Chapter 36
Ethan
I don’t want to be at the dance, but I don’t want to be alone in my room either.
For the first time, I’m fucking thrilled Assad convinced me we should wear our uniforms instead of real costumes, because when I start sprinting down the path along the river, I don’t have to worry about my junk falling out of a giant cardboard box or whatever the fuck else I would’ve ended up wearing.
What a shitty night.
The ground is firm against my feet, pushing me on and driving me harder.
The faster I go, the less brain power I waste on dark thoughts.
A blank slate, that’s all I want to be. How did tonight go from almost hooking up with four girls at once to running sprints by myself?
I have no idea but at least it’s peaceful down here.
The rush of the river drowns out the music coming from the ref and there’s not a single soul to be seen.
Exactly what I need.
Almost an hour goes by before my legs begin to feel heavy, my hamstrings tight from the strain of the workout I snuck in before class this morning and however many miles I just lapped around campus.
Somewhere along the way, my rage and frustration lower from a boil to a simmer.
I’m not exactly the picture of zen but I’m calm enough to let myself think again.
As I come closer to campus, I hear music seeping out from the ref, clashing with the peaceful vibe of the campus.
It’s past eleven but according to Assad, these bops run all the way through until dawn.
For a bunch of supposedly stuck-up snobs, British college kids really like to party.
Outside The Snug, there’s some natural spillover from the bop, girls wearing flour sacks hugging, a bunch of kids smoking, and a few couples making out in secluded corners where they think no one can see them.
Spoiler alert, they’re wrong. I keep my head down and my eyes on the path in front of me.
I don’t want anything to do with any of it.
I’m on the path, almost at halls when I see someone walking ahead of me.
Smaller than me and wearing a white mini dress, most likely a girl, but given the things I’ve seen tonight not definitely.
Either way, I don’t want to freak them out by storming up behind them or lurking like some stalker.
This can only mean one thing. It’s time to implement my patented ‘Don’t Be Afraid, I’m a Good Guy’ strategy, as developed by me and a couple of my teammates, with the help of our girlfriends, back at Marshall.
A steady pace, not too fast, not too slow, hands where you can see them and a loud, proud rendition of a Taylor Swift song.
I’m not even at the chorus of ‘Fortnight’, a personal favourite, when the person ahead stops. She’s right underneath a lightpost when she whirls towards me, long hair flying around her shoulders like a cape. It isn’t a white mini dress she’s wearing, it’s a towel. It’s Mia.
‘Are you singing Taylor Swift?’
‘And Posty,’ I reply without slowing my pace, although my heart is pounding at the sight of her. ‘Headed home?’
When she doesn’t respond right away, a thousand questions present themselves. Where are her friends? Why does she look so upset? What happened to the douchebag? Because if he has hurt her in any way, shape or form, I’m going to rip him apart limb from limb, and enjoy doing it.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ she says. ‘Nothing has ever gone wrong in your entire life, I’m sure.’
She’s so wrong it’s not even funny.
‘What happened?’ I ask. ‘Tell me whose ass I need to kick.’
We’re face to face now, underneath the streetlamp, but she won’t meet my eyes.
Mia’s makeup is smeared, and she looks miserable and beautiful and I can’t stand it.
With a sad slump of her shoulders, she walks away, plastic slides slapping against the footpath as she goes.
I catch up to her with two long strides.
‘I fucked up,’ she says, to me, to the night, to no one. ‘I made a mistake, I overreacted and now they all hate me.’
‘That’s pretty hard to believe.’
‘You weren’t there, how could you know? You don’t know everything, you don’t know anything about me.’ She’s speaking fast, her hands flying around in front of her, eyes wide and manic, and I’m struggling to follow.
‘It’s not like we’re exclusive and it’s not like he was trying to hide anything from me and I never should’ve said that to Jenna, it was so fucking rude. She’ll tell Alice and she’ll hate me too and it’s impressive, really. I messed up everything I had in one evening. Well done, Mia, well done.’
Oh boy, she’s crashing out big time.
‘Hey, Mia, you’re right. I don’t know what happened,’ I say gently as we march on, side by side. ‘But it can’t be all that bad?’
‘It’s not just tonight, it’s everything, everything!
