Chapter 53
Mia
Ethan’s game starts at three.
Jenna and Alice are going, Jenna because she wouldn’t miss a soccer game for her life, and Alice because it is a non-negotiable clause in her friendship contract with Jenna.
But am I going too? Undecided. In spite of everything, I miss Ethan more than I can stand.
So much so that two nights ago, I shook out a handful of flour in front of his door, in case he came back in the night.
The housekeeping team weren’t impressed but I swore I’d clean up after myself.
I just needed to know if he’d been here.
I hate that his dad paid his way into Hemden because he couldn’t face the fire back at Marshall, but it’s not surprising, and now I’ve had time to think, it’s not unforgiveable.
A father looking out for his son, I guess anyone who could, would.
However he got here, Ethan has earned the right to stay, killing it in class and on the soccer field.
I don’t know why he said those things about me but that isn’t what hurts the most. What stings is the fact he didn’t trust me with the truth.
On the desk, my phone rings. I stare at the handset as it dances across the surface, rumbly vibrations accompanying the high-pitched trill.
My mom. She hasn’t called since I missed my slot last Sunday but I’m not going to panic, I’m not.
I take a deep breath in before I answer, the way Jenna showed me at her yoga class on Thursday.
I’ve been keeping myself busy. It helps, a little.
‘Mom?’ I answer, counting my breaths instead of giving in to the pounding of my heart.
‘So you are alive, saints be praised. Call off the FBI, Derek, she’s still with us.’
Good to know she isn’t going to be melodramatic or anything.
‘I’m sorry I forgot to call on Sunday,’ I say, rolling a pen between my fingers. ‘I told Kane I’d call back, but he said it wasn’t a good time.’
‘Is there ever a good time to find out your only daughter has forgotten you exist? I cannot believe you would be so selfish, Mia. Your daddy and I have been in a state waiting on you to pick up the phone. If he knows I’m calling you now, he’ll be furious, yes, he will.’
‘So he isn’t on the phone to the FBI?’
Mom sniffs. ‘I don’t think that kind of attitude is going to make things any better, Mia Meyers. Five days we’ve been waiting, missy, five days.’
‘I was going to call tomorrow,’ I tell her, breathing in, breathing out. ‘Our usual Sunday call?’
‘The one you missed last week? When I did not know if you were alive or dead in a ditch somewhere?’
I try to recall all the things I talked about with Billie. After our emergency session, she added me to her weekly schedule and I already feel like I’m developing helpful tools. If only I could remember exactly what they are right now.
‘Mom,’ I begin slowly. ‘I’m four thousand miles away in another country with a five-hour time difference. I can’t FaceTime you with my every movement.’
‘I’m only asking for a couple of calls a week!
’ she shrieks, and I can see her, marching around the kitchen, putting on a scene for an invisible audience.
‘You have no idea how stressful it is for me, no idea at all. I don’t know what you’re doing, who you’re with, where you’re going.
A lot of things can happen to a little girl like you. ’
‘You’re right, I don’t understand exactly how you’re feeling, but, Mom, I’m not a little girl, I’m twenty years old and I need my independence. You don’t need to know what I’m doing every second of every day.’
But my mom isn’t listening. Why change the habit of a lifetime?
‘I knew we shouldn’t have let you go overseas. I knew it would change you.’
‘It has changed me,’ I agree. ‘For the better.’
‘I’ll be the judge of that,’ she grunts into the phone. ‘And I do not believe I agree with you. All that money down the drain so you can decide you’re too good to check in with your mother now and then to let her know you’re still alive. One call a day, is that so hard?’
‘I thought you only wanted a couple of calls a week?’
Inaudible muttering fuzzes down the line.
‘Mom, do you remember when you were my age?’ I ask.
‘It wasn’t that long ago, Mia, please don’t talk to me like I’m some ancient crone.’
‘I’m only asking you to put yourself in my place. Didn’t you feel smothered by Grandma and Grandpa sometimes?’
‘It’s the place you’re in that I’m worried about,’ she replies.
