Chapter 22 – Ainsleigh
twenty-two
AINSLEIGH
I’d have loved nothing more than to stay there with Gentry for the rest of the day, but I got the impression that he needed his space after my confession.
My heart was so torn. I loved being back home.
I loved helping on the ranch. I didn’t even know what I was fighting for anymore.
I didn’t know if I wanted to find a job elsewhere or if I wanted to stay and fight for my rightful place on my family ranch.
I’d never felt this conflicted before, and I loathed the feeling.
I disliked the not knowing of it all.
While I was away at college, I had every detail mapped out.
The structure helped with the anxiety and being away from home.
But if I looked into it further, ever since the loss of her, I needed the mundaneness of it all.
Before losing her precious soul, I was spontaneous, loved making decisions on the fly, but now even thinking about being the old version of myself made my heart rate rise and my hands clammy.
I stopped walking when I got to the end of the path that led to the barn and looked down at my phone.
The date caused me to gasp.
How had I not realized that today was Bella’s birthday?
Tears welled in my eyes, and I didn’t stop them from falling.
I couldn’t break down here. Not when I had to potentially face my parents when I entered the house.
Without a second thought, I ran up the porch stairs and into the house.
No one was in sight which was a blessing.
I didn’t want them to stop me and make me explain the emotions that were clear on my face.
Quickly, I made my way through the house and up to my room. Throwing on a pair of shorts and an oversized baby doll shirt, I slid on a pair of flip flops and threw my hair in a messy bun.
I didn’t bother looking in the mirror, because where I was going no one would judge me for my attire.
I raced down the stairs and grabbed the keys to my SUV before I headed out the front door.
I stopped just as I took the first step down the stairs.
Gentry.
He’d been so nice to me this morning, making me breakfast and his intentions were so pure.
I had to go back and find him. We needed to remember this day together.
I raced around the side of the house, and ran the entire way to the barn.
Pulling the barn door back, I didn’t bother shutting it as I took the steps to the loft two at a time.
My breath heaved as I lifted my hand and knocked on the door.
When no answer came, I tried the doorknob and since it wasn’t locked, I let myself inside.
But Gentry was nowhere to be found.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed his number, frantic to find him so I we could be there for each other today.
Only he didn’t answer.
I let out a sigh and shook my head, mentally berating myself for everything I said this morning.
Gentry deserved my honesty, but he also deserved so much more from me than the indecisive answers I kept giving him. I needed to make up my mind.
I sent him a text letting him know that I wanted to talk to him, and let myself out of his room, making sure the door was shut behind me.
I wanted us to go here together, but I didn’t want to put off going. Before I could try and talk myself out of it, I walked in the direction of my Jeep.
Taking a deep breath once I got to my Jeep, I opened the door and climbed inside.
My palms grew sweaty as the realization hit me on where I was heading.
With shaky hands, I placed the key in the ignition and started the vehicle.
I put the Jeep in reverse and backed out of the parking spot, coming to a stop once I faced the direction to go down the driveway.
I could still turn around and go to my room.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I used every ounce of strength I had to put the Jeep in drive and headed toward my destination.
Twenty minutes later, I pulled through the wrought iron gates of the cemetery. Even though I hadn’t been to this spot in years, I knew the way. I’d never forget where she was buried as long as I lived.
My heart rate picked up the closer I got.
The tree came into view first.
It was a gorgeous weeping willow tree that sat off to the right.
The spot was picked because of the beauty of it.
She’d always have a beautiful resting place if nothing else.
The tears started just as I pulled up beside it and shut off the Jeep.
I didn’t bother wiping them away. More would come the moment I reached her headstone.
I got out but didn’t bother taking the keys out of the ignition.
No one would bother me here. On unsteady legs, I walked toward her.
There was only one headstone directly under the tree.
Moving its beautiful branches out of the way, I stepped under the tree and it came into view.
A bench sat off to the left, something that was placed here long after I was in Virginia.
Sitting in front of the stone, I read the name that was printed in big, bold letters.
