Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
TAI
I’m not going to pretend saying goodbye is easy, but when I look back over the summer, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Hawke is back in my life, Dad is painting, I’m getting my ass to therapy, and it finally feels like that shadow over my life is shifting.
I’m still working hard, still worrying over Dad, but knowing that I have people to talk to and a home I can breathe in is making all the difference.
As long as I don’t focus on it being a few months before I see Hawke again.
“Got everything?” I check as he wheels his luggage to the check-in counter.
“Think so.” Hawke glances over at Kasen. “And don’t delete my number.”
Kasen smirks, but it’s more playful than it usually is. He’s been threatening it during the whole drive here, but he’s only trying to get under Hawke’s skin. Which, in teenage talk, is basically an I love you. “Don’t do anything annoying, and I won’t delete it.”
Hawke scoffs. “I’m already banned from using lol. What else is there?”
“The smile or heart hands emoji, getting emotional, and sending more than one text without a reply.”
Hawke laughs and wraps his arm around Kasen’s neck before pulling him in to plant a kiss on his hair. “And you know I plan on doing every single one of those things now, right?”
Kasen shakes his head. “I can’t believe my friends think you’re cool.”
“They have good taste,” I say. As far as I’m concerned, Hawke is the coolest. “Now, show your dad some love, or I’m going to give you extra burpees on the first day back in the gym.”
“It should be illegal for my dad and coach to be boyfriends,” he groans, but he does sling his arms loosely around Hawke. He can pretend to hate the hug Hawke gives him all he likes, but I don’t miss the way he turns away from us both when Hawke releases him.
We wait for Hawke to check his luggage, then move toward security.
This moment has been coming all summer, and I know I can handle it this time.
It doesn’t make it easy, exactly, but that chest-hollowing feeling is absent, and even though I’m sad, and I’m going to miss him, it’s a thousand times better than it could have been.
Kasen says goodbye, then flicks a look my way. “I’m thirsty. Gonna go grab a water. Meet you out the front?”
I nod, and we both watch Kasen disappear before I turn back to Hawke.
“I’m trying to work out if it’s easier or harder to say goodbye to you now that we’re dating.”
“Definitely easier. There’s no way I could have gotten on that plane with everything still up in the air.”
“Punny.”
He cracks a smile. “Didn’t mean it to be.”
“Are you going to tell everyone about Kasen once you’re back?”
Hawke scrubs a hand through his hair. “Not really. Some of the team knows, obviously, but Kasen wants to get his name out there a bit first. He’s only fourteen and about to really step into the hockey world.
It’s going to be a big adjustment, and he doesn’t need all the other scrutiny that will hit when people find out he’s some kind of secret love child or whatever.
” Hawke huffs, and his eyes stray the way Kasen left.
“If anyone straight up asks, it’s not like we’ll hide it, but we don’t want it turning into a big deal.
Fans and media aren’t great with boundaries, and I think he needs a bit of space from everything he’s gone through first.”
“That’s smart.” I nudge him. “Look at you, being a good dad.”
“Had to get something right eventually.”
I know he’s joking, but when it comes to Kasen, Hawke gets more right than not these days. “You’ve come a long way.”
“Yeah. I think I have.”
“I mean, Kasen can stand the sight of you now, so I think that’s a massive improvement.”
He laughs, hands reaching for my waist and tugging me toward him. “When I flew home this summer, I had no clue I’d be leaving as a dad and a boyfriend.”
“Any complaints?”
“Only that I didn’t get to do all of this sooner.”
On one hand, I agree with him, but when I think back to who we were and how much has changed, I keep coming back to the same conclusion.
This couldn’t have happened at any other time.
I was never in a good place with myself, and Hawke had a whole career to build.
As teenagers, we would have crashed and burned, and not only would I have lost him, but I wouldn’t have had the chance to get to know Kasen.
So, yeah, the years apart were torture.
But we’re finally in a position where nothing can stop us. No distance, no time apart, no careers. We’re making this work.
“I’m going to miss you,” I murmur.
His rough hand cradles my cheek. “I’m going to text and call you so much you’ll never have the chance.”
I laugh, knowing it doesn’t work that way, but so happy we can pretend.
Our jobs will keep us busy, and I have plans to build Dad a studio in the backyard so he can get away from the stacks of canvases in the spare bedroom.
Hawke will be running at a thousand as soon as the season starts, and through all the chaos of our lives, we’ll have those markers ahead of us to look forward to.
His visits home, school vacations when I can fly out and see him, and that dangling carrot of Montreal that we both have everything crossed will happen.
This next year is all about getting the pieces in place for us all. Kasen and his hockey. Hawke and his career. Me and Dad with our bills and therapy and looking into a home nurse to give me the option for time away.
For the first time in longer than I can remember, I’m actually positive about the future. And not the fake kind of positive I’ve always clung to.
“I need to go,” he murmurs.
“You do.”
“A couple of months is nothing, right?”
Without him? It actually feels painful at this point, but I play along. “You’ll be so busy that you’ll blink and be back again.”
“Fuck, I hope.”
“A bazillion messages, remember?”
“Every day.” He tugs me into a kiss, and I cling to each second like it’s a lifeline. Knowing this is the last time we’ll kiss, touch, breathe in the same air for months makes it really fucking hard to pull away.
But we eventually do. Slowly, like we’re fighting those magnets that have been dragging us together our whole lives.
“I’ll message you as soon as I land.”
I kiss him softly one more time. Just because he’s here and I can. “Okay.” I take a step back. “We can do this.”
“We can.”
He says it so easily, with so much conviction, that I believe it too. My smile tugs at my lips. “You better go.”
“I better go.”
“Before I don’t let you.”
He laughs, leans in for another, final kiss.
“Fuck, I love you,” I mutter against his lips.
“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” His forehead touches mine. “I love you so much I’m dangerously close to not getting on that plane.”
As much as I’d love that, I know it can’t happen. I pull back and give Hawke a little shove toward security.
Then I have to watch him walk away again.
Knowing that this time, he will definitely come back.