Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
TAI
“I’m not sure about this,” I tell Hawke as we pull up at the cafe. I’ve avoided being here while Dad is working, but my therapist mentioned it might be good for me to see with my own eyes that he’s capable.
Which, I get, but there’s that little voice worrying that he isn’t.
“If you need to go, we can go,” he says, giving my thigh a squeeze. “But you’re here now, so if you’re feeling up to it, let’s at least go inside.”
I’m apprehensive, but I unclip my seat belt and climb out of the car. Having Hawke here helps, and I genuinely do want to see Dad doing well.
His laugh is the first thing I hear when we walk in.
He’s leaning on a table, chatting to a couple sitting there, and I tug Hawke’s sleeve, pulling him toward a far table by the window where Dad hopefully won’t see us straightaway in the morning rush.
The knot of tension inside me loosens a tiny, tiny bit.
“You good?” Hawke asks, taking the seat across from me.
“Yeah, I think so.”
He sends a half smile my way. “We’re just going to order, eat, and go. That simple.”
I give him a doubtful look. “Think if you say that enough, it’ll work?”
“Who knows, but we’ll find out.”
Him being so relaxed and laid-back about this whole thing is rubbing off on me. I know Dad is amazing, and I know he works hard. He deserves to do this if it’s what he wants, and I really fucking hope it works out.
But …
I shove the thought away again. I told Hawke that I don’t operate on what-ifs when it comes to the past, so I have to stop letting them apply to my future as well.
It’s hard to tell if the therapy helped at all, but I can’t deny it was good to get some of the worries off my chest to someone who isn’t the man sitting across from me.
In fact, we ended up talking about him more than anyone.
Including the fact that he won’t be around for long.
My therapist was right that I need to build a support system outside of him, but that starts with asking for help from people, and it’s not something I’ve ever been good at.
“I’ll go order,” he says, and I’m grateful for it. “The usual?”
“Yes, please.”
Hawke disappears, and I finally let myself glance over at Dad again. He’s dropping a tray off at the counter, and as soon as he sees Hawke, his face breaks into a smile. A smile that wavers slightly when he follows the thumb Hawke throws over his shoulder to point my way.
I hate that I’m the reason his happiness dimmed, so I force the most genuinely proud expression I’ve ever worn and send him a wave.
It takes a second, but the tension disappears, and he waves back before getting on with his job.
Hawke is back a few minutes later. “Looks like Belli’s made some updates,” he says, placing a bright red mug down in front of me. His is orange, and when I glance around at the tables, I see a mix of brightly colored items in amongst all the familiar white ceramic.
“Cool.” I pick up my coffee and take a sip, refocusing on Hawke and not keeping an eye on Dad to check he’s okay. “So when do you leave for your trip?”
“The wedding?” he checks. He’s mentioned his teammate getting married next week a couple of times now. “I’ll leave on Friday so I’m there in time and probably come back on Monday.”
It’s only a few days, I know that, but all it does is remind me that the next time he leaves, it won’t be for a weekend.
Hawke shifts in his seat. “Do you, uh … wanna come?”
“What?”
“To the wedding.” He shrugs, not meeting my eye. “I have a plus-one, and I thought it might be cool, you know.”
I’m not expecting the excitement that races through me. “You’d be okay with me meeting your team?”
“Are you kidding?” I finally have his attention as he leans over the table. “It’s long overdue.”
I lean in too. “And will you tell them that we’re fucking?”
“Depends.”
“On?”
“On whether I can keep my hands off you on the dance floor. And I think the club the other night gave us the answer to that question.”
I’d been worried for a few days after that a picture of us kissing might show up online, but there was nothing. I know that Hawke isn’t in the closet or hiding, but I also don’t want that kind of drama finding me either. “So your whole team will find out you’re fucking your best friend.”
He waves a large hand over me. “Look at you. I think they’d assume it either way.”
Well, if that isn’t an ego boost, I don’t know what is. Until I remember a not-so-small detail. “I can’t leave Dad.”
“For a weekend?”
“No. It was bad enough leaving him for a night.”
“What if we fly back Sunday night instead?”
That’s still three whole days he’ll be alone. And two nights. What if he tries to cook dinner again?
“And Gigi will stop in to check on him,” he adds.
“Gigi?”
“Yeah, my sister. Remember her?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Of course I do. But she’s not going to want to waste her weekend doing that.”
“She will love doing that. It will be the best part of her week.”
He’s lying, but I don’t call him on it. I’m surprised by how much I actually want to go. How much I think I might need to get away. “Dad might put up a fight.”
“I can already guarantee you that he’ll do anything for you to come with me.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because your dad’s the best. And he wants you to be happy.”
But just as I’m about to reply, the sound of shattering china comes from behind me. I spin in my chair, immediately on alert, and find Dad standing in the middle of the cafe, broken mugs and saucers at his feet.
My heart leaps into my throat, and this sick, heated dread settles over my gut as Dad’s hands tense into fists.
His lips are pressed bruisingly together like he’s ready to explode but is trying to hold it all in, and I know from experience that I only have a few seconds to get him out of here before it happens.
I throw myself from my chair, but Belli reaches him before I do.
And she’s laughing. “I know I told you that I wanted to replace all those cups, but you didn’t need to hurry me along by smashing them.
” She picks up the tray and presses it into Dad’s hands before ducking down with a broom and pan to sweep up the mess.
“But I get your message. They’re ugly. They belong in the trash.
I’ll place an order soon for more.” She turns to the table right next to them.
“Everyone okay here? Yes? Good.” Then, as fast as she appeared, she takes Dad by the arm and leads him toward the hall to the back.
Oh, shit. She’s going to fire him.
I hurry after them, no clue where I’m going, but eventually, I catch a voice coming from a room right next to the back exit.
I’m about to storm in there, tell Belli that it’s her fault for encouraging this, that Dad didn’t do it on purpose and deserves another chance, when I pause at her words.
“Take a breath, darlin’. That was nothing.”
“I … I …” Dad huffs, and it sounds angrier than anything I’ve heard from him in years. “I knew it was coming, and I pushed. I shouldn’t have pushed. But I wanted to fucking do it.”
“Of course you did. But I told you to come to me. You need to tell me when you need a break.”
“I’m sorry, Belli. I’m so fucking sorry. Maybe this was a stupid idea. Maybe I shouldn’t—”
“Ben Barrett, if another negative word leaves your damn mouth, we’re going to have some issues.”
Surprisingly, that shuts him up. And I … it doesn’t sound like she’s firing him? I’m scared to hope that I’m picking up on things correctly, but I really might be.
“This is my office,” she tells him. “I have to come here to get away sometimes too. Now I’m lending it to you. Come here if you need to scream, swear, sit down for a minute. Whatever you need, you use it for, okay?”
“Scream?”
“No one out there will hear you. Trust me, I’ve tested it.”
Dad’s chuckle is cautious. “Sorry, Belli. I’ll do better.”
“Nah, don’t you worry about that. Do what you can do. You’re going to give up on you before I do, and carrying you alone is going to be hard work, so do me a favor and don’t give up, okay?”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Oh, I know. My depression wins sometimes, and I win other times. It is what it is. But we can’t let it win without a fight. Promise me?”
“I promise I’ll try.”
“That works for me.”
I can’t hear any more. I take off back up the hallway before they can spot me, and I don’t know what feelings are trying to take over because there are too many to name.
I do know that my chest feels both heavy and light at the same time.
That I have the strongest urge to cry. And laugh.
And to go wrap both Dad and Belli in the biggest hugs I can manage.
Instead, I go back to the table where my breakfast is waiting and lean my face in my hands.
I don’t think the tears are going to come, but I’m not fucking sure of anything right now.
“Is your dad okay?” Hawke asks.
“Yeah, he’s … yeah.” I scrub at my face and look over at Hawke, still processing, still shocked and grateful and confused about how it all fits in my body at once. “I think he is.”
Hawke’s relieved smile fills his face. “That’s great news.”
“It is.” I think it is. I know it is. “I want to come with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You need to know that I’m probably going to be on edge the entire time and constantly checking in on home, and I won’t go if Dad’s not okay with it, but … I think I need this. And I think he does too.”
Hawke’s gaze goes soft, and there’s something so sweet and tender there that, fuck me, I want to cry again. I can’t handle Dad having someone fighting for him and Hawke being proud of me all at the same time. It’s too much.
But damn, I need every second of it.