Chapter 22 – Ainsleigh #2
I cried for the heartbreak I’d caused the love of my life when I left. I cried for the pain I’d caused my family by not staying when they begged me not to leave. But most of all, I cried for me and the broken pieces of me that I hadn’t let heal by losing the one thing I always wanted to have.
Ever since I was fifteen and in love with Gentry, I saw our future together. While we got pregnant sooner than I’d have liked, we were both so excited to bring our little girl into the world. But we were robbed of that moment, and I didn’t know how to overcome my grief to move forward with my life.
I wanted to. God, did I want to. I wanted to stop being this shell of myself.
I wanted to finally figure out what I wanted out of life.
But that felt like moving on from her. It felt like I’d be leaving her behind.
Like I’d be forgetting her. And I just couldn’t let go of the pain.
I held it so tight within me that I became someone I didn’t recognize when I looked in the mirror.
Holden rocked back and forth and rubbed his hand up and down my back as I broke free of the tormenting thoughts.
I pulled away from him, and without looking at him, I wiped away the remnants of my tears. Closing my eyes, I caught my breath and slowed my breathing.
Once I felt calm enough, I turned myself fully around, crossed my legs, and looked into Holden’s tear-filled eyes.
His face was wet from tears of his own, and seeing his pain broke another piece of me that I didn’t know if I had any pieces left to give to break.
This was the second time in my life I’d seen him cry. The first was when we lost Arabella.
My mouth opened and closed. I didn’t know what to say. How to explain how I felt in this moment.
“You sounded like you needed to break down just now,” he said, with so much emotion in his voice.
He didn’t swipe away the tears that still fell.
He let them fall with no care that I was seeing his emotions.
I wished I could be that way. But I’d held my emotions so tight to the vest the past four years, I didn’t know how to outwardly show them without allowing them to consume me.
I could only nod, because if I spoke, I didn’t know if I could stop confessing it all. And Holden didn’t need to hear me break even further. He’d seen enough.
“Can I ask you a question, Ainsleigh?” he warily asked.
I feared where this conversation was heading, but if I had any chance of healing, I knew I’d need to answer his questions.
“Did you allow yourself to feel your grief so you could overcome it?”
He finally wiped away his tears as he waited for me to respond.
I could lie. I should make up something, anything, other than admitting what I’d failed to do while I was away. If Leo or Brooks were the ones sitting here, I might’ve had a chance to lie. But I couldn’t with Holden. He’d always managed to see right through me.
Instead of attempting to put into words what I couldn’t, I shook my head, looking at the ground because looking into his eyes while he processed my admission was something I couldn’t face.
“Did you talk to someone? A professional?”
“I did. It helped some, but I stopped going a couple of months after I started. I just couldn’t keep repeating the cycle every week.
I felt like it was hindering me from being happy.
I use some of her techniques to calm myself, but I was away from everyone who brought me comfort, and I wasn’t close enough with Aspen and Dylan yet to put all of my grief on our newfound friendship, so I bottled it up, only allowing myself to feel or remember my pain when I was alone at the end of the night,” I confessed all while still looking at the ground.
“Look at me, Ainsleigh,” he said in the softest voice.
My eyes met his as I waited for him to continue.
“What do you want out of life? What are your dreams?”
His line of questioning shocked me because I wasn’t expecting him to ask them.
“I know where I saw my life heading. You’re not going to like what I’m about to say, though, but just listen before you respond, okay?”
He nodded and waited for me to continue.
“Honestly, I never saw myself coming back here. Aside from holidays and the occasional visit, I wanted to find my way and stay in Virginia. I wanted to find a career in marketing and business and just live a quiet life. But coming back here, seeing everyone again, being back on this ranch, I’m conflicted. ”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t know if I can stay on the ranch. Everyone tiptoes around me. Facing the pain is so hard that I can’t breathe. I’m honestly shocked I had the courage to come to the cemetery today on my own.”
“You’ll never fully heal if you don’t face it, Ainsleigh.
You have no idea how long it took me to heal.
If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I am, but I’d like to think I’m better than I used to be.
You have no idea how long I blamed myself.
How I wished I could’ve done more. I held you in my arms and thought we were going to lose you both.
How I had nightmares and felt like I still had your blood on my arms. I’d wake up and jump in the shower and scrub at something that wasn’t there. That day haunted me for a long time.”
I never knew.
I should’ve known. I should’ve been here to help him through this. To help all of them through this. The way I knew they would’ve helped me.
Running did this.
Hearing his confession made me realize I couldn’t run from my grief any longer.
I needed to fully heal. How I started that process, I wasn’t sure.
Should I leave and lose my family again?
I wanted to make more memories with them.
No one was promised tomorrow, and I didn’t want to squander away any more time by merely existing and not living.
Should I take my rightful spot on the ranch?
Or should I forge my own path? Would any of those decisions aid in my healing?
I wasn’t sure. I had a lot to think about.
I knew just where to go to ask for direction, but I hadn’t sought his help in so long, I wasn’t sure he’d hear me.
“I’m so sorry, Holden. I didn’t know you went through all that.
I was selfish. I was so stuck in my own grief, I didn’t consider anyone else’s.
I’ll go back to a therapist. I know you’re right.
