Chapter 10
What?
The faint pattern on the silk of her skirts suddenly jumped into sharp focus as Athena studied it. Flowers, she thought, or something equally feminine. It was unlikely to be a bundle of phalluses, although that’s what they looked like to her at that moment.
Focus, lass.
She was focusing, that was the problem, but on the wrong thing.
Her pulse was loud in her ears as she slowly dragged her gaze away from her gown—which was likely irrevocably ruined since her morning sulk outdoors, her frantic ride clinging to the Duke of Cashard, and squatting here in a closet—to the man who’d just asked such a ridiculous question.
Will you tell me who Callan’s father is on our first wedding anniversary?
Cash was sitting there, holding her hands, staring into her eyes as though it was the most natural thing in the world, and she wanted to check him for head injuries. Hadn’t he bumped his head when the boys had pushed him in here? Maybe he had a concussion.
But he was still staring at her as if expecting an answer, so she managed a strangled, “What?”
“Will you tell me who Callan’s father is—”
Before he could get to that wonderful, impossible second part of his question, she interrupted him with another firm shake of her head. “Nay, Yer Grace. I will no’ tell ye his name.”
“Cash,” he corrected gently, squeezing her hand. “And why not?”
Why not? She frowned, trying to find words to make him understand. “He…doesnae matter. No’ anymore. He was an arsehole, aye, but an honorable one. He didnae ruin my life—it was my choice to deny his suit and turn my back on Society. And I dinnae consider that such a ruin, to be honest.”
“He was cruel to you,” Cash pointed out.
“Aye, he was cruel to everyone. I see that now. But he is married and has three little ones, whom he ignores. His wife seems happy enough with her new title, and I suppose is willing to put up with his temper.”
“If he’s married, all the more reason to ensure he’s punished for his cruelty.”
She shook her head in frustration. “Do ye no’ see? He is nothing to me, no’ him nor his family. He doesnae claim Callan and has never hinted of our past connection. That is good enough for me to leave him be.”
Her pulse had slowed, and she found herself leaning toward him, almost pleading with Cash to understand.
“I dinnae want to think about him, Cash.”
“What he did to you—”
“Was nae different from what ye did to me,” she snapped.
And as soon as the words left her mouth, she gasped, realizing too late what she’d said.
Straightening, she tried to convince herself to apologize, to explain she hadn’t meant it, that Cash meant more to her than any other man possibly could, and she loved him.
But it was too late. The words were said, and he’d winced, acknowledging the barb.
Sitting back, Cash slowly released her hands. For lack of something better to do with them, Athena twined her fingers in her lap and dropped her chin, watching him from under lowered lashes.
He blew out a breath and dragged a hand through his hair.
Now it was disheveled, the way he’d looked after swimming with her at the river.
Last Friday, when she’d looked across the ballroom and seen the composed Duke of Cashard as her next dance partner, she’d barely recognized him in his icy perfection.
But this man…? This man she knew.
“So…are you going to just ignore the fact I proposed marriage?” he finally said.
So had Callan’s father. But nay, she couldn’t stand to compare the two of them.
“Is that what ye were doing?” She tried to keep her tone light. Without looking at him, she aimlessly picked at the pattern of probably-not-a-bouquet-of-phalluses on her gown. “I thought it was a dukish command.”
“It’s ducal,” he corrected, “and I don’t want to command you.”
“Ye could.” It took a moment to realize the whisper had come from her.
Peeking at him from under her lashes, she saw him shake his head in frustration. But she was right; he was a duke, for God’s sake, and she’d already been in his bed once before. Although they weren’t formal, Society would already consider her his doxy.
But…marriage?
“I don’t want to command you,” he repeated.
Then, to her surprise, he lunged forward, scooping up her hand in both of his again.
“I don’t want to command you, Athena, because that’s not who I am. And it’s damn certain not who you are.”
Her lips formed the word, “What?” as she finally lifted her chin, but no sound came out.
“You are strong and brave and smart, Athena. You don’t take the easy path when you know it’s not the right one.
You do what’s best for you and Callan, despite knowing how hard it will be, and you’ve weathered everything Society could throw at you, and you still have love in your heart.
