His to Hate.

Chapter - 27

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Work for him?

Work with him?

Work under him because he feels guilty of something? This was what my hard work was being reduced to?

Wow.

Perfect.

In another world where I was not married to Ranaji and Papa hadn't killed his mumma and crippled his Baba and our paths had never crossed the way they did, I would have applied for a job at Raisinghania Holdings without a doubt and I would have jumped at the first opportunity I had remotely received at the prospect of working in his company, even if it included getting in via some referral because that's how corporate works now but getting a job like this, like pity was not something I would have agreed to before knowing him and most definitely will not agree to now.

"Parthvi?" Pankhuri's voice rang in my ears and I turned around to look at her.

"Oh, hi Pankhuri! Where is Ishaan and how is..." I started but she cut me off.

"Kya hua hai?" she asked, her eyes boring into mine.

Her one attempt of asking and I told her everything without holding back.

"Yeh dono bhai thode hile hue hain Parthvi, trust me inke intentions galat nahi rehte par inka kuch bhi karne ka tareeka aur kaunsi baat kab karni hai, iska sense personal life mein develop ho hi nahi paaya hai." she facepalmed before holding my hand.

"Come on, let's sit here for a while. These are the last few weeks where we can comfortably sit outside without needing the air conditioner."

I nodded and we sat on the bench.

"I stormed out before he could say anything else and I don't regret it." I added after a second.

Pankhuri studied me carefully. "You are still shaking."

"I'm angry." I corrected.

"And hurt." she added and I didn't oppose that.

"Yes. Do you understand how humiliating that feels? I pour my heart out, he says sorry a hundred times and then he decides that the solution to all this is to offer me a job like he is willing to run a rehabilitation centre for me." I said, crossing my arms.

Pankhuri did not rush to defend him, she just listened.

"And what exactly did he say?" she asked after a moment.

"That there is a position in their finance team that I would be assessed like anyone else. Paid like anyone else." I replied stiffly.

"As I said, bad, bad timing." she replied.

"It's not just about the timing Pankhuri, I would not have and will never accept a job like this from him ever. How can I? It will only make me an opportunist in addition to being the killer's daughter." I shrugged, throwing my head back.

Honestly, this all was so tiring.

Pankhuri's fingers tightened around mine at that.

"Stop." she said quietly.

"What?" I asked, my voice already defensive.

"Don't call yourself that."

"That's what I am." I replied flatly. "That label does not disappear just because people lower their voices around me now."

She shook her head. "You are not your father's crime."

"But I am. I will always be. That is the whole reason why I am here in the first place. Trust me Pankhuri, I have tried to escape the fact but then I realised that it is one of my identities now and how can I possibly escape my own identity?" I asked her, my heart suddenly beating faster.

"Parthvi, I am going to tell you something even if you feel a little bad hearing it but I am only telling you this because I do care about you, I really do and I would have told my younger sister the exact same thing if she was in your place." she said and I gave her a nod.

"Until you move on from this whole your father is responsible for the death of their mother and the disablement of Papa, you will not be able to live your life because as I see it, this is where you will spend the rest of your life and Rudra bhaisaa is the man you will be doing it with.

I am not telling you that he is a perfect man with no faults, we both know that is not true but he is not a bad man either.

He has spent his entire life with a lot of baggage, the kind you and I cannot even imagine.

He has been strong for Yuvaan, for daadisa and for himself and that is why he comes off as maybe insensitive and with ulterior motives.

I promise that I am not trying to defend him.

I am just telling you things as they stand and the years of trauma he has endured has made him almost stone.

I don't think he even knows himself, let alone anyone else but I don't think he had an option. " she sighed.

"Pankhuri, I swear that I am truly ashamed of what my family did to this family which led to him being how he is but what do I do with myself, with him and with this marriage we both are stuck in?

How can anyone possibly make it work? Everytime I see him, I realise that my life will never be how I dreamt it to be and I am sure that everytime he looks at me, he most definitely thinks and repeats it in his head over and over again that my family is the reason for what he has become and for that life Papa denied him.

This feels like a never ending loop and I feel like I am in a place of no return. " I tell her in all my honesty.

Pankhuri did not interrupt me.

She let me finish every word, every ugly, scared and honest thought.

When I was done, she leaned back slightly and looked at the sky instead of at me.

"You are assuming a lot." she said.

"About what?" I asked, exhausted.

"About what he thinks when he looks at you."

