Chapter 27
Jase
I always envied your relationship with Caleb. Lia and I never got along. I think she hates me, and I think I hate her too. Sometimes. Or always. I’m not sure anymore. And I hate that even more.
—Jase
I hate that Lia is putting me in this position.
I don’t want her damn money, but I need it.
There’s no way to sugarcoat it: If I don’t take it, I’m screwed.
But if I do take it, I am too. I can’t just crawl back to my parents and pretend to be part of a happy family.
I wouldn’t do that for all the money in the world.
As I return to the dorm, I feel numb. Empty. Exhausted. But I can feel the anger, disappointment, and frustration poised to take over. Waiting for the right moment to pounce on me when I lose control again.
That moment comes too soon, just as I unlock my door and hear another door opening as someone comes into the hallway. I can tell it’s Zoe without even looking. My shoulders tense before she says a word.
“Jase, can we talk?”
No, we can’t. If I talk more right now, I’ll say things that I’ll regret later.
I ignore her, open my door, and am about to slam it behind me, but Zoe is faster.
She blocks the door and slips into my room before I can stop her.
And now I can’t avoid looking at her. The first things I notice are the dark circles under her eyes.
She slept badly, just like me. Then I see sparks of anger in her eyes.
“Are you serious? You’re just going to ignore me? After that kiss? After everything you said?” She comes closer, and there it is again, her damn lavender scent. I don’t want to breathe it in. I don’t want to breathe her in, but I do anyway. I try to resist, but I can’t help it.
“You ignored me for a year after we kissed the first time. After you told me things that you shouldn’t have if you weren’t serious. So deal with it.”
She flinches and goes pale. My stupid heart reacts with reproachful hammering against my ribs, but I couldn’t care less now.
The wall is shattered, and there’s nothing but the abyss.
I was wrong: I didn’t fall. I threw myself over the edge intentionally.
I’m so furious that it feels like I’m being torn apart from the inside.
Blood rushes in my ears, and my hands are shaking so violently that I have to clench them into fists so she can’t see.
But that’s unnecessary. Of course she looks at my hands and notices. She sees everything.
“Jase . . .” she says. I know what she wants to say. That she’s sorry. But I’m not interested in her apology. She can’t give me back what I lost.
“What did you expect, Zoe?” I snap.
She reaches out her hand, and I want to take it, to feel her skin on mine, and that makes me even angrier. At myself.
“I wasn’t expecting anything. I want to talk to you,” she says. Her voice is gentle and soft, and I never want to hear anything else. At the same time, every cell of my body is fighting against hearing what she has to say. “About the kiss. What that means. You just left yesterday, and—”
“You just left too!” I say sharply, interrupting her.
“After our last kiss! You ran away and were supposed to come to the treehouse later, but you never showed up. Do you remember?” I can’t stop myself, even though I don’t want to talk about it.
I can’t hold the words back. “I still wonder how I could have been so stupid. How could I have believed for even a second that the worst day of my life might not turn out to be so terrible because you wanted to kiss me?”
“What do you mean?” Zoe asks softly. I can hear the worry and alarm in her voice. She’s not angry, and I can’t deal with that. I want her to be angry. I want to hurt her like she hurt me. But the look in her hazel eyes is so concerned that I can’t do it.
I laugh, back away with my arms outstretched until I bump backward into the windowsill, and then I tell her the truth. I do it because I’ve always told her the truth, and because it’s too late to go back now anyway.
“My parents kicked me out that day. First they didn’t come to my graduation, and then they kicked me out because I didn’t want to go to Harvard. Dad refused to pay for my ridiculous dance education.” I almost choke on the words as my chest tightens more.
“No,” she breathes, shaking her head as if she can’t believe it.
“When you left me that fucking note in the treehouse, I had hope for one stupid moment. And then you disappeared after that kiss and wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
Caleb ignored me too, because apparently, I’m not good enough for his little sister.
And then I was fucking homeless! I had absolutely nothing!
” I shout. My voice breaks with fury. “I had nothing. I had no one to talk to or ask for help. Do you know how often I tried to reach you? I needed help because my father threw me out, and there was no one in my life who could help me. I was alone, and I lost everything in one day. My best friend, my home, and . . . you.” I fall silent, breathing hard. My eyes are burning.
Fuck, no. I’m not going to start crying now. No way. But the tears won’t stop, and the pain is unbearable. Everything hurts, and I want it to stop, but I’m not strong enough. I reach the bottom of the abyss and shatter into a thousand pieces.