Chapter 14
Trevor awoke the following morning, his head still buzzing with excitement from the previous night.
He swung his legs out and walked toward the window.
The fires from the previous night had been doused.
Black ash stained the ground while the carcass hung on the spit roast, stripped of all its meat.
There were a few people who were stumbling around in a haze, evidently having spent most of the night drinking.
Trevor was in something of a stupor himself, although it was not due to any alcohol.
No, indeed, it was due to the most intoxicating presence of all: Emma.
He raised his hands to touch his lips and remembered the kiss they had shared.
The night had been one of joy and happiness.
He couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so much or when his soul had been in communion with another.
It was as though nothing in the world had mattered except the fun they were having.
That was true as he escorted her back to the farm as well.
When she was in his arms, the world had stopped spinning and everything felt as it was meant to feel.
The kiss had stirred something in his heart, and he longed to feel it again, but then he sighed.
He needed to turn his heart to stone. Developing feelings for Emma was a bad idea.
He gripped the windowsill so tight that he almost crumbled the stone in his hands.
He needed to return to London. That was where his life was, where his future lay, and it was where he needed to be.
It was his home, and he still had unfinished business there.
As cozy and comfortable as this place was, he knew he wouldn’t be happy here.
It was a slow and steady way of life, while he needed action.
If he wasn’t given distraction, then he might well fall into old habits, and he was certain that there were plenty of men in the Highlands who would be eager to fight him for the chance of knocking an Englishman’s teeth out.
But that only made it harder to leave. The longer he stayed, the harder he knew it was going to be, both on himself and Emma.
She was such a poor, sweet soul, and she deserved someone better than him.
He hadn’t yet been honest about his past, and although she could lose herself in the excitement of seeing a stranger, he knew that she didn’t truly love him.
She just liked him because he was different, because he represented the sense of adventure that was pulling her away from this place.
She was still young with her whole future ahead of her, and there would be plenty of more eligible men to win her hand and her heart.
Her virtue and her love were wasted on a monster like him.
It was better to leave while he still had his wits about him. Emma would probably never forgive him, but she wouldn’t be the first woman who hated him, and a broken heart might serve her well. It was a good thing to be cautious in love.
He spoke all these lies to himself to persuade himself to leave, for deep down, he wanted to stay with her and explore these feelings that were new to him.
After he had turned thirty, he was arrogant enough to think that he had experienced all he needed to experience in the world and that there was nothing left to learn.
Emma had shown him that he was wrong. There were still parts of his heart that had not been touched, parts of his life that needed to be cultivated and explored.
If only he were the type of man who deserved all this.
He turned away from the window and curled his hands into fists, thinking about all the times they had been covered in blood.
There were taints on his soul that could never be cleansed no matter how hard he tried and no matter if he received the love of a good woman.
He had to find Lyndsay and tell her that he was leaving before Emma had a chance to find him again because he worried that if he saw her once more, then he would find it impossible to leave.
There was no mistaking Lyndsay’s blonde hair bobbing amongst the other villagers as they cleaned up after the festival.
They celebrated together, but they also mucked in together and shared the burden of chores.
For a moment, Trevor saw the blonde hair and thought it was Emma.
His heart skipped a beat, and he cursed himself for being so weak.
He had let this business matter become personal, and he couldn’t believe he had been so foolish.
“Lyndsay, may I have a word with you?” he asked, gently pulling her away from the crowd. Lyndsay nodded and told the others that she would return presently. She and Trevor moved out of earshot.
“It’s good to see you’re well. Did you enjoy our little festival?” Lyndsay asked.
“I did indeed. It was a wonderful time, and I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to experience it. It’s not something that I’m ever likely to forget.”
“Everyone will be glad to hear it,” Lyndsay said, although, by everyone, he assumed she meant Emma.
“I know that you’d like to hear my answer, but I still don’t think I’m ready.
It’s a more difficult matter to think about than I first realized.
When I heard that I still had land from my father, well, I was taken aback.
Frankly, I don’t have many fond memories of the man.
He loved me in his own way, although if you ask me, he was far too quick to try and get me married. ”
Trevor offered a small smile, but in truth, he hadn’t gone to her to listen to her life story.
He glanced around uneasily, knowing that at any moment, Emma could appear, and if she did, then his entire plan would crumble.
