Chapter Six #2
She almost went to refute her offer as soon as she’d made it. He had access to the London flat and the Norfolk beach cottage, which was his. He hardly needed to squash in her spare room.
‘Thanks, Cass. I’d like that. It would be good to spend more time with Isla and Rory. And Pippa’s asked me to stay with them.’
‘And will you?’
‘Probably. I quite like the idea of becoming a country gent.’
They shared a grin, and she was thinking how he was such easy and familiar company.
There was a simplicity to their being together that didn’t always need words.
They’d sometimes squabbled as children, but he’d always been there for her.
Her parents’ marriage had been notorious, and her father had often been in the press.
Cassie had never forgotten the day when a creepy photographer had followed her from home in search of more scandal.
Raf had spotted him, came roaring across the street and tipped the bloke into a hedge.
It was only some very fast talking by Jonny and a solicitor that had kept him out of serious trouble.
Even during those later teenage years, she’d been aware of Raf’s girlfriends coming and going, the abundance of natural charm he’d possessed from an early age, so like Jonny’s.
But before then he had been chronically shy, and speech therapy had followed counselling.
He’d gradually overcome a stammer by adopting a version of himself, a character everyone expected from a boy who looked as he did, with a rock star for a father.
Cassie understood it was a means of hiding Raf’s true self, a man who kept the grief of losing his mum so young close to his heart, and one who didn’t often let strangers in.
It had carried him through years of modelling and a decade of drumming for a world-famous band, and kept some of the adulation which came with it at bay.
On stage he was confident and exuberant, wild at times, and the fans, new and old, adored him.
A self-taught musician, he was desperate not to be seen as riding on the coattails of his dad’s success, or that his place in the band was purely down to nepotism.
He spent time alone in Norfolk, finding the space to unwind and settle back into a more ordinary life, writing music he refused to share with anyone because he always said it wasn’t good enough.
And so those crazy thoughts she’d had about him in the pool this morning had no place here; he was her dear and trusted friend.
And more than that, he was Ewan’s friend.
‘I’d like to see more of my niece too, if Harriet can make time for her aged uncle.’
She laughed; he was very far from the picture those two words had painted.
Her nod was understanding; life was also like that for Isla and Rory.
They went from one activity to the next, and sometimes Cassie wondered if it was too much.
But those thoughts were soon followed by ones about having too much time to think, to dwell on their loss.
Christmas would arrive in little more than a month, and they would be spending it as usual in Galloway with Ewan’s parents.
‘Pippa would love having you in Hartfell. Not that I envisage you tramping around the Dales in walking boots and taking up bird watching.’
‘No?’ Raf eased out long legs and rolled his shoulders. He’d disappeared for a workout when they’d returned from their hike, maintaining the fitness he needed to perform. ‘Maybe I’ll surprise you.’
‘You always do.’ She stood up, suddenly restless, and put her glass on the table.
She crossed the deck to lean on the railings surrounding the pool, staring out over the ocean.
She’d swum while he’d been working out and had slipped a short cotton dress over her bikini, a gentle spring breeze warm on her skin.
The last rays of the sun glittered on the water, light bouncing from one to the other, and she let the beauty hold and soothe her.
‘What are you thinking?’ He joined her, resting his arms beside hers. Cassie caught sight of the flower tattoos representing the three children he loved, and something tugged at her heart.
‘Oh, just the usual,’ she replied lightly.
‘Wishing I could hold this moment still and keep us here forever. Not go back to London and all the messy life stuff. I suppose holidays always make us feel like this because we never want them to end.’ She paused.
‘But it’s not normal life and I know we have to go home. ’
‘We could come back, if you love it so much.’
‘That’s a wonderful thought, thank you,’ she said wistfully. ‘But right now I think I’d love anywhere that took me away from my own life for a bit. And it’s never the same when you go back. I’m not sure you can ever recapture the magic of seeing a place for the first time.’
Unbidden, tears came, as they often still did. She hid her face, not wanting Raf to think she was unhappy here, because it was the most like happiness she’d felt in months.
‘Hey, come here.’ His hands went to her shoulders to turn her, and he opened his arms. Cassie hesitated before stepping into his embrace. He was so familiar and kind, and in bare feet, the top of her head fit snugly under his chin.
‘Sorry.’ She sniffed, the press of the silver cross on his chest cool against her cheek.
‘Don’t be.’ His hands were smoothing a circle on her back. ‘There’s no timescale to tell you if you’ll ever stop missing him and when it’s supposed to get better. You’re doing so great, and the kids are incredible, a total credit to you both.’
‘Thank you. It’s lovely of you to say so.
’ She tipped her head back and the tears almost began again at the understanding in his gaze.
‘I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you do for us.
