Chapter 36 #2
‘She won’t be cool with me after she talks to Jenna.
’ Mia looks up at the sky, lips pressed together and tears streaming down her face.
‘And none of it matters if I fail my Dickens module and get sent home. I have to keep a 65 average and I didn’t think that would be hard but it’s so hard, so incredibly hard.
School is the one thing I’ve always been good at and now I can’t even say that.
Imagine if you got here and found out you suck at soccer, like, the standard here was a thousand times more intense than back at Marshall and you got cut from the team. How would you feel?’
‘I would feel like the world was ending,’ I say and it’s true. I know because that’s how I felt when Bre’s dad made it clear I should not plan on returning to Marshall this year.
‘My folks spent so much money to send me here, more than they had, and for what?’ Mia gulps in air as I shake that ugly conversation out of my mind. It’s not about me right now. ‘Tens of thousands of dollars for me to find out I was never that smart to begin with.’
‘You’re the smartest person I know,’ I tell her, pulling a napkin from my pocket and handing it to her.
She swipes at her eyes than drops it to the ground.
‘So what if classes are a little tricky here? You’re still settling in.
Mia, you’ll get it. You were an English tutor at Marshall, they don’t let just anyone do shit like that. ’
‘Dr Quinn doesn’t exactly rate Marshall’s academic credentials. Also, he hates me.’
‘No one hates you.’
I tilt her chin towards me until I can see her face. She isn’t crying anymore, just staring, her expression completely blank.
‘No one hates you. Even if they’re a little pissed off right now, I guarantee your friends aren’t going to ditch you because of one argument. It’s not like you—’
Put your brother in a wheelchair and almost killed your girlfriend.
‘It’s not like you did anything to intentionally hurt them.
’ I finish my sentence with a lump in my throat.
‘The job thing we can work out, there has to be something else you can do. And I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to English, but if you wanted to, we could study together?
God knows I need all the library time I can get. ’
Mia pulls away from my chest and her eyes focus on me.
‘Why aren’t you at the bop?’ she asks, eyebrows squeezing together with the question.
‘Wasn’t feeling it.’
It might not be the whole truth, but it is the truth.
‘Let’s go back to halls,’ I suggest. ‘We could watch a movie if you want? I picked up more of that cookie dough from the store.’
‘You’re being so nice to me.’ Her fingers curl against the fabric of my jersey. ‘Why are you being so nice to me?’
‘Because I like you.’
The words register like I’m speaking a foreign language, a frown forming as Mia tries to translate.
‘Because you’re smart,’ I add when she doesn’t say anything. ‘You don’t take my shit. You make me laugh, even when you don’t mean to. I like you because when I’m with you, I feel like I’m home.’
‘Home.’ Her face smooths out and she nods to herself. ‘You like me because I remind you of home. Honey butter biscuits and Marshall college, okay, I get it now.’
The grass around us is already sparkling with dew but I can’t feel the damp, I can’t feel anything but Mia.
‘That’s not it at all.’
‘No, that’s just fine,’ she insists. ‘I’m the only person in this whole country who knows what a big deal you are. It must be a nice reminder for you, having me around.’
‘I don’t want any reminders,’ I say, holding her closer as she pulls away.
‘When I say home, what I mean is, the way I feel when I’m with you is the way I want to feel always.
When we’re together, things feel right. I want to know everything about you, Mia, your favourite book, your favourite ice cream flavour, which side of the bed you sleep on, all of it.
You could read me a shopping list and I’d be hooked on every word, not because you know me from Marshall but because you’re you.
You’re fascinating. You’re smart and you’re beautiful and you’re fascinating. ’
She flinches against my chest.
‘That’s not what Oliver thinks.’
‘Then he’s a fucking idiot.’
Something flares in her eyes and all at once, her lips are on mine.
Mia Meyers is kissing me. She slides around in my lap until she’s straddling me, the towel she’s wearing riding up over her hips as she wraps her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck.
I kiss her back, instinctively and without question, my hands in her hair, on her back, touching her face, constantly moving to make sure this is really happening, that she’s really here.
