Chapter 13 #2
“Zoe’s at the ballet school,” I say before my brain can stop me.
What a dumb idea, to tell East, of all people.
He’s the only one who knows everything. Telling him was impossible to avoid, considering he saved my ass by taking me in last summer.
I talked a lot in the first few weeks I lived with him.
I still don’t know why I told him so much, but I did.
“Oh, shit.” He gives me a look of sympathy. “How are you dealing with that?”
I shrug. “I’m not interested,” I say, lying. East’s eyebrows rise skeptically. He doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. I wouldn’t believe me either, in his position. If I wasn’t interested, I wouldn’t have mentioned it, would I have?
“Jase—”
“Don’t you have to work?” I say, pointing at the DJ board.
He hesitates for a moment, then drops it. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
I nod noncommittally, chug the last of my beer, and go downstairs, shoving my way through all the bodies until I’m swallowed up by the crowd.
I close my eyes, and my body moves all by itself in rhythm to the music, following the pounding bass.
I let myself fall into the music and the night, into the forgetting.
I only open my eyes when a girl presses her butt against my crotch. She gives me a lazy look over her shoulder that promises everything, and when I make no move to resist, she turns around and wraps both arms around me. I let her put her lips on mine and hope it will work this time.
For more than a year, I’ve been trying to erase it, to make it unhappen—that one kiss that I can’t forget. It never works. It’s burned irrevocably into my system.
I realize immediately that it’s not going to work today either.
Everything feels wrong, and I back away.
The girl frowns irritably, but I don’t say a word.
I want to slap myself, because it’s ridiculous that I can’t forget one damn kiss.
Zoe still haunts me, and I can’t help thinking about how she took the note from me.
I’m sure that when I come back later, the note will be slipped under my door. With an answer. And maybe also with a secret.
I make my way back to campus because it was a mistake to even come here today. It was clear that it wouldn’t do me any good.
Before
Zoe
One year earlier
June 25, 3:09 PM
I push one dress after another along the rail, but I’m not focused on what I’m doing. I’m still thinking about Caleb’s graduation. Caleb, my parents, and Jase. Jase, whose parents didn’t come to his graduation.
“Zoe, have you made up your mind yet?” Charlotte brings me rudely back to the present. I suppress a sigh, choose a dress blindly, and turn around to see the annoyed look on her face. She’s impatiently tapping her toe on the floor.
“Yes, I have,” I say, plastering a beaming smile on my face that feels completely fake.
“Great!” Her face brightens, and she twirls around in a graceful pirouette, always showing off that she’s a ballerina, and dances over to Amber and Scarlett. I follow her, even though I actually just want to go home. This shopping trip was a terrible idea.
“So, are you ready?” Charlotte pushes a lock of black hair behind her ear and points at the changing rooms.
“Yes,” Amber says, and Scarlett nods.
“Let’s do it, then.” Charlotte giggles enthusiastically and disappears into one of the cubicles a second later. Amber and Scarlett take the next two, and I sigh as I enter the fourth.
The dress I took without thinking turns out to be a surprisingly good choice. The soft pink brings out the red of my hair, and the skirt swings smoothly around my legs and hits above my knees. I smile. Not bad at all.
“All right, time to show yourselves,” Charlotte trills, and if I didn’t already know that she’d drag me out of here herself if I refuse, I’d just stay where I am.
I step out from behind the curtain and almost choke on my own spit. She looks stunning. The wine-red satin dress clings to her body like a second skin.
“You look beautiful,” I say honestly, and Charlotte beams at me.
“Yes, isn’t it gorgeous?” She strokes the smooth fabric with both hands in awe. Then she eyes the dress I’m wearing and takes on a pitying expression. “Sweetie, that dress is really cute, but are you sure you want to wear it? You look pretty pale.”
“Do you think so?” Unsure, I take a step toward the mirror. Yes, I look pale. Because I am. My mom’s Irish ancestry has left its mark on me.
“Yes . . . well, you can still buy it, of course, but . . .” She lets the words trail off, but of course I know what she’s trying to say. I wouldn’t do that.
“Oh, Zoe, that dress is lovely!” Amber steps out of her cubicle and gives me a warm smile. “You look like a fairy.” Apparently, she didn’t hear my exchange with Charlotte; otherwise, she would never dare say such a thing. She never contradicts Charlotte.
Charlotte looks at her coldly. “I was just saying that Zoe looks a little too pale in that shade of pink.” She shrugs her narrow shoulders and wedges herself between me and the mirror.
She gazes at her reflection in a way that makes me feel envious.
Charlotte is way too aware of her own beauty.
She has no complexes about that, like the rest of us.
“I think it’s about time I make a move on Jase, don’t you think?” she says, tapping her full lips thoughtfully with one manicured finger.
“What?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. My heart is suddenly beating way too fast, and I can feel the blood draining from my face.
No. No no no! Please, not again.
Either Charlotte doesn’t hear the horror in my voice or she ignores it. She turns around and admires her butt in the mirror. “I heard he’s going to the New England School of Ballet next year, and . . . well, if I go too, we’d be the perfect couple, wouldn’t we?”
“That’s your definition of the perfect couple?” Scarlett scoffs as she steps out of her changing room in a tight black dress.
I don’t hear Charlotte’s reply. My ears are buzzing, and I just want to leave. It’s silly, I know. But if she wants him, she’ll get him. Because Charlotte gets everything she wants. Just the thought that his secrets could easily be hers in the future makes me sick to my stomach.
My heart hurts. Everything hurts, and I realize I’m going to have to do something about it. It’s not about a game or secrets anymore. Now it’s about my heart. And maybe it’s about his too.