30. Ben
BEN
Shit.
Shit!
I shouldn’t have let her leave that way.
Why did I just let her say goodbye and walk out the door?
Because it’s the right thing to do. You said no girls this year, remember?
No more heartbreak.
No more romantic drama!
So what the fuck was that, then?
I turned this epic, beautiful thing into my own drama. I had amazing sex with that woman and then practically pushed her out the door because I felt so guilty about it.
What the hell is wrong with me? I said no girls and then played with fire and expected not to get burned. That is the epitome of idiocy right there.
I’m pathetic.
I obviously have an inability to hang out with girls and not fall for them.
Because that’s exactly what’s happening. I’m falling for Jolie Carmichael, and being inside her confirmed that.
It’s freaking me out, which I guess is why I let her walk out the door so easily.
I feel like shit right now.
Damn, I want to run after her, pull her into my arms, and tell her why I was acting like such a dick. Beg her not to break my heart like all the girls before her.
But instead, I slump onto the edge of my bed.
Resting my hand on the mattress, I gaze down at my pillow, picturing the way her head tipped back when I made her come, reliving every erotic moment of our final session.
Shit. Our final session.
That was it, right?
It was fucking amazing, and I immediately went and ruined it. Rather than holding her and floating down from our highs together, I let us crash-land, ripping us apart on a hard, unrelenting reality because I’m trying to protect myself from…
This fucking feeling. The one you’re experiencing right now.
No, this feeling is different. I’m not the one being pushed away. I’m the one doing the pushing and…
Shit, it feels just as bad.
“Fuck,” I whisper, running my hands through my hair and fisting the back.
Grabbing my clothes, I pull them on, hating every second of buttoning my jeans and straightening my shirt.
Her naked body felt so good against mine, and I missed the last part.
It’s one of my favorites—the after-snuggle.
I used to love holding Mandy against me, her body all sated and relaxed after a session.
Jolie would have been the same, nestling into me, her arm heavy as it draped across my torso.
Shit, why’d I just let her walk out the door!
The impulse to run after her is still lingering inside me, but logic steps up with a louder voice this time.
Don’t! You’ll just make this worse. Accept what is. You said no girls, so no girls it is. You’re protecting yourself. Jolie could destroy you, and you know it. Play it safe, dude.
With a sigh, I fling my door open and walk downstairs, fighting my instincts the entire way.
“So… who’s the girl?” Charli singsongs, and I jolt at the bottom of the stairs.
Shit, I didn’t even realize anyone was home.
My eyes bulge when I spot Sawyer relaxing at the dining room table. He’s smirking at me while Charli sits opposite him, licking yogurt off the back of her spoon.
“Uh… how long have you guys been home?”
They laugh at my awkward question, and I instantly know… long enough.
“So…,” Sawyer prompts me. “The girl?”
“Uh… no one. Just someone I’ve been tutoring.”
More laughter ensues and I cringe, shuffling into the kitchen while Sawyer howls.
“Boy, that must have been one hell of a tutoring session. She sounded pretty damn happy to be there.”
Oh fuck, they heard us?
Dipping my head with a sigh, I pull the fridge open and wonder if I can hide inside it.
Copying Charli’s snack choice, I snatch out a container of yogurt and wrench open the drawer for a teaspoon.
Why am I eating right now?
Why am I sitting at the table to talk to these guys?
Ripping off the lid, I plunge my spoon into the purply-pink mixture and pop it into my mouth so I don’t have to explain myself.
Great. Now they’re both staring at me with these expectant, curious looks, and if I don’t fill in the gaps, they’ll jump to their own conclusions.
Jolie and I will never be doing it again, so it’s probably safe enough to tell. I trust these guys.
“What I’m about to say is classified, and if you breathe a word to anyone, I will permanently unfriend you and vote you out of the house.”
Charli snorts, then shares a laughing look with Sawyer.
“I’m serious, you guys.” My voice rises to sharp and snappy, and their smiles vanish.
