24. Chapter 24
Chapter 24
The next morning, Bailey groaned as she rolled over in bed. She’d tossed and turned all night long and still was no closer to an answer. Several times throughout the night she’d picked up her phone to text Gonzo, but what was she gonna say? Were you serious about me moving out? She couldn’t ask that. Nor could she ask if he couldn’t just stay in San Diego.
As much as his dig hurt, after she’d cooled off, she’d known he hadn’t meant the comment about her getting her own place. That wasn’t Gonzo. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier for her to know what to do next. How the hell was she supposed to even think about uprooting her life again when everything in her body recoiled at the thought of it? What if she moved and lost him anyway, just like Brad?
But not moving guaranteed she’d lose him. Damn it. She looked up at the ceiling and screamed. What was she supposed to do? And how were they supposed to figure it out when he wasn’t even here to talk to?
After several minutes, she pushed herself upright on the bed. She couldn’t just sit around here all day. Grabbing her phone, she pulled up Kia’s number.
BAILEY
Hey, what are you up to today? I need to get out of the house.
KIA
Max and I are hitting the beach. Wanna come?
BAILEY
Definitely.
KIA
We'll wait for you to get over here.
BAILEY
On my way.
Hanging with Max would be the perfect distraction. It was hard to be depressed around that kid.
Bailey quickly threw on her bathing suit and covered it up with shorts and a T-shirt. She threw a towel and underwear in her beach bag, dropped in a book and sunscreen, and headed for the door.
As she got behind the wheel of Gonzo’s SUV she’d been driving for the past few months, she sighed. She’d become so dependent on him since she moved here. Their lives were totally intertwined. She relied on him for a car, a place to live. Her entire friend group was made up of his friend’s partners. She hadn’t made a single friend of her own since she moved here. Sure, that hopefully would change once they got into the swing of fall semester and she was actually working regularly and meeting people, but at the moment, her entire life revolved around him.
This was exactly what she’d said she didn’t want to happen. When she’d been with Brad, he’d controlled everything. What she wore, who she hung out with, what she ate and now look at her, she’d let herself do the same thing.
Bailey pulled up in front of Smitty’s beach house. While Gonzo’s place was amazing, there really was something about a house on the beach. The location wasn’t nearly as convenient as Gonzo’s, but the view…unbelievable.
She rang the bell. A moment later, the door swung wide. Kia answered in a pair of shorts and a bikini top. Bailey stared at the tattoos covering the other woman’s body. She’d known Kia had a lot of tattoos but seeing them like this was eye opening. “Wow,” Bailey said.
“Not for the faint of heart.” Kia chuckled.
Bailey forced herself to stop staring. “Sorry, that was rude. My little sociological brain kicked into high gear there.”
“What?”
Embarrassed, she ducked her head. “I didn’t mean to stare. I saw all your tattoos and I instantly started thinking about a lecture I could do on body art and the wheels were spinning.”
“A lecture on body art?” Kia laughed. “Wow, our brains really do work differently.” Kia held open the door and stepped back. “Come on in.”
Now that her brain had started down this path, she couldn’t turn it off. “How do you feel about public speaking?”
“What?” Kia blinked at her.
“Public speaking. Yay or nay?”
Kia eyed her warily. “Umm. I guess it depends on how many people we’re talking about and why I’m talking?”
“Would you have any interest in coming in and talking to my class about tattooing?”
Kia puffed out her cheeks and audibly exhaled. “How big is your class?”
“It’s not too big, maybe around seventy-five people.”
Kia’s eyes widened. “Seventy-five? Umm…can I be honest?”
“Of course,” Bailey replied.
“That sounds awful. I was thinking like Max’s class size and even that would be pushing my comfort zone since this would be adults, not kids. But seventy-five? No, thank you. Sorry, you’re gonna have to find some other tattooed body to discuss.”
“No, no, no, I wasn’t wanting to discuss your body. Well, not exactly. I was hoping you could talk about why you like it both as an artist and as someone who clearly enjoys getting tattoos.”
“Nope, seventy-five is far too many judgy little eyeballs looking at me.” Kia shook her head. “Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. That would absolutely terrify me.”
Bailey shrugged. “You get used to it. Besides, despite what they might think, I still know more than they do.”
