31. Jolie
JOLIE
It’s been three days since Ben rejected me, and I’ve been moping around like a sad sack ever since. And I don’t even care. Connecting with him that way was off the charts. I wasn’t scared to have him push inside me, and when he did… it felt incredible.
And it probably felt incredible because it was him.
I know that if I’d tried that with anyone else, it would have felt like an intrusion.
It’s because it was Ben that it worked.
But he doesn’t want me.
Trying to study or even think straight has been nearly impossible, which I hate myself for.
I want to be like “He’s just a guy” and act all blasé, like he didn’t take a chunk of my heart and keep it.
But I can’t.
That’s so not me, and even though I wish I could be like that, I can’t.
I’ve been all but useless ever since I ran out of Ben’s house.
I’ve sat like a zombie during classes, studying has flown out the window, and do you think I’ve been able to investigate anything for Kieran’s stupid story?
He caught me just before our team meeting yesterday to ask if I had something he could use to pitch it for the paper, and I apologized, saying I’d been really swamped with studying.
I lied through my teeth, and it was so obvious.
“Well, that’s disappointing, Jolie. Can I see you in my office after we’re done, please?”
I nodded, then skipped out as soon as the meeting ended. I don’t want to get caught in his office again. Thankfully, he was too busy bickering with Angelica to notice me slipping out, and if he tries to follow up, then I’ll just tell him I didn’t want to interrupt him.
I’ve kind of been tensing for some kind of text or phone call from him.
Where were you?
I asked to see you.
You’re obviously not very interested in joining this paper after all.
Between the stress of that and the sorrow of losing Ben, I’ve turned into Miss Mope.
Right now, I’m hugging my pillow and listening to sad music. Which I know is ridiculous. It’s not as if Ben and I were a couple. But man, I want to be.
I so want to be!
Spending my high school years crushing on guys who would never notice me… that felt different to what I’m going through right now. Ben noticed me. He tutored me. He made me come. He made me fall. Hard.
So getting over him is going to be… impossible.
A knock at the door makes me flinch. Nylah left a couple of hours ago. Probably couldn’t handle being around my sad butt and wanted to get away from me. She asked me what was wrong, and I couldn’t answer her, so she gave up and walked out the door.
I don’t want to have to deal with whoever’s come to visit, so I stay quiet, pressing my mouth into my pillow.
“Jolie, it’s me. Come on, open up.” Caroline’s voice wafts through the door, and for about five whole seconds, I resist her. But then she knocks again, and I figure I may as well get this over with.
Plus, maybe a Caroline hug will make me feel better, you know?
Flinging the door back, I don’t even give her a chance to speak before I launch myself at her.
She catches me, wrapping me in a tight hug and rubbing my back. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Yes,” I blubber against her shoulder.
She squeezes me a little tighter. “Sounds like we need ice cream and a box of tissues.”
“Mm-hmm.” I nod, and she takes charge, making me put on my warm, oversized hoodie.
“Just keep your UGG boots on. We’re going to Casey’s place.” Taking my hand, she drags me out of my dorm, and I manage to keep it together through the visit to the store to buy two containers of ice cream and the entire car ride to Ponderosa.
It’s not until we’re nestled inside Casey’s pool house with Fezzik—cutest Shih Zhu in the world—snuggled on my lap that I finally let the tears run free.
They trickle down my face in silent sobs while Caroline grabs two spoons and rips open the ice cream.
Handing me the chocolate chip cookie dough, she takes a seat opposite me, crossing her legs and quietly demanding, “Spill.”
Sucking in a breath, I seriously don’t know how I’m going to do this or even why I should. Will Caroline get it?
Yes! She was raised in the same kind of home as yours. Sure, her parents weren’t quite as insane, but her father’s a minister! She got to college and sowed her wild oats. She’ll get it.
Popping the spoon into her mouth, she gives me a pointed look. “Seriously. What is going on with you?”
“I met a guy,” I blurt.
Her face lights up for just a second. “I knew you had a crush on somebody.” But then her excitement fades when it hits that I’m crying, which means… “What happened?” Her voice turns soft and wispy. “Did he dump you?”