“Dude.” Sawyer shifts in his chair, leaning his forearms on the table. “What happened with that girl?”
I wince and then explain, “She had a really bad first time, so she asked me to show her a few things in the bedroom so it wouldn’t happen again.”
Charli’s eyebrows rise.
I dip my gaze and justify my actions in a soft voice. “She’d never had an orgasm.”
“Not one?” Charli’s mouth drops open.
With a nod, I quickly continue. “It just started out like tutoring, you know? I showed her a few things, helped her come a few times. And then I told her we should wrap it up. I finished it and figured we could just be friends. But then I saw her today and she needed cheering up, and when she asked for one more, I couldn’t say no, then got completely carried away and nearly came inside her without even suiting up!
” I slap the table, pushing my yogurt container away for me and slumping back in my chair.
Sawyer hisses. “Got caught up in the moment. It’s easily done, my friend.”
“Not by me.” I shake my head. “I’m always logical.
I think things through. I never let myself get carried away like that, and I just did…
with the one girl I was trying to be careful with.
She doesn’t need this shit! She already had one guy take advantage of her. I was supposed to be better than that.”
“Ben.” Charli tips her head. “It’s not like you forced yourself on her. She wanted it, right?”
I swallow, Jolie’s whispered begging filtering through my brain again. The way she pulled me on top of her. I nod and rasp, “Yeah, she wanted it.”
“So what’s the problem, then?” Sawyer asks. “You worried you’ve knocked her up or something? The whole unprotected sex thing?”
“No, I pulled out in time.”
Shit, why am I telling these guys so much?
Groaning, I squeeze my forehead and wish I could just erase this day.
“Maybe,” Charli starts slowly, “you’re feeling shitty because the truth is, you really like this girl, and you don’t want them to be just tutoring sessions anymore. Maybe you’ve caught yourself some feelings, Benny Boy.”
I scowl at her, not wanting to acknowledge that publicly. “I said no girls this year,” I mutter.
Sawyer snickers. “The heart doesn’t always pay attention to that kind of bullshit.”
“I thought you never involved the heart.” I narrow my eyes at him.
“I don’t.” He smirks. “That’s how I avoid these kinds of problems. But you’re not built like me, man. And you shouldn’t be fighting your natural instinct. If you like this girl, then what’s the problem?”
I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to hand myself over to her only to have her turn around and break me. I’m sick of falling for women who don’t want me for real!
The thought that Jolie might like me as much as I like her is too dangerous to entertain, so I shove it out of my head and focus back on reality.
And reality is that I fall hard and they don’t follow.
Jolie could be just the same, and for that reason, I need to steer clear. She asked me to do her a favor, so I did. I can’t go turning it into more than that.
A knock at the door makes me flinch, and I turn toward it just as Charli rises from the table.
“Who’s that knocking at my door?” she calls, and I cringe at the lame voice she’s putting on.
“It’s me. Am I in the clear?” a female voice replies.
Wait, that’s Nix, Charli’s buddy… and Darian’s enemy.
Charli opens the door with a grin. “You’re good to go, baby. My big bro isn’t home right now, so come on in.”
“Yay.” She pops through the door with a cheerful grin. She’s so short compared to Charli—compared to all of us. She’s seriously like a little fairy, and I give her a wave, forcing a smile when she acknowledges me.
“So, you ready to study?” Charli asks her. “Or should we warm ourselves up with a little gaming first?”
“I say gaming’s a good way to warm up.”
The girls laugh together, heading for the console and massive-ass TV in the living room.
I throw out my unfinished yogurt and head for the stairs, following Sawyer up to the second floor.
He spins at the top to face me. “Hey, you sure you’re okay, brah?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… please don’t say anything to anyone.”
“Of course.” He zips his lips. “You know you can trust me and Chuck. Not a word.”
“Thanks, man.” I nod and head for my room.
Closing the door behind me, I lean against the wood and stare at the rumpled bedding.
Shit.