“I guess, but still, public speaking is not for me. It’s listed as one of the top ten fears for a reason.”
“I guess,” Bailey mumbled. Public speaking was fine. But the idea of following Gonzo to some unknown city, relying on him and then things not working out absolutely terrified her. What happened with Brad was bad enough, but at least she’d had a job to fall back on. If push came to shove, she could support herself, at least. The idea of depending completely on someone else financially made her feel sick.
“You okay?” Kia asked. “You look a little pale all of a sudden.”
“Yeah, just thinking.”
“Mom,” Max called. “Can we go to the beach now?”
“Yep. Grab your stuff.”
A moment later, Max came tearing down the hallway with his towel dragging on the floor behind him. “Here,” he said, thrusting his towel at his mom as he hopped into his flip-flops.
Bailey grinned as Kia looked at her son, her face a mixture of amusement and exasperation. “Manners, dude, say hi to Bailey.”
Max glanced over his shoulder. “Hi Bailey, can we go now?”
Bailey chuckled. “Let’s do it.”
Max whipped open the door and raced toward the beach. Bailey couldn’t do much more than follow in his wake.
She spread out her towel on the sand and plopped down with a sigh.
“You okay?” Kia asked.
“Not really, no,” she mumbled as she looked out at the water.
“You want to talk about it?”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw what looked like parachutes drifting through the sky.
“Bailey?”
She pulled her attention off the skydivers.
“You want to talk about it?” Kia asked.
“What?” she absently replied as her gaze shot to the parachutes once more. An idea taking hold. “I’m going skydiving,” Bailey announced.
“What?” Kia’s head whipped around. “What do you mean you’re going skydiving? When?”
Bailey stood up. “Now.”
“Whoa, hang on.” Kia grabbed her arm. “What’s happening here?”
Bailey scooped up her towel. “You can come if you want to, but I’m going.”
“Holy shit, okay, wait.” Kia scrambled to her feet. “Max, let’s go,” she yelled.
Bailey tapped her knuckles on her knee as Kia pulled up to the hanger at SoCal Soar Skydiving and parked the car.
Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
“Is this where you jump out of the plane?” Max asked from the backseat. “Will I be able to see you?”
“Yep, this is it, buddy.” Kia turned in her seat to look at her son. “We have to stay on the ground when Bailey jumps, but we’ll try to guess which one she is when she’s coming down.”
“Let’s go.” Max unhooked his seatbelt, stood up, and poked his head between the seats. “Are you scared?”
“Umm a little.” Bailey eyed the plane near the hangar. It somehow seemed both bigger and smaller than she’d expected. She took a deep breath and let it out. Squaring her shoulders, she pushed open her car door. “Let’s do this.”
As she walked to the hangar, Bailey dimly listened to Max pepper his mom with questions. How fast did the plane fly? How fast would it be going when she jumped out?
Kia pulled open the hangar door and held it. As Max walked in, he asked, “What if there’s a bird?”
Kia winced and mouthed sorry to Bailey, before saying to her son, “There won’t be a bird and if there is, it’ll move.”
Bailey’s heart jumped. What if there was a bird? That had to be bad, didn’t it? Was death by bird a thing? She put her hand on her pounding chest. She was too old for this. Maybe she didn’t have to literally jump out of a plane to take a leap of faith with Gonzo.
Kia grabbed Bailey’s forearm. “It’s completely safe. You got this. No guts, no glory.”
Right, like her mom always said, fear was just a lie you told yourself.
“Hey guys.” Sloane stood up from behind the desk in the corner and walked toward them. “Hi Max, you here to watch Bailey jump out of the plane?”
“Yeah, but she might chicken out.”
Geez called out by a child. That was rough. Was it that obvious? Now there was no way she could back out. “I’m not gonna chicken out,” she told him.
“You sure? Cuz you kinda look like you wanna puke.”
Bailey pretended to sneer at the little boy. “I’m not gonna puke.”
Max cocked his head to the side and wrinkled his nose as he looked at her. “You sure?”
“Positive.” She stood up straight. “Alright, Sloane, what do I need to do?”
“First, we need to fill out some paperwork. Then we have a video and a bunch of safety stuff to go through.” Sloane guided them back toward the desk.
