32. Ben
BEN
One of the many privileges of being a Nolan U athlete is that you get to eat in the Athletes Hall.
The food is amazing—nutritious and delicious.
I don’t take it for granted. And I usually use it to its full advantage.
But not today. Today, my stomach is in knots, which is why I’m bailing halfway through lunch and heading to my next class early.
I rub my aching gut. I’ve been feeling off ever since Jolie fled my room, and I’ve failed to check up on her.
I’ve wanted to, a million times over, but I didn’t want to be tempted again, and clean breaks are always less painful, right?
So why the hell does it hurt?
And why am I constantly scanning campus, hoping to catch a glimpse of her?
And why am I constantly checking my phone, just in case she texted me?
Because you miss her, you idiot!
But why? It’s not like we were dating. It’s not like we’ve broken up.
But you were falling for her.
I reject that idea the second it pops into my head, but then I can’t seem to shake it. It grows and swells until it’s ingrained itself into every neural pathway.
I started falling for Jolie.
I don’t know when or how, but it was happening.
Dammit! Why does this always happen to me? I’ve got the softest, most wet-lettuce heart in the world.
See! This is why I said no girls this year.
I don’t trust myself to be around them. They get under my skin too easily, and then I’m left hurting and—
Ah, news flash, freak: You were the one who pushed her away.
I close my eyes for a second, not even wanting to think about that. I’ve never dumped a girl in my life. And I didn’t dump Jolie. Because we weren’t a couple!
For a second, just a little, tiny second, I let myself imagine what being a couple with her would be like.
Seeing those big gray eyes each day, watching those dimples jump into place, hearing her laughter, seeing that cute look of concentration on her face when she’s playing Scrabble, or just calling her or texting her to tell her something about my day.
That would be—
“Ben!” someone shouts, and I turn in time to see a raging redhead storming toward me.
“Caroline?” I frown in confusion. Usually the second she sees me, she dips her chin and quickly scuttles off, but now she’s coming right at me like a woman on a mission. A very angry mission.
What the hell?
“Tutoring sessions? Are you fucking kidding me? Calling them that doesn’t make it okay!”
“What?” My face bunches. I can feel the instant tension around my eyes and forehead.
Is she talking to the right guy?
“My cousin is nothing but a sweetheart. A very innocent one!” She jabs me in the chest with her finger. “She has had a very sheltered life and doesn’t need to be thrust into this world with your fucking lessons about sex!”
The couple walking past us whip a quick look my way, and I shake my head at them with an awkward smile. “It’s not… It…” I shake my head again, and the guy just snickers.
“Whatever, man. Good luck.”
Caroline huffs as they walk away, and I turn to look down at her, suddenly catching up to what she just said. Her cousin.
Oh shit.
“You are such an asshole!” she spits.
“Wait, wait, wait…” I hold up my hand to shut her up, but that doesn’t stop the cold, horrible, ugly realization dawning in the pit of my stomach. “Who’s your cousin?” I ask. Surely the universe isn’t that cruel, right?
“Jolie!” Caroline flicks her arms wide, looking at me like I’m completely dense.
And my gut plummets.
So, the universe does suck, then.
I’ve been tutoring Caroline’s cousin in the bedroom?
This is un-fucking-believable.
Of all the girls on campus to interview me, to make this arrangement with, it had to be the one connected to a girl I’ve been trying to avoid. A girl who most definitely wants to avoid me.
Shit, shit, shit!
I had no idea.
They don’t look anything alike.
They certainly don’t act anything alike.
Caroline was a tiger in the bedroom.
Jolie’s…
“You are such an ass!” she snarls. “You know, I always thought you were this sweet guy, and I used to feel really bad for rejecting you, but now that I know you’re just some creeper who preys on innocent women—”
“I do not prey,” I quickly snap. “It wasn’t like that. She was upset, I tried to make her feel better, and then she asked for my help.”
“Like some escort?” Her voice pitches before her eyes narrow on me. “She didn’t pay you anything, did she?”
“No.” I’m disgusted by that idea, because it’s… Jolie. It wasn’t a big hardship for me to help her experience what she did.
It wasn’t like a chore.
I wanted to help her.
Because you like her! You’re falling for her!
I swallow, not wanting to admit that to this raging bull in front of me. She looks about ready to end me.
“This better be over.” She points at me. “Jolie said you ended it, and I want it to stay that way.”
I frown at her bossy directive, then mutter, “It is over.” I’ll pretty much say anything to cool the blue flames in her eyes.
She tuts, shaking her head at me like I’m despicable.
She doesn’t know shit.
I was doing it for Jolie, not myself.
“I was helping her out, okay? That’s all. She wanted someone she could trust after her awful first time. I wanted to show her that it’s not supposed to be that way.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it was a real hardship for you,” she seethes.
I roll my eyes and look away from her. Like she’s ever gonna get it. Like anyone ever will. It’s impossible not to look like some sick creep when you try to justify it.
“Just…” Caroline sighs. “Stay away from her, okay? She doesn’t need this, and… I don’t need the complication either.” Her expression wrinkles, and I know she’s thinking about the baby she miscarried and the fact that there was a chance it could have been mine.
Shit, that situation was so fucked up.
And she’s probably right.
Me being with Jolie would be awkward.
Jolie mentioned a cousin she was close to. Shit, if I’d known it was Caroline, I would have backed away right there and then.
But I didn’t.
And now I don’t know what to do…
I miss Jolie, and as Caroline throws me one more awkward frown before spinning on her heel and walking away, that’s all I can think about.
I miss Jolie.
Even though I’ve been given yet another reason to stay away from her… she fills my mind as I walk to class.
I try to be logical and justify all the reasons why I shouldn’t be feeling anything, but my heart and brain are not aligning today. And I’ve got a sinking feeling that it’s going to take more than another restless sleep to get over her.