Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
JENSEN
“What if she murders me?” I mutter to Gigi as she pulls up out front of Kasen’s house. After all her help at Barrett’s, I took her out to lunch today, and it was fun to spend some time with my sister.
“Want me to grab the baseball bat from my trunk and listen at the front door?”
I strangle a laugh. “It’s enough to know you would.”
If I’m honest with myself, I need to do this alone. Last time with Amelia, it felt like we took baby steps, but with an actual plan in place with Kasen now, I need to bring her on board. We need to stop fighting each other and remember that at the end of the day, we both want what’s best for him.
“Okay, text me when you’re done. If I don’t hear from you in an hour, I’ll lodge a missing person’s case.”
“Give me two.”
“Nah, too generous.”
I grin over the center console at her, wondering if I’ve finally figured out where Kasen gets his snark from. “You know what, when I leave, I want you to make an effort with Kasen. Something tells me you’d get along.”
She cackles. “Bold of you to assume we haven’t been texting for weeks already.”
I stare at her. “Texting? Does he answer you?”
“Yeah, all the time. We’re going to catch a movie next week.”
“That little—” I’m not sure whether to be proud that they’re building a relationship or offended that they didn’t tell me. “A heads-up would have been nice.”
“Pfft. I’m the aunty. It’s basically my job to take his side in any and all things, encourage terrible behavior, and in general wreak chaos and spoil him rotten. I have fifteen years to make up for.”
“Delete his number.”
She blows me a kiss. “Love you too, Jenny.”
There’s no winning with her. I climb out to a hope you don’t die before she leaves, and the only way I get my feet moving is with the reminder that I’m going to be late.
Amelia wasn’t exactly thrilled about me asking to catch up for a chat, but she didn’t give me any shit about it either. Baby steps.
She opens the door before I reach it. “Hello, Jensen. Come in.”
I offer her a smile because she can be as stiff and formal as she likes toward me, but I’m not going to do the same. “Good to see you again.”
The tension in her face doesn’t shift, but I’m really hoping that after today, she’ll be able to trust me more.
She leads me into the tidy living room, where there’s already tea and snacks waiting. I don’t know if she goes to this effort with everyone, but to show I appreciate it, I pour us both cups—even though tea tastes like dirt—and offer hers to her.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. Thanks for making time for me.”
“Yes, well …”
Well. The unspoken “she didn’t have a choice.” I know there’s a power imbalance between us when it comes to Kasen, but I don’t want that to shadow every conversation anymore. I want my money to be an asset to her, and I want her connection with Kasen to be an asset to me.
We both have what the other needs and—more importantly—what Kasen needs.
“Having that time away with Kasen was amazing. I can’t thank you enough.”
“Yes …” She runs her thumb over the saucer. “He was very excited when he got back.”
“I can’t imagine what that looks like.” At her confused expression, I continue. “He tends to keep everything locked up around me.”
It takes her a minute, like she’s trying to choose between which response to give me. “He doesn’t trust you.”
“He didn’t,” I correct her. “But we’re getting there.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. In fact, I think we might have found a temporary solution for us all.”
Amelia slowly puts down her cup. “Temporary?”
“I understand what you’ve gone through. Not completely, obviously, but I know what it must be like. I also know that Kasen’s seen shit he never should have in his life, and I don’t want to disrupt him any more than the last few months already have.”
Some of her coldness seeps out. “What are you saying?”
“Kasen and I talked, and given his schooling and my work, we agreed the best thing for him is to continue living here—assuming that’s what you want.”
I’m barely finished before she’s nodding. “I do.”
“But he’ll be spending all of his school vacations with me and some weekends when we can make it happen.”
Some of her enthusiasm dims. “Including summer vacation?”
“We’ll take it year by year. I want to travel with him and spend as much time with him as possible, but I know it’s a long time, so we’ll make plans to be in Watesburg for some of it too.”
She takes a moment to think it through. “And Christmas?”