’ She’s still gesticulating wildly, ranting like she didn’t hear a word I said.
‘My folks knew I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own and they were right.
I suck at my job, I can’t make friends, I’m even struggling with my classes.
I never should’ve even applied, my dad told me not to.
Don’t overreach, don’t step outside your comfort zone.
I’m not good enough for this place. I should’ve stayed home, I should’ve known better. ’
‘Mia, stop.’
When I step in front of her, she walks right into me and looks up, blinking, like she didn’t realize I was there.
‘Talk to me,’ I beg, desperate to hold her but too afraid. She seems so fragile and I want to protect her but not break her. ‘Whatever is wrong, let me help you.’
‘Why?’ She hears me this time. Her voice is plaintive and her eyes wide. ‘Why would you want to help me? You’re Ethan Taylor and I’m—’
‘Mia Meyers. You’re Mia Meyers.’
‘Congratulations,’ she says with a bitter smile. ‘You know my name.’
Stepping out of the lamplight, she slips back into the shadows and leaves me alone with that gut punch.
I watch her stumble away, the slides on her feet no good for stomping, and when the footpath forks off in two directions, one leading to the river, the other to our dorm, she takes an unexpected turn.
‘Wait up!’ I yell. ‘Where are you going? Carpenter is that way.’
‘Leave me alone, Ethan,’ she shouts back, veering off towards the river.
But there’s no way. I’m not leaving her by herself in this state, anything could happen.
‘Fine. If you won’t talk to me, I’m just gonna walk behind you for a while.’
‘Do what you want, I don’t care.’
She doesn’t look back at me, not once, but I can hear her muttering to herself.
I don’t care what she says, someone is to blame for this meltdown and when I find out who, I’m going to kick their ass.
Unless it’s Jenna, because that girl would definitely be the one to kick my ass.
But if it is, I’ll sure as shit let her know making someone feel this way is not okay.
When we reach the river, Mia slows down and I hold back, waiting to see what she’ll do next. One second she’s standing, facing the water, the next she drops to the ground in a crumpled heap. I’m at her side before she hits the grass.
‘Hey, hey, you’re safe, I’ve got you,’ I say as she falls against my chest, not fighting when I put my arms around her. There’s a warm tang on her breath I’m not expecting.
‘Have you been drinking?’
‘I don’t drink,’ she replies. ‘But I had one whiskey and it was disgusting. Why would anyone ever drink that for fun?’
Even in the middle of a meltdown, she still makes me want to smile.
‘Beats me. Now, you want to tell me what’s going on?’
Her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, fill with tears and I’m equal parts rage and heartbreak. All I want to do is fix things.
‘I told you, I messed up.’ She rubs at her wrist but her bracelet isn’t there, the delicate silver one with the heart-shaped clasp. ‘I’m pathetic. I never should’ve come here.’
I stroke her hair, giving her room to breathe, room to speak. Even though I want to correct her so badly, talking over Mia isn’t going to help. All I can do is be here and wait. So that’s what I do, I wait. Keeping her safe until she’s ready to speak.
‘It started with Oliver,’ she says finally, words muffled against my chest.
I knew it. That douche is the reason she’s upset and now I get to kill him.
‘What did he do?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ she sniffs. ‘But I overreacted and it’s over. Not that it ever really started.’
Still in my arms, I feel her body relax, go limp really, and a long, shaky sigh passes through her lips.
‘If it never started, why are you so upset?’
‘Because,’ she says. ‘Things were supposed to be different here.’
Now I really don’t understand what she’s talking about. Everything is different here.
‘It’s not just Oliver.’ Mia runs her fingers under her eyes and they come away black. ‘Every time I go to Members, I feel like I’m going to throw up. The days I have a shift, I wake up in the night worrying about how I’m going to mess up. I’m trying so hard, but it never gets any easier.’
‘Then quit.’
‘I can’t, I need a job, my family isn’t super wealthy, I have to contribute, I have to help.
’ She’s speeding up again. I twist my fingers into her hair to bring her back down and it works, at least for a moment.
‘Alice did me a huge favour when she got me the job, I don’t want to let her down.
If I quit she’ll think I’m so ungrateful. ’
‘Nah, Alice will understand,’ I tell her. ‘She’s cool.’