Chapter 35
Chapter Thirty-Five
JENSEN
Ileave Barrett sleeping in bed the next morning, feeling so damn satisfied and a little bittersweet about having to go back to Watesburg.
I’ve always loved my house, but having him and Kasen here are little pieces that I didn’t even know were missing, and it’s going to be a long season ahead without them.
I make myself a coffee, then head outside to where I can see Kasen swimming laps in the pool.
“Don’t pull a muscle,” I say as I take one of the sun loungers. “Your coach will kill me.”
Kasen actually smirks. “Pretty much all I can do is breaststroke, and not well, so you’re safe.”
I watch him swim, and he looks happier than I’ve ever seen him. “You already packed?”
“Yep, wasn’t hard since I barely brought anything with me.”
I sip my coffee some more, wondering whether to bring up last night. “Didn’t think I’d see you dancing at the wedding.”
Instead of the scowl I’m expecting, Kasen ducks his head under the water. When he reappears, he pretends he didn’t hear me, but that’s not going to shut me up.
“Did you get her number?”
He keeps swimming, but I catch the way his ears go red. Like mine, apparently. “Not your business.”
I copy the same answer he gave me. “That means yes.” Then I continue before he can get shitty. “I’m glad you had fun. It’s exactly what you should be doing. Did you like meeting the team?”
“Yeah.” He swims over and climbs out, surprising me by grabbing his towel and taking the sun lounger next to me. “They’re all so cool. Maybe I’ll get drafted to St. Louis someday.”
“Maybe you will.”
He throws me a look. “Will you still be playing?”
“That’s a hard question. Do I want to be? Yes. Will I be? Who knows. I’ve had a great career, and I don’t want to push past my prime, plus …”
“What?”
“Well, my contract is up in three years. You enter the draft in three. Something tells me that’s for a reason.”
“You’d retire then?”
I give him a long, searching look. “I’d retire right now if I could.”
“What?”
I turn so I’m facing him and set my coffee cup down on the tile. “I want to be your dad. I want to show up for you and prove to you that I mean it when I say I’m not going anywhere. I want you in my life, and the only way I can see that happening is if I quit.”
“But … you can’t.”
The reminder eats at some of that happiness I woke up with. I want Kasen and Barrett in St. Louis with me, but I know it’s not possible, which means I have to go to Watesburg to be with them. And I can’t do it. “Breaking my contract would not go over well.”
Kasen shakes his head and turns to mirror me. “Not the contract. Hockey. Without it, who the fuck even are we? Gran has tried to make me give it up so many times, and I can’t do it. Not even to make her happy. I literally can’t. And I know you feel the same way.”
“I do, but …” I wait for him to look up curiously. “You’re worth the sacrifice. So is Barrett.” If there was anything at all I could do to make it happen, I’m at the point where I would.
I’m not expecting when Kasen whacks me. “No quitting. Who the hell taught you resilience? Mom always said that when you make a commitment, you see it through, and now it’s your job to teach me the same.
” He shrugs. “It’s also your job to help make sure I get to live my dream, too, because getting into the NHL is hard, and if I can play the nepotism card, you better believe I will. ”
I choke on my laugh. “Nepotism is for people without talent. That’s not something you need to worry about.”
“Maybe not, but it’s nice to have it in my back pocket.”
“Fair enough.” But for the first time, I think I can read his tone. He might be joking about nepotism, but he really does want me to stay put.
“When I have a house like yours,” he says, relaxing back on the sun lounger, “I’m going to have all types of secret passages and booby traps. You better watch yourself when you come and visit me.”
I stare at him, and I don’t know if he knows I’m staring, but wow. Kasen sees me in his future. “Can’t wait.” I cut off there because I’m suddenly choked up.
He looks around the huge backyard, and his voice gets softer. “Do you want me to move here?”
“Yes.”
He turns a grin my way. “Need a second to think about it?”
“Not at all. If it was up to me, you and Barrett would both move in. Tomorrow.”
“Ah … so you guys are fucking.”
Well, at least I know he didn’t hear us last night. “Still none of your business.”
The teasing slips from his face. “You know I can’t, right?”
I do know that, but hearing it come from him still guts me. “Yeah …”
“It’s nothing personal. I, umm … like, obviously, it’s great here. And everything. And you’re okay too, I guess.”
“Just okay?”
His bottom lip shakes, and he presses them together and turns away. “I’m only saying, I might like it, and I might even want to stay a tiny bit too, but I can’t leave home. I’d miss my friends, and it would kill Grandma, and … well, M-mom’s there too, so—”
I reach over and take his hand in both of mine.
Kasen’s attention flies back to me.
“I understand.”
“Do you though?”
“Of course I do. When I was your age, my friends were everything to me. Well, Barrett was everything to me. Him and hockey were all I cared about. We’ve just met, and we’re still getting to know each other, and as much as I might hate it, we have a long way to go before anything is normal about this. So, yeah, I understand.”
He manages a smile, and I let his hand go before I make him uncomfortable. “Plus, you travel a lot. So it’s not like I’d see you all the time anyway.”
“True …” It’s another reason in a whole list of them about why this is fucked. “Do you think … would you come and stay with me through your school breaks?”
“Yeah?” I’m caught off guard by how he lights up.
“If you want to. I could even talk to my coach and see if I can get special permission for you to travel with us if I have away games while you’re here.”
“That would be so cool.”
Yeah … it really fucking would be.
“Maybe I could do some weekends here too?” he suggests.
“I’d love that.”
“And you’ll be in Watesburg sometimes too, right? I’m assuming you’ll want to visit Coach?”
And that’s the reminder that while I might be working everything out with Kasen, it’s still a giant fucking question mark over what will happen with me and Barrett.
I’m not ready to give up on him, but I’ve been up half of the night, trying to figure out a solution, and I can’t do it. I’m tied to my contract. He’s tied to his responsibilities at home.
I try to make my smile match the one I was wearing a few seconds ago. “Whenever I can.”
“Then I think we’ll be good.” He reaches over and pushes my shoulder. “Besides, I can’t escape your constant text messages as it is. At least if you’re in a different state and don’t know my schedule, I can pretend to be too busy to answer.”
“Yeah, I’ll be making sure Amelia keeps me updated on where you are at all times.”
“Stalker.”
“And …” I probably shouldn’t promise this because it’s overstepping where Amelia is concerned, but if I’m going to be his dad, I’m going to advocate for him with the important things. “I’ll talk to Amelia. You’re doing that hockey camp scholarship, no question.”
“You will?”
“Of course. You earned it, and if we don’t want nepotism getting you through, you better learn as much as you can from as many people as you can. Being a professional player isn’t easy, especially for a goalie. Your fans can turn on you fast, and I want to make sure you’re ready for that.”
“Thanks.” It’s grudgingly genuine. “I know Grandma loves me, but hockey isn’t something we’ve ever seen eye to eye on. She couldn’t understand why Mom worked so hard for me to play.”
“Your mom was a really good person.”
“Yeah …” He swallows thickly. “Still wish she’d told you about me.”
“Me too, kid. Me too.” But I can’t hold it against her anymore because I take Kasen’s words for the forgiveness that they are.
“What time is our flight again?”
“We’ll need to leave in two hours.”
“Cool. Barrett’s up. I’m going to go and call Grandma.” He stands, towel around his shoulders, but pauses before he walks away. “Thanks, Hawke. I’m really glad I came.”
Kasen leaves, but I’m stuck on that moment, the sunshine on my skin, the smell of chlorine surrounding him, and my heart fucking bursting at those words.
He didn’t call me Dad.
And I’ve never been happier about it.