Chapter 9
9
Willow
I dart past the kitchen, running up to my room before my mom spots me. One look at my tear-streaked face and she’ll be worried. I shut my door and flop onto my bed, drowning in my embarrassment. Utterly wrecked in my sadness. The look on his face is exactly what I expected. He didn’t know what was wrong with me. He looked horrified when I opened my mouth and told him I couldn’t speak. His eyes were full of disappointment and a hint of sorrow, and he backed away, getting out of the splatter zone so I wouldn’t spit on him.
“Willow, sweetie.” My door opens, and I regret the fact that I didn’t lock it as Mom walks right in. She takes one look at me and rushes over, panicked. Exactly what I was trying to avoid.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart? What happened?”
She sits down on my bed, brushing the hair out of my face as I hug my pillow tighter. I’m too upset to even get the words out. I hate that I can’t speak. None of this would’ve happened if I could just talk right.
“Did someone say something to you or do something?”
When I was younger, I used to come home crying when kids would make fun of me. My skin finally grew thick enough that it no longer shatters me when people call me names. But seeing the look in Brennon’s eyes… That broke me.
“Just breathe, sweetheart. Whatever it is, we can fix it. And if a kid was mean, that’s a problem with them, not you.”
I don’t think she can fix this. Not unless she has the cure for a broken heart. Because it feels like mine is breaking in two.
“Can I get you some paper?”
I nod my head. It’s the only way I can speak right now.
She gets up and goes to my desk, and in walks my sweet kitty, hopping up onto my bed, settling right on her perch. I wish I had her life. Strutting around without a care in the world. Meowing to get what she wants. Even my cat can communicate better than me.
Mom hands me a notepad and pen, taking a seat on my bed again. I’m not really sure what to say. I don’t know how much I want to tell her.
I met a boy in the incoming freshman forum. He’s from around here, so we started chatting, and it turns out we have a lot in common. Over the last two months, we’ve become good friends. It was the first time I connected with someone on every level. But I didn’t tell him about my speech. And today, he showed up to surprise me after school. When I saw him, I panicked. He tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t get any words out. I was so embarrassed that I ran. And now, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Mom. But I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again. I hate that I’m like this. I just want to be normal.
I shakily hand her the paper, watching the shock in her eyes as she reads over my words. Processing them slowly. Her brow narrowing as the worry lines form around the edges.
“I know it’s hard, Willow.” She finally looks up and there are tears in her eyes, making me feel even worse. I hate that she couldn’t have had a perfect child. All the meetings and appointments with speech pathologists, doctors, counselors, she’s given up so much to help me. “I’m sorry that you struggle so much, sweetheart. If I could take it away, I would. But just because you have a speech impediment, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It doesn’t make you abnormal. Or strange. Or any less worthy.”
But I don’t feel normal. I feel awkward and stupid. The way people look at me. The things they say. To them, I am strange.
“You’re the most amazing girl I know, Willow. Beautiful and talented. So smart and sweet. I’m very proud of all the strides you’ve made and all that you’ve accomplished given your challenges. Even your therapists are thrilled with how far you’ve come.”
Yes, but it’s not far enough. I want the anxiety to go away. I want the words to come out crisp and smooth. I want to be able to talk to Brennon and go on a date. Have a normal teenage experience.
“Now, as for this boy, it sounds like you like him as more than a friend.”
I nod slowly. My feelings are so much deeper. I would never be able to put into words how I feel about him.
“And does he like you as more than a friend too?”
He did. But that was before he met me. Now, I don’t know what he thinks of me, and I’m too scared to get online and see whether I have a message from him…or not. I don’t want to see that he’s unfriended me.
I take the pen and paper back and begin to write.
He told me he came to see me because he didn’t want to tell me over the computer that he was having feelings for me. But then I just climbed in my car and took off. I was so nervous and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to scare him off with my stuttering.
I hand her back the paper, and she smiles at the first part, but her smile fades again.
“It’s okay to be nervous, Willow. Even I stuttered through my sentences when I spoke to your dad for the first time. I felt like such a fool for all the nonsense I was blabbering on about. My stomach was so full of butterflies, I couldn’t think straight. But your dad just thought it was cute. He liked the fact that he made me nervous because it showed him that I liked him. So, please don’t assume that you’ve ruined things. All you need to do to is talk to him. Tell him that you struggle with your speech. Explain why you didn’t tell him. If he really has feelings for you, it won’t matter. And if it’s a problem for him, then good riddance. You don’t need someone in your life that can’t accept all of you.”
She makes it sound so simple. Yet, she didn’t see his face. The freaked-out look in his eyes. I don’t think he’ll ever want to talk to me again.
“Look, I know sometimes it’s easier to run from our problems. But just make sure you’re not running from something truly special. I’ve honestly never even heard you talk about boys before, so that has to say something about him. He might be worth it.”
He’s definitely worth it. I’m just not sure he thinks I’m worth it.
“Do you want to tell me what this boy’s name is?”
“Brennon.” His name comes out completely clear and my mom’s eyes flare on a gasp. I’m shocked too.
“Well, I hope things work out with him, kiddo.” She smiles. “But if they don’t, know that there are plenty of fish in the sea.”
Not for me there aren’t. My sea is more like a tiny fishbowl. Brennon was the first and only guy who’s ever showed any interest.
“Th-th-thanks, M-m-mom.” And now my words are shaky again.
She leans in and gives me a hug. “Anytime you need to talk, I’m here. Now, I’m going to go down and start making dinner, but if you need me, just let me know.”
As soon as she leaves my room, I take a deep breath, looking toward my computer, wondering what’s waiting for me as soon as I boot it up. My stomach is churning, wavering on the precipice of my truth. What if he’s gone? What if he unfriended me and blocked me in the game? It’s what I’m bracing myself for as my screen starts to glow.