I opened my mouth to argue but she raised her hand gently.

"I am not saying you are wrong. I am saying you don't know."

"I see the way he looks at you sometimes." she added carefully.

I stiffened immediately. "Don't."

"I am not romanticising anything Parthvi. I'm just saying that it is not hatred and it is not revenge either." she said quickly.

"Then what is it?" I demanded.

She shook her head. "Confusion, control, guilt, responsibility and maybe even fear."

"Fear?" I almost laughed.

"Yes, fear. You think only you feel trapped? He does too. He built his entire identity around being strong, untouchable and unshakeable and now he has to sit across from the daughter of the man who shattered his family and share a life with her." she said firmly.

I swallowed.

"That does not mean that he sees you as an enemy every day.

" she continued. "Because if he wanted to treat you like one, he would and no one would have been able to stop him.

He is fighting himself Parthvi, he is stuck between his duty towards this family, his responsibility towards this kingdom and his morals. "

Silence fell between us for a while and then I whispered,

"What if this never changes?"

"It will not change if both of you keep staring at the past like it is the only thing in the room. You are not responsible for your father's crime and he is not responsible for what trauma turned him into." she replied.

I stared at my hands.

"You stop punishing yourself and you stop assuming that he wakes up every morning hating you. Let him show you who he is. And you decide who you want to be." Pankhuri said.

I exhaled slowly and for the first time since this conversation started, I did not feel cornered.

I felt scared.

Pankhuri watched my face carefully before speaking again, almost like she was testing whether I would explode or actually listen.

"And one more thing." she said.

I closed my eyes briefly. "What?"

"Keep Rudra bhaisaa aside for two minutes. Forget that he is your husband, forget that he said sorry and forget the timing. Just think about the job." she said calmly.

I looked at her sharply. "I just told you I will never........."

"Think." she repeated, cutting me off but not unkindly. "Don't decide, just think."

I pressed my lips together.

"You studied finance because you love it. You were topping your class before all of this happened, you wanted to build something for yourself, you wanted independence and you wanted your own name." she continued and I absolutely hated how accurately she was describing everything.

"And now there is a position in one of the biggest companies in the country, a place people would give anything to even intern at and you are dismissing it without even separating it from him."

"It is impossible to separate it from him." I said immediately.

"Is it?" she asked quietly.

I didn't answer.

"You said he told you that you would be assessed like anyone else and paid like anyone else." she went on. "That means you would have to prove yourself. That means you would not be handed anything. That is not charity, Parthvi. That is an opportunity."

"It still feels like pity." I muttered.

"Maybe, or maybe it is guilt mixed with respect or maybe it is simply him acknowledging that you are capable."

I stared at the garden ahead of us, at the guards walking their usual routes and at the staff moving around.

"I don't know." I finally muttered, still confused.

"You topped your batch, Parthvi. You are not some helpless girl he is trying to rehabilitate. If anything, if you walk in there and outperform half the people sitting in that office, it will be his headache to deal with, not yours." she spoke.

"I'm not saying accept it. I'm saying think about it like it belongs to you and not to him." Pankhuri added before squeezing my shoulder once and letting me sit in my silence, walking away towards the area Ishaan was running and playing with the kids of the palace staff.

I did not go back immediately. I sat there for a while longer, thinking about Pankhuri's words and by the time I got up, the sky was pitch dark with the palace lights already turned on and I walked inside slowly.

As I pushed the door to his room open, I saw Rudra by the balcony doors, standing with one hand resting on the railing, looking out at the courtyard below. His posture was straight, his shoulders squared.

He heard me enter but did not turn immediately.

"You were gone for a while." he said, still facing away.

"I needed to think." I replied.

He nodded faintly.

I walked a few steps inside and stopped and he finally turned around.

His eyes moved over my face briefly.

"You are calmer." he observed.

"I am not going to scream again." I said evenly.

"That was not what I meant." he replied.

I crossed my arms, then uncrossed them because I suddenly felt childish doing it.

"I spoke to Pankhuri." I said.

"I assumed you would." he replied without any irritation.

"And?" he asked.

"And she told me to think about the job without thinking about you." I said bluntly.

A faint flicker passed through his eyes.

"That is good advice." he murmured.

"I am not saying yes." I added quickly.

"I did not ask." he said.

He walked away from the balcony and came to sit on the couch instead of standing across from me.