But she is, her hungry mouth on mine, both of her hands cupping my face as if she needs to hold me in place.
But I’m going nowhere, not now, not ever.
I would make this spot my whole world if I could.
I would never, ever move if I had the choice.
Our bodies press so close not even lamplight can slip between us.
Mia groans into my mouth as I lower my hand to the bottom of her towel and slide it underneath.
I find her underwear, soft panties with a lace trim, just like I imagined, and every time she moves, grazing my cock with her ass, I get harder and harder until I am aching for release.
She isn’t pulling away, there’s no doubt in her, no question at all. She wants this as much as I do.
Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, I trace a line down her spine and she shivers, making me grit my teeth to stop myself moaning out loud.
This isn’t about me. Following the line of her body, I sketch a path over her hip, around her leg, pausing at the top of her thigh.
My hand rests there, the heat from her core rising to meet my skin and I know if I touch her now, she’ll be wet.
It would be so easy. All I have to do is pull down my shorts, slip her panties to the side and take her.
Her soft sighs and murmurs get louder as her hands press against my chest, her hips gently bucking back and forth when I deepen the kiss.
Her mouth tastes like heaven. I wonder what she’ll taste like when I go down on her.
The thought alone makes me thrust up against her and she groans.
I could make her come so hard she never even thinks of Oliver ever again.
But I don’t. I can’t. Not like this.
‘Hey, Mia, hey.’ My words come out choked and it takes every last ounce of self-restraint I have to break the kiss. ‘No, we can’t.’
Mia’s eyes are glazed, her lips already swollen and red. I concentrate on a spot by her ear because can’t look directly at her. If I do, I won’t be able to stop myself.
‘But last time you said—’
‘I know I did but this isn’t right.’
Lifting her out of my lap, I stand, adjusting myself to tuck my raging erection into the waistband of my Calvins as she stares at the ground.
‘You don’t want me.’
Her words are leaden. They drag me down me like a ten-tonne weight.
‘I don’t want you like this.’
I hold out my hand to help her to her feet but she ignores me, pushing up off the ground herself. I can’t tell if her face is red from the scruff on my chin or embarrassment, but either way it’s my fault and I can’t forgive myself.
‘You’re not with me right now because you want to be,’ I say, guttural and full of regret. ‘You’re with me because you want to get back at Oliver.’
A shrug, her bare shoulders gleaming in the moonlight.
‘So?’
I didn’t realize how badly I wanted her to deny it until it’s out of her mouth. My heart sinks as she stares at me, cold and hurt.
‘I care about you,’ I whisper, trying to hold it together. ‘When we’re together, I want to be the only one you’re thinking about.’
She scoffs, arms wrapped around herself.
‘Because you’ve only ever slept with girls when you have a deep emotional connection? Give me a break, Ethan.’ Mia is vicious when she’s hurt but I don’t say anything. I can’t. She’s right after all; I’ve hooked up with girls and barely even known their names, but it’s different this time.
She’s different.
I’m different.
‘Is this a game?’
I squint at her, trying to make sense of the question.
‘Is this fun for you?’ she asks. ‘Watching me make a fool of myself?’
A chill runs through me. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘No, it’s a bet.’ Her voice gets louder as she gets angrier and angrier.
‘Oh my God, I’m right, aren’t I? Who put you up to it, your buddy, Gabe?
Pretend to be interested in the librarian then laugh your asses off when I fall for it.
Well, don’t worry, Ethan, I won’t tell anyone you didn’t manage to seal the deal. ’
How could she think that? I’m about to defend myself but then I remember. I’m not a perfect person and if she ever found out the truth, it would be so much worse.
It isn’t easy to look dignified in a pair of slides, but Mia manages somehow.
She marches off up the path towards Carpenter and I follow, keeping more of a distance between us this time.
When she reaches the front door, she throws it wide open then slams it shut behind her, leaving me outside in the cold.
I stay right where I am until I see her bedroom light switch on, her curtains snatch shut.
I’m miserable as I let myself in and start up the stairs. Miserable but strangely relieved. I told her how I feel and now I have to let her go.
I don’t deserve her.