face-to-face like this.
“Um. Hi,” I mumble, already off to a bad start.
“We need to talk,” he says confidently.
“I kinda just wanted to get my stuff…” I trail off. But he turns around and walks back to his bed.
“It’s fucked up how you didn’t leave with me yesterday. You’re supposed to be my boyfriend.”
I cough and cover my mouth to disguise the smile threatening to show itself. It’s not that funny, but I tend to smile or laugh when I’m feeling awkward like this.
I try my hardest to paste a serious expression on my face. “I mean, you disrespected my friend, and you were being a little aggressive.”
“ Your friend punched me in the face, and you say I’m the aggressive one?” He scoffs, and I realize how dumb it sounds.
“Well, he did that after the fact,” I point out, my brows pulling together in annoyance.
I wanted to break up with him anyway, and now I’m trying to use this as a catalyst. It’s not genuine, so I try a different approach.
“You know. You and I are very different, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. ”
He stands up suddenly, stalking toward me. He tips my chin up with his finger, his eyes searching my gaze, probably trying to gage how serious I am.
“I think we get along just fine,” he says, voice low and husky. He seals his lips to mine in a soft and gentle kiss. Warmth floods me, despite everything. I’m starved for touch, I can’t help it. He trails his lips to the corner of my mouth, down my chin, to my neck.
My chest heaves as he latches his lips to my neck and sucks.
I need to stop this. But I don’t. I bury my hands in his hair and pull him closer. He breaks the suction and looks into my half-lidded eyes.
“See. You still want me,” he rasps. And it’s not true. I don’t want him . I want to be touched like this, but not by him.
I take a step back to separate us. “I can’t do this. I just can’t. I need some space. I came here to get my stuff; Damon’s waiting for me outside.”
He folds his arms over his chest again and looks me up and down.
“And where are you gonna go, Teddy?” he snarks.
“Liam’s.” Saying it out loud makes my stomach flip.
His nostrils flare. “Interesting. Well, when you’re done pining after a straight guy, don’t come crying to me about it.”
I gasp. All the blood drains from my face as I slap my hand over my mouth. I’m so fucked. He’ll tell him; I know he will.
I steel my expression. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Ash. He’s just my friend.” I grab my duffel from his closet and start throwing all my clothes in it.
“I’m not fucking stupid, you know. I can tell something’s off between you two.”
“You’re wrong,” I bite out, trying my hardest to make it sound like the truth.
Once all my stuff is packed, I head toward the door, hoping this is the last time I ever see him because I guarantee he won’t keep this to himself next time.
“I really liked you, you know,” he says from the bed, finally resigned to the situation.
“You don’t even know me.” I jog down the stairs as quickly as I can with all my things weighing me down. Luckily, I don’t see his mom when I enter the foyer. I wouldn’t even know how to explain myself.
Damon pops the trunk as soon as he sees me step out. I load my things into it and slide into the passenger seat. My thoughts are like alarms blaring in my head. I can’t take it anymore. It must be pretty obvious because he doesn’t say anything, just turns up the volume on his stereo.
The song “Panic” by From Ashes to New blasts through the speakers as I sink into the seat, wishing I could disappear from the face of the planet.