Chapter 21
Penny
My body feels like it’s wrapped in a warm hug when I blink my eyes open. My head is against Declan’s chest, and our legs are intertwined. Light is shining through the window, signaling it’s morning, and a moment later I hear my daughter from the other side of the bed.
“Mommy, did Declan spend the night?”
Oh, no.
Declan’s eyes pop open, and we both turn our heads toward my little human. I never should have taught her how to use a bobby pin to pop the locks on the doors. The only saving grace is that we’re one hundred percent covered by the bed sheets.
“Autumn, can you give us some privacy? Why don’t you go turn on some cartoons?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Okay. Good morning, Dec,” she sing songs.
Declan raises his hand to wave but doesn’t say anything. When Autumn leaves the room, I rush to the door to shut it behind her.
“Fuck,” Declan says while wiping the sleep from his face. “I am so sorry. I must have fallen asleep last night. I didn’t mean to stay over.”
I take a deep breath, so I don’t freak out. “It will be fine. I’ll just tell her the truth; you were tired and fell asleep here.”
His brow quirks as he gets out of bed. Holy shit, his ass is nice.
“Because I couldn’t walk five steps next door? I screwed this up.” He pulls on his pants and then his shirt.
I follow suit and pull on some baggy sweats and a hoodie. “This whole friends with benefits thing isn’t really working. My parents suspect something, Lucas and Jordan pretty much know, and now Autumn does too. Plus, we barely have time to meet up for… this.” I wave my hand between him and me.
I let out a frustrated sigh and rub the bridge of my nose. I don’t mention the fact that we’ve broken two of the rules so far, too.
This is a fucking mess.
“Is it really that bad?” he asks.
I look at him, and there’s worry etched on his brow. “I just don’t want Autumn to get the wrong idea. She told you she loved you last night, Declan. She’s getting attached to you, and we’re just friends.” I throw my hands out wide.
He rubs the scruff on his jaw and lets out a breath. “So, what? The deal is off?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know.”
“Do you want to put a hold on the whole benefits part of this, then? Because it shouldn’t stress you out this much. It should be fun,” he tells me.
“I think if we do this, you can’t come over here anymore. I don’t want Autumn to get the wrong idea. She’s already going to question this.”
He nods his head. “I agree.”
“We have to follow the rules, okay? No more breaking them,” I tell him, one hundred percent serious.
He moves into my space and cradles my head in his hands. “Fine,” he says as his mouth slants over mine. The kiss is slow and deep, and I melt into his touch as his tongue caresses the seam of my lips to tease my mouth open.
Why can’t I pull away? I literally just said we have to follow the rules.
Oh, right, because his mouth is like a drug, and he’s an extremely good kisser.
When he finally takes a step back, he says, “Starting now.”
~ ~ ~
Declan and I explained to Autumn that he was tired and stayed the night because he accidentally fell asleep. She nodded her head, and I thought that was the end of it, but I should have known better.
As soon as my mom walks through the doors of the coffee shop after picking Autumn up from preschool, I know something is wrong. Autumn is too happy, and my mom has a grim expression on her face.
“We should talk in private,” my mom tells me when she gets near the counter. I set Autumn up in the back with coloring supplies, and my mom and I step outside to have a private conversation.
“You’re scaring me. Is everything okay?” I search her eyes.
“You should probably know–” Declan walks out of the apartment stairs at the same moment. “Oh, good, you’re here too. You’re a part of this, so you should stay,” my mom tells him as he pauses next to us.
He looks rightfully confused because I am too. “What’s going on?” he asks.
“Well, you two, Autumn said some interesting stuff to me and her teacher today.” My eyes go wide, and Declan and I look at each other. “She told us that she’s going to have a new daddy.”
“Oh, fuck,” I say out loud.
“Yup. And when I asked her what she meant, she said that ‘Dec was going to be her new daddy because mommies and daddies sleep together and he slept over with you, Penny.’” She looks at me with a quirked brow.
Declan runs a hand through his hair and blows out a breath, and I start pacing. “Shit,” I breathe out. “What the fuck are we going to do? We told her he accidentally fell asleep.”
“Well, she clearly took it as something else.”
My heart is racing because this is bad.
I always told myself that if I were to have a relationship with a man, I would wait at least three to five months before I introduced him to Autumn.
That was to make sure I knew it was serious.
I don’t want to have a revolving door of random hookups meeting my kid.
Even though Declan isn’t just some random person, I didn’t want Autumn to find out because I know how she is.
She would see Declan as more than just a friend; she would see him as a father figure.
This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
It’s always in the back of my head that Declan doesn’t want kids and that this is just casual between us.
The fact that Autumn told him she loved him last night and then this today has me wanting to back out of this whole thing.
It will break her heart, and mine, if she falls even more in love with him, knowing that he’s never going to feel the same way about her.
“Can Penny and I talk alone, Briana?” Declan asks, keeping his cool while I start to sweat and freak out.
“Of course. I’ll be inside,” she says as she heads back into the coffee shop.
“I am so fucking sorry,” I mutter. “I’m going to have a conversation with Autumn.”
