Chapter 42 Sienna
SIENNA
I sat on the edge of the bed, my unfocused eyes fixed on a divot in the drywall. The twelve alarms I’d set on my phone were still intermittently going off, urging me to get moving.
Just stand up.
You’ve been doing it since you were a baby.
My mamma used to always brag about how early I stood up. “She was only eight months! And she could walk by nine months! Have you ever heard of such a thing? My piccolina had places to go and nothing could stop her.”
A tear dripped down my cheek. Then another, until my chest was heaving with silent, broken sobs.
I’d lived more years without my mamma than I’d had with her, but pregnancy had sharpened the pain of my grief into a knife’s point.
I wanted her to be the one who answered my questions and helped me pick out items for the nursery.
She had loved interior design. I was used to coming home from school to find her painting or wallpapering or moving furniture—all while wearing couture.
My papà would shake his head when he saw her designer clothes streaked with paint, but he never complained or told her to stop.
Even with the long hours he worked, he somehow always made time for us.
My interests had always shifted quickly from one hyperfixation to another, and Mamma was always on board to redesign my room.
When I’d fallen in love with ice skating, she’d painted a huge mural of Rockefeller Center’s holiday ice rink on my wall and installed an ice rink in our backyard.
When that ran its course and I became convinced that my destiny was to become an astronaut, she’d hand-painted the night sky on my ceiling, complete with glow-in-the-dark paint.
She never scolded me for changing my mind or made me feel guilty about my graveyard of hobbies.
My new interests just sparked her excitement.
We’d been in the middle of redoing my room to look like a fashion designer’s office when she died.
I could still feel Matteo’s hand in mine as he pulled me away from the gunshots into the secret tunnel below our house. When he chose to rescue me over saving our parents.
In the years that followed, his focus was on survival and winning back New York from our uncle.
Even as an eleven-year-old, I’d understood that he was fighting so I could be safe.
It was for me, for us, for the Family. But the sad, selfish part of me had been devastated that there was no one to help me decorate my room in the small safe house we’d stayed in.
The first few months, I did little else besides stay in bed and stare at the bare walls.
Once Matteo was able to bring Gianna, our housekeeper, to the safe house, things improved.
She forced me out of bed and arranged tutors so I could continue school, but I still felt dead inside.
One day, I’d walked into my room to find a purple comforter on my mattress.
That splash of color had brought me to my knees.
Gianna had found me crying on the floor.
She’d held me for hours, never once telling me to stop crying or to calm down.
That day was a turning point, the first time I’d come back to the world of the living after losing my parents.
Guilt flooded me that I hadn’t gotten further on little Mango’s nursery. I had started imagining designing it with Dimitri. I had different design ideas mocked up in CozyScape and was going to show him before everything happened.
Before I’d been a fucking idiot, and he was, too.
I’d spent the past four days trying to figure out what I’d been thinking, but not for the first time in my life, I was at a loss to explain my behavior.
Why had I thought he would laugh after I stole all his money?
I’d returned it all, but still. I’d envisioned revealing I had been the one to mess with his accounts, and he would be amazed at what an incredible hacker I was.
I’ve heard of you! You’re supposed to be the best hacker in the world!
And then he would give me endless orgasms to reward my genius.
Maybe he was right, and I was just a spoiled, airheaded, naive girl. But I was sure of one thing—he would never separate me from my child.
I hadn’t told Sofiya anything. I didn’t want to drive a wedge between her and her brother…at least not until it was the only option available to me. My friends were powerful and would fight for me and my baby to be together, but the Pakhan was powerful, too.
I cradled my stomach with both hands. “I won’t let it happen. I’m sorry what I did caused this problem, but I’ll do better. And I’ll design the best room ever for you, and never make you feel bad if you change your mind.”
I wiped my tears with the corner of my blanket and let out a shuddering breath. I’d learned to be alone all these years, and I was used to it, but nothing had prepared me for the loneliness of a husband who hated me and threatened to take my child away. Would he be this cruel to our baby?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, brushing my thumbs over my bump. “Mamma is so sorry.” I would absorb all of his hatred if it meant my baby grew up feeling loved.
A strange, fluttering sensation rippled low in my stomach, taking my breath away.