Just the mere thought of her made his heart burst with a yearning desire to be close to her again, to feel the warmth of her hands and to breathe in the sweet aroma of the air around her, and to once again feel the pressure of her lips against his.
It was such a sweet, sweet longing that it began to hurt.
Trevor was a man who had experienced much pain in his life.
He had tasted blood and felt his bones being fractured, and of course, he had the scars to display all the rigors his body had been through.
Yet, never had there been a pain as deep and as striking as this one.
It was as though it had charged through every defense he had and struck directly at his heart.
The only cure was distance, to gallop back to the safety of England and throw himself into yet more work, and then perhaps one day he would be able to dislodge this fair Scottish maiden from his mind.
However, a part of him wondered if he would ever be able to go on living as he had done before.
“I’m sure it must have been difficult for you, and I know that my presence here has been quite a shock. Believe me, I never intended to cause discord between you and your husband or seek to disrupt your life here,” he said.
Lyndsay waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about Douglas.
I can handle him. He just doesn’t like change.
He’s spent most of his life on alert so when something new comes along to challenge the natural order of things, his instinct is to fight it rather than think it through. I’ll be able to manage him.”
“I’m sure you will, but that’s what I came to talk to you about,” Trevor said, and paused for a moment to collect his thoughts.
He wanted to ensure that the words did not become muddled as they moved from his mind to his mouth.
“When I came to Scotland, I thought that I would be doing you a service. I assumed that if you were still alive, then you would want to know about the estate and be excited about returning to claim your birthright. However, now that I’m here, I can see that you have forged an excellent life for yourself, one that would be the envy of most people and one that certainly inspires that feeling within me.
You have a loving family and a comfortable life.
You are a part of a village that cares for one another and takes joy in festivals and each other’s company.
To be in your home is to see happiness made real. ”
Lyndsay smiled widely and seemed touched by what he said, although he wasn’t done yet.
“I don’t wish to speak for you, but it seems to me that you have everything you could ever want here.
I don’t believe that your father’s money would make you any happier because wealth is not the source of your happiness.
Taking you away from this place, even if only for a brief time, would be a sin.
Your husband loves you dearly. I thought at first that he was a typical stubborn Highlander, but after speaking to him and after seeing you two dancing at the festival last night, I can see that he simply doesn’t want his paradise to be taken away from him.
I’m not sure I could live with myself if I was the man who shattered this happy vision of life.
I will make sure that the matter is settled to your satisfaction, but unless you have any strong desire to return to England, I shall take my leave, and you can get back to your life,” he said.
He didn’t expect her to decline his offer or tell him to stay. Tears glistened in her eyes, and she nodded.
“I suppose you are the expert in these matters, and I would be wise to follow your counsel. While I am curious about the estate I left behind, I have forged a life here that is far from England, and I cannot allow the past to ruin my present or my future,” she said.
Trevor inclined his head and considered the matter settled, but as he turned away, she caught his attention with something else that she wanted to say.
“I think it’s sweet that you were so taken by the sight of my husband and I dancing at the festival.
In fact, I was quite taken by the sight of you dancing with my daughter.
I can’t remember the last time I saw her that happy, or that free.
By the look on your face and the sound of your laughter, I imagine it has been some time since you have felt like that as well,” she said with an inquiring look.
Trevor shifted his weight between his feet and wasn’t quite sure how to respond.
“In fact,” Lyndsay continued, “over the past few days, I have noticed a change in my daughter’s mood, and I daresay I’ve noticed a change in yours as well. Are you in love with my daughter, Mr. Whitehall?”
A lump appeared in Trevor’s throat. He wasn’t sure if Lyndsay would approve of his feelings for Emma or not, not that it made any difference in the grand scheme of things. Again, he did not want to ruin their lives, and taking Emma away would most certainly make them unhappy.
“If I do, then I promise I will leave on good terms,” he said, and left it at that.
He returned to the inn to gather his things and prepared to take his leave, his heart hollow at the thought of making the journey through England once again.
He knew he was going to leave a piece of himself here, and he would never come back to reclaim it.
Although perhaps in the future, when he was old and grey, he would make one final trip here, and perhaps he would see a young girl with blonde hair who spoke of her mother in glowing terms, and Trevor would know that Emma had a good life.