"Mere paas aakar baithengi thodi der aap Parthvi?" he asked, looking at the empty space next to him and then back at me.

I hesitated for half a second and then walked over and sat on the opposite end of the couch, leaving enough distance between us that we were not touching.

He noticed the distance but he did not comment on it.

For a few seconds, neither of us spoke.

"Mai sorry nahi bolne waali hoon aap par chillane ke liye." I clarified my stand.

"Mai jaanta hoon." he replied, chucking.

Before he could respond, a sudden gush of wind pushed through the half-open balcony door and the curtains flew inward.

Something sharp and dry brushed against my face and before I could react, it went straight into my eye.

"Ah!" I shut my eyes immediately and lifted my hand to rub it.

"Parthvi?" his voice sharpened.

"My eye." I said, already rubbing it instinctively. "Something went in........"

"Stop." he said instantly.

I ignored him and rubbed harder, blinking rapidly.

"It's fine....I'll just....."

"Parthvi." His tone changed to something softer.

"Stop trying to take your eye out."

I froze mid-motion, more because of the way he said it than the instruction itself.

"It's irritating." I complained, my voice strained as my eye began to water.

"I know." he said and moved closer to me.

"Let me see." he said.

"It's nothing." I insisted, blinking again.

"It is clearly not nothing." he replied calmly.

I kept my eye half-shut, stubbornly trying to fix it myself.

"Parthvi." he said and there was something in the way he took my name that made me lower my hand immediately as he leaned in.

My eye was watering now and I probably looked like I had cried again, which annoyed me more than the dust itself.

"Look at me." he said softly.

"I can't open it properly." I complained.

His fingers hovered near my face for a second, almost as if he was asking permission without words.

Then very gently, he reached forward and tucked the loose strands of hair away from my forehead and behind my ear so they would not fall over my face again.

My eye burned and watered more and without thinking, I started lifting my hand again but he caught my wrist lightly before I could rub it.

"Rukiye." he whispered, not scolding, just guiding.

His hand released my wrist slowly and instead, his palm came up to cup my cheek. His thumb rested lightly below my eye while his fingers curved gently along my jaw.

"Look up." he said softly.

I did.

He leaned closer, his face only inches away from mine now.

"Hold still." he added.

I held my breath.

He bent slightly and blew a very soft stream of air into my eye and the sting reduced slightly.

A tear slipped down the side of my face and he wiped it away with his thumb.

"Blink slowly." he said in a low tone.

I did and the world came back into focus, but so did he.

He was very close, close enough that I could see the faint crease between his brows from concentrating.

"It's better." I whispered.

He studied my eye carefully, tilting his head slightly to the side.

"Aap theek hain?"

"Ji."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He did not move immediately.

His palm was still cupping my cheek and I realised that I was leaning into his touch without meaning to and the moment I became aware of it, I stiffened slightly.

He noticed, of course.

But instead of withdrawing abruptly or making it awkward, his hand softened against my skin, his thumb brushing very lightly along my cheekbone in a small, almost absent-minded motion.

My eyes lowered on their own, looking away from him because it suddenly felt impossible to hold his gaze.

His hand dropped away from my face eventually and he straightened himself but did not move away from me.

"Parthvi, I did not offer you the job because you were crying or because of guilt. You have topped your batch from one of the most prestigious colleges of Rajasthan. I saw you as an asset for the company and nothing else." his words rang in my ears and this made me look back at him once again.

I studied his face carefully, trying to find even a flicker of hesitation.

I found none.

"Okay then I will think about it." I sighed and told him after thinking this through a little rationally.

"That is all I am asking of you." he replied with a nod and I stood up but he held my wrist to stop me and I turned to face him again, first looking at my wrist in his hand and then at his face.

"Thank you." he said.

"For what?" I asked immediately.

"For coming back."

I frowned slightly.

"I live here, you know."

"That is not what I meant."

"You could have avoided me for the rest of the evening. You could have sent a message through someone. You could have made it clear that you were still angry but you came back." he continued.

I blinked a few times before replying,

"I was angry."

"I know."

He let go of my wrist completely and leaned back slightly, giving me space like he was very aware of how quickly I retreated when I felt cornered.

"I meant that you could have decided that I am not worth the effort and I would have respected that but you did not." he added.

The honesty in that sentence made me blink.

"Ek sawaal ka jawaab sach-sach dengi aap?" he asked.

My guard went up instantly but curiousity usually kills the cat.