He nods. “Yeah, okay. But Penny, it’s not–”
“I can’t do this,” I say, waving my hand between him and me.
I’m starting to panic. He doesn’t want to be a ‘daddy,’ and the fact that Autumn used that word makes me want to vomit.
On top of it all, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
We were supposed to have fun in secret, and now everyone around us knows.
If my mom wasn’t one hundred percent sure before, she is now.
“What do you mean you can’t do this? Our whole friendship, or the benefits?” he asks, narrowing his eyes on me.
I walk up to him so nobody can hear us if they pass by. “Just the benefits part. I’m sorry, Declan.”
His yellow-green eyes bore into mine, and he stares at me with an expression I can’t quite decipher. He can’t be okay with this, with Autumn claiming him as a father. So, I don’t know why he’s hesitating.
It takes him a moment before he says anything, and he nods his head, looking past me as he speaks. “You might be right,” he tells me and runs a hand through his hair. “Maybe we should pause this for a little bit.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Look, I need to go talk to Autumn, but I’ll text you later, okay?”
He gives me a tight-lipped smile and turns to head into the tattoo shop without saying another word.
My stomach turns, but I know this is for the best. I can’t let Autumn get more attached than she already is. Otherwise, she’ll be talking about being a flower girl before next sunrise.
I head back into the coffee shop to break the news to her. “Hey, baby girl. How was your day?” I ask when I get into the office. Her head is down, and she’s singing a tune while drawing.
“Good.”
I sit down next to her and contemplate my next words. “Grandma told me you said some things about me and Declan today.”
She smiles wide. “I told her he’s going to be my daddy because mommies and daddies sleep together.”
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “Baby. I’m so sorry, but Declan isn’t going to be your daddy. He’s just our friend.”
Her face visibly drops. “Why not?”
I don’t know how else to explain it to her.
“Because Declan can’t be your daddy. Mommies and Daddies usually love each other, baby, and Declan and I don’t love each other.
” I swallow the bile in my throat. I hate this conversation, but I don’t want to lie to Autumn either.
That’s not how I want to raise my daughter.
“But Dec loves me, right?” she asks.
Fuck.
“Of course he does, baby.” Okay, I might lie to my daughter sometimes, but this is by far the most stomach-turning lie of them all. But I can’t bear to tell her that he doesn’t love her. It will break her huge heart.
That seems to pacify her for the moment, but the dad questions and comments are starting to worry me.
I never knew how anxiety-inducing this subject would be, and I’ve managed to avoid it up until the last few months.
I feel like her saying Declan is going to be her dad is a cry for fatherly love.
And it didn’t escape me that she’s been attached to him at the hip the last few weeks whenever we’ve seen him.
It wasn’t just some dream she was having when she said she loved him last night. She meant it.
When we get home from the coffee shop, I text Declan.
Me: I need you to do me a favor.
Declan: Anything.
Me: If my daughter asks you if you love her, I need you to say yes.
Declan: I don’t understand…
Me: I might have lied to her and told her you loved her. I also explained to her why you can’t be her dad.
Declan: And what did you say?
Me: The truth. That we don’t love each other, so you can’t be her dad.
He doesn’t respond, and I’m starting to think he’s going to go back to avoiding me.
I’m dishing up Autumn some of my famous crack chicken for dinner when there’s a knock at the door. I look through the peephole, and Declan is on the other side.
I open the door, and Autumn immediately rushes and envelopes him in a hug. He doesn’t hesitate and wraps her up tight. “Declan. Mommy said you don’t love her, so you can’t be my daddy.”
Her face is full of sadness, and Declan doesn’t confirm or deny her statement; he simply tells her, “I am your friend, though.”
It takes a moment, but Autumn’s lips tilt up and she beams. “You’re my friend too.”
Declan returns her smile with one of his own, dimples and all.
“Okay, go eat, Autumn,” I interrupt.
Declan and I make eye contact, and we stare at each other for a beat. “Hey,” I say lamely.
“Hey. Sorry. I just wanted to stop by instead of talking over text.”
I nod my head and cross my arms. “I think the problem is solved.” I peek over my shoulder at Autumn, who is now eating and watching her tablet. “I’m sorry for putting you in this position. I know I shouldn’t have told her you love her, but I panicked,” I whisper to him.
He shakes his head. “No. It’s okay. She is my friend and I care about her a lot.”
I search his face for the lie, but he seems genuine. “Right. Good. Um… do you want to have dinner with us?”
“Um… am I allowed?”
Now that Autumn is convinced Declan and I are just friends, and I’m more relaxed from Declan confirming that fact to her, I think dinner is acceptable.
But for now, I know we need to put the benefits part on hold.
My daughter is extremely perceptive, and it didn’t take long before she made the assumption that he and I were a couple.
As her parent, I have to be the voice of reason.
It doesn’t matter how much I want the physical side of Declan’s and my relationship because, at the end of the day, my number one priority is protecting my daughter’s heart.
“You’re our friend,” I say with a smile and shrug my shoulders.
I swear I see his jaw tick, but he nods his head in confirmation and schools his features, giving me a warm smile instead and joining us for dinner.