‘And no, I did not feel smothered, I felt loved. I am very sorry my caring about you offends you so.’ She clucks her tongue and I’m preparing for a fight when she adds, ‘I thought I would be used to the idea of losing you by now. You’ve been dying to get away from me for years, don’t think I don’t know it. ’
‘You haven’t lost me,’ I say, caught out by her quick pivot from supremely aggrieved to heartbroken mother hen. ‘I’ll always be your daughter. I just need a little space to figure out who else I’m going to be.’
She’s sniffing now and why does this feel like I’m breaking up with my mom?
It’s not you, it’s me, except it’s definitely you.
I don’t want to resent my parents and I don’t want them to feel that I’m shutting them out, but if I’m ever going to be truly comfortable with myself, I need to accept that not every single person in my life will be happy with every decision I make. Starting with my parents.
‘It didn’t feel this way when Kane went away to school,’ she says in a small voice. ‘I didn’t have to worry so much about him.’
Which is completely illogical because if anyone is going to bring the authorities to my parents’ door, it sure isn’t me. Kane, on the other hand? I wouldn’t bet the house against it.
‘I’m not going to tell you not to worry about me because I know that you will,’ I reply. ‘But I don’t think there’s anything I could do to change that, other than live at home for the rest of my life.’
‘No one said anything about the rest of your life.’
There’s a huff and more muttering but I think I might finally be getting through.
‘I’m going to call tomorrow night, okay?’ I tell her, checking the time. ‘Right now, I have to go.’
‘Go where? You don’t have class on a Saturday.’
‘There’s a soccer game I want to watch.’
‘Watch the game or watch the players?’
She’s only teasing me but I don’t reply.
The truth won’t help either of us sleep better tonight.
The last thing my parents need right now is to hear about my messy love life.
It’s never going to be a straight line with me and them, but hopefully, we’ve made some steps towards a healthier relationship. Baby steps maybe but it’s a start.
‘So you’ll call tomorrow?’ my mom asks.
‘I’ll call tomorrow,’ I confirm. ‘Love you.’
‘Love you too, honey. Just don’t forget.’
She ends the call before I can argue, always the queen of getting the last word, but I feel better than I did and that’s a first after a phone call with my mother.
I’m stashing my phone back in my desk when there’s a knock at the door. I already know who it is. Alice and Jenna in their Hemden colours, beaming at me when I let them in.
‘Come on, we’re going.’ Jenna grabs my scarf from the hook on the wall and lassoes me around the neck with it.
‘Don’t argue. You’re going to have to see him sooner or later, better to do it from a distance at an event where you’re perfectly entitled to scream at the top of your lungs and call him a wanker should the mood strike. ’
There’s no fighting logic like that.
‘Do I have time to pee?’ I ask.
‘No,’ Jenna replies. ‘You can wet yourself on the way. I don’t want shit seats.’
‘You’re coming then?’ Alice almost looks disappointed as I pull on my coat, loading the pockets with keys, lip balm and credit cards. ‘I thought you’d put up more of a fight, I had a whole speech planned.’
Jenna clucks her tongue at her best friend.
‘When don’t you?’
I’m grabbing a pair of gloves Jenna insists I don’t need when all our cell phones chime at the same time. Alice gets to hers first.
‘It’s Michael,’ she says, reading the message. ‘Wants to know if we’re coming to the game.’
‘As if we’d make him play without his good luck charm,’ Jenna grins. ‘Tell him no. Let’s see him sweat.’
Alice looks up and pulls a face at me.
‘He wants to know if you’re coming.’
Me? Why would Michael want to see me?
‘And can you come down to the changing rooms ASAP? He says it’s urgent.’
‘Tell him we’re on our way,’ Jenna says, gripping my wrist. ‘No way Michael would ask unless it really is.’
‘You don’t think …’ My heart is in my mouth as all the possibilities spin around in my mind, the wheel of misfortune. ‘You don’t think anything has happened to Ethan?’
Neither of them answer. Instead, Alice yanks me through the door leaving Jenna to close it behind us, a cloud of white powder filling the hallway as we run.