Layla – Present #2
I sit beside Warren, and Jacob sits down next to me. I notice Warren is still wearing his wedding ring. He looks at me, touches his ring, then looks at the band on my own finger.
“I was married,” he says, more to himself, like the ring reminded him. “You are too.” He points to both me and Jacob. I go to correct him, but he continues.
“You look happy together. I think I was happy too. This old thing doesn’t work the way it used to.” He taps his head. “I remember my first love, though.” He chuckles.
I look toward the house to see if Mabel is coming back. I’m not sure she’d want to hear this.
“What was she like?” Jacob leans forward, and I glance at him.
“She was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I was young, a teenager, maybe early twenties, and she came to church one evening, and that was it. I knew as soon as I saw her I would marry her.”
He stops himself. “I’m not sure why we didn’t get married.”
He looks a little pained, and I feel like we’re imposing too much on his life.
“You did marry her,” Mabel interrupts.
“I did?”
“Yes, dear.”
He doesn’t catch Mabel’s words the way she wants him too, but she seems a little more herself knowing that he does at least remember parts of them.
Losing Ben suddenly has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. Seeing Mabel and Warren, she’s losing him a little piece at a time, and I can’t imagine the pain of having the person you love be here, yet not at the same time.
I’m not sure what’s worse, them being gone, or them being here but in a way that means you can’t love them how you want to.
You can’t share the joy of the memories together because it’s too distressing.
You can’t kiss them, can’t hold them. You have to love them from a distance.
Sharing a lifetime with someone, then watching all the things you loved about them slowly disappear, that must be a completely different kind of torture.
Jacob’s knee knocks into mine.
“You okay?” he mouths.
I nod.
He tilts his head, his eyes looking deeper into mine.
“Should we cut the cake?” Mabel sounds excited.
“Yes,” Warren says, equally enthusiastic.
I follow Mabel inside and help her put the candles in the cake. She laughs at the amount, we couldn’t quite fit eighty-two, but we covered the entire cake with as many as we could.
“Thank you for doing this, dear.” She touches my arm, then starts singing as she carries the cake to her husband.
Warren’s smile stretches wide as he blows out the many candles, and we clap. He cuts the cake, looking a little unsteady with such a large knife. He only cuts one slice for himself, and that makes me laugh, he has it eaten before any more slices are served.
Mabel rolls her eyes at him.
Jacob takes a slice and stands next to me. He takes a bite and closes his eyes as he chews.
“Well?” I ask.
He nods, still chewing. “So good, Layla.” He goes in for another bite.
I cross my arms. “Best in the world good, or…?”
He laughs, shakes his head, then smirks.
I look out toward the fields and see Mabel walking down near the edge of a white painted fence marking the boundary. A few deck chairs are sitting by it, and she takes a seat.
I leave Jacob and walk over to her.
“You don’t have to keep me company, dear.” Her voice sounds sad.
I don’t want to leave her alone.
She exhales. “Birthdays are bittersweet when you get to be as old as we are.”
“Warren is really nice,” I tell her.
“Yes. He is.” She smiles.
I glance back toward the house and see Jacob playing chess with Warren. They’re laughing, and my heart does that little fluttery thing it’s been doing more of lately.
“You like him.” She leans in.
“Of course I do. We’re friends.”
She raises her eyebrows and lowers her chin.
“My friend Amie is getting married in May, and she wants me to invite him to the wedding.”
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because there’s so much history with Jacob.”
“Why is that a bad thing?”
I shake my head. “It’s complicated.”
“Layla, dear, there are many things in life that are complicated. Loving someone is not one of them.”
I stay silent.
“You’re afraid,” she says. “I can see it all over your face.”
“Ben’s only been gone for a little over a year. Wouldn’t I be betraying him?”
“I don’t think inviting Jacob to your friend’s wedding is betraying him. I also don’t think allowing yourself to admit how you feel is betraying him. Heck, even if you marched over there right now and kissed him, you still wouldn’t be betraying him.”
I lean my head back against the chair and look at Jacob.
“When I met Warren, I was the same age you were when you met Jacob. I know I haven’t had the complications you two have, but we’ve had our struggles.
No relationship is without them, trust me.
Sometimes life takes us on these journeys, and they can be dark, and painful, and then there’s a light and a comfort.
And maybe that’s found back at the beginning, or maybe it’s found by moving forward.
Jacob is a nice young man, and I know he cares for you.
If you are lucky to feel that way about two men during your lifetime, take that as a blessing.
Don’t fight it. Allow yourself to feel it, dear.
Because even though I miss the Warren I fell in love with, I still have him, And I got to feel all of those beautiful things with him.
You still deserve that, and so does Jacob. ”
“Jacob deserves someone who can give him their whole heart.” I pause, “He’s too good for the mess of mine.”
“I think the only person who can decide that is Jacob.” She pats my knee and stands. “But I will tell you this, I have only ever regretted the chances I didn’t take. I’ve never once regretted taking them.”
***
After we say our goodbyes to Mabel and Warren, and a few other residents, we walk to Jacob’s truck together. His arm keeps brushing off mine too many times to be coincidental, and I like how it feels when he touches me.
I turn up the music is his truck, and we don’t talk much until he pulls up to the curb outside my house.
“I’ll see you Friday, at Mabel’s?”
I don’t know why the question makes me feel sad, but it does. I don’t want to wait an entire week to see him again. I nod anyway and unhook my belt.
“Thanks for giving me a ride.”
The corner of his lip twitches, and he nods.
I open the door, about to get out, and then I turn around and face him.
“Do you know Amie and Parker are getting married in May?”
His eyes narrow. “Yeah.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Do you want to go?”
“To Amie and Parker’s wedding?”
I nod.
When he doesn’t immediately answer, I start to panic.
“It’s three days in the Bahamas. There’s a lot of guests, and I don’t really know many of them.
Amie said I should invite you. You don’t have to go, I mean, if you’re busy, or you don’t want to, it’s no big deal.
I just thought that maybe you might want to g–”
“Layla.” He laughs. “Breathe.”
He smiles at me. “I’ll go.”
I try to hide how happy I am that he said yes, but I can’t contain my smile.
Maybe Mabel is right.
Maybe it’s not that hard to take the chances.
Maybe it’s harder to not take them at all.