Chapter 21 – Gentry
twenty-one
GENTRY
Sunlight beamed through the window rousing me from a beautiful dream.
Only I wished it wasn’t just a dream.
Ainsleigh and I were happy and together. We were living in our own home, and it felt so real. Only I knew it wasn’t.
There were still so many unanswered questions. So many things we still needed to discuss.
I wanted—no, needed to figure out a way to get Ainsleigh to open up to me to figure out where her head was at. But I also needed to figure out where my head was at. I needed to figure out what I truly wanted.
I had two choices.
I could fight for her, fight for us.
Or I could walk away and wonder for the rest of my life if I’d made the right choice.
I never thought I’d get a chance with her again.
And I was okay with that if she was happy.
Now that she was back and I’d gotten a small taste of her, I was conflicted.
I didn’t want my heart to get hurt again, but I didn’t know how I could stay away.
Oh, the conundrum I was in.
She stirred in my bed, and I wished I was lying next to her.
I rolled slightly and peered at the clock on the nightstand.
It was only a little after six in the morning, and a thought entered my mind.
I wanted to do something nice for her. Something that involved just the two of us.
After throwing on a pair of sweats and a white T-shirt, I slipped on my tennis shoes and made my way out of the loft.
I snuck into the house to find the kitchen empty just as I thought it would be. On the weekends, everyone in the family slept in since they had hired hands come in on Saturday and Sunday every week to feed the horses and do the guided tours and family activities.
I put coffee on to perk while I cooked the food.
I whipped up bacon, eggs, and pancakes then cut strawberries, putting all the food in containers so that it was easier to carry back to the loft.
I grabbed paper plates and utensils from the pantry that could easily be tossed in the trash when we were finished.
I put the coffee into a thermos and grabbed packets of sugar and creamer that Lillian kept on hand for to-go cups.
I carried breakfast back to the loft, ready to surprise my girl.
I noticed Ainsleigh had rolled over on her side facing away from the door, still sleeping soundly, when I entered the loft.
I sat the tray on top of my dresser and got to work plating our food.
I grabbed a couple Styrofoam cups and poured our coffee, making hers just the way she liked it.
A lot of sugar and creamer with a little coffee.
I’d never understand how she drank it this sweet, but who was I to say what her taste buds enjoyed?
Once everything was ready, I carried both of our plates over and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Good morning, beautiful,” I said, trying to rouse her from her slumber.
She grunted but didn’t move.
“It’s time to get up, sleepyhead,” I whispered as I sat one plate down on the bed and rubbed her shoulder.
“It’s too early,” she grumbled.
“I have a surprise for you,” I said, trying to coax her.
“Does this surprise involve me getting out of bed?”
“All you need to do is roll over and sit up,” I said with a laugh.
“Do I smell coffee?”
“You’ll have to roll over to find out.”
I grabbed the plate from the bed so she didn’t make a mess of it.
With a groan, she rolled over, her blonde hair spilling in front of her face.
She pushed it out of her face with a huff and stared over at me, patting the covers in her lap.
Ainsleigh Courtright would probably never be a morning person, but I couldn’t resist doing this for her. Having her all to myself for just a little while before she set out to do whatever she had planned for the day with Dylan and Aspen.
“What’s all this?” she asked, her voice raspy from just waking up.
“I wanted to do something nice for you. Thought maybe I could make you breakfast in bed and we could finish the conversation we started last night,” I confessed, hoping to hide the hopefulness in my voice.
I handed over the plate of food and leaned over to the nightstand then handed her the cup of coffee.
She placed the plate in her lap on top of the covers, then took the cup in both hands and took a long sip of coffee. She moaned at the taste, and I diverted my thoughts at the sound.
She took another long sip before handing the cup over to me.
I placed it on the nightstand next to mine.
“This is sweet of you,” she said as she took a bite of the eggs.
“It’s nothin’. Just thought we could enjoy each other’s company instead of hidin’ from each other today,” I confessed, taking a bite from my plate.
“What did you want to talk about?” she asked as she took another bite.
“How’s your eggs? I didn’t know if you’d want scrambled or fried so I took a gamble and scrambled them with cheese.”
I wouldn’t tell her that I basically did rock, paper, scissors to determine which I should make. She didn’t need to know that embarrassing detail.
“They’re perfect. But I doubt you wanted to talk about how the eggs taste.” She smirked as she sat the fork on her plate, waiting for me to talk about what I really wanted to.