“We never really dated. We just… hung out a few times.” My expression crumples.
“Okay, but you’re seriously heartbroken right now. What happened? I need details.”
So I give them to her. Well, I don’t use names, but I tell her about my awful first date, which she was gutted about.
“You should have called me. I’m so sorry that was your first time. Sweetie, that’s awful.”
“I was too embarrassed to tell you. I don’t even know why,” I quickly explain when she opens her mouth to probably say I can tell her anything.
Well, I’m doing that now, aren’t I?
Then I go on about how I spilled everything to this other guy, even though I didn’t mean to. But it all just slipped out, and then I asked him to help me have my first orgasm.
“You what?” Her eyebrows pop high as I dip the tip of the teaspoon into my melting ice cream but don’t actually eat any of it.
“I know it sounds weird, but he was being so nice to me, and then he agreed to… tutor me.”
“Tutor you.” She frowns.
“Yeah, I’ve been having, like… sex lessons.”
“Sex lessons?”
You know it must be unconventional when the person you’re telling keeps repeating everything you say. My cousin’s blue-green eyes are all big and her freckled nose is starting to wrinkle as she tries to wrap her head around what I’m saying.
“It’s just… you know. He was just… showing me what to do and what feels good and—”
Her fingers rest on my knee as she interrupts me. “Someone has been tutoring you in sex? Are you paying this person?”
“No.” My eyes bulge. “It’s not like that. He’s just been helping me out.”
“With sex!” Her voice pitches and she almost looks scandalized, which she really shouldn’t, because she’s told me some of her one-night stand stories. It’s not like I’ve been doing that!
Closing my eyes, I shake my head and try to justify this.
“Okay, look, I know it sounds weird, but he’s a really nice guy.
And the sessions have been amazing. I’d never experienced an orgasm before him, so I’ve got a lot to be thankful for.
It’s just the last time we… we went all the way…
” I pause, creeping my eyes open to check Caroline’s expression. “You know.”
“Yes, I know what ‘all the way’ means.” Her voice is dry, her shock giving way to… anger? Why’s she mad? She should be happy for me. Orgasms are great!
I ignore her expression and quickly punch out, “The problem is that… well, afterward, he kind of told me it was over. He doesn’t want to teach me anything else.”
“Well, no wonder.” Caroline flicks her hand in the air, looking even angrier. “He was just playing the long con. Stringing you along until he could fuck you properly, then flick you off!”
My faces flushes at her forceful language. I hate the word “fuck,” especially when it’s being used to describe sex.
Fezzik jumps off my knee, obviously a little afraid of Caroline’s venom, and I stand too, moving away from her to lean against the bar.
He trots after me, perching behind the stool.
I lean down to rub the top of his head and try to stand up for Ben.
“He’s not like that. He’s the nicest guy, I swear.
But now I don’t know what to do. I mean, he seemed to enjoy it when we were doing it, but afterward, it’s like he felt really bad about it.
And now I don’t know where we stand or what I should do.
I haven’t found the guts to call or text him because I don’t know what to say. What should I say?”
“Nothing.” Caroline whips off the couch to turn and face me properly. “It’s obvious he only wanted you for one thing, and now that he’s gotten it, he’s out.”
I don’t want to believe that, so I shake my head and keep quietly arguing. “But… we were so good together. It seemed like he was really enjoying it.”
Caroline huffs, crossing her arms, her eyes dark and stormy. “Who is this guy?”
I almost don’t want to tell her, but she’s getting all fiery and scary, so I acquiesce with a soft mumble. “His name’s Ben.”
“Ben? Ben who?”
“Ben Evers. He’s pre-law and he’s a basketball player and why… why is your face doing that?” I frown as I take in Caroline’s bulging eyes and pale skin.
“Nothing.” She blinks and turns her back on me.
My eyebrows dip into a confused frown as I push off the counter and move around so I can see her face again. “Caroline, what’s going on?”
She swallows and looks down at her socked feet. Her toes are curling into the carpet. Never a good sign.
Crossing my arms, I narrow my eyes at her. “What are you not telling me? Do you know him or something?”
