Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
JENSEN
Maybe I should have offered to be the one to drive, but it’s a relief when Barrett pulls up out front. I’m way too jittery to be operating heavy machinery. Before this visit home, I would have said nothing scares me, but I think Amelia does.
It’s a very new feeling to be intimidated by a little old lady, but Amelia’s steady gaze, stable attitude, and demand to take Kasen away is a lot to deal with on top of … no.
No more what-ifs.
Barrett looks up as I open the door, hair over his forehead swooped to either side of his face, long, straight eyebrows sitting over the top of his sunglasses, both all too familiar. The few days of old growth across his jaw isn’t. Neither is the way his shoulders and arms fill out his shirt.
“Hey,” he murmurs in that deep rasp of his. “You ready?”
“Fuck no.” I drop into the seat, and as soon as my door is closed, he takes off. “Why am I so damn nervous?”
“I think it’s a sign that this means a lot to you.”
Air rushes from my lungs. “Maybe.”
“Hawke, it’s okay to admit you have feelings.”
“I know, I know … it’s just …” I know the words that have been eating at me, but I’m not sure I can say them out loud.
I haven’t even told my parents what my plans are because, really, what if I fail?
Let’s face it, there’s a higher chance of failing than succeeding here, and it’s almost like if people don’t know how much I want this, then I won’t look like an idiot when it all blows up in my face.
“Just what?” Barrett asks, and his tone is so familiar that the words fall out.
“I haven’t earned it. Is Kasen allowed to mean so fucking much when we don’t know each other at all? He hates me, and I can’t even blame him for it. But it’s killing me that he does.”
Without taking his eyes off the road, Barrett reaches over, large, calloused hand closing over mine. He doesn’t say anything, just squeezes tight before pulling into the cafe parking lot. Five minutes early.
“No matter what happens, I’ll be waiting for you once you get back.”
“You’re supposed to tell me it will be fine.”
He parks the car, then pushes up his sunglasses as he turns to look at me. “It will be fine.”
“You could not have said that with less emotion if you tried.”
A laugh sneaks past his lips. “I actually worked really hard to sound that deadpan. Now, get your ass in there.”
With a sigh, I push open the car door and try not to feel as though I’m walking to my doom.
Amelia is already there waiting, of course, and she watches me approach as she sips her coffee. I try for a smile, but it’s like a candle flickering before it dies.
“Thanks for meeting me.”
“Of course.” She sets down her cup.
I’m about to suggest that I buy us both a drink, but I really don’t think I’ll be able to stomach anything, so I sink into the seat across from her. “Ah, Kasen didn’t want to come?”
“I didn’t think it was a good idea. He’s at a friend’s place.”
“Right.” I clear my throat. “So—”
“You bought him a car.”
Oh, fuck. We’re jumping right into that, are we? Maybe I should have asked for a glass of water to help clear the boulder blocking my throat. “He only asked me for two things, so I figured with all the birthdays and Christmases I’ve missed …”
“You can’t buy him a car. It’s unreasonable.”
Those two sides of me war with each other again. The side that’s pissed off she’s telling me what to do with my own son, and the side that acknowledges I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I try to keep my tone light, but I don’t think I pull it off. “Well, it’s too late now.”
“He said it’s in your name.”
“Yeah, but—”
“So take it back.”
My jaw flexes with the effort it takes not to tell her to fuck off.
The thing is, I can see a lot of Carly in her mom, and those same features are also all over Kasen’s face.
If I really want to do this, I need to make sure Amelia is on board.
But I’m not going to be a pushover. We both know how easily we could make each other’s lives hard.
“Are you going to be the one to tell him the car has to go? Or is that yet another thing I have no choice in?”
“I’m trying to be very patient with you, Jensen. I understand this is a confusing time, but since you’re the one who bought the car, you need to be the one to tell him why it wasn’t appropriate.”
“Do I?” I cross my arms, and it’s probably not smart, but I’m already getting flustered. “Because I don’t think I even know the reasons.”
“He’s a child, and children need boundaries. Dropping a hundred thousand dollars on a car isn’t setting a good example or role modeling how a stable adult behaves.”
“Was Carly role modeling how a stable adult behaves when she hid my son from me?” It’s a low blow, and I regret it immediately, but it’s out there now.
Carly fucking hurt me. She lied right to my face the few times I bumped into her.
I know you’re not supposed to speak badly about the dead, but at what point will anyone acknowledge that she fucked up on this one?
Amelia’s whole face is tight with tension. “She had her reasons.”
“I’d love to hear them, actually.”
At first, I think she really will tell me, but after struggling against words for a moment, she shuts down. “That’s not my business to tell.”
