33. Jolie
JOLIE
I can’t believe Caroline and Ben slept together.
I need to get over it, but it’s eating me alive.
Ever since I stormed away from my cousin, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
Ben really liked her. One hookup and he searched the school to find her. That’s so sweet. That’s so Ben.
I wish he’d scoured the school looking for me.
But he didn’t have to do that.
I plopped myself into his life, kept getting in his way, and then asked this massive favor of him. I practically had to coerce him into the bedroom, and all Caroline had to do was bat her pretty little eyelashes.
She’s been texting me ever since Casey dropped me home, and I haven’t found the guts to reply to her. I don’t even know what to say.
She’s probably relieved that Ben doesn’t want me. It’s probably way too awkward for her, but…
Gah! I want Ben!
And I thought he was into me too. We had fun together. And that last time we were in his bedroom, he seemed really into it.
But then he told me it was over and…
My heart pulses with a painful beat.
It hurts!
It hurts that I’m pining for him and he’s probably happily going about his day without me. Heck, he’s probably relieved to be free of me!
That hurts even more. I rest a fist between my breasts and feel the pain like an axe blade.
“And she was full-on yelling at him,” the girl behind me says, her voice all perky with the juicy gossip.
The girl beside her gasps. “What was she saying to him?”
“I was too far away to hear, but I wonder if it had to do with their big fallout last year. I mean, you know what happened, right?”
“Remind me?”
“Well, they hooked up at this party, and then he hunted the school for her. Don’t you remember him asking everyone if they knew a Caroline with beautiful red hair? The guy was obsessed.”
My stomach hitches, my chest squeezing as I resist every urge in my body to spin around and make my eavesdropping completely obvious.
I slow my pace just a little, straining to listen in.
“But then she ended up with that hockey player, and it turned out she was pregnant, but she didn’t know who the father was.”
What?
“Oh my gosh, was she the girl who miscarried? She, like, fainted in the bathroom or something, right?”
“Yes.”
WHAT?
My stomach pitches.
They can’t be talking about Caroline anymore, can they?
She wasn’t pregnant.
I mean… was she?
“Man, when Ben found out, he lost it.” The girl whistles.
“How do you know all this?”
“Because I was there. I saw him yelling at her that she needed to find out who the father was. He was so upset. The poor guy. I actually felt kind of sorry for him. He basically fell in love with his one-night stand, she was potentially carrying his kid, and she never wanted him. She wanted Mr. Hockey.”
“Casey Pierce, right? Damn, that guy’s hot.”
“I know.” The gossip queen giggles. “But Ben is such a sweetheart. If I didn’t have a boyfriend already, I’d totally be into him.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. He’s so tall and good-looking, and he seems really kind.
I wouldn’t have minded being the one to stitch his heart up, you know?
” She blows out a breath. “I actually heard he got dumped by his summer girlfriend too. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but if so… the poor guy can’t catch a break.”
“If all these women don’t want him, maybe he’s not as sweet and lovely as you think.”
Okay, now I really want to whip around and tell them to shut up, because Ben is amazing and so kind and…
I can’t believe Caroline was pregnant.
But they must be talking about my cousin.
I remember her being rushed to the hospital last year, but Mom told me she had to go in because she was sick. She had some kind of stomach bug.
Did Mom lie to me?
I jolt to a stop when that realization hits.
No, she wouldn’t. Would she?
With my heart in my throat, I pull out my phone, my brain buzzing as I quickly bring up the number for Aunt Michelle. I’m kind of nervous to call her, but if I ask her outright, she won’t lie to me, will she?
My hand is kind of shaking as I press the phone to my ear and step around the side of the building for a touch of privacy.
It rings three times before Aunt Michelle answers in her sweet way. “Jolie Carmichael. Well, hello, my darling niece. How are you?”
“Hey, Aunt Michelle.” I try to sound chipper, but I’m too hyped up to bother with small talk. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course. Are you okay? You sound kind of tense.”
I suck in a breath, then quickly blurt, “Did Caroline have a miscarriage last year? And if so, who was the father? Did she even know?”
It’s only just now occurring to me that there’s a chance Aunt Michelle doesn’t know about the two baby daddies thing and I may have just dumped her in it.
Oh crap!
I hold my breath, wondering if I should backpedal. Maybe I could tell her that I’m trying to squash some gossip and I—
“So, I’m guessing if you’re calling to verify this with me, you haven’t actually heard it from Caroline herself.” Aunt Michelle’s voice is soft and sad, and my lips pop open.
“So it’s true?”
After a heavy sigh, my aunt murmurs, “Yes, but I really think you should talk to Caroline about this. It’s her story.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?” I whisper. “Why didn’t anyone tell me? Mom said she’d gone to the hospital with a stomach bug!” My whisper turns into an angry growl. “She lied to me!”
“Well… she was trying to protect you. She didn’t think you were ready for the truth, and she asked that we—”
“I’m not some kid anymore!”
“I know.” Aunt Michelle’s reply is so soft, and I guess I shouldn’t be getting angry at her.
Don’t shoot the messenger, right? “I’m sorry, sweetie.
I don’t know how you found out, but I really think you should talk to the people directly involved.
Caroline will open up if you ask her to, and I’m sure your mom will as well. ”
“No, no.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Please don’t tell Mom that I called you.”
“I won’t,” my aunt assures me. “As long as you promise to talk to these people yourself. Secondhand information is never the best.”
But it’s possibly more honest if my lying family is anything to go by!
I can’t believe they kept something this huge from me.
“It was a really tough time for my baby girl. But she’s come out the other side stronger.”
