Curry-induced honesty #2
“Believe me, I’m not. Or only very recently.
I just realised earlier today that I don’t have to decide straight away.
I can give myself time to figure things out and only then make up my mind.
I’ve also come to see that my feelings are just as valid as Glenna and Davina’s, and vice versa.
That sounds like a no-brainer, and of course I have always known that.
But it’s a totally different story when it concerns you so directly.
For a while I felt like the victim, while they were the bad guys who had destroyed my life plan.
Not once, but several times over. That’s a terrible feeling. ”
“I get that,” she commented quietly and took a moment to reflect on her own story.
If she was honest, hers were hollow words, because she had no idea what it was like to be pushed into a corner like that.
She didn’t know what it was like to have someone crush your life’s dreams. She didn’t know any of it because ...
“Oh crap!” she exclaimed aghast. Not because of him, but now she too had had a sudden realisation.
“It’s not that bad,” he dismissed her comment and frowned. Naturally, he had taken her little outburst as a response to what he had just told her. No he probably thought – again – that she was highly strung or flighty.
“No, sorry! I didn’t mean you or your story,” she replied quickly. “I ... I just realised something. I just said that I get it, but that was a lie. Well, not a lie exactly. Of course I get how terrible this all must be for you. But I can’t really empathise – and that was what shocked me.”
“I for one certainly envy you this lack of experience,” he replied dryly.
“That’s fair. But I’m not even talking about the specific situation.
Nobody needs that. I’m talking more about the general experience.
I’ve never even had a lifelong dream someone could destroy, not on a personal level.
And I’ve never been in an exclusive relationship in which I really had to be with another person – and it just struck me a moment ago why that is.
Because I don’t really want to be with myself.
I’ve never given much thought to who I am and what I want. Does that make sense?”
“No, I’m not sure it does. I rather think you know exactly what you want. I mean, if you didn’t you would hardly have taken on all it involves to build your own business. That’s not something you do on a whim. I’m sure you thought long and hard about it and have worked towards it.”
“That’s true. But that’s work. My private life ...”
“You can’t separate work and life like that,” he cut in. “You’re always the same person. A person who makes decisions – some professional, others personal.”
Shona vehemently shook her head. “No, no, those are completely different things. Professional Shona is clear and determined. She knows what she wants, has a long-term strategy, implements her plans point by point, handles problems and setbacks and finds solutions. But private Shona ...” She fell silent and looked at him as if he could provide the answers she was seeking.
“I don’t know who she is,” she admitted quietly.
“I feel like I’ve played a role my entire life.
The pampered little sister. The baby of the family whose fault it is that her siblings grew up without a mum. The ...”
“Did your mum die giving birth to you?” Kendrick interjected again.
“Not quite, a few months later. She was diagnosed with cancer while she was pregnant with me and had to make a choice: have a healthy child or undergo aggressive treatment that might have saved her life.” Shona swallowed.
She had never shared this part of her story with anyone outside her family.
In fact, they had never talked about it within the family either – if you didn’t count the time when Lennox had confronted her when they were kids.
“That’s awful. I am so sorry,” he murmured and sounded genuine.
“I can’t even imagine how terrible the situation must have been for my ma. Having to make a decision like that is so cruel. But I wonder what would have happened if she had opted for the chemo. I wouldn’t be here, that’s a given, but maybe my da and my siblings would be happier.”
“Neither your father nor your siblings look particularly unhappy to me, but that’s not the point.
It must have been devastating for your parents to receive this diagnosis and have to make that choice.
But I was talking about you: how awful to go through life carrying such a heavy burden.
” He reached across the table for her hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb.
Shona stared at him, stunned. He had managed to put in one sentence what she had always felt, even if she had never dared to admit it to herself.
Yes, she had been born with a heavy, almost unbearable burden.
But she had always thought she should be grateful.
Grateful that she got to live in the first place.
Which she was. But it didn’t make her life carefree – even though that was exactly what she tried to project to others.
Shona noticed a tear rolling down her cheek, and soon more followed.
She didn’t mean to cry, especially not in front of Kendrick, but she couldn’t help it.
And Kendrick was just there, holding her hand.
“Everyone keeps telling me how much I look like my ma, and I always feel I have to be like her too. But I don’t even know what she was like.
And I don’t know what I’m like either. Who I am.
” The tears were flowing uncontrollably now as Shona stopped suppressing the pent-up pain.
Kendrick kept stroking her hand, and the dogs came over too, one to put their head on her knees, the other to lick her face.
So much pain and so much unexpected comfort.
After a while, Kendrick rose, only to kneel down in front of her chair and wrap his arms around her.
She held on to him and cried until she had no tears left.
His shirt was soaked, but he didn’t seem to mind.
He gently caressed her back and hair and murmured soothing words in her ear.
At some point, she pulled away and wiped her eyes on her hands. “I’m sorry,” she apologised miserably.
“Shall I tell you who I think you are?” he asked quietly, without acknowledging her apology.
“As I see it, you are a woman with a huge heart. Just look at your herd of alpacas and your two dogs, who know exactly who their human is, after only a few hours. You are not afraid of huge tasks. I mean, who else would be brave enough to start a distillery these days? More or less single-handedly.”
“I’ve had a lot of support.”
“Of course you have. Because you’ve convinced people that it’s a bloody great idea to invest in this project!
” Kendrick remained undeterred. “You are a beautiful woman who enjoys life and moves in a way that makes every man who sees her swoon. You have an incredibly strong sense of family. You are ...”
“I am manipulative and fat, and Kristy is a much better dancer than I am. As for my sense of family – they all think I’m spoilt and selfish. Which is probably fair enough.”
Kendrick shook his head and held her by the shoulders. “Why would you think that? How can you have such a low opinion of yourself?”
Well, why? Because it was the truth? Because it was easier?
Because it fit with her idea of herself – or what she thought that was?
“I could ask you the same thing: why did you have such a low opinion of yourself? Why did you think you weren’t lovable enough for your girlfriend to stay with you?
Why do you think Glenna and Davina’s wishes are more important than your own?
” Shona had no idea why she would say all these things about him, but at this moment, it felt incredibly important to her to get to the bottom of it.
And she found it much easier to confront his demons than her own.
“You’re very empathetic when you let yourself go there,” he said with a surprised smile.
“I haven’t said any of that, and you’re still able to sum up precisely how I felt.
And to answer your questions: I was hurt, understandably so I’d say, but my ego took a huge hit too.
The breakup came as a shock and messed with my confidence.
I was hurt and upset and only willing to see the immediate pain, not what lay beneath.
I reckon it might be similar for you, huh? ”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I always thought that if I played the role life had assigned me well enough, everything would be okay.”
“And what is that role?”
“The cheerful, easy-going, pampered and selfish baby sister.” She looked at him, curious to see his reaction, and was surprised to find it quite different from what she had expected.