Chapter Four
Dee has been in the hospital for just over four weeks. The episodes of delirium have lessened, and glimpses of her true self are returning—something I’m profoundly grateful for.
I’ve informed Mum, Hux, and the Normans about Dee’s hysterectomy. Their devastation mirrors my own. The more I dwell on it, the angrier I feel for letting go of her hand. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
She’s here because of me.
Now, Dee can eat independently and, with assistance and crutches, manage trips to the bathroom. Her memory is improving because she recalls the things we tell her.
It’s almost time to tell her the full extent of what’s happened.
She knows about the accident—the van, the severe abdominal injuries, and her broken leg. She understands she was in an induced coma and senses that I’m withholding something.
But how do I tell her that she’ll never carry our child?
This is so fucked up!
I lean against the doorframe, watching Dee and Anna chat animatedly about Anna’s upcoming baby. Their laughter fills the room as they joke about when Dee will have a child of her own. Dee’s eyes sparkle with joy, and my stomach twists into knots.
She seems so happy, so full of life. The thought of shattering that happiness with the truth weighs heavily on me.
I can’t bear to be the one to dim that light in her eyes.
Overwhelmed, I quietly step out of the room, resting my head against the cool wall just outside her door.
I take a deep breath, trying to steady the whirlwind of emotions threatening to consume me.
Suddenly, Johnny’s head peeks out from the room, his eyes meeting mine with concern.
“What are you doing out here?” he asks, but when he sees the state I’m in, he tries to comfort me with reassurances that won’t ever be enough.
“Hey, hey, c’mon mate, she’s gonna be fine.
You see her in there. She’s doing great.
” I drop my head, my eyes on the floor. “Colt, what aren’t you telling me? ” Johnny questions.
I take his arm and lead him down the hall, well out of hearing range. “Dee’s stomach,” I murmur.
He looks at me, and his brows crease. “What about it?”
“They had to do a hysterectomy. Sh-she can’t have k-kids,” I somehow stutter out.
“Oh, fuck! Man, I’m sorry. She doesn’t know, does she?” he asks, and I shake my head. “Fuck! How are you holding up?”
I stare at him like he’s being ridiculous. “Obviously shit! How the fuck am I going to tell her? She’s made so much progress in the past two weeks. I know this will set her back,” I barely whisper.
“I don’t know, man. I don’t… fuck! It must be killing you to see Anna eight months pregnant. Hey, if you want us to stay away for a while, we can, mate. I completely get it—”
“No! No, you don’t need to be away from us.
We love that you guys are having a boy. I guess it’s just gonna be hard for Dee when she finds out, but I know she won’t want Anna to stay away from her.
She’s her best friend. Just like I don’t want you to stay away.
I bloody need you here with me,” I admit, and he slaps me on the arm.
Johnny’s expression softens. “You can count on us. Whatever you need. Anything at all, just let me know,” he offers.
I nod, but a surge of anger wells up inside me. Without thinking, I turn and drive my fist into the wall, the plasterboard giving way under the force.
Johnny raises an eyebrow, a hint of a smirk playing on his lips. “Feel better?” he asks, stepping closer.
I shake my hand, the sting grounding me. “Not really,” I admit.
He wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into a brief, firm embrace. “We’re here for you. We’ll get through this together.”
A nurse approaches, concern etched on her face. Johnny meets her gaze, offering a reassuring nod. “Just a moment,” he says, guiding me away from the damaged wall.
I take a deep breath, the weight of the moment pressing down on me. “Thanks,” I mutter, the word barely audible.
Johnny squeezes my shoulder. “Anytime.”
“Sorry. I’ll pay for that,” I say to the nurse while she shakes her head at me.
“C’mon, let’s get back to our women,” Johnny says, leading me to Dee’s room.
“It’s just hard, you know?” I say as we get closer to the door.
“What’s hard?” Anna asks, and Dee looks up at me with nothing but love in her beautiful green eyes. I freeze on the spot and look at Johnny because my brain isn’t functioning to produce any reply at the moment.
“Oh, nothing. Colt was telling me how hard his bed is. Babe, I think we should go and let Dee get some rest, yeah?”
I look at him, and he gives me a single head nod.
“No, don’t be silly. I love having you guys here, plus I wanna keep talking about the baby and all the things we’re going to do for your baby shower when they let me out of here,” Dee says, making me cringe.
“Yay, how exciting,” Anna exclaims, and Dee smiles brightly.
If only she knew.
“Anna, honey, I really think we should stop bombarding Dee with all this baby talk. She’s in here recovering. She doesn’t need to be thinking about your baby shower right now,” Johnny says.
I understand what he’s doing, but I don’t think it will work. Neither of them knows about Dee’s condition, and they’re women. They’re clucky, and anything babies make them happy. I turn to Johnny, and he exhales as Anna waves her hand at him dismissively.
“Johnny, don’t be silly. Talking about your baby is taking my mind off the pain.
It’s nice to have something happy to talk about, something exciting for all of us.
You’re gonna be a dad, Johnny, and I’m going to be an auntie.
That’s majorly exciting, and I can’t wait to meet the little guy. Can’t you?” Dee gushes.
I swallow hard. It’s obvious how happy talking about babies is making her. How can I possibly tell her that the excitement she’s feeling for Anna, she will never experience for herself?
