Chapter 46
Zoe
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to be happy again. How can it be possible, after everything I’ve been through?
—Zoe
Dancers’ bodies are pure miracles. We’re perceived as delicate, fine, and fragile, but very few people know how much strength is hidden in our slender muscles.
Most people don’t understand how we can bring our bodies to their limits.
They don’t understand the forces that impact our knees and ankles when we land hard on the ground after a leap, how we make our bodies perform the most unnatural movements, flexing almost to the point of impossibility.
Dancing isn’t just beauty, aesthetics, and art.
Dancing is pain, abused feet, and inflamed muscles.
It hurts. The audience can’t see any of that.
They see courage and grace, movements that are inconceivable, dancers smiling through the pain because they’re doing what they love.
It’s what makes us special. What we do best.
Dancing is all of this. Beauty, pain, and burning passion. Sometimes it’s bitter disappointment and frustration. But there are also days when everything is right, when you have the right partner and trust yourself.
Today is one of those days.
I’m dancing. I’m dancing with Jase, and it’s almost perfect.
Every movement, every turn, every lift. His hands on my body, on my waist, my hands, my legs.
He’s holding me, and I feel safe. Safe and free at the same time.
My heart hammers against my ribs, and every muscle is as tense as it can be.
It’s exhausting in the best possible way.
I’m close to my limits, but this time they feel different.
They’re limits I can exceed. I go deeper in back bends and stretch my legs higher.
I ignore the pulling in my muscles and the painful throbbing in my feet.
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I hardly recognize myself. I am radiant, and I feel beautiful.
For the first time in months, my body isn’t working against me. We’re in harmony again. I’m in control.
“Excellent, Zoe,” Francesca says. She nods appreciatively as Jase and I finally pause, breathing heavily. She smiles at me, a hint of pride glinting in her eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile before. “Keep up the good work.”
My face glows with exertion and self-consciousness. My skin is covered with a thin film of sweat. I nod and manage to thank her.
“Jessica and Theo, you’re next.” Francesca beckons them toward the middle of the room while Jase and I retreat to the edge, hand in hand.
It’s a bit crazy how fast I’ve gotten used to holding his hand. Talking to him. Just being with him. Some days it feels as though we’ve never done anything else.
It’s been almost two weeks since Victoria Winslow came to his door. Two weeks during which his parents haven’t reached out to him at all. It still hurts when I think about how his parents have treated him. It’s just not right.
But in these two weeks, Jase and I have spent every night together. He sleeps in my room, and I sleep in his. We wake up every morning together. Sometimes I wonder how I can suddenly be so happy.
It’s strange, isn’t it?
Two months ago, everything was different. Jase and I. Our dancing.
How could everything change so fast for the better?
“Stop brooding,” Jase whispers, pulling me over toward Mae and Skye.
“I’m not brooding.”
“Yes, you are. I can see it. When you’re thinking too much, you always raise your eyebrow a little bit.”
“Really?” Now I exaggerate it, and Jase smiles.
I love his smile. But since the party, there’s always been something sad in it.
Maybe it was there before, and I just didn’t notice because he never showed me the extent of his sadness.
Now it’s different. I want to chase away the sadness. I’m just not sure if I’ll be able to.
“Yes,” he replies. He kisses my temple, and Skye makes a gagging sound.
“You’re disgusting,” she says, but there’s a wistful undertone to her voice. And a slight bitterness.
“No, they’re not,” Mae says and nudges me, grinning. “They’re just in love.”
“Seems like everyone’s in love at the moment.” Skye grimaces, and again, I get the feeling there’s more to her words than she’s letting on. We’ve spent more time together in the last two weeks. I like her, and I can understand why Jase is friends with her.
“You’ll fall in love too,” Mae says, trying to cheer her up. But Skye shakes her head with a shudder.
“No need, thanks!”
“But—”
“Hush!” Francesca says, interrupting Mae and looking at us disapprovingly.
A guilty expression crosses Mae’s face as she mouths an apology.
We silently watch Jessica and Theo, and then it’s Mae and Ches’s turn. Each couple performs the choreography that Francesca showed us at the beginning of class.
While I’m watching Mae, I start to get a prickling sensation at the back of my neck.
Someone’s staring at me. I know who it is by instinct, and my hunch is confirmed when I turn to see Charlotte standing next to Devon on the other side of the room.
She seems angry, probably because she heard Francesca compliment me.
I return her gaze with more defiance than I actually feel, because I’m tired of her constantly making me feel insecure.
I’m tired of it only taking one look from her to make me question myself.
It can’t go on like this. Not if we’re going to be in the same classes together for the next four years.
Part of me wants to talk to her properly. To find some kind of closure. But I don’t think I’m quite that courageous yet.
* * *
“Why do you always look up at the balcony when we’re in the theater?” Mae asks curiously.
I blush, feeling caught out. “What do you mean?” I ask innocently. But my glowing red face gives me away. It’s Saturday, and we’re helping the set designers assemble part of the set so they can check if everything fits so far or if any changes need to be made.
Mae points to the upper tiers. “A bunch of empty seats really aren’t that exciting.”
She’s right. But whenever I’m in the theater, I think about how Jase and I kissed on the stage and what we did in the balcony. And then I get lost in daydreams and—
“See? You’re doing it again!” She laughs. “So what were you two doing up there, huh?”
“You don’t want to know.” Jase’s voice makes us both jump. He’s standing behind us with a cheeky grin on his face, but his eyes are gleaming. “You’ll just be jealous.”
Mae groans theatrically and takes me by the wrist. “Please, make me jealous!”
“I don’t think that would be—” I stop as I see someone walking toward us. It’s a blond girl with familiar features and green eyes. Lia.
She stops directly in front of us. Her eyes dart briefly to Mae and me before coming to rest on her brother.
“Can we talk?”
I hold my breath involuntarily, and I can see Jase tense.
For a moment, I’m sure he’s going to send her away, just like he did with his mom.
But he gives me a brief look with an unspoken question.
I nod almost imperceptibly. He won’t admit it, and maybe he doesn’t even know it, but I think he needs his sister.
Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself of that because I find it so sad that the two of them are such strangers to each other.
We’ve talked about his parents in the last few weeks, and about Sam, but never about Lia.
There’s something going on between them that I don’t understand, but I don’t want to push Jase to talk about it. I only want him to do it if and when he’s ready.
As he turns to face Lia, his face goes blank. “Okay. Let’s go outside.”
Lia’s eyes widen in surprise, like she didn’t expect Jase to comply so quickly.
But she regains her composure quickly, her face just as expressionless as his.
It’s crazy how alike they are. They’re mirrors for each other, and sometimes I wonder if that’s why it’s so difficult for them to deal with each other.
Jase said he finds it hard to look in the mirror because he always sees Sam. Maybe Lia has the same problem.
I stroke the back of Jase’s hand as he walks past me. He swallows, then follows his sister. I watch them go with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
“Don’t worry, Zoe,” Mae says. “Whatever it is they have to talk about, they’re not going to rip each other’s heads off.”
“I know.”
But I’m still worried, because I’m not totally sure she’s right.