“Well, when you figure out whose business it is to tell me, you let me know.” My hands ball into fists where they’re still hidden from her view. “Don’t worry, you’ve got time. I’m here for the rest of summer.”
For the first time since I sat down, worry creases the corners of her eyes. “Your parents said you were leaving Wednesday.”
“Changed my mind.”
“Why?”
It takes all of my self-control to unfold my arms and relax back into my chair like this conversation doesn’t have me rattled. “Because it’s going to take me more than a few days to get to know my son.”
She exhales loudly, grips the coffee mug, and releases it again. “It’s going to take longer than a summer for that.”
“Well, we can deal with that when it comes to it.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
My gut is rioting violently at saying the words, but then I remember Kasen and why I’m doing this and that Barrett is just outside. I swallow loudly, and as I look across at the panic in her eyes, I can sympathize. I really can. “I’m not going to give up custody.”
There’s a long, thick silence that builds as we stare across at each other. “So what …” She blinks rapidly. “You’re going to take him away from me too?”
“I …” I break eye contact. “All I know is that I can’t walk away from my son. I can’t go back to my life and pretend like I don’t know about him. I want to know about him. I want to get that chance to hang out and talk and not have everything be so fucking complicated.”
Amelia’s hands are shaking, and she tucks them under the table like she doesn’t want me to see. “I’m not going to let you take him.”
“Amelia—”
“No. I have been here his entire life. I helped raise him. I’ve been here for every damn moment. All the good and the bad. He’s my fucking grandson.”
I’m trying so hard not to let her words get to me. I fail. “Well, thanks to you and your daughter, I didn’t get to be here for any of it. And that changes right goddamn now.”
With that, I shove away from the table, done with this conversation.
She doesn’t try to stop me, and I don’t turn back either.
I didn’t want to start a fight with her, but I hate that I’m feeling sorry for her.
I hate that I understand her panic over losing Kasen.
But I really fucking hate that she doesn’t understand mine.
I don’t want to take him away from her, and in some magical world, we’d find a way where we both get to be in his life, but with me under contract with St. Louis for another three years and her whole life here, one of us will have to give.
I’m ready to explode when I get back to the car.
“Can you believe this fucking shit?”
Barrett watches me. “Something tells me that it didn’t go well.”
“She all but demanded I take the car back and be the bad guy about it, and she said that she’s not going to let me take Kasen from her. Let me. Like she has more rights to him than his own fucking father.”
He doesn’t answer me, and it only riles me up more.
“I could take him, you know? I could do it. I have the money to hire lawyers she’d never be able to face. Then where the fuck would she be? No Carly, no Kasen, and—” My voice breaks.
“Is that what you want?” he whispers in the lingering gully left by my words.
I bury my face in my hands, anger and frustration so hard to fight. “No. I don’t want that at all.”
“Right.” He climbs out of the car. “Give me a second.”
Barrett is gone before I can stop him, and I sit there in shock for the whole five minutes it takes for him to get back. The second I spot him through the windshield, I try to pick out any signs of tension, but his casual, measured strides are the same as ever.
He climbs inside and turns on the car, not saying a word.
“Well?”
His lips twitch. “People tend to be very reasonable when you don’t shout in their face.”
“Is that what she said I did?”
“No.” He laughs. “I just know you.”
The flare of anger dissipates again. “Clearly, not well. I didn’t yell at anyone.”
“Amelia loves him. He’s her family, and she’s scared you’re going to take him to St. Louis, and she’ll never see him again.”
“I—”
“I told her you don’t want that. That it’s not fair of her to judge you when you’ve met under such stressful circumstances, and that all you want is a right to get to know your son. Something that was your right since the beginning.”
“And … what did she say?”
“We both agreed it should be up to Kasen.” The grin he gives me doesn’t match his words.
“Great. So it’ll never happen.”
“What makes you say that?”
I almost want to check Barrett for a concussion. He was there yesterday. He knows exactly how Kasen feels. “He doesn’t want to know me.”
“No, he doesn’t want to want to know you. That’s a massive difference.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. Now, some more good news. I texted Derry while you were in the cafe, and he’s agreed not to ban you.
I thought we could head over there, have an early dinner while we drink away most of our sorrows, and this week, when Kasen comes in for training, I’ll pass on your number and ask if I can give you his. ”
“You’d do that for me?”
He screws up his face and releases it again. “I said I wouldn’t get involved, and look at that, I couldn’t help myself.” He tries for a quick laugh that falls flat. “I won’t push him into anything, but … I’m on your team.”
I can’t explain how good that is to hear. Then he keeps going.
“There’ll never be a day where I’m not.”