Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
TAI
Ihead outside with the two coffees in hand, and Hawke leans across the passenger seat of his car to throw the door open for me. He hasn’t stopped humming since he picked me up, and no matter how many times I ask what’s up, he shakes off the question.
I hand over his coffee and watch as he takes a sip. “How is it?”
“Good, why?”
Some of the tension leaves me. “Dad wanted to give it a try.”
“He made that?”
“Mostly, yeah.”
“Couldn’t taste the difference.”
I finally take a sip of my own, and Hawke is right. Dad did good. “Will I ever stop being a pedantic stress head over him?”
“Nope.” He gives my knee a squeeze before starting the car. “But I think it’s sweet.”
“At least someone does.”
Hawke’s still wearing that ridiculous smile.
“Where are we going?”
“To our spot.”
“Really?” His happiness must be infectious because it sets up camp in my chest as well. “Any reason?”
“Do I need a reason?”
“No, but the weird mood and going there makes me think there might be.”
He turns his head to throw his grin my way again, eyes creased behind his sunglasses. “Since when is being happy weird?”
“Since you called me and said I had five minutes to get my ass dressed, or you’d drag me out of the house in a towel if you had to.”
Hawke cackles. “Kinda wish you weren’t so speedy.”
“I’d already been home from practice for an hour. Of course I was showered and dressed.”
He doesn’t answer, but he’s still radiating that too-happy, almost smug energy, and I really don’t know how to take it. He’s being an adorable fool, and when I compare this Hawke with the one who came back to town a few months ago, the difference is night and day.
How the hell am I going to say goodbye?
We hit the dirt track, and I push that firmly to the back of my mind. I refuse to bring any worries with me, and there are still a few weeks until Hawke leaves, so I need to soak up all the time with him I can get.
Sunset is already kicking in by the time we get to the river, and Hawke pulls up in the empty parking lot, cutting the engine and climbing out of the car to go and sit on the hood.
I join him, and this time, we sit shoulder to shoulder, soaking in each other’s warmth, coffee cupped in my hands in front of me.
“It’s been a big day,” he finally says.
“Yeah?” I tilt my head to look at him, the sunset giving his face an orange glow.
“Gigi and I went out to lunch. It was fun. Told her a bunch of things … about you.”
I study his face, trying to work out if he means me in general, or me as in us. “Like what?”
He chokes on a laugh. “Like how I’ve been in love with you basically since we met and I was too young and stupid to realize.”
That word again. We’ve avoided it since the one time it came up, but hearing it now has my heart going all funny. This isn’t a confession. He said it more like a fact. “That makes two of us.”
Hawke reaches for my hand without looking, and when my fingers slide between his, it feels right. “I don’t want to leave.”
The words make me freeze. “But … but you have to.”
“I know.”
I’m too scared to let hope sneak in. “Maybe … in three years …”
He pushes his sunglasses up into his hair and turns to face me. “I can’t wait three years, Tai. I can’t. Leaving the first time almost killed me, and I can’t go back to that. I need you in my life.”
“But—”
“All I need to know is that you want this too. Boyfriends, commitment, the whole thing.”
I want to jump in with both feet and not think about the rest, but ignoring our problems doesn’t make them automatically go away. “So, what? We do long distance for three years?” It’s not that I won’t, but it also won’t be easy, no matter how much we love each other.
His hand tightens in mine. “St. Louis is about to offer Lachlan Kikishkin a really big contract. We’ve got some other up-and-comers, and our team has a lot of depth. Montreal, however …”
I latch onto the suggestion. “Is only two hours away.”
“And is a team with an out player on their lineup, so I won’t get any shit there. They have the space for me.”
I squeeze his hand back. “And you really think St. Louis will let you go?”
“Not this season. But we have some strong defensemen up for renewals next year, and they could use the cap space.”
“But … everyone says St. Louis is heading for the Stanley Cup finals in the next few years. You’d miss that. You’d walk away from your career, never having won the Cup. Isn’t that the whole point?”
Hawke watches me for a really long time. “I used to think so.”
“Used to?”
“I know better now. You’re the whole point, Tai.
You and Kasen. Being with the people I love.
In Montreal, I’d be two hours away. Maybe less.
Every weekend I’m home, we could spend together.
You and Kasen could drive up for home games.
I could drive down whenever I have a few days off. It … it would be perfect.”
“It might not happen.”
“I know Coach. When I tell him about Kasen, when I lay it all out, I know he’ll use this next year to make it all happen.”
“And if it doesn’t?” I’m trying so, so hard not to get excited, but having Hawke only two hours away? Being able to keep my job and stay close to Dad and still have him in my life? It feels too good to be true, but now that Hawke has put it out there, I want it more than anything.
“If it doesn’t, we come up with a new plan. And then another one. And another one. We don’t stop until we’re together. For real. I’m not giving up on this, and this time, I need you to be all in as well.”
“I can’t lose you again either.” If it takes us all the way to plan Z, I’ll do it. I’m in this. No running away this time. “And what about your pretty house?”
“There are houses in every city.” He cups my face. “But there’s only one you. Fuck the house. Fuck St. Louis. Fuck everything that will keep us apart. Ten years couldn’t stop us, Tai. So nothing will.”
Just hearing those words is like everything I’ve ever needed being handed to me.
Hawke wants me. The relief that floods my body is so heavy I sag forward, head on his shoulder, and let him hold me up like he’s been doing ever since he got back.
I’m getting better about doing it for myself, but part of that is accepting help when I need it.
And I’ll always need it from him.
“I love you so much,” I tell him, and for the first time, the pain is absent from the words.
“I love you too,” he whispers, large hand stroking my hair. “And I’m never leaving you again.”