“You’re right. I just thought I could bring up somethin’ easy first before I dove into the heavy conversation.”
“You know I’d rather you just come out with it, right?”
I did know, but I didn’t want to spook her. Not when we seemed to be getting along.
“Yeah, I know. What are your plans, Ainsleigh?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you plan on staying? Are you leaving again? What do you want for your future?”
I took a bite of my food so I wouldn’t throw more questions at her before she could even blink. I also needed the distraction to calm my racing mind.
She pointed to her coffee cup, and I grabbed hers as well as my own. I needed something in my hands to distract me from pulling her into my arms while we had this conversation.
She took a sip and closed her eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was to enjoy the taste or to give her more time to come up with the answers I longed to hear.
I waited for a beat. Then another. Then another.
It felt like time stood still, and I couldn’t breathe as I waited for her response.
It felt like a thousand minutes passed before she finally looked over at me.
Worry etched on her face as she opened her mouth then closed it. Like she struggled to find the right words.
“Can you listen to my entire answer before you say anythin’?” she asked as she worried her lip between her teeth. Her telltale sign that she was worried about my reaction to her response. She always did that years ago, and seeing her reaction, my heart rate quickened.
“Y-es,” I choked out.
“I don’t want to give you the short answers to those questions. I want to give you a thought-out response because I feel like you of all people deserve it. Before I came home, I wanted so desperately to find a job in Virginia, so I had a reason not to return.”
I tried to keep the expression on my face as neutral as possible as she took a long breath before she continued. I wasn’t sure if I succeed, but I still tried. She told me to wait for her to finish and I was trying so hard to follow through.
“Now that I’m back, I’m remembering why I love it here.
I’m remembering why I wanted to go off to college to feel accomplished so I could come home and make this ranch the best it could possibly be.
So, to answer your first question. Do I plan on staying?
I’m leaning toward staying in Texas. My family is so happy I’m back home.
I’m loving reconnecting with everyone and seeing how happy my parents are now that I’m home. ”
She didn’t mention me, and I tried not to let that hurt. But it did. More than it should.
“I just don’t know what I want anymore. Do I see myself working on this ranch like you and my brothers?
I can picture it. But on the other hand, I’m not sure if I want to see what else is out there.
Is there something better out there where my heart would be just as happy?
I don’t know. Everything I’ve applied to aside from one position has chosen another candidate, and that makes me feel like I have no other options but to work on the ranch, and I hate feeling like I’m saddled to be here.
Leaving here helped me see what’s outside of this ranch.
On one hand, I know that I could make a difference here, but on the other, I just want to keep my options open. ”
She took another deep breath along with a sip of her coffee before she handed the cup back to me. Taking a bite of her food, she slowly chewed the bite of pancake before she continued.
I took a moment to let her answers sink in. I felt like she had one foot out the door. I only wanted happiness for her. Even if that happiness didn’t include me.
Closing my eyes, I thought long and hard about how to respond.
I thought about how her answers made me feel.
My heart longed to give her a reason to stay.
To show her how much being here would make her happy.
But I was hyper-focused on how she never once mentioned me in her confession.
How I didn’t even rank as part of her reason for staying.
And my head told me to cut my losses. To forgive her for leaving, but to not let her get close.
Right now, I wanted nothing but to pull her into my arms, but my wounded pride wouldn’t allow me.
I nodded and remained silent, because knowing me, if I responded right now, I would only say things that I didn’t mean. Words I couldn’t take back.
My fingers clutched the paper plate in my hand, and we ate the rest of our breakfast in silence. The food tasted like metal in my mouth, but I finished every bite because I needed to do something with my hands instead of shaking her and making her see what she just couldn’t yet.
She belonged here. But she had to realize that on her own.
After she finished her food, I took the plate from her and stood. I walked over and threw the plate into the trash can and busied myself with putting the lids back on the containers so I could take them back to the main house.
Her hand touched my shoulder, and I tensed.
I was in my head too much to talk to her right now. I pleaded to myself that she took the hint at my nonresponse and walked away.
“I’m sorry if what I said wasn’t what you wanted to hear. I just want to be as honest with you as possible. Hurting you was never my intention,” I heard her say but I remained standing with my back to her.
A few moments later I heard the door shut, and I turned toward the sound and screamed out my frustration.
I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. I couldn’t have her this close and remain sane. I couldn’t have her this close and not have her with me.
I just needed to figure out if I would fight for her or allow her to walk away.