“Is that you?” I nudged my little Mango and felt another weird twitch.
More tears dribbled down my cheeks. There was grief there—that I didn’t have anyone to share this moment with—but there was happiness, too.
My mamma had given me more magic in eleven years than most people got in a lifetime, and I would do the same for my baby.
The kitchen fell silent when I walked in. I’d run my face under ice-cold water and done my best to cover my red, puffy eyes with makeup, but clearly my efforts hadn’t been good enough.
Polina, Sveta, Maxim, and Aleksei stared at me from their spots around the kitchen island. I’d been avoiding them, unable to face the pity and judgement I knew I’d see in their eyes. Did everyone in the house know what Dimitri had said to me? Did they despise me, too?
“Good morning,” I said. “I need a ride to an appointment.”
“What appointment?” Maxim asked.
“A doctor’s appointment.” At the flash of panic in his eyes, I quickly added, “Just a regular checkup.”
His shoulders eased and he lifted his chin. “Sergey and I will take you.”
Polina hopped off her stool and wrapped her arms around me. I wanted to melt into her embrace, but I kept my body stiff. It was the only way to keep myself from bursting into tears.
She pulled back, her face lined with sadness. “Come sit down and eat something.”
I let her pull me to a stool. No matter how hopeless I felt or how much my stomach churned, my baby needed me to press ahead.
Sveta brought over a yogurt parfait and a chocolate croissant. “It’s your anatomy scan today, right?” she asked softly. Her and Polina’s kindness was too much for my tender heart to handle.
I nodded as I pushed my spoon in and out of the yogurt with little intention of eating it.
I’d read way too many online posts about the anatomy scan, and they’d only made me more anxious.
I’d gotten stuck scrolling last night, reading what seemed like hundreds of posts of people getting bad news.
They haunted me now, and I felt like shrinking, melting into a puddle, and disappearing.
I hadn’t made arrangements for anyone else to come with me because I thought Dimitri would be there, holding my hand.
Now I was too embarrassed to ask someone, since it would be concrete proof that my husband wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.
I only had myself to blame for believing anyone would want to stick with me long term.
Okay, that’s a bit too self-pitying. Pull it together.
I took a deep breath and choked down a couple bites of yogurt before standing. “I’m ready.”
The ultrasound tech, Nadia, had curly hair piled on top of her head with a bright yellow silk scrunchy. Note to self: wear more scrunchies.
This was a different room than I’d been in for my last appointment. Windowless, beige walls. A small sink. Cabinet. And a large painting of three otters, peeking their heads out of the water and staring straight at me with wide eyes.
That was…moderately unsettling. And cute. Could I adopt a family of otters?
“Ready to get started?”
I nodded. When Nadia got me from the lobby, she’d asked if anyone was coming back with me. She quickly masked her flash of pity when I’d said no.
“The anatomy scan today will likely be the most in-depth scan you’ll have during your pregnancy.
I’ll be checking your baby from head to toe.
It can take up to an hour, depending on how cooperative Baby is being, and I always like to warn moms that there’s a chance we might not get everything we need today if Baby isn’t in the right position.
That’s not common, but I just want to mention it as a possibility.
If you need to take a break or change positions at any time today, just let me know. ”
“Okay,” I said quietly, fidgeting with the paper napkin thing tucked into the top of my leggings.
She squirted warmed ultrasound gel on my belly.
“You’ll be able to follow along on the TV screen. Most parents find this a really fun scan because your baby will look less like a blob and more like an actual baby today.”
I took a deep breath, loosening my tight shoulders and jaw. I wouldn’t let Dimitri’s absence ruin this for me.
Nadia moved the wand to my belly, and the staticky, pulsing sound of the ultrasound machine kicked up. The TV screen filled with black and white blobs.
Nadia clicked her keyboard, drawing lines and measurements as she adjusted the wand. “That’s Baby’s head,” she said, shooting me a smile. “Look at that nose and little lips.”
My throat was tight as I looked at my baby’s profile. Did that look like my nose?
Baby’s lips parted, and Nadia grinned. “They’re yawning. How sweet is that?”
Moisture built in the corner of my eyes. “That was a yawn?”