“Whoa.” Max stared wide-eyed at the open parachute attached to the back wall of the hangar. The colorful fabric looked like a mural with a beautiful butterfly in the middle.
Bailey glanced at Kia. “You don’t have to stick around for all this. He’s gonna get pretty bored.”
“Nah, it’s cool. He’s got his heart set on seeing you fly through the sky. We have books in the car to read while we wait, so we’re good.”
“Can we go look at that?” Max pointed to the parachute.
“Absolutely,” Sloane replied.
And like a shot, Max ran toward the opposite wall, with his mom trailing behind him.
“So what made you wake up this morning and want to jump out of a plane?” Sloane asked.
“How do you know I haven’t always wanted to do this?”
“Besides what you said that night in the bar?” Sloane held out the clipboard with a waiver form on the top. “I’ve been doing this a long time. I can tell the difference between a bucket list and someone who’s battling some demons.”
“That obvious?”
“Kinda. You want to talk about it?”
Did she want to tell a virtual stranger that she was scared she’d lose herself if she followed Gonzo? That despite everything he said, she was terrified she didn’t have what it took to hold on to him long term? Hell no, that was not a conversation she wanted to have. “I’m good, thanks.”
“You’re gonna be jumping out of a plane strapped to my chest. Emotions often come up for people. Sometimes it’s easier to work through a few things down here.”
Bailey’s mouth dropped open. How was that gonna work? “Hang on, I’m gonna be strapped to your chest? But you’re tiny. I’ll crush you.”
Sloane chuckled. “I’m a lot stronger than I look.”
She’d have to be. From what she could tell, there wasn’t an ounce of fat on the other woman. Bailey had her by a good 3-4 inches and at least 50lbs. “Umm, no offense but…” Bailey waved her hand, gesturing to her own body. The other woman had to see how this would be a problem.
“I got you. There’s nothing to worry about. I’ve jumped with some pretty big dudes and stuck the landing.”
“Okay,” Bailey mumbled. Grabbing a pen, she started filling out the paperwork. “Hang on. Why do you need to know my weight?”
“Oh, you’re there already? Hang on, let’s get you on the scale.”
“You need me to get on a scale? Why?” Geez, writing it down was bad enough. Having Sloane see her standing on a scale was mortifying.
“We’ve just found people don’t always accurately know their weight, so the scale ensures we have the best number.”
“Umm…” Bailey eyed the torture device in front of her. How many diets had her mom put her on as a kid? The scale had become something she dreaded and avoided at all costs. Her heart pounded in her chest. The drumbeat was so loud it was like she’d already jumped out of the plane.
“Bailey you okay?” Sloane asked.
“Uh, yeah sure.” Bailey eyed the scale again. She couldn’t do this. “I think I changed my mind.”
Sloane’s hand snaked out and grabbed her wrist. “Come sit down for a second.” Sloane pulled Bailey into an office and closed the door. Bailey paced around the small office.
“Bailey talk to me. What’s going on?”
“I just—” How the hell was she supposed to explain this?
“You know we’re not so different, you and I,” Sloane said.
Bailey raised her eyebrow as she looked at the other woman. “How do you figure?”
“The first time I came skydiving it was because I was terrified of heights.”
“You’re scared of heights?” Why would someone do this for their job if they were afraid of heights?
“Turns out I’m not really. I mean, yes, I have the normal, healthy caution around heights, but not actual fear.”
“Okay?” Where was she going with this?
“What I’m saying is my fear wasn’t about the height, it was about control. Losing control, not being able to control the outcome. All of those little what ifs that scared the beejeezus out of me.”
The kindness and understanding on Sloane’s face made Bailey’s chest tighten. Did she understand? Could she?
“So what is it about the scale that scares you, Bailey? Because it’s not me seeing your weight.”
Okay, apparently she didn’t understand at all, because it was definitely about the weight. Bailey snorted in reply.
“It’s not. That number means nothing to me other than for safety. That number matters to you. Your actual weight doesn’t change just because you happen to know the number. Your pants still fit the same. Who you are is still the same. What changes is the power you give that number.”
“Okay, not to be rude, but I came here to jump out of a plane, not have a counseling session.”