I don’t just mean this house and the tour, but being there for us.
Talking to Rory about missing his dad and helping him find a way through, taking him out on the bike.
I don’t think I could bear him riding it at all if it wasn’t with you.
Making us laugh, sharing stories and memories we’d forgotten, keeping Ewan present in our lives.
It means so much, especially when I know you love and miss him too. ’
‘I’ll always be there for you, Cass, no matter what. That’s a promise.’
‘What about when you finally meet someone you want to settle down with?’ She meant it teasingly, trying to imagine that time, and the difference it might make to Isla and Rory when he was no longer quite so available.
But she couldn’t hold him back and keep him close in her family forever.
What she and Ewan had shared, the life they had built together, had been solid and real, and she wanted the same for Raf.
But this time a different ending, a longer life.
So she would wish him well and cheer him on; there would be no other choice.
‘Because one day it will happen and the three of us can’t be tagging along like left luggage.’
‘Hey.’ He gripped her shoulders, his unwavering gaze fixed to hers. ‘I’ll always look out for you, and if anyone does come along, they’ll have to accept you’re part of my life.’
Her nod was a quick one. It occurred to her he hadn’t mentioned the children, and it was as though she was seeing him for the very first time.
How had she missed those golden flecks in his irises, perfectly framed by long, dark lashes.
Had his chest against hers always felt like this when he’d held her before, or her skin heated in quite the way it was doing now?
An impulsive rush of desire landed like a punch in her stomach, and she went to step back.
To free herself from his embrace and the way he was suddenly looking at her.
As though he, too, was seeing straight through to her innermost thoughts and the new longing her body was betraying in the pink cheeks and the catch in her breath.
His hands on her shoulders tightened almost imperceptibly, keeping her close as his gaze searched hers, and she gasped as she realised he felt it, too.
A moment and then another flew by as she fought to make herself walk away, free herself from this madness.
Then his hand dropped to the small of her back and Cassie was lost when Raf pulled her hard into him.
She tilted her head, poised, every single sense alive to his touch, his fingers splayed on her hot skin as she watched his eyes and then his mouth fall lower.
Their kiss should have felt strange, and it didn’t.
It was like coming home, and she was kissing him back just as fiercely.
Her lips parted beneath his as she gave herself up to the sensations he was igniting as his tongue continued the work his lips had begun.
Her hands found their way into his hair to hold him, her thin cotton dress as light a barrier as the T-shirt he wore.
One hand was on her face, the other still pressing her against every hard outline of his body.
She let go long enough to reach for his T-shirt, impatient to feel his bare skin against hers, to savour again the view she’d had this morning.
He helped her drag it over his head, and when his hands reached for her dress, about to slip the straps from her shoulders, she froze.
She leapt back in horror, her mind at odds with her body still clamouring for more.
Raf was staring at her with an intensity and a desire she’d never seen before, and he raked a hand through his hair.
She was desperate to look at anything other than him, to think of anything but how he had made her feel for those few brief moments.
‘Raf, this is crazy! We can’t,’ she blurted out. She spun around and gripped the railings with both hands to steady her trembling legs, pupils still wide with shock and desire. ‘I’m sorry, I have no idea what just happened. I can’t… Ewan… It’s not right.’
She let go and turned to the house. She needed to escape, indoors, into the night, home, it didn’t matter where as long as she could flee from Raf and what they had done. He scooped his T-shirt from the deck and gently caught her hand, stilling her.
‘Cassie, please, don’t go. I’m really sorry, I didn’t see that coming, I swear.’ His breathing was every bit as agitated as hers and she couldn’t look at him, couldn’t find his eyes and learn what was in them now. ‘But all day, I sensed it. There was something, and that felt… You were… incredible.’
‘Don’t say that!’ Cassie tugged her hand free, distraught at the thought of her children witnessing this, a cold horror dawning at her betrayal of their dad. ‘Forget it. It never happened.’
‘We have to sort this out,’ he said helplessly. ‘Where we go from here.’
At the door she faced him, still trembling, with lips swollen by their kiss, and skin pink and tender from his beard.
She ran her fingers across her mouth, as though she could swipe away the kiss along with her guilt.
She saw him watching and heat pooled in her body again, betraying her a second time in the scratch of her hollow voice.
‘There is nowhere for us to go,’ she whispered tearfully. ‘I should never have let it happen. It’s madness. You’re my friend, and my children need you. I can’t let anything get in the way of that. And you’re Ewan’s best friend. How do you think I feel about cheating on him with you?’
‘It’s not cheating,’ Raf said roughly, the T-shirt still dangling from one hand. ‘You’re not…’
‘Don’t say it.’ She flung an arm in the air, hand flat in front of him. ‘In my heart I’m still married, and that won’t ever change.’