“I get three days off, so if it means fighting with holiday flights to be here, I’ll do it. Or maybe I could fly you both into St. Louis. We can work that out.”
“And the rest of the time, he’ll be with me?”
“Yes. It’s what he wants.” I ignore the hurt, because I get it, and there’s more she’s not going to like. “I’ll be paying child support and for anything he needs. Which includes hockey.”
Her eyes narrow an inch. “Is this where you tell me that I have to let him play, or you’ll take him?”
“Not at all. Kasen and I have already agreed to everything. This is me telling you that both his mom and his dad support him playing. And you need to respect that.”
“I …”
“He’s really good. He’s also, unfortunately, behind. Kasen’s almost fifteen, which means there’s only a few years until he enters the draft. We need to get his name out there, get scout interest, and get him on the lineup for World Juniors.”
“He needs to focus on school.”
“He needs to focus on his passion. Carly knew that, and she worked her ass off for it. I’m not going to let her efforts be wasted.”
Her eyes instantly flick over my shoulder, and it takes me a moment to work out she’s looking at a picture of Carly.
A smiling, happy picture. A picture of the person I used to know, who I can’t imagine keeping a kid from me.
I liked Carly. I might not have loved her, but she was a cool person, and if Kasen is anything to go by, that never changed.
I lower my voice and don’t realize what a plea it sounds like until the question is out. “Why didn’t she tell me, Amelia?”
I watch the older woman pick up her cup. She opens her mouth, sighs, sets the cup down again. “Does it matter?”
“Yeah. Because in just over a month, I’ve gotten to know one of the coolest people I’ve ever met.
And I can’t imagine how it would have been to get to see him grow up into that.
You got that. Carly got that. And no matter how close Kasen and I get, it will always, always haunt me that I didn’t. Please. I need to know.”
Amelia swipes at one of her eyes. “You’ll hate her.”
“Impossible.”
“You say that now, but …”
I shift forward in my seat. “No, it’s impossible because she gave me Kasen.
Maybe it will hurt, and maybe I’ll feel betrayed or whatever, but when it comes right down to it …
we were kids. It doesn’t matter what mistakes we made then because it got me him.
All that’s left is having my answers so that I can move forward with being the best dad to him that I can be. He deserves it.”
“He does.”
“Then …”
She rubs a delicate hand over her mouth as she thinks, and I have to restrain myself from pushing. Yet. I need this. So damn much.
Eventually, in a low voice, Amelia says, “She wasn’t sure if the baby was yours.”
The words take a moment to sink in. “What do you …”
“I still remember finding her in tears, her telling me she was pregnant, and the hours it took for her to admit that she’d been sleeping with two people at the same time.”
“Two …”
“It wasn’t until Kasen was … five, maybe?
Carly finally gave me the whole story. She knew that you were going to end it with her, and so she was trying to make you jealous by flirting with one of your friends.
You didn’t even notice. They started a relationship just before yours ended, then before he went away to college, she told him she was pregnant.
He broke up with her. Told her he didn’t want the baby and that he had a whole hockey career ahead of him …
” Amelia cuts off as her voice takes on an edge.
“Fuck.”
“She was pissed when it happened, but by five, it was very obvious who Kasen looked like and that she’d dodged a bullet.”
“But she still didn’t tell me,” I murmur.
“You were in St. Louis. With …” She sighs. “A whole hockey career ahead of you too.”
My jaw clenches so tight my teeth scratch. “Who was he? Who do I have to kill?”
Amelia actually laughs. “I like to think he got the karma he deserves. He never made it to a professional career. That was enough for Carly.”
I sit with my thoughts, with all that information, and wonder if it’s good enough for me. If I’m honest with myself, the homicidal thoughts are loud, but why? Is it because he was a dick? Because he ditched them? Because of the cheating?
Bit by bit, the rage trickles into a deep sadness instead.
I want to be mad that Carly cheated, but …
we were kids. Sheltered ones. We were never going to make it all the way, and even back then, my whole focus was on Barrett—and she knew it.
