Chapter 31
Grace
I walked up the steps to the apartment, dreading going inside. This feeling, this wish that I didn’t have to go in was new. Ever since Michael had rejected my offer of sex the week before, things had changed between us. We hadn’t been entirely comfortable with each other before that, but we’d been getting there. We’d had a rhythm, a routine we’d settled into. A cadence that belonged just to the two of us.
Every day I’d felt a little more connected to Michael, a little more like we were in sync. And then I’d carelessly blown it all up by offering sex. I’d thought it would repay Michael for some of the sacrifices he was making for me but instead it had broken us. Where our interactions had been easy and friendly they were now strained and awkward. We were both trying to pretend things were fine, but it was obvious they weren’t. I felt terrible for what I’d done to us, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
I thought back to our interaction that morning.
I’d walked into the kitchen, ready to fix some breakfast as usual, to find Michael standing at the counter, dressed for a workout, sipping coffee as he looked at his phone.
“Good morning.”
He’d glanced up at my greeting. “Hey.” He’d nodded in the direction of the coffeemaker then went back to his phone. “Coffee’s ready if you want some.”
“Thanks.” I’d opened the fridge, thinking, not really seeing the contents, then closed it again and turned back to Michael. “Have you had breakfast?”
“I had a protein shake,” he’d responded as he crossed to the sink to rinse out his now-empty coffee mug.
A protein shake? That was new. In all the time I’d lived with him, he’d had eggs and fruit or something similar for breakfast, just like me.
And most days, we’d eaten together. But not today, apparently.
My silence must have asked a question because Michael had continued. “I’m meeting Ry at the gym this morning, so I just wanted something quick.”
“Okay.” I’d gone for nonchalant and thought I got reasonably close.
What could I say? I demand you sit and have breakfast and talk to me like you used to? My heart had squeezed at the thought that that simple thing – the way we’d started most of our days together – could be in the past. I’d taken it for granted but it hurt now that it was gone.
“You going to Mercy’s today?”
I’d shaken myself out of my thoughts to respond. “Yes. She’s picking me up in about an hour.”
I’d been cleared to drive but I still wasn’t venturing out alone, so Mercy had offered to pick me up. I was working with her at her apartment a few days this week to give both Michael and me space, but I wasn’t sure if it was making things better or worse.
Okay, you’ll be gone then by the time I get back.” Why did it feel like that might be part of the plan? Michael’s bland expression had given nothing away. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“See you.” I’d turned back to the fridge just for something to do as he left the kitchen.
When I’d heard the apartment door close, I’d closed the fridge again and headed for the shower, my appetite gone.
With the new distance between us it sucked even more that I really did want to be with Michael, not out of gratitude, but out of desire. The problem was, I had no idea what to do about it.
Michael said he wanted me, but let’s face it – men are generally interested in sex, period. I knew Michael cared about me and we were living together after all. I was there, he was there, we were married. Why not have sex if we both wanted it? What if that was all he’d meant? He’d tied himself to me and had promised not to be with anyone else while we were together. Michael took promises seriously, so of course he wanted sex with me. I was his only option right then.
No closer to figuring out how to fix things with my husband I pushed through the front door into the apartment. I set my keys on the little table by the door then stood still, listening.
From the direction of his bedroom, I heard Michael’s deep rumble. It sounded like he was on the phone with someone.
I was debating what to do – Go to my room to change? Sit on the couch and wait for Michael to appear? – when Michael strolled out into the living room.
He stopped short when he saw me, then started toward me again stopping a few feet away. “Hey.”
“Hey, yourself.” I smiled at him, determined not to let the awkwardness get to me. “How was your day?”
“It was okay.” He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans, glancing away before he looked at me again. “How are you feeling?”
How was I feeling?
What?
Just act natural, Grace. Like this isn’t weird at all. He’s trying.
“I feel good. Mercy and I got a lot done today. Why do you ask?”
He cleared his throat and shifted his weight. Was he nervous?
“I just got off the phone with Jamey. The sponsor event for that new Autumn Fest Weekend thing is tonight. Brothers Pub is sponsoring the beer and wine gardens.”
“Okay.” It wasn’t much of a response, but I wasn’t sure what else to say.
The Autumn Fest Weekend “thing” was a new event being put on by the local chamber of commerce. There were going to be rides, games, vendors, food trucks – you name it – during the day, with the added attraction of local bands and a fireworks show each night. It sounded fun, but I had no idea why Michael and I were talking about it.
He cleared his throat again. “He and Meg were supposed to go but Meg is down for the count with that flu bug that’s going around, and Kendrick and Jo are out of town. He wanted to know if we’d be interested.”
His expression gave me zero indication if he wanted to go or not. Then again, he was telling me about it. He could have just told Jamey no and left it at that.
I lobbed the ball firmly into his court. “What do you think? Are we interested?”
Michael shrugged and lobbed the ball back. “It sounds like they’re really doing it up for the sponsors. And we wouldn’t need to dress up or anything. It’s up to you.”
I tilted my head, thinking.
Michael added, “It’ll be cold tonight but they’re supposed to have tents so it shouldn’t be too bad. Whatever you want to do.”
What I didn’t want to do was spend one more uncomfortable evening in the apartment with Michael, each of us carefully orbiting around the other.
He could have told Jamey no. He hadn’t.
Maybe this was the chance we needed. A chance to get out of the apartment, spend a few hours together doing something fun, and get out of our own heads.
“I think we should go.”
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T HREE HOURS LATER, I cupped a boozy hot chocolate in my gloved hands as Michael and I rose up and over the top on the enormous Ferris wheel. The frigid breeze near the top blew my hair into my face – again – and I laughed as Michael dutifully tucked it back – again.
His amused gaze traveled over my hair, making me wonder how big of a mess it was. We were pressed close together, not a millimeter of space between us, Michael’s arm stretched behind me, and we still just barely fit in the seat.
Michael didn’t seem to mind and neither did I.
“Is it bad?”
“It’s cute,” he answered, breaking into a grin. “Just a little...uh, windblown.”
Oh lord. I closed my eyes and shook my head. No doubt I’d shriek when I saw myself in a mirror.
As we dipped through the bottom part of the circle, Michael reached over, smoothed my hair into a low ponytail with both hands, then held it securely in the hand he’d rested on my far shoulder.
“Maybe this will help. I should have thought of it before. You okay with it?”
With him stroking his big, warm hands over my hair? Or with him holding it, gripping it in his hand, not tight or painful, just secure, like he might if I was...
I took a quick breath as I slammed on my mental brakes. I nodded, avoiding Michael’s eyes so he wouldn’t see the rated-R detour my mind had just taken.
We completed two more rotations without incident. Michael held my hand as we exited our seat and made our way down the steep steps, then much to my disappointment let it go when we reached secure ground.
I tossed my empty cup in a nearby trash can then turned back to Michael, running one hand over my head.
“Okay, be honest. How bad is it?”
Michael gently edged my hand away and fixed whatever I’d displaced. “It isn’t. Bad, I mean. You look great.”
He pushed his hands in his jacket pockets as he had most of the evening and looked around at the various tents, rides, games, and outdoor areas lined with lights.
“What do you want to do next?”
Go back on the Ferris wheel so I can be snuggled up next to with your hand in my hair? How would he respond if I said that?
I didn’t have the courage to find out.
“Well...” I let my eyes take the same path that Michael’s had. “We visited the sponsor lounge and the beer and wine gardens, we walked through the vendor tents, rode the Ferris wheel, and went down the alpine slide, which I still haven’t forgiven you for, by the way.”
Michael chuckled at the look I gave him. “You loved it, admit it.”
When I’d seen the ride’s name, I’d thought it was, well, a slide, as in a sloping hill-like structure that you slide down on your butt.
It wasn’t.
It was a steep descent on a narrow path which you careened down on a wheeled cart with dicey steering and very questionable brakes. I’d sat in front of Michael, his legs on either side of me, gripping his strong thighs and praying with everything I had that we made it down alive.
So, it had been a tiny bit exhilarating. And the feel of Michael’s muscular body surrounding me hadn’t sucked.
“I survived it,” I finally shot back at Michael, sounding less than convincing even to myself.
He chuckled again and I couldn’t help but smile back at him.
“We might want to head over to the fireworks viewing area. I’m sure we can see them fine from anywhere, but Jamey mentioned there’s a VIP area we have access to.”
We headed that way, making our way around the edge of the large man-made lake adjacent to the event grounds. When we reached the VIP area, we realized that the fireworks show would take place right over the lake.
VIPs had access to a roped off section right at the front of the viewing area. It was a little more than half full when Michael and I arrived, people standing in couples or groups, some sipping their beverage of choice, talking and laughing while waiting for the fireworks to start.
Determined not to let things get uncomfortable with Michael after the nice evening we’d had, I curled my hands into my sleeves against a sudden cold gust and turned to him.
“Thanks for bringing me. This has been fun.”
Michael didn’t seem to notice the cold. I wore several layers, flannel-lined jeans, thick socks with my boots, and gloves, and his jacket wasn’t even zipped all the way up.
“It has been,” Michael agreed. “I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I think people are going to like it.”
“I think they are, too.” Another gust of wind hit me, and I shivered. “I hope the weather stays decent.”
Kentucky weather was unpredictable in the fall, or any season, really. It could be beautiful and sunny one day and gray and miserable the next.
Michael eyed me as I rubbed my hands together. “You want some coffee or hot chocolate? I’ll go find you some.”
“No, I’ll be okay. It’s starting to get crowded. I don’t want you to have to mess with it.” The VIP area had nearly filled up in just the few minutes Michael and I had been there. “It shouldn’t be long before the fireworks start. Thanks, though.”
Michael looked over the crowd surrounding us and nodded. He moved a little closer, and we stood quietly, watching the faint ripple of waves across the dark surface of the lake. I shivered again and heard Michael’s voice in my ear.
“Come here.”
As I turned toward him, he unzipped his jacket and drew me into him. Momentarily stunned, I held myself stiffly, my arms curled between us resting against his chest. Then the heat of his body seeped into me, his arms came around me, and I relaxed.
I closed the space between us, circling my arms around Michael’s waist and resting my head on his shoulder. He exhaled a long breath as he tightened his arms around me, holding me close as his delicious warmth surrounded me.
“Better?”
I closed my eyes and nodded faintly. “So much better.”
“Good.” Michael pressed a soft kiss to my temple and rested his head against mine.
The crowd, the cold, everything around us faded away.
This was my spot, my perfect, happy place. If I had one wish it would be to stay right here forever.