Jolie
I’ve spent all day perfecting my speech.
Now I just need to get over to Ben’s place and give it to him.
Eeeep! I hope I’m right about this. What if I say it all, and he’s like “So, it’s still over anyway no matter how you feel”?
I mean, he wouldn’t word it quite that bluntly, he’s way too nice, but still…
What if me going there is just awkward, and then I’m forcing him to tell me straight that he’s not into me?
Then at least you’ll know, right?
“Just make up your mind already. Are you going or not?” I ask myself as I walk into Buckley Hall.
The girl at the bottom of the steps flinches and gives me a weird look.
“Sorry, just talking to myself. You know how it is.” I give her a bright smile, and she gives me a closed-mouth smirk that makes it abundantly clear she hopes to never run into me again.
Walking up the stairs, I try to keep this conversation internal and battle back and forth until I reach my dorm room and stop with a huff. My phone is buzzing, and I manage to pull it out of my bag just as the call ends.
Caroline.
She’s trying me yet again, and even though I’m desperate to ask about the pregnancy, I have more important things to deal with right now.
I’m not ready to talk to her about any of this.
Not until I’ve set things right with Ben.
“Just do it, Jolie. Get your butt over there and tell him how you feel. If there’s even a chance it’s mutual, it’ll be worth it.
He needs to know that you’re not like those other girls.
” I nod, a spark of determination firing through me as I try to lean into my hypothesis about why he’s pushing me away.
If I’m right and he’s trying to guard himself against heartbreak, then I can put his mind at ease.
It has to happen tonight, no matter how nervous I am.
If I don’t get to Ben’s house and do this, I’ll just obsess over it and elongate this whole thing. So I’m going.
Decision made, I push open my door and actually feel the best I have all day. Sometimes all you need is some decisive action, right?
A plan of attack. A way to move forward.
Nylah’s on her bed and looks over when I walk in.
“Hey.” I force some extra brightness into my tone and hope she isn’t one of those people with a sixth sense that can tell my insides are in chaos. Dropping my phone on my bed, I unbutton my jacket and wonder what she’s thinking.
“How are ya?”
“Good.” I bob my head and start kicking off my boots and letting the jacket slip from my shoulders. I need to figure out what to wear.
What kind of message am I trying to send?
The “I’m falling in love with you” kind.
Yeah, but what does that look like clothing-wise?
Opening my closet, I pull out my best dress. The one I wear if I’m going out for dinner someplace nice.
Holding it by the hanger, I look it up and down.
“You going out?” Nylah asks.
“Yep.” I nod, flashing her a smile as giddy bubbles burst in my chest. Oh man, I must be blushing. My whole body is getting all warm because I just had the thought that if this goes well tonight… then I might be lying naked in Ben’s bed soon.
Or even not naked.
Just holding him.
Kissing him.
In his arms!
I’ll take any level of connection, just as long as he knows that I’m totally into him.
Please let him be into me too! Please let this work!
“On a date?” Nylah grins at me.
I hitch my shoulder. It’s not exactly a date. More like a desperate declaration that will hopefully pay off.
“You’re totally going on a date.” Nylah’s smile only gets bigger.
I still, biting my lip and staring at the dress. Maybe I shouldn’t be going fancy. Maybe if I show up looking like I want to go on a date, he’ll freak out and not hear what I’m trying to say, you know?
Glancing at Nylah, I wrinkle my nose, then shove the dress back into my closet, reaching for a pair of yoga pants instead.
“So… not a date?” Nylah’s head tips with a frown.
“No.” I purse my lips to the side. “I mean…” I glance at her, then bite my lip again. “Not really. It’s…” I sigh, my shoulders starting to slump. How do I explain this to her?
Part of me wishes I could let her in. Maybe she’s got some sage advice, you know?
But she’ll never understand what I’ve gotten myself into.
Caroline definitely didn’t.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
I nearly laugh out loud. As if I could honestly tell her! Look how cool she is. She’d never need some guy to teach her how to come… and then go ahead and fall for him… then not know whether he was into her… then spend most of the day writing a speech based on a theory that might not even be true.
