Chapter 26
Jase
It felt like a piece of me was missing when I couldn’t write to you anymore. You were the remedy for the chaos in my mind, and it was terrible when you weren’t there.
—Jase
Five years ago, I was happy. I had a functional family, a stable circle of friends, a dream, and every chance in the world to fulfill it. I had everything I wanted.
And then that bubble of childish innocence and cluelessness just popped. Since then, my life has been in a fucking downward spiral. Broken family, no friends, and a future that could dissolve into thin air at any second.
And then there’s Zoe.
The girl who kissed me, then rejected me.
The girl who stopped answering my notes.
The girl who obviously doesn’t want me.
Except the damn kiss last night didn’t feel like she didn’t want me. It felt like something completely different, and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand her.
It’s not like I don’t have enough problems that I have to deal with.
Like the scholarship that I’m busting my butt for and might not get anyway.
Like the tuition fee for this semester that I can’t afford, even with the movie theater job East got me two weeks ago.
But it won’t be enough, not even close. I might be able to cover another two months, but that’s it.
Then it will be over, and I’ll be out on the street.
There are only so many hours in a week, and I’ve used them all up.
I’m completely screwed. My problems are piling up all around me, but I can’t stop thinking about that kiss.
I can’t stop thinking about her lips on mine, her fingers in my hair, the soft sigh that gave me goose bumps all over my body. Her tongue in my mouth. She still tastes like peaches.
I don’t want to think about it. Not about the kiss, and not about the money.
I don’t want to think at all. But I can’t stop, damn it.
I shouldn’t be thinking about her, shouldn’t let her get close to me, shouldn’t let her kiss me.
But it’s too late. I’m not standing on the edge anymore. I’ve fallen.
I want to talk to her. I want to run my hands through her hair. I want to feel her skin on mine, feel her heartbeat. It’s all so wrong, but at the same time, it feels like the only thing that’s right.
Zoe once asked me why I trust her with my secrets. I told her it’s because she’s real. Because she can make me feel something.
That hasn’t changed. I don’t want these damn feelings; they get me absolutely nowhere. But I can’t just turn them off either. The wall I’m hiding behind hasn’t just begun to crumble; Zoe completely decimated it with a single kiss.
Now it’s all back. The pain, the anger, missing her, and the fucking hope that I’ve tried to squash. The feeling of being completely alone in the world, even though I know I’m not.
My body can’t cope with it. It fights back. My heart beats too fast every time I think about Zoe. I’m restless. And I’m angry—at Zoe and Caleb, at my parents and Lia, and at the whole fucking world. Most of all at myself, because I simply can’t stay away from her.
A knock on my door snaps me out of my thoughts, and I think—I hope—that it’s Zoe. I rush to open it, but it’s just my sister. Her blond hair is in a neat braid, and there’s a serious expression in her green eyes.
“We need to talk, Jase.”
* * *
My sister isn’t usually able to catch me off guard. To be honest, I can’t ever remember her doing it. Maybe when she didn’t come to my graduation, but even that wasn’t really surprising. It was more of a confirmation of what I already knew.
But today she manages to throw me off balance.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I say for the third time, still struggling to believe what she’s saying.
Lia stares daggers at me. “Can’t you put a sentence together without swearing?”
“I can, but not in this case.”
“You’re acting childish,” she says, groaning in annoyance.
“Good thing I’m your little brother, because that’s basically my job.” I’m frustrating the hell out of her, and considering the offer she just made me, I probably shouldn’t be. But I can’t help it. I’ve forgotten how to deal with Lia in a normal way.
She glares at me. “So? Do you want the money or not?”
Her perfectly manicured fingernails tap impatiently on the tabletop. We’ve been sitting in a little hipster café for about fifteen minutes. It’s just a few blocks from campus. Lia avoids my room like the plague, and I refused to go to hers.
But neither of us wanted an audience for this conversation, so rather than going to the hall or the cafeteria, we ended up here. Over a cup of the most disgusting coffee I’ve ever had, Lia offered to give me the tuition fee for this semester.
The offer is so absurd that I think my question is completely justified.
“Where did you get that kind of money anyway?” I lean back on my chair and cross my arms over my chest. Lia avoids my gaze, her hands cramping around her coffee cup.
“Lia,” I say sharply, “why do you have so much money that you can just give me thirteen thousand dollars?”
Her face is an expressionless mask that is painfully familiar to me. For a moment, it feels like I’m looking in the mirror.
“Grandma and Grandpa set up a college fund for each of us. Not for the tuition—they knew Mom and Dad had that covered—but just to make our college experiences . . . a little more comfortable.” She’s clearly reluctant to tell me about this, and as soon as my brain computes what she’s said, I almost wish she hadn’t.
I stare at her, nonplussed. “Grandma and Grandpa set up a college fund for each of us?”
She nods.
“Why don’t I know anything about it?”
The answer is so simple, so goddamn obvious that I know the answer as soon as the question is out of my mouth. My parents aren’t the only ones who cut off my funds. I never thought of asking my grandparents for help, but apparently, it wouldn’t have worked anyway.
Lia sighs. “You know why. Don’t force me to say it. Just take the money. It belongs to me; it’s my account. Dad won’t find out.”
It would be so easy just to say yes. It would be so stupid not to. But my pride sees things differently.
“Why do you want to help me?”
“You’re my brother,” she says, as though that would explain everything. In our case, it definitely doesn’t.
“So? You didn’t care about that in the last few years.”
She flinches almost imperceptibly, and a pained expression crosses her face but disappears again quickly. “You asked me if I would have given up my dream just because Mom and Dad wanted me to. I . . . well, let’s just say, I don’t want you to have to give up your dream.”
It’s been three weeks since I said that to her. Three damn weeks. Why is she only getting to it now? My eyes narrow to slits. Part of me wants to believe her, but another part knows better. “So you want to give me thirteen thousand dollars. Just like that. Without asking for anything in return?”
Lia blushes, and my shoulders tense up. “Yes . . . well . . . can’t you just try to smooth things out with Mom and Dad?”
I snort. That was so obvious. “So you’ll only give me the money if I make nice with Mom and Dad? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I just want you to try not to act like a complete asshole. They’d do anything for you, and you’re totally ungrateful!”
“I’m ungrateful?” I snap and jump up. I bump the table as I move, and my cup falls over with a clatter. At least I don’t have to drink the stupid coffee now.
I notice the irritated glances of the other guests, but I couldn’t care less.
“Yes, you are!” Lia stands up too, and her eyes gleam with tears. “Mom and Dad would really do anything for you, and you don’t even notice!”
“They don’t accept or respect what I want or who I am, but sure, they’d do anything for me.”
“Jesus, Jase, they’re worried about you! You’re just not listening.”
“That’s total bullshit. Dad just wants to get his way, but I’m not Sam!” I shout. I lose control. The pain that I thought I’d buried is coming back up to the surface, and my heart clenches. Suddenly, everything hurts.
“No, you’re not Sam,” Lia says calmly. It’s clear what she’s thinking. It would make everything easier if you were.
“Fuck off,” I say flatly.
She crosses her arms over her chest, and her shoulders begin to shake. “None of this is any fun for me either, you know. I just want us to be a family again, so get it together and take the money.” She grabs her handbag and leaves the café before I can answer.
I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway.