Chapter 13 #2
‘Birdie is allergic or anti-animals, we’re not sure. Anyway, we need to keep Louis a secret until after the wedding. Otherwise, you guys were right, we’ll totally get kicked out of the house.’
‘But Birdie’s miles away. She’ll never know.’
‘Birdie is back. She’s been spotted.’
‘Back as in back here at the chateau?’
‘Yep.’
‘What in the low-hanging bollocking bollocks for? Why?’
‘Who knows? Matteo has messaged her to ask if she’s come back home but he’s still waiting for a reply.’
‘We’d better be super careful hiding Louis. Fingers crossed she just forgot her passport or something and that’s why she popped back,’ says Ged. ‘And hopefully, she won’t notice the missing vase.’
‘I hope so,’ says Liam. ‘Then we can go ahead with him being our pageboy at the wedding. He’d look so cute with a little cushion strapped to his back.
Oh my God!’ he shrieks quietly. ‘We can fasten the rings to his dickie bow tie, so they dangle from his cute little neck when he walks down the aisle!’
I watch Ged and Liam collapse into a plethora of oohs and aahs and ‘what if we can get him some little shoes to wear’.
I clear my throat. ‘Promise me you won’t get your hopes up, just in case she’s back for the whole of Christmas?’
They make a series of a non-committal gestures.
‘Please, you guys. Just focus on keeping Louis hidden. Don’t take any unnecessary risks. Now, we’re all meeting downstairs in five minutes. You coming?’
They leap into action. ‘At least we know he definitely doesn’t belong to anybody in the chateau or they’d have come looking,’ Ged says firmly, checking his phone. ‘I’ve found a place in Nice that specialises in doggy wear and a veterinary clinic. So, let’s get him straight to the vets.’
‘Connie, hun. Do you think you could steal a baby blanket from Cherry’s room? And a baby bottle, if Peaches has one. And a couple of nappies, please?’
A godmother’s work is never done. Steal this. Steal that. Two minutes later, I’m knocking on Cherry’s door. It sounds like bedlam inside.
‘I know we’re friggin’ late! We’re coming!’ She answers the door, all flustered.
I step back.
Cherry wilts. ‘Sorry, Connie. Come in. I didn’t mean to yell, but Clem’s just spilled her blackcurrant juice all over the bed.
’ She points to a vibrant crimson stain covering the pristine white cotton duvet cover and Clementine standing next to it with tears pooling in her eyes.
‘Peaches has lost her dummy again and hasn’t stopped wailing.
Dom has just stood in a sausage roll even though I told him to watch out for it and now he’s treading it into the friggin’ carpet! ’
I survey the scene. Two frazzled parents. Two frazzled children.
‘Okay. Leave it to me. Cherry, take Dom and the kids downstairs. I’ll clean this lot up and look for the dummy while I’m at it. I’ll see you down there in ten minutes max. Don’t leave without me.’
Cherry inhales sharply, her eyes filling with tears at the offer.
She swallows them down, nodding jerkily, unable to speak as she gathers up her family and they trot out the door.
I practically ransack the room in search of a baby blanket and some nappies, text Ged to come and pick them up, then strip the bed and pick up the sausage roll.
‘What happened here? It’s a bloodbath,’ he says when he appears, horrified.
‘Children. That’s what happened here. You better get used to it.’ I snigger. ‘Now that you’re a family man.’
Ged can’t help grinning from ear to ear.
‘I know it sounds daft but what with the wedding and finding Louis, I just feel so… so complete. I’ve never felt so at peace, you know?
’ His voice cracks. ‘For the first time in ages, I feel like I know what I want from life and this is it. I’m exactly where I need to be.
No doubts, no second-guessing myself. I’m 100 per cent sure. ’
‘I’m so happy for you.’ I fling my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. ‘I’m also going to cry if you keep on, so go… and don’t forget to give me Peaches’ dummy back.’
Ged scurries away, blanket, empty milk bottle and nappies in hand.
Finally, I race down the stairs to the kitchen, hoping to run into the butler who greeted us on the first day and has occasionally popped his head into the dining room, swept his gaze around the chaos and disappeared just as quickly.
I literally bump straight into him, causing him to stagger backwards.
‘Sorry,’ I say, slightly out of breath. ‘I thought you might like these. They’re from Cherry’s room. The baby spilt her juice and there’s a stain on the carpet.’ I quickly hand over the bedding.
His nostrils flare as though I’ve handed him a dead rat. He gives me a curt nod. I can’t really blame him. I race into the bar to see everyone jostling at the counter, filling up champagne flutes with yet more sparkling wine.
‘Quick, hurry, Connie. I’m doing another live for Lovington.’ Tash shoves a glass at me. ‘Now, how’re you enjoying your first taste of Lovington as a married woman?’ Her lips are spread wide into a fake smile as she bats her lashes for the camera before thrusting it in my face.
‘Oh, erm, it’s lovely.’ I take a sip. ‘It’s just like getting married, sparkling and fun.’
She swings the phone camera back to herself.
‘See? What did I tell you? Here at Chateau Beaumont in the south of France somewhere, Lovington is perfect for every single occasion.’ She snaps the phone around again, pointing at Liam.
‘Get over here, lover boy, and tell us what it feels like to be getting married here in this posh place surrounded by your fabulous friends and all this fabulous Lovington.’
Liam looks caught in the headlights. He very carefully unpeels his rucksack and gently passes it to Ged, who handles it with great care.
‘What you got in there, hun? The crown bloody jewels?’ Tash successfully draws everyone’s attention to the bag. We watch it move.
‘Fuck me,’ gasps Tash. ‘There’s something in there!’
‘No there isn’t!’ Ged shouts, putting his arms around it, eager to protect it.
‘It’s the ghost!’ yells Liberty, laughing. ‘I told you so.’
‘What is it?’ asks Sister Kevin, snapping into Call of Duty gaming mode. ‘Put it down. I’ll stamp on it. It might be a snake or a wild… What wild animals do they have here?’
‘Squirrels?’ Big Sue offers, clearly finding it amusing.
‘It’s nothing!’ Ged says, hugging it tight so that Sister Kevin can’t put his size twelves on it. ‘And can you stop filming please, Tash?’
Tash lifts a vape to her lips. The camera stays trained on him. ‘Not until you show our followers what’s in the bag. Could be anything.’
‘Yes. I would like to know what’s in the bag too,’ says a chilling voice.
There’s an audible gasp as we all swing our gaze to the doorway where Birdie is lounging against the door frame, coral-pink hair draped over her shoulders and cascading down her back.
She’s wearing a skimpy vest top with no bra (how very French), tight jeans that are more like support stockings and six-inch stilettoes.
In other words, she looks extremely cool.
She limps prettily towards us, stopping a short distance away. None of us dares ask what that’s about.
‘By the way,’ she says firmly to Tash, ‘we do not allow filming on the premises, except for the wedding, and I hope you are not also promoting a product in my house without prior permission. Did I hear you say Lovington?’
Tash immediately whips her phone down to her side and shakes her head.
‘Good. Because we exclusively push Chateau Beaumont wines and champagnes. The family won’t tolerate any other brands, especially…
’ She pauses as though the next phrase will physically hurt.
‘Lovington. This is what happened the last time a guest brought a bottle into the house.’ She points to a crack in the wall.
‘I hope for your sake you haven’t or you will be evicted immediately and sued into the ground.
Our feud with the Lovington family has been going on for generations. ’
I gulp. We need to hide those crates pronto.
Birdie screws her eyes at Tash and Sister Kevin.
‘No vaping allowed.’ She casts her gaze to Cherry, who has stepped in front of the girls.
‘No children either.’ She sweeps her gaze back to Ged and violently sneezes three times on the trot.
‘And there had better not be a pet in that bag.’ Birdie puts a hand to her skinny hip and waits for one of us to say something.
We have broken every single one of the house rules and we’ve barely been here five minutes.
My eyes search for Matteo in the maelstrom. What a shitshow. His jaw is clenched as he tugs at his neckline. I can see she really gets under his skin.
‘Matteo, honey,’ she says in a faux-sincere, steely voice.
The sort you’d expect a psychotic stalker to use.
‘Can I see you in private?’ It’s more of an order than a question and it pains me to see Matteo walk out of the room, linking her arm as she leans against him complaining about her sprained ankle.