I shake my head, aware that she’s still looking at me while I have my internal meltdown.
Her smile turns kind of sad, and she gives me a resigned nod. “Well… whoever he—or she—is, I hope you have a good time with them.”
I blink, surprised she thinks I might be gay. Do I come across that way?
It doesn’t matter. Feelings are feelings, right?
Whatever Ben’s gender, it wouldn’t change the fact that I’ve caught feelings, and tonight is either going to be an epic disaster or a major success.
Oh my gosh, what if it’s a success?
A giggle pops out of me before I can stop it, and I shake my head. Maybe it’s okay if I tell her just a little something. You know, prepare her for the fact that I’ll either be rushing back here in tears or floating on cloud nine.
“It’s a he, and I’m sorry I’m being so cryptic.
It’s just…” I wince. “I really like him, like a lot. But I don’t know where he stands, and I’m going for yoga pants”—I start wrestling them on—“because I’m worried the dress is sending the wrong message.
I mean, it’s one of those…” I bite my lip, trying to figure out how to explain this to her.
“Um… it’s like a tutoring situation, and I’m sort of falling, and I don’t know if he’s falling or just being nice to me, and I’m trying to read these, like, unspoken messages and am starting to think I’m really bad at it.
But I have to take this chance, you know?
I’m losing my mind here, so I’m just gonna go over there and…
I’m just gonna make him tell me where he stands on the whole liking me/helping me out thing. ”
Okay, so I was not expecting to say that much, and I said it all so quickly that I’m not even sure if everything I just blurted is even accurate, but now I’m rethinking the yoga pants. What if this goes off the way I want and we do start undressing each other?
Yoga pants are so awkward and hard to get off, and any images of a movie-worthy love scene start to fade.
I need baggy clothes for this.
“What’s he tutoring you in?” Nylah asks, all casual, like it’s the simplest question in the world to answer.
“Nothing,” I practically snap, fear gripping me for a hot second. My cheeks flare and I look away from my reflection in the mirror. Yeah, I definitely need to ditch the yoga pants.
Pulling them off, I nearly fall over trying to get them off my feet.
See what I mean?
Yoga pants are the worst idea ever.
Reaching for my baggiest pair of sweatpants, I pull them on easily, fully aware that I’m going from one extreme to the other. A cute dress to a pair of pants that swamp me?
Nylah must be sitting there thinking I’m certifiably insane.
Yanking on an oversized sweater to match, I now look like I’m heading off to eat ice cream and cry over a romantic movie or something.
Ugh!
But at least the clothes will come off my body quickly, right?
Because if Ben is up for turning what we’ve had going into something more, then I definitely want the evening to end with us in bed together—no clothes necessary.
“Good luck.” Nylah catches my attention, smiling at me as I grab my speech out of the pocket of my other pants. I’m hoping not to need it, but… just in case. “Hope he’s honest with you.”
My stomach bottoms out, and all I can squeak is “Me too.” Grabbing my pink Skechers, I shove them on and head for the door, pausing just before I leave to turn and give Nylah an edgy smile.
After what she’s just witnessed, she’s probably having major doubts about rooming with me.
“I promise I’m not a crazy person.” I kind of laugh out the words. “I know I’ve been acting weird lately. I’m just going through a bit of a thing right now, and I’m…” I hold my breath, my eyes bugging out as I imagine what she’ll think of me if I ever tell her the truth.
“It’s okay.” She smiles, her brown eyes all warm and friendly. “I promise I’m a nice person, so if you ever need a friend”—she points to herself—“I make a really good one.”
Wow, really?
She wants to be my friend?
I so was not expecting her to say that.
She’s so cool and I’m so not, and—
I smile, brushing my teeth over my bottom lip. “Thanks, Nylah. Hope you have a good night.”
“Hope we both have good nights.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, and I can’t help another giggle, which quickly turns into a whimper before I shoot out the door.
No more delaying this thing.
It’s time to put myself out there and hope for the best.
Please let it be the best.
Please let him see how genuine I am about how I feel.
Please let him feel the same way about me!