Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
TAI
Did I kidnap my ex-best friend and take advantage of his vulnerability to spend time with him?
No. Of course not. Only a monster would do that.
But as I glance back at where he’s sitting in the booth by the far wall, surrounded by a storm cloud of conflict, I have to concede that I sort of did.
I’m determined not to fall back into bad habits with him, but Hawke has always been like this … I can’t even name it. When he’s around, I want him to be around more. Like his cells are magnetized to my cells, and we’re both too weak to resist the pull.
I’m called forward by Whitney, the new bar girl, and place my order. She tries to make conversation, and I’m polite, but the whole time she pours our drinks and takes our order, my mind is ten feet away across the bar.
I finally escape her bubbly personality and return to the warmth of Hawke’s brooding.
Amelia was a lot more resistant than I led Hawke to believe, but when I pointed out that Kasen would hold it against her forever if she kept his only remaining parent from him, she caved. So I get why he’s feeling this way.
I’m also going to do everything I can to distract him.
Because that’s what best friends do.
I stare across the booth at him for a whole minute before he notices. There’s so much going on behind his hazel eyes, and I want to pull every last thought out and shoulder them for him.
“What are you looking at?” he asks, taking a long sip of his beer.
“See, I used to have this best friend. Fun, confident, really good at hockey.”
His lips twitch. “You forgot hot.”
“No, I’m pretty sure that was me.”
One side of his lips pulls up, and my gut gives a little kick.
“You look a lot like him,” I say. “But he was funny. So you can’t be.”
“Fuck you, I’m funny.”
“Wah wah Kasen wahhh.”
His frown sets in like I knew it would. “That’s a big thing to be stressed about.”
“Oh, I know.” I refuse to let his grumpiness affect me. “But there’s nothing you can do about it right now. So are you going to ruin our dinner by being pissed off at the world, or are you going to give me some real conversation?”
My breath stalls while I wait to see if Hawke still knows me like he used to. I’m offering him a chance to forget. To shoot the shit, and have some drinks, and get out of his head like he did at the river.
Through the crowd of thoughts behind his eyes, I swear I see it click. “Are you capable of real conversation?” His eyes shine over the glass as he takes another sip. “You’ve been really good at silence these past few years.”
“If you’d been able to get a hold of me back then, what would you have said?”
“That I was tired and stressed and didn’t think I’d make it.”
I lean forward, elbows on the table. “You? You didn’t think you’d make it?”
“It was a rough time.”
“Bullshit.” As much as it probably was hard to adjust, Hawke would have loved every second. “Be real with me: it was awesome, wasn’t it?”
He mirrors me by leaning forward, bare forearms crossed, making them look larger than usual. “The schedule was grueling, and I thought I was going to be sent back to the farm team so many times. But I did it. Without you.”
“You should be proud of that. I’m proud of doing everything without you.”
“Are you?”
I shrug a little because the whole situation is complicated. “Not easily. But it was nice to know I could.”
“I guess that’s one way to look at it.”
I tilt my head as I study his face. “So … is this the really funny guy you promised me, or …”
A laugh chokes from him. “I was only ever that person when others were around. You’re the only one I could be real with.” Those hazel eyes hesitantly meet mine. “Guess that hasn’t changed.”
“Does it make me a dick to be glad about that?”
“Yeah, it does, actually.” But despite his words, the happy creases by his eyes give him away. “Anyway, that’s who we used to be. Who are you now, Barrett?”
“Now … I’m a slightly lonely workaholic, love my job as a coach, and always try to focus on the positive things in life.”
The happiness disappears as he does a double take. “You’re lonely?”
I don’t want to focus on that. I’m not even sure why I said it in the first place. “There aren’t a lot of options around here for settling down.”
“Burlington is only half an hour away. You can’t tell me there are no men there who wouldn’t jump at the chance to get in your pants.”
It’s nice to know Hawke thinks so highly of me. “Oh, trust me, there are. But half an hour is still a long drive when you’re working two or three jobs.”
Hawke taps his fingers on the table and lowers his voice until it’s almost inaudible. “I could give you money, you know?”
“I do know. And that won’t be happening.”
He doesn’t push, and I know he expected my response. It’s still a novelty to be back with someone who knows me so well. Well enough to immediately change the subject. “Tell me about these men in Burlington. Don’t leave anything out.” He leans closer. “I want all the details.”
“You know I don’t kiss and tell.”
“Yeah, and now I know it’s because you weren’t interested in any of the girls you dated.”