She flushes pink, and my stomach starts to twist as she stammers, “I… Not really. I… we… might have met once or spoken a couple of times.”
“Oh my gosh,” I whisper, my knotted stomach free-falling to my ankles. “You slept with him, didn’t you?”
She closes her eyes, giving herself away. “Jolie, I…”
I can’t believe this! She slept with him? Was it just a one-night stand, or did they date for a while? I don’t remember her telling me about him, but maybe she hasn’t told me everything.
I’m about to ask her for every tiny detail when the door pops open and Casey walks in. He’s looking all relaxed, his smile that friendly one I’ve come to love.
But right now, I can’t smile back at him.
“Hello, ladies. What’s…?” His cheerful chirp disintegrates the second he picks up on the obvious tension in the room.
Pointing at Caroline, I ask him, “Did she sleep with Ben Evers? Before you guys got together, did she have a one-night stand or some kind of relationship with Ben Evers? He’s a basketball player. Do you know him?”
Casey bulges his eyes and looks at Caroline. She’s clenching her jaw, looking at the floor and squeezing her biceps like she wants to be anywhere else right now. “Um… I think Fezzik needs me.” He goes to back out of the room, but I quickly shout at him.
“Fezzik is here!” Pointing to the bar area, I indicate the dog, who jumps up as if only just noticing his owner. Racing over, he does a little dance at Casey’s feet, and the hockey player picks him up, getting his nose thoroughly licked while trying to avoid my questions.
“Casey!” I end up shouting because I can’t handle this anymore. I need to know the truth!
“Okay, fine.” He looks at Caroline again, his expression crumpling with apology as he softly says, “Yes. I know who you’re talking about, and…” He pauses to check on his girlfriend, who finally lets out a huff and snaps at me.
“Okay, yes!” Her arms flick wide. “I got drunk at a party once, and Ben and I slept together. Then he scoured the campus looking for me, but I wasn’t into him that way.
So…” She squirms. “I avoided him, and when we did finally catch up, I was already with Casey.” She crosses her arms again, her face flushing, like she’s completely embarrassed by her behavior.
But I can’t focus on that right now.
All that’s flashing at me from her little spiel is…
“He slept with you, then scoured the campus looking for you?”
“I didn’t ask him to,” she practically whines.
I swallow, stepping back to create even more distance between us.
“So, you had one epic hookup, and it took him weeks to get over you…” My jaw works to the side as my throat starts to burn.
“But he teaches me all about sex, and then after we finally go all the way together, he tells me we’re done?
He wanted you enough to scour campus and he doesn’t want me at all, even though I’d happily throw myself at him. ”
“What?” Casey balks, his voice pitching. “You guys were… what?”
“Jolie,” Caroline whispers, blinking at me and shaking her head. “It’s… I never said he didn’t want you. I don’t think it’s—”
“Yes, you did,” I snap. “You said he got what he wanted, and now he’s out.
But you gave it to him one time!” I hold up my finger, which is now shaking.
“One time, and he was obsessed with you. But he doesn’t want me.
” I poke the center of my chest, my voice starting to wobble.
“Which is always the way, right?” My voice rises to a shout. “No one ever wants me!”
I storm toward the door, growling at Casey to get out of my way. He jumps like I just prodded him with a hot poker.
Caroline moves to try and chase me. “Jolie, come on, it’s not—”
“No, don’t!” I glare at her over my shoulder. “Just leave me alone.”
Walking away, I storm past the main house and hit the country road. I have no idea how I’m supposed to get back to my dorm; it’ll take my freaking hours to walk. My sneakers scuff against the edge of the road, kicking small stones out of the way as I storm back toward town.
Ugh. I’m going to be dead by the time I get back.
And about two seconds after thinking that, Casey’s Jeep pulls up. Caroline’s not with him, just a sad-looking Casey and his sweet dog.
I stop walking for a second and bark, “I won’t get in unless you promise not to talk to me.”
“Not a word,” he assures me, then thankfully sticks to his promise.
We drive back to my dorm in complete silence, Fezzik sitting on my knee looking out the window and me fighting my tears the entire way.