Chapter Eight #2
When she headed downstairs, Rory had returned from his ride to the village and she learnt from Gordon he had gone out again, this time with Raf.
Isla appeared, revision finished for now, and the rest of the day vanished in a constant motion of shifting boxes, filling the skip and packing.
Later they all strolled down to the village for a fish-and-chip supper on the harbour.
Raf seemed distant and distracted, and Cassie longed for a return of the closeness they had shared last night, even while reminding herself more than that was impossible.
Fiona and Gordon were still trying their best to lift everyone else, their stoicism and strength unaltered by their ongoing grief.
If they could say goodbye to their beloved home and all the memories it contained, then so could Cassie.
It was people that were important, not buildings.
Her own memories wouldn’t be sealed behind the front door once the keys were handed over to new owners.
They still lived in the compact mid-terraced Victorian house she and Ewan had stretched themselves to buy when he’d qualified as a consultant.
London always felt frantic when Cassie returned after the expanse of sea and sky in Galloway, and the hay meadows and moorland fells around Hartfell, the roads heaving with traffic as she crawled through the city the following day.
The move had been draining for everyone, and after the farmhouse, a bungalow was going to take some getting used to.
The dogs had been baffled by the change in routine and the new environment they, too, would call home.
Even her own house looked different as she pulled up outside, as though it had somehow altered in the time she had been gone.
Rory had lapsed into silence, and Cassie knew he was missing Hartfell and Galloway, and Raf.
She and Raf had explained about his new house and the distillery to the children before they’d left Galloway.
Rory had pleaded to see the house before they came home, but she’d said no.
It was likely to be a temporary move, and although she hated disappointing him, she didn’t want him getting used Raf having a base in Hartfell and Rory thinking he could stay whenever he liked.
Friends again she and Raf might be, but she hadn’t forgotten Pippa’s hopes of encouraging a burgeoning connection with Allegra.
So the last thing Raf needed was a couple of teenagers hanging around. Or her.
Thank goodness for Jas, Cassie thought wearily, as the young woman opened the front door and dashed out to help.
It was like coming home to a ray of sunshine, and she was only too happy to catch up on Jas’s news and thank her for the lasagne she’d put in the oven.
Cassie wondered again how she would manage when Jas finally left.
After they’d eaten around the table – a rule she still insisted on – Isla and Rory disappeared to their rooms, and Jas went to meet her new girlfriend in town.
Cassie loaded the dishwasher, remembering how patient Ewan had been with Rory, helping him with reading and homework.
From a distance of nearly three years since their loss, she realised she loved Ewan for being a wonderful father and the strength and joy he brought to their children’s lives as much as everything else.
Thoughts of the move to Boston still troubled her at times, and how they would have resolved their differences.
She doubted she’d have been brave enough to stand her ground and say no, when he’d wanted to grasp the opportunity and had brushed away her concerns.
She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to being a widow, not a wife.
No longer married, except in her heart. That brought Raf to mind again, and the kiss they had shared, his assurance that she hadn’t betrayed the husband she’d lost. How long would it take to feel like the single person she actually was?
Would the dating app help? Should she swipe and find a match, someone who might understand because they’d been bereaved too? Just give it a go and not overthink it.
For all that Isla and Rory would love and miss their dad forever, their own lives would move on.
They would become adults and begin careers, find partners and create homes of their own.
Ewan would be a part of their past, someone bound up in memories rather than reality.
It was her life that was in limbo, suspended between the past and an uncertain future, and even her career might well be on the line after the meeting tomorrow.
She stuffed another plate into the dishwasher with a sigh. She could only wait and see.
Back in her office the next day, Cassie turned her mind firmly to work as she made her way to the board room for the meeting with her new boss.
She’d got on well with James since the start.
An elegant, handsome man whose grandparents had been part of the Windrush generation, he worked hard and expected the same from his staff.
But he was adaptable too, and understood the line between home and work could occasionally be a blurred one.
James pulled out a chair for her, and she thanked him as she brought coffees across.
Perhaps that was old fashioned of him, but it was mannerly, and she liked it.
He waited until she had sat down before moving his seat, so they were facing one another.
He began by explaining that this was more of an informal chat than a meeting which would go on record, and that eased a smidgeon of the tension in her shoulders.
Informal or not, the next few minutes felt as though they could be seminal ones in the career she had grown over nearly twenty years.
Was she too old now? Too sad, too burdened and distracted?
He enquired about her and the children, and she gave him an honest reply.
Most people asked her this, but not everyone listened.
She worked hard not to wear her bereavement like a badge everyone had to acknowledge before they could move on.
Was he asking because he was genuinely concerned, or was her emotional health a means of managing her out of her job if change was on the way?
If they wanted her gone, she wasn’t sure she had the strength to try and fight it.
Fifteen minutes later Cassie stumbled from the board room in a daze.
As it was lunchtime, something she normally spent at her desk so as to make most effective use of her time, she escaped into Grosvenor Square to think, longing to call Pippa or Raf.
But she couldn’t break a confidence, and gradually her usual sharp focus returned, her mind running over practicalities, the day-to-day at home and how to balance it against the news she’d just received.
She was still on tenterhooks when she arrived home later.
Jas cooked supper, and afterwards Cassie asked Isla and Rory to hang around instead of going to their rooms. She was used to working unbalanced hours she fitted in around her family.
Holidays interrupted, occasional school events missed, and she and Ewan had pulled together to support their children.
But this new role would require another level of commitment, and with Pippa and Harriet, and now Fiona and Gordon in Yorkshire, Cassie wanted to spend more time with those she loved, not less.
She took Isla and Rory through the proposed changes after swearing them to absolute secrecy and only needed to see the fear and uncertainty filling Rory’s gaze to know she was doing the right thing.
‘Global head of public relations?’ Isla exclaimed, leaping up to hug Cassie. ‘Mum, that’s awesome and you totally deserve it.’
‘Thank you, sweetheart, that’s so kind of you. It’s because we’re merging with a European group, one that has hotels in Amsterdam, Paris and Prague.’ Cassie paused. ‘So it would mean quite a bit of travel, especially at the start.’
‘Are you going to say yes, Mum?’ Rory rubbed a finger with his thumb, the same thing she always did when she was stressed, and she took his hand. ‘I mean, I know it’s brilliant for you, and Isla’s right, you totally deserve it. It’s just…’
Cassie’s other hand found Isla’s, and she looked at her fingers entwined around her children’s. If only she could keep them this close always. A moment of regret for her career passed through her mind, but she firmly shook it away.
‘No, darling, I’m not. I think it’s too much for us right now, and I want to be at home for both of you. I know you’re growing up and becoming more independent, and that’s wonderful and perfectly natural. But I think you still need me around for a while yet.’
Happiness clutched at her throat as she saw the relief rushing into Rory’s face, and finally the burden of responsibility on her shoulders began to lift.
She looked at Isla, searching for her daughter’s response.
Would Isla feel Cassie was letting her down somehow, failing in her example as a working mother?
Cassie’s future was stretching before her, strangely blank without the routine of work, running on adrenaline and coffee alongside the brilliant team she had built.
‘Oh, Mum.’ Suddenly Isla’s arms were around her neck, and Cassie reached an arm around Rory too, so he could join in the embrace.
‘I don’t want you to miss out on something you love because of us,’ Isla muttered. ‘If you want to go for it, you should.’