“Yeah, I’m excited, Dee. But I don’t think we need to be bothering you with it all right now. You need to concentrate on yourself and get better, not us,” Johnny explains, causing the girls to smile.
“That’s so nice, Johnny, but you guys are like family to me. Yes, I might need to concentrate on myself for a while, but it doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate the awesomeness that’s happening to Anna and you right now. Trust me, it’s no bother at all.”
I exhale loudly in frustration, gaining everyone’s attention.
Dee furrows her brows in confusion as I fake a smile, trying to cover up my sigh.
“You okay, babe?” Dee asks.
Obviously, I didn’t cover it up well enough.
I was never any good at poker.
“Yeah, baby, just tired, is all,” I reply, and Anna half-smiles.
“Right, well, I think maybe it is time for Johnny and me to go. The last thing I want is for Colt to start passing out again. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Dee, and we will visit tomorrow.
Look after my girl, Colt.” Anna smiles, stands from Dee’s bed, and walks over to Johnny.
He wraps his arm around her waist, pulling her to his side.
“Have a good night, you two,” Anna announces as she and Johnny walk toward the doorway.
“Anna?”
“Yeah, Dee?”
“Thank you for your reassurance and support. It means a lot that even this far into your pregnancy, you came out to see me,” Dee confides, and I walk over to her bed, sitting on the edge.
Dee takes my hand, and I hold on to hers tightly, hoping she doesn’t notice that mine is trembling with nerves.
“Anytime, and next time I visit you in the hospital, it’ll be because you and Colt will be having a baby. You got it?” Anna says, and Dee smiles brightly.
This is absolutely tearing me apart.
Fuck! How am I supposed to tell her, and snuff that light out?
“You betcha. I can’t wait to be as fat as you are now.” Dee laughs, and I look at Johnny through a watery haze threatening to flood over the walls of my eyelids. He quickly takes Anna, and they walk out as Anna laughs.
Dee’s thumb gently caresses the back of my hand as I continue to stare out the doorway, avoiding the questioning gaze I know she will have when she sees my eyes. If our eyes meet and I see how happy she is at the thought of being pregnant, I will seriously lose it.
“Hey, you look a million miles away. You all right?” she asks as she moves slightly on the bed, making herself more comfortable.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired,” I lie.
“Did you and Johnny have a fight or something? He really wanted to leave,” she asks, and I decide my best course is to continue lying to her.
“Not a fight as such, maybe just a disagreement on where the band is heading,” I say, and somehow, I find the courage to turn and look her in the eyes.
Those beautiful green eyes are so alive and vibrant.
Those eyes that, when I tell her, will be endless pools of despair.
“Well, don’t cancel everything just for me.
I’m fine. Yeah, my leg’s a little broken, but it’s healing, and we can fly back to London soon.
You and the guys can continue recording and everything you were doing before the accident.
I don’t want your career to stop just because I had a little accident, Colt,” she says, making me smile.
This woman is always so selfless.
“Just a little broken?” I smirk and move my free hand to caress her cheek.
“Yeah, it was only bent on a ninety-degree angle, not a full one-eighty or anything. So yeah, only a little broken. Seriously, babe, I don’t want to hold you back,” she says as she turns her head in my hand, kissing my palm.
I exhale. “You amaze me. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. And that fact makes me love you even more than I thought humanly possible,” I admit, and the smile she gives me only serves to crush me a little more. She is looking at me with so much love right now.
Will that love still be there once I rip her heart out with the news that will surely crush her soul?
“Say it again,” she whispers as her eyes start to brim with tears slowly.
I chuckle and caress her cheek again. “I love you, Dee. With every ounce I have in me. With every fiber of my being. With every beat of my heart… I. Love. You. I always have, and I always will, until the end of time, baby,” I say, meaning every word.
Tears flow down her cheeks freely, and she grins before wiping the tears away with her hand.
“I love you too, and you have no idea how good it is to finally hear you say it without hesitation or fear of what will happen. You make me so happy, Colt. I’m the luckiest woman to have found you.
Now I have to get out of this hospital and back home so I can show you how much I love you.
In our bed… in the shower, on the lounge suite—”
“Now, now, don’t get too ahead of yourself.
You’ve had major surgery, and I don’t want you straining yourself before you’re ready.
You can’t even walk without crutches, so I think having sex is out of the question for a little while,” I say, and she frowns and pretends to sulk by popping out her bottom lip.
“I guess you’re right, but can I have one small thing to tide me over?” she asks as she puckers her lips in a kissy face.
I chuckle and nod, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers, kissing her gently.
The last thing I need is to hurt her. Her hand moves to the back of my head, and her mouth opens, letting my tongue in.
I smile against her lips and kiss her softly.
She tries to deepen the kiss, and I can’t help but chuckle, pulling away.
She frowns again and folds her arms tightly across her chest. “It’s not nice to laugh while kissing your fiancée, Colter Slade.”
“Sorry, baby. It’s just when you try to kiss me like that, I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
So, instead of ending up on top of you, I pull back so I don’t end up hurting you.
See, not laughing at you, baby, laughing at me for not being able to control myself around you,” I explain, and she smiles as she leans back against her raised mattress.
“Well, I think it’s time we ask when I will be getting out of here, don’t you?”
I tense instantly. I know Dee feels like she’s ready to go back to London. The only problem is, I have to tell her about her injuries before we leave the hospital, and unfortunately, that day seems to be coming a lot sooner than I fucking like.