"Maybe." I replied.

"When you stormed out earlier, were you angry because of the job or because it came from me?" he said slowly, choosing his words.

The question landed directly where I did not want it to.

"That is the same thing." I replied.

"No, it is not."

"Yes, it is."

"If someone else had offered you the exact same position under the exact same conditions, would you have reacted like that?" he asked again.

I opened my mouth to answer and then stopped.

"I am not accusing you, I am trying to understand you." he added.

"I reacted because of the timing," I said firmly. "Because you said sorry and then immediately offered me something. It felt like compensation."

His jaw tightened slightly at that but he did not interrupt.

"I do not want to feel like a responsibility or worse, an obligation." I continued.

His eyes did not leave my face.

"You are neither." he said quietly.

I nodded even though I did not fully believe it.

"One more thing." he said and I nodded.

"You need to stop sleeping on the couch. This is your room more than it is mine now and if anyone has to sleep on the couch, it will be me." he announced, getting up too.

"Nope." I replied, popping the p.

He raised an eyebrow slightly.

"This is not a negotiation." he said calmly, though there was a faint softness in his tone as if he already knew I would refuse on instinct before thinking.

"It is," I countered without hesitation, lifting my chin slightly as if that alone would strengthen my argument.

"It is childish."

"I do not care."

"Parthvi," he said after a moment, his voice lowering just a fraction, "you cannot keep punishing yourself by sleeping on that couch every single night as if you are the one who needs to make amends for something that was never your fault."

"I am not punishing myself." I replied, though the words did not sound as firm as I intended them to.

"You wake up with a stiff neck every morning," he continued quietly, as if stating a simple fact.

I frowned. "How would you even know that?"

"Because you sit at that small table near the window with your coffee and massage your neck absent mindedly while scrolling through your phone and you do not even realise that you are doing it."

The matter of fact way he said it made my stomach flip slightly because it meant he had been observing me far more closely than I had assumed.

"You observe too much." I muttered.

"I have to." he replied without missing a beat. "You do not say what you are feeling most of the time, so I have to rely on what you do not say."

"You think sleeping on the bed means something more than it does." he said taking a step closer to me.

"It does." I replied quickly.

"It does not." he responded firmly but not harshly. "It means you sleep properly, that is all."

"And you?" I asked, narrowing my eyes slightly. "Where will you sleep then? On the couch?"

"Yes." he said simply.

"No." I shot back immediately.

"Why not?"

"Because that makes no sense," I said, my frustration returning in a softer form. "you are so tall, your legs won't even fit properly on the couch."

"You don't have to worry about me, Parthvi." he said and I rolled my eyes.

"You don't have to worry about me, Ranaji." I copied his line.

"You are making this difficult." he remarked.

"You are making this difficult." i copied again.

This was fun, lol.

He gave me an amused look.

"Fine, you answer one of my questions and I agree with sharing the bed with a pillow fort in between." I negotiated.

"Go on, ask your question." he agreed.

"Why do you always sleep half sitting?" I asked immediately. "Every night since we got married, you lean against the headboard and you barely lie down properly. Why?"

He looked away and that alone told me this was not a trivial habit.

"It is nothing." he said finally.

"It is clearly not nothing."

"Parthvi."

"No. You convinced me. Now answer.".

He exhaled slowly, as if weighing whether to keep this to himself or let me see this part of him.

"You have been sleeping on that couch because of me," he said at last, his voice lower than before. "How was I supposed to lie down comfortably and sleep as if everything was fine when you were uncomfortable five feet away?"

My throat tightened.

"That is not your responsibility."

And I have had insomnia for years," he added quietly, almost as an afterthought but not quite. "I rarely sleep more than three hours at a stretch."

I stared at him.

"What?"

"It started after everything happened. I got used to staying alert. It becomes a habit." " he paused briefly, his jaw tightening.

"You never told anyone?" I asked, my voice softer than I intended it to be.

"There was no point." he replied with a faint shrug. "Work keeps me occupied during the day and at night I manage. Three hours is enough."

"It is not." I said immediately.

"It has been." he corrected me.

I stared at him, at the way he stood so straight even while admitting something that vulnerable, and I realised that this was what Pankhuri meant when she said he had turned almost to stone.

Later, we went for dinner but my mind kept back to his words.

Three hours a night. That's all he slept. Three hours.

My head kept repeating the thought again and again for the rest of the evening.