Arabella Faith Parkhurst.
A beautiful name for a beautiful little girl.
My hand reached up and traced each letter as more tears escaped. I could barely see the letters to finish tracing them. Once I was done, my mind and body were spent. I laid down in front of the headstone and cried harder than I had since the day we’d lost her.
A day that instantly came to the forefront of my mind.
“Mom, there’s no way I’m going to be able to fit into this dress,” I yelled into the hall so my mom could hear me.
I’d gained no more weight than when I’d tried it on, but I was bigger than I was a month ago. The skin of my stomach now stretched to the max, and I had four more weeks to go. There was no way I was going to make it that long. She’d be here long before that due date, I just knew it.
“You’ll look just as beautiful as the day you tried it on. Now put it on so I can see how it looks,” my mother said as she came into the room to help me get ready.
She shut the door behind her so I could take off my nightgown and get dressed without one of my brothers walking in.
I unbuttoned my nightgown and slipped off the cotton material. I held up my arms, and my mother helped me slip the black cotton material over my head. She pulled the dress down to cover my stomach. The dress hit just above my knees. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel tight like I’d assumed.
“See, you look beautiful,” my mother replied as she turned me to face the mirror on my closet.
I took in my reflection. The dress was a simple black cotton sundress.
I should’ve gotten something dressier, but no other material felt good on my stomach other than cotton.
No one would see it anyway, with my graduation gown covering it.
I got a pair of flat black dressy sandals to match so I would be able to comfortably walk across the stage.
Turning around, my hand hit the bottle of perfume that sat on the edge of my vanity. Without thinking, I bent forward and tried to catch it before it hit the ground.
I felt a sudden twinge in my stomach that felt like a pop before I let out a scream at the pain that it caused. The pain was so severe it brought me to my knees and caused me to curl up in a ball.
“Momma, something is wrong,” I screamed as she rushed to my side.
She screamed for someone to help as she tried to assure me it was okay.
That was when I felt wetness between my legs.
I reached down to check and see if it was just my water that had broken.
Only when I brought my hand up it was covered in a stain of red.
My hand shook at the reality of the situation.
Something was wrong.
Very wrong.
I felt it in the pit of my cramping stomach as I continued to stare at my blood-stained hand.
Suddenly, Holden was there. In my room. At my side.
“Sis, it’s going to be okay. I’m going to pick you up, and we’re going to get you to the hospital. I’m gonna need you to remain calm and breathe for me, okay,” he said as I felt his hands go underneath my body and lift me up in his arms.
A scream of pain tore from me at the movement. Tears might’ve been falling down my cheeks. I wasn’t sure. I only knew everything was blurry and that there was pain. So much excruciating pain and blood. This couldn’t be happening.
Holden climbed into the back of my mom’s Jeep. He held me in his arms. Somehow without putting me down.
“You need to hang in there for me, Ainsleigh. Mom is going to get us there before we know it, and you’re going to be just fine. So is little miss Arabella.”
I choked over the cries. This pain wasn’t right. My body felt so heavy.
“Just keep breathing for me and concentrate on my voice,” he said as he rubbed his thumb up and down my arm.
I tried. I really did. But I felt so weak. So tired. All I wanted to do was rest my eyes. I closed them and felt myself slipping away.
The last thing I remembered was Holden screaming for my mom to drive faster and for me to wake up.
The crunching of the grass brought me out of my thoughts as I pushed myself up to see who was here.
Holden.
His pain-filled gaze stared past me at her headstone as he walked the rest of the way and sat behind me, pulling me into his arms.
I leaned back into him and shifted to my side, burrowing my head into his arm.
I sobbed.
A gut-wrenching sob that needed to break free.
I cried for all the moments that I’d never get to have with my little girl.
For never seeing her take her first breath.
For never hearing that joyous first cry that every parent waited with bated breath to hear.
For never getting to know her personality or hear her laughter.
For never hearing her first word and never getting to see her look at me and call me mama.
For never getting to put Band-Aids on her boo boos and kissing them all better.