I wish I’d never made her feel like that.
I wish whoever this asshole is had never left her alone.
I wish she knew she could talk to me and that I wasn’t like all the other assholes, but it’s not like I ever proved that to her.
Even back then, Kasen would have been my priority, but how the hell was Carly supposed to know that when I never made her mine? My life was hockey and Barrett. As much as I want to blame her for everything … I can’t. Too much of it is on my shoulders too.
“Thank you,” I finally say.
Amelia frowns. “That’s it? You’re not going to get angry or demand a paternity test or—”
Her voice wobbles, and I shift closer to take her hand. “I have a lot of regrets, but a smart man once told me what-ifs don’t change anything. All we can focus on is moving forward. I can do that now. So thank you.”
She hiccups back a sob. “I really wish she had told you.”
“I really wish she had too.” I let go of her hand and top up her tea, wondering what sort of relationship we have from here, but determined to do it.
“Carly did a great job. Now it’s my turn.
I love that kid so much, and I’m going to do everything I can for him.
Including being supportive about him living here.
And making sure he gets to play the sport he loves. ”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop being bitter about hockey.”
“Hopefully, you’ll give Kasen and me a chance to change your mind.”
She doesn’t agree, but then she doesn’t disagree either. So that’s something.
We make plans to sort everything out in more detail before I head back to St. Louis, and I leave her to clean up and show myself out.
Only I get as far as the front door before I hear something.
Coming from the hall.
I creep closer to a closed door that I swear I hear sobbing coming from and give it a soft tap.
“Ah … everything okay?”
I’m not expecting the door to fly open and be tackled by all one hundred and fifty pounds of teenage boy. It’s actually so unexpected that it takes me a second to work out that his arms are around me.
Kasen is … hugging me.
Fuck.
My eyes prickle as I hold his shaking body close, torn between my heart exploding that this is actually happening and worry over what the hell got him here.
“I … I miss her … so much,” he chokes out into my shoulder. The pain in his voice almost breaks me.
My swelling heart shatters into a million pieces, and I squeeze him tighter.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I run my hand over his curls, lost and confused about what I’m supposed to do here, and desperately wanting to make everything better.
My eyes are wet, and Kasen is soaking my shirt right through, and all I can do is hold him, and it doesn’t feel like enough.
“I wish she told you sooner too.”
His words make me freeze. “You were listening?”
“Why couldn’t you … be an asshole? Why … why didn’t you not try and fuck off back to St. Louis?”
“Because that’s not who I am.”
“I wanted to h-hate you. But now … I think I h-h-hate her … instead.”
And instead of that sending me sobbing with him, clarity seeps in. “No. You don’t.”
“But—”
“You’re allowed to be upset. But neither of us hate her. Loving her doesn’t hurt me. Like having a relationship with me isn’t betraying her.”
His crying deepens. He clings to me tighter.
And for the first time ever since meeting Kasen, we don’t feel like a work in progress.
We feel like we work.
I stay for longer than I’d planned to. Long after he’s calmed down, and I’m able to look around his room and piece together more of the things that make up who he is.
Kasen lounges on his bed, watching me move through his space, and after a long stretch of silence between us, finally asks, “What was my mom like? In school?”
I pick up a picture of them together, and my lips tug into a smile. “You.”
“What?”
“She was like you. It used to scare me sometimes, how easily she’d win our arguments. She was the kind of person people gravitated to because she was smart without being cocky about it. She was confident without it being showy. And she was a genuinely nice person.”
Kasen snorts. “When have I ever been a nice person to you?”
“In all those small moments you forget to hate me.”
He eyes me for a moment. “You know I don’t though, right? Hate you.”
“I know. And I know one day that you might even love me.”
“What, like you love me?” he asks in a mocking tone.
“Exactly.”
The smart-ass expression falls away. “Maybe … I sort of already do.”
My heart squeezes with all the hope I try to keep hidden. “That’s good enough for me.”