” He squeezed her hand, his blue gaze intent.
“So much love, Athena. I don’t want to command you to do anything.
I want to ask, to beg even. I want to be the right path for you.
I want you to choose me because it’s the right thing for you and Callan. ”
Before she could even begin to process his words, much less think of an answer, his shoulders slumped slightly.
“I want you to love me,” he whispered.
It was the plea she heard in Cash’s voice which broke her heart all over again. Hearing him say such wonderful, perfect things to her, caused her resolve to weaken. She’d thought her heart couldn’t hurt any more than when she’d had to accept they couldn’t be together, but now…
Tears gathered in her eyes as she covered their joined hands with her second one and squeezed his knuckles. “I am sorry, Cash,” she whispered. “I learned long ago that loving someone wasnae a good enough reason to spend my life with them.”
Her heart had been wrong about Callan’s father, and she had been lucky enough to realize her mistake in time.
To her surprise, he blinked at her for a moment, then snorted in derision.
“That’s a stupid thing for someone as smart as you to say.
” Before she could object to the insult, he shook his head.
“Loving someone is the best reason to spend your life with them. That’s why you have Callan in your life—you love him. ”
This was harder than she’d expected, and she’d never expected it to be easy. Not that she had ever expected him to offer marriage in the first place.
When she closed her eyes, she felt twin tears leak out from under her lids and couldn’t call them back. She knew she was making the right decision for herself, but did that mean she was making the right decision for Callan? For Matthew? For Cash?
She swallowed, then whispered in a small voice, “No’ if they dinnae love me in return.”
“Is that it?” The question burst out of him with an exhalation which might’ve been a laugh…
or incredulity. She opened her eyes to see him staring at her, one corner of his lips pulled up as he gazed fondly at her.
“Have you really not realized what I’m trying to say?
I take it back, Athena. You’re brave and strong, but sometimes, you’re very silly. ”
She blinked at the insult, her shoulders slowly straightening as she tried to figure out his meaning. “I may no’ be the smartest woman, but—”
“I love you.”
She frowned at the interruption. “No ye dinnae.” He was just saying what he thought she wanted to hear, after her confession. “Ye want a mistress. Someone to warm ye at night.”
He clucked his tongue, then sighed, almost ruefully. As if he were…disappointed? Disappointed in her?
“Remember what you once told me?” Cash’s lips quirked as he mimicked her brogue. “If a woman ever found herself lucky enough to be loved by ye, she should insist on marrying ye.”
She’d said that?
Aye, she’d said that.
But…is that what he was saying? She was lucky enough to be loved by him?
Athena sat in confusion as he shifted awkwardly in the tight space, moving pillows out of the way and cursing under his breath, until he finally settled down next to her.
She watched him warily, unsure what he was going to do next, as he leaned back, muttered something, and straightened far enough to reach for a pillow.
It was the pillow Callan had stolen from the parlor at Newfincy, and Cash shoved it behind his back with a little sigh. Then, to her surprise, he reached around her, pushing against her shoulder, until she had no choice but to rest against him.
Truthfully, it wasn’t a hardship. She wanted to be in his arms again, had yearned for little else these past days without him. It had been so very hard to have a taste of paradise in his bed, only to have it stolen away by cruel fate and their positions.
But now…
“I want you in my bed, yes,” he finally said, his low voice rumbling through the small space and through the chest she was resting against. “I’ve never made a secret of that, and I loved that you didn’t hide your attraction to me, not even at the beginning.”
“Desire,” she corrected quietly.
“Hmm?”
“I desired ye. It’s more than just an attraction.”
She heard the smile in his voice, although she didn’t glance up to see it, when he agreed,
“Yes. And I’ve never met a woman I desired more than you, Athena.
You’re beautiful, aye, but strong and brave and—well, all those things I said.
Funny, and loving, and fun to be around.
You make me want to be with you.” When he swallowed, she felt his throat move.
“I like the man I am when I’m with you.”
She sighed, her palm pressed against his chest, and her fingers playing with his waistcoat. “A mistress could…”
She wasn’t sure what she’d been trying to say, and when she trailed off, she felt him shake his head.