I need to heal. It’s been too long, and I can’t live like this anymore.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings, or what path I’ll choose, but I do know that I need to move past losing her. I just don’t want to forget her.”
“You’ll never forget her. She’ll always be a piece of you. You'll always find a way to carry her with you.”
Taking a deep breath, I decided to open up a little more, create an olive branch between us, and show him just how I’d carried her with me every day.
“I’ll always have a piece of her with me,” I admitted as I moved my foot from beneath my leg.
In my haste to get here, I forgot to put on the concealer to hide my tattoos.
Showing this tattoo to Holden before Gentry’d seen it felt wrong, but I needed my brother to know I had a piece of her with me, and maybe me revealing something of this magnitude would allow us to grow close again.
“Is that what I think it is?” he asked as he looked down in awe of the tattoo on my right foot. I placed my foot in his lap so he could get a better look. He traced every line with the tip of his finger as he took in the sight of her tiny footprint that was forever etched onto my skin.
“I wanted her footprint on my foot so she could always walk everywhere with me,” I admitted and turned around to show him the other tattoo on my shoulder.
I jumped at his soft touch as he took the tip of his finger again and traced the tattoo the same way he had before. He placed his hand on top of hers and let out a shaky breath. I let him have this moment as he grieved the niece he'd lost that fateful day.
I told him the same thing I did Gentry on how I wanted her to always guide me down the right path. I had a feeling the reason I’d been so conflicted about coming home was that my daughter’s spirit was somehow guiding me down a path that always led me back here. Back home to where I belonged.
“Your tattoos are beautiful. I’m glad you have those pieces of her with you. How did I not see them the other day?”
“Waterproof concealer. I’ve hidden them here out of habit, since I did so in college so I wouldn’t have to constantly explain them,” I confessed.
Hearing my confession aloud made me regret not having shared my loss with my friends.
Right then, I decided I wouldn’t hide it anymore.
The start of my healing journey required me to be open about my daughter.
And not hiding the pieces of her on my skin was a good way to start.
“You shouldn’t hide something so beautiful.”
“I’m not anymore. As of today, I’m wearing them proudly,” I admitted with a smile. The first honest smile that’d graced my lips in the past four years.
“What’s going on with you and Gentry? And don’t lie to me, baby sis. I see the way y’all look at each other when you think no one’s looking,” Holden said, changing the subject with a laugh.
“You’re all about getting me to confess things today, aren’t you?” I joked as I pushed his shoulder. Thankful for the reprieve of discussing my emotions.
He pretended my push was harder than it was and fell to the ground, acting wounded.
“That’s what older brothers are here for.”
“If I tell you something you cannot, under any circumstances, repeat it. Got it?” I warned.
“Scout’s honor.” Only he wasn’t a boy scout. Far from it.
I took my chances and confessed it anyway.
“I’ve been harsher to him than I should’ve been.
We have these moments that feel like the past four years didn’t happen.
And then I wake up and go back to being guarded because I don’t want to give him false hope.
I still love him. God, do I still love that man.
I’ve never stopped, but I can’t break his heart again.
I can’t promise him forever when I’m still not a hundred percent sure I’ll stay.
I know I’ll end up here, where I belong, but he deserves for me to be one hundred percent all in, and I can’t give him that just yet. ”
Wow. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Getting that out felt like such a huge relief. I felt lighter than I had in four years.
“I figured you still loved him, and to be honest, I warned him against starting things over with you when you got home because I didn’t want you to have any reason to leave again.
If you’re not sure what your plans are, don’t string him along.
It took him a long time to heal when you left.
If you decide to stay, and you decide you want to be with him and give him your all, I’ll be happy for you both,” he responded.
When we were younger, he hated that Gentry and I were an item at first, because he didn’t want to lose his friend.
But as time wore on and he realized he wouldn’t lose Gentry, he accepted our relationship, even if he did razz Gentry from time to time.
“I’ll figure out where I want my life to go soon. I won’t hurt him again. He means too much to me to do that to him a second time.”
We both stood and looked down at Arabella’s headstone. He placed his hand on top of the marble and whispered a few words then stepped back, allowing me a moment with my daughter.
I knelt and closed my eyes, saying a little prayer for her before I kissed the top of the headstone.
“I’ll never forget you, sweet girl. Mommy loves you with everything that I am.”
I took one last look at her name on the headstone before I turned and walked back to my Jeep where Holden was waiting for me, leaning against the back of his truck.
“You okay to drive back home?” he asked, concern etched on his face.
“Yeah, I’ll be okay. And Holden,” I said as I reached out to grab his hand.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for today. Thank you for being there for me when I thought I needed to do this alone. Thank you for helping me realize so many things that I needed help deciding. You’re the best brother a girl could ask for,” I said, holding back tears.
He’d never know just how much I'd needed him today.
“Anytime, baby sis. I’ll always be here for you. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you can be,” he joked as he ruffled the bun on top of my head.
We both laughed as we walked away, him getting in his truck and me getting in my SUV.
I started the vehicle, and rested my head against the back of the seat, as I let out a long breath.
I had so many decisions to make, but thanks to Holden, I felt like I knew where my future was meant to be. Now I just needed to figure out how to make the dreams I had for myself a reality.