I nod, trying to shake off my salty anger at my cousin and actually have a little sympathy for what she went through.
A miscarriage? That’s awful.
But I’m still kind of annoyed.
She lied to me.
My mother lied to me.
Probably to protect my innocent ears. They didn’t want me to know that my cousin, who I looked up to, had slept with someone outside of marriage. And Caroline obviously didn’t want to tell me she’d gone through this major life crisis.
I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.
That hurts in a whole new way.
Everyone was trying to protect me from this truth, and it makes me want to scream.
I’m not some little girl in pigtails! I could have handled it. I could have been there for Caroline. I could have helped her work through it!
But she didn’t want me to.
Yet again, the unwanted, useless little girl.
Closing my eyes with a sigh, I mumble a soft goodbye to Aunt Michelle.
“You take care, sweetie. And make sure you talk to Caroline. She’ll want a chance to explain this.”
“Yeah,” I mumble. “Thanks.”
Hanging up, I shuffle into class, trying to process this bombshell.
Taking out my pen and journal, I write down everything I just overheard and what Aunt Michelle confirmed for me.
I’m trying to make sense of it all, and writing things down helps.
So…
Caroline and Ben hooked up at a party. That computes. Makes sense.
Ben fell for Caroline after that one night and tried to reconnect with her. She avoided him, because she was in love with Casey, who she also must have slept with if she didn’t know who the father was.
Ben finds out she’s pregnant and might be the father, but he was really angry about it… which means—I’m guessing—that Caroline kept the pregnancy a secret from him.
Oh my gosh, did she tell Casey but not Ben?
That’s low, Caroline.
My opinion of my cousin suddenly dips in a way it never has before.
Poor Ben.
Imagine how he must have felt when he realized that one: Caroline wasn’t into him and had hooked up with another a guy, and two: She might have been carrying his child.
That is mind-blowing!
No wonder he was angry with her. And then she miscarried.
Poor Caroline.
Why didn’t she tell me?
That’s huge!
I start doodling on my page, circling Ben’s name and feeling for him, then drawing a line under Caroline’s name and a few tears around the edges. I’m not even listening to the professor as I think about what they must have both gone through.
So much emotional trauma.
But at least Caroline had Casey to hold her, help her heal and recover.
What about Ben?
Those girls did say something about a summer girlfriend. She probably helped make him feel better, but then she dumped him too?
I wonder if that’s true.
Man, if it is, how sucky for him.
First he gets burned by Caroline, and then he gets dumped after what was no doubt a wonderful summer with whoever this girl was. I wonder if she goes to Nolan and he still has to see her around campus.
It must be hard enough seeing Caroline.
My heart aches for him, bending and twisting out of shape.
After everything I’ve just heard, I kind of like him even more than I did before.
He’s a sweetheart, and if he treated these women with the same care and consideration that he treated me, then they’re complete idiots for not wanting him.
I want him.
He’s the only one I want and—
A thought strikes me like a bolt of lightning, and I actually end up gasping in the middle of the lecture. I blink down at my paper and—
“You okay there, Miss Carmichael?” The professor smirks at me, and I glance up with another gasp.
“Uh…” I sink down in my seat. “Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.”
He chuckles. “Let’s try to focus on the lesson, shall we?”
The class all laughs, and I feel like a moron as I slump even farther down in my seat and think about Ben and what I just realized.
I want him.
I’m not like those other girls who have rejected him.
I want him, and I wouldn’t flick him off or tell him it’s not going anywhere. I wouldn’t try and avoid him and then not tell him massive, life-changing news.
I’m not like those other girls.
But maybe he’s assuming I am.
Maybe if he understands how I feel, then he wouldn’t want to push me away. Maybe he was only pushing me away because he’s trying to protect himself from getting burned yet again.
But I wouldn’t burn him.
I’m all in!
He might not want you. It might be that.
But what if it’s not?
If there’s even the slightest chance that he’s into me but is only pulling away because he doesn’t want to get hurt, then I have to take that chance.
Yes, it’s terrifying.
I could approach him and put him in that position where he has to let me down easy and admit that he’s just not that into me.
But what if…?
What if he is into me and he’s in protection mode?
What if I can tell him that he doesn’t need to worry because I’m not out to hurt him, to leave him? I would never reject him because I’m… falling in love with him.
Oh my gosh, is that true?
I sit in thought for a second, trying to figure it out.
I’ve never really been in love before. I don’t think.
I’ve been in crush plenty of times, but love…
Letting my mind dwell on every encounter I’ve had with Ben, I try to analyze it from a logical place, but I keep coming around to the same conclusion.
Yes, I’m falling for Ben Evers!
I’m falling for his intelligent brain and his sweet smile, his thoughtful care, his kindness, his soft chuckle, his big, magical hands.
I’m falling for the way his lips feel on mine and the way he plays Scrabble.
I’m falling for the fact that he loves Legally Blonde and has a great relationship with his sisters.
Every time I picture him binge-watching Bridgerton with them, my heart starts to melt.
There are so many things I like about him, and there are so many more things I want to learn about him. If he’ll just let me.
And maybe he will if he knows how I feel.
I swallow, nerves skittering through me as I wonder if I should tell him.
Should I tell him?
Yes! You most definitely should!
Sitting back up in my seat, I flick to a new page of my journal and start scribbling down words in a scrambled mess. My brain is working faster than my hand, but I keep going until I’ve gotten down everything I want to say.
This is worth writing and rehearsing a speech for, right?
I feel like this is the most important thing I will ever say to anyone, and I have to get it right.