“Fair enough, and I’m not trying to psychoanalyze you. I’ve just been doing this long enough to have seen the catharsis that can come from doing something that scares you and the healing that can come after. You came here for a reason, Bailey. You either wrangle the fear or it wrangles you. Up to you. I can’t do it for you, but in this case, it doesn’t get much closer than being strapped to you to support you through it. Like I said, I’m stronger than I look and I think you are too.” Sloane stood up. “I’ll give you a minute,” she said and closed the door behind her.
Bailey dropped into the open seat. Damn it. This was supposed to be simple. Just jump out of a plane and live to tell about it. Rah, rah, female empowerment shit. Not something that dug into a bunch of her inner child lifelong body image issues. This was so not what she’d thought she was signing up for.
Resting her elbows on her knees, she dropped her face into her hands. Did she want to deal with this today?
Shit. She’d come so far already on this issue with Gonzo’s help, but if she was honest with herself, truly honest, part of why she thought things wouldn’t work with them was because of her body image crap. If her own mother hadn’t thought she was good enough and judged her on her body, why wouldn’t everyone else? Before Gonzo, every man she’d chosen had criticized her body, said she was pretty but…
Was Sloane right? Was Gonzo? “Agh,” she growled. “Fuck it.” Bailey pushed to her feet. It looked like she was jumping out of a goddamn plane after all.
She opened the office door and marched over to the scale. “Let’s do this.”
“Atta girl,” Sloane whooped.
Bailey stepped up to the scale. “I’m doing this, but don’t say it out loud, okay.”
“No problem,” Sloane agreed.
After one deep breath, Bailey stood on the scale. She eyed the number, winced, and closed her eyes. It’s fine, it’s just a number, she told herself.
“Got it,” Sloane said. “You can step off now.”
Bailey hopped off and looked over at Sloane. The other woman looked at her exactly the same as she had before she’d been weighed. “Thanks,” Bailey murmured.
“Of course. Now let’s go get this video watched and start talking safety so we can get you up in the air.”
“Alright, I’ll follow you.”
An hour later, Bailey suited up and followed Sloane to the plane.
“We’ll meet you at the drop zone,” Kia told her.
“Thanks for sticking around. I know this was a little boring for you both.”
Kia rubbed the top of Max’s head. “It’s all good. He’s pumped to watch you and now that he met everyone in your group, he’s even more excited.”
“I’ll try not to land on you, Max,” Bailey teased.
The little boy’s eyes widened. “I’m not standing on the button. Sloane said I had to be outside the target.”
Bailey chuckled. “Yep, you do. I was just teasing you.”
“Oh, good one,” he laughed. “High five.” He held up his hand for her to smack. She smacked his hand, then turned to her friend and gave her a quick hug. “Big girl panties, right?”
“Absolutely, you got this. I don’t know what made you have to do this today, but whatever it is, let the wind rip that shit off and leave it behind,” Kia said.
“That’s the plan.” Bailey gave her one more tight squeeze. She’d watched the video. She knew the stats on how safe tandem jumps were, yet that didn’t stop the buzz of nerves coursing through her veins.
Bailey and Sloane followed two other tandem groups onto the plane. At the metal bench, Sloane sat down, got herself situated, then patted her legs. “Have a seat and we’ll get you strapped to me.”
A wave of embarrassment crashed into her chest. She knew she’d have to sit on Sloane’s lap the entire flight, but now that it was here, she really didn’t want to. Damn it, how stupid she was more nervous about putting her full weight on someone’s lap than she was about jumping out of a plane. Clearly, she needed some flippin’ therapy or something. This was ridiculous. Bailey chastised herself, then sat on Sloane’s lap. With a couple of deft moves, they were strapped together.
Sloane tapped her shoulder and pointed at the guy who was going to be taking photos of the jump and flashed him a thumbs up. Bailey pasted a grin on her face. This was it.
As the plane rose into the sky, nervous excitement replaced the previous anxiety.
“How are you doing?” Sloane asked.
“I’m good. Excited.”
Sloane squeezed her arm. “You’re gonna have a blast.”
A couple of minutes later, the pilot let them know they had leveled off. The photographer stood up and opened the door. “We’re up,” Sloane told her.
“We’re going first?” Bailey squeaked. She’d kind of been hoping to watch someone else go first, but maybe this was better. They lined up at the edge of the door.