I hang my head back, squirming out of my skin at even the thought of trying to talk about sex back then. “Because you all would have guessed immediately. I can only imagine what I would have said.”
“Her lips tasted like strawberries.”
I blink at him. “Huh?”
“That’s what you said. After your first kiss. I thought it was fucking weird but thought maybe she was just wearing too much lip gloss. Or that you really like strawberries.”
The secondhand embarrassment reaches through the years and slaps me in the face. “As you can tell, I was very straight.”
“The straightest. Until this mysterious college guy. Did I know him?”
Back then, we were both closeted and only hooked up in secret, but according to his recent social media, he and his boyfriend are happy together. So knowing that I won’t be outing anyone, there’s no reason not to tell him. That doesn’t stop me from being hesitant. “Trevor Albarran.”
“Our goalie?”
I smirk. “He was very flexible.”
“Huh.” I’m not sure if it’s shock that’s taken over Hawke’s face, but he doesn’t look like he knows what to say next. His hand finds his hair, tussling the messy curls like he’s trying to shake a thought free. “He was … hot.”
“He was.”
“And was it, like, once or …”
“Nah, we had a regular thing.”
“You guys were dating?” Something in his tone sounds off.
“Would it annoy you if we were?”
“No.” His answer is too fast for me to believe him. Looks like I wasn’t the only one with possession issues.
I take pity on him. “We weren’t dating. We hooked up when we needed to, but he was more tense about being found out than I was.” I laugh as a memory comes back to me. “You almost caught us once.”
“I did?”
I nod. “We were on an away trip, and you came back to the room when you were supposed to be going out with the team. We locked ourselves in the bathroom, and I told you I had the stomach flu. When you left to grab me a few things, he bailed, and I don’t think we hooked up again after that.”
Hawke scowls. “I came back to the room because I didn’t want you to be alone. I thought I was looking after you!”
I smile innocently at him. “If it helps, I really loved the way you fussed over me.”
“Except you were never sick. You were just horny.”
“The attention made me want to fake sick more often.”
“Fuck you.”
My smile widens, and after a short moment, his does too. “Nothing like finding out all the ways my best friend betrayed me.”
The words make something in my chest stutter. I know he means best friends in past tense, but it’s almost painful how much I want it again. Like if I want it enough, I could somehow reach across the table and bring back everything we had.
“If it makes you feel better, now that I have something to compare it to, the sex wasn’t that great.”
He hmphs.
“Very clumsy. Lots of rushed moments. I thought it was incredible because I’d never had a man’s mouth around my cock before, but in hindsight, we both didn’t know better. I definitely used too much teeth and couldn’t for the life of me figure out deep-throating.”
Hawke just stares.
“What was your first time like?”
He breaks out of the frozen moment. “I told you when it happened. It was great.” Some of the stiffness melts.
“When I first joined the league, I had a casual thing with one of the WAGs’ sisters.
Let’s just say she was older and knew what she liked, and it didn’t take me long to appreciate where experience can get you. ”
It does not surprise me at all to know Hawke had a fling with an older woman. “And … men?”
He grins. “My first time with one was in a threesome. It was … enlightening.”
“Like your first time all over again?”
“I was so fucking nervous.” He plays with his nose ring, caught up in the memory. “But I finally got to lick a man’s nipple.”
My laugh bursts from me. “What is it with you and nipples?”
“They’re hot?” He shrugs unashamedly. “I blame you. Yours started my obsession.”
I’m leaning forward again. “What did you like about them?”
“They’re … just …” He fists his glass like he’s going to take another sip but can’t make his hand do it. “I dunno … pretty.”
“What about them is pretty?” I’m enjoying this way too much.
“Fuck off, Barrett. We’re not sitting here talking about your nipples.”
“You started it.” I kick his foot under the table. “Come on, you saw them yesterday. Are they still pretty?”
“No clue.”
“Don’t act like you weren’t looking.”
Then, tops of his ears turning red, he leans in so we’re eye to eye. “You and me both know they’re not the only things I was looking at.”
Heat rushes from my scalp to my feet, but before I can answer, the food buzzer lights up between us. The obnoxious noise is like a blast of chilly air to my face, and I hurriedly pull away.
I grab the buzzer and point it at him. “This saved you from giving me a real answer.” But because I refuse to let this moment pass without leaning into it, I promise him, “Next time, you won’t be so lucky.”
It’s only when I stand up to grab our food that I realize I’m half-hard from the conversation.
Hawke is going to kill me.