The photographer hung out of the plane facing them and yelled, “Smile!”
“Cheese,” Bailey yelled back. Holy shit, this was really happening. Her heart pounded in her chest. She sucked in a breath. “Oh, boy.” Her breath exhaled in a whoosh. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and nodded to Sloane to let her know she was ready.
They sat down on the edge with their feet dangling. “On three,” Sloane said and Bailey nodded to let her know she’d heard. “One.” The photographer dropped out of the doorway, leaving Bailey on the edge. “Two.” Bailey glanced down. Oh god, they were going to die. “Three.”
As they slid off the edge, a scream tore out of Bailey’s mouth, followed by a laugh from Sloane.
“Open your eyes,” Sloane told her.
She hadn’t even realized her eyes were closed. Bailey peeled her eyes open. Her first thought was fuck. Quickly followed by awe at the sight in front of her. “This is amazing,” she yelled.
“Told you.”
Bailey threw her arms out wide. She was flying. And she’d never felt more free in her entire life. She looked at the little video recorder strapped to Sloane’s wrist and grinned.
After what felt like no time at all, Sloane tapped her hand to let her know it was time to pull the cord for the parachute. The shoot deployed and suddenly they were floating instead of soaring. Sloane guided her to steer the parachute, so they stayed on course to hit the target when they landed.
Before the chute opened, she hadn’t even been aware of their surroundings. She’d just been basking in the powerful feeling of freedom unlike anything she’d ever felt.
The freedom she felt now was so different from what she’d felt before the chute opened. That had been spectacular, but this? This was so incredible in its own right. She truly understood the expression “being on top of the world.” She could see for miles in every direction.
They glided through the air for a couple of minutes. The only words spoken between them were directions from Sloane to keep them on track. After a couple minutes, Sloane took control of their shoot to guide them the rest of the way in.
Trusting that Sloane was fully in control, Bailey closed her eyes and just let the breeze hit her face as she enjoyed the feeling of being weightless in the sky. She’d expected to have a bit of nerves about her feet dangling at the height, but she didn’t, she felt completely safe. In this moment, she didn’t need to worry about a single thing, not her job, not her relationship, not her finances, nothing. Her eyes popped open as she felt Sloane change their angle. They’d be coming in for their landing any second.
“Legs out,” Sloane ordered.
Bailey put her legs in the landing position, and Sloane set them down safely on their butts. Her body took a second to register it was back on solid ground. She unclipped her harness and popped up and spun to face Sloane. “Oh my god, that was amazing.”
“Told you.” Sloane chuckled. “Was it everything you were hoping for?”
“Oh, it was so much more.” She couldn’t even begin to explain what she was feeling.
Sloane scooped up their parachute and pointed to the spectator area outside the landing zone. “Looks like you impressed your cheering team.”
Bailey glanced over at Max, jumping up and down, waving his arms. She flashed him a little wave and headed in their direction with Sloane.
“Thank you so much for this, Sloane. I’m glad you didn’t let me chicken out.”
“Good. You feeling like you have a little more perspective?”
She didn’t know what she was feeling at the moment other than high. “Too soon to tell, but I do feel amazing.”
Sloane grinned. “Yeah, that’s pretty normal.”
“Is this what you feel like every time?”
“Nah, there’s nothing like the first jump, but I’m not going to lie. It never gets old.”
“I can’t imagine feeling like this every day. No wonder you do this job.”
“It is pretty outstanding. But you’re welcome to come back anytime. Maybe eventually get you to do a solo jump.”
The sky drew her gaze. It looked so open with endless possibilities. “Yeah maybe.”
As they walked closer to Max and Kia, Max yelled, “That was awesome!”
“I know, right?” Bailey widened her eyes and flashed him a big toothy grin.
Sloane looked at Kia. “So what do you think, wanna go?”
Kia glanced at the sky, then at Max. “No, I’ve got enough excitement right here on the ground.”
“Well, if you change your mind,” Sloane replied, then turned to Bailey. “Anytime you want to go again you’ve got my number.”
Bailey wrapped the other woman in a hug. “Thank you.”
Sloane squeezed her tight and patted her back. “Anytime.”
Bailey watched the other woman walk away, then turned to Max. “Who wants ice cream?”