Chapter 14 #2
She stepped out and closed both doors behind her, so she and Ethan wouldn’t wake anyone with their voices.
The strumming stopped and Ethan got up off the porch swing and leaned his guitar against the railing.
“I didn’t know if we were still on for this,” she said, “with everything else.” She only looked at him for a second, then crossed the porch to lean on the railing, arms straight, eyes on the layers of color in the sky.
Night had fallen. The sky was turning from purple to blue to indigo, meeting the rolling meadows and trees.
A full moon was just beginning to crest the distant horizon.
The night air smelled of horses, dry Texas ground, and the yellow roses blooming nearby.
“Figured I’d enjoy coming out, either way. ”
He came to stand beside her, but he didn’t say anything, and when she turned to search his face, he didn’t return her gaze. He looked out at the view, like she’d been doing. But she didn’t think he was really seeing it.
“Is everything…okay?” she asked.
He shook his head, still not looking at her.
She pressed a palm to his cheek to turn him her way, then she searched his eyes, and thought they might have been moist. Over a brother he’d never known he had?
“I’m so sorry, Ethan. It’s no wonder if you’re messed up.”
He took a deep breath, then he said, “I sent you the options we have to go over.” He nodded toward the iPad, lying atop the porch rail.
Lily frowned. “Don’t you think we should talk first?”
He shook his head slightly. “About what? My half-brother is apparently a killer. Runs in the family. If I wasn’t expectin’ that, I should’ve been. Blood will tell, isn’t that what they say?”
“It didn’t in you.” His attitude surprised her and ticked her off a little bit. He was acting almost flippant. Like he was working really hard not to give a single damn about his brother, what he was or wasn’t, what he’d done or hadn’t, why he’d run away when Ethan had come to meet him.
“I’m not a lawbreaker, it’s true. Raised by a lawman, so that stands to reason. But I’m still an asshole.” He finally met her eyes, gazed into them, and then shook his head sadly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Ethan. You’re a good man.”
He sighed. Then, “Why don’t you open the file I sent, and let’s make some choices?” He pushed off the railing, meeting her eyes only briefly, flashing a fake-as-hell smile, then returning to his spot on the porch swing, more distant than he’d been since they’d made love on the riverbank.
He had a glass of something on the little table next to the swing. Whiskey, maybe. She rarely saw him drink anything other than beer, and she’d never seen him drunk or even tipsy.
His voice was a little gravelly, but if he didn’t want to share his feelings, she supposed she couldn’t make him. She reached for her iPad, went to sit beside him on the swing. A few taps and there were four different table options on her screen. Each type had multiple color options.
Okay fine, business it was. “We haven’t talked about color scheme,” she said. “But since our tacos will be world famous, and in honor of Manny, and us being so close to the border, I was thinking we should keep the green, white, and red.”
He nodded. “I was thinkin’ the same.”
“The tables and chairs we took out of there and stored are so old you can’t match them anymore. Besides, they’re kind of…” She made a face.
He said, “Yeah,” and slid closer, leaning over her to start tapping options. “Round or square?”
“Square,” she said. “Round is cozier, but square is neater, and we need to keep it organized for maximum seating.”
He ticked the X on all the round tables.
“Wood or metal?”
“Wood holds smells. What do you think of that shiny silver one with the ceramic tiles?”
Ethan tapped a set to make it larger. The table had a stainless-steel frame and a white ceramic-tiled surface. The matching chair had a white vinyl cushion. “I don’t know if tacos go with white,” he said.
“For sure.” She leaned even closer to tap the color options tab, and a whole rainbow dropped down. “Has to be red or green,” she said. She tapped each color to see how it looked.
He said, “Why not both? We can put red inside and green outside or even mix ‘em up.”
“Oh, or group them in color blocks to mark the sections for wait staff!” she said, snapping her fingers. “I’m a little worried about breakage though, with ceramic.”
He reached across and tapped her screen, opening the detailed notes on the table.
“Says here’s they’re installed with cushioning under the tiles,” he said, “It reduces breakage risk, and they come with a lifetime warranty. A tile breaks, they’ll replace it.
” He glanced at her face. “This is your favorite, set, isn’t it? ”
She nodded, scrolling to the next section of the document, which displayed a dozen light fixtures. “Especially if we go with these.” She pulled the iPad her way and tapped and tapped.
After the light fixtures, they looked at the second cooler options for the kitchen and a smaller secondary cooking surface for special orders.
“I think we should let Hyram pick those,” Ethan said.
“Oh my gosh, he’ll love that!” She looked at him smiling. He’d become lighter the minute they’d focused on plans for the cantina. “Good then, I think that’s it.”
His eyes were on her face, and they turned serious. A hole bigger than the Gulf of Mexico opened up in her heart. Hell, he was going to end it between them once and for all, wasn’t he?
She set the iPad aside, took a breath, closed her eyes. “Whatever it is, just say it.”
She felt his palm on her cheek and opened her eyes again.
He held her gaze firmly and said, “I have to leave.”
The heartbreak in her eyes was plain as day, even though her expression didn’t change on the surface. It was subtle, and yet as clear as a shout. “Leave? Now ?”
He nodded. “Ang wants me out gigging to support the single. Big venues. And he’s flogging me for the next album.”
“Is he aware you can’t do both of those things at the same time?”
“I made him aware of it. But I had to admit I’m not writing a damn thing. Or haven’t been, till recently. So he’s found some promising freelance songwriters with pieces he wants me to try out.”
“But you wrote all the songs on your first album. People will expect?—”
“I know. But I had to weigh that against the power of strikin’ while the iron’s hot.
” Ethan knew he was full of shit, of course.
He didn’t want to leave; he had to leave.
That call had come in the nick of time to prevent him from driving a wedge into his family, if it wasn’t already too late.
“The new single will stay on the charts for a couple of months, but after that, I need to have something ready to go. At least another single. A new one.”
“Oh.”
The word was as heavy as if it had been coated in lead before she’d spoken it. And then, her head still lowered so he couldn’t see her eyes, she asked, “What about the honky-tonk?”
“I’m gonna have to ask you to manage the renovations without me.”
“But—”
“I know you can do it, Lily.”
She raised her head slowly. “I have no doubt I can do it. But you…I mean, we…” She got up onto her feet and walked a few steps away from him. Without turning to face him she said, “What about us? You drop this news on me like nothing has happened between us, but it has, and you can’t just pretend…”
Her voice had grown tighter, and he thought she didn’t leave the sentence unfinished on purpose.
He moved to stand behind her and slid his hands over her shoulders.
“I’m not pretendin’. I just need…” What did he need?
Say something, he thought. He needed to get away from her before he broke her heart and violated the bonds of his family.
It had been easier before, when he only saw her on holidays, and only for a couple of days at a time.
He could keep his hands off her for a couple of days at a time.
But now that they’d…this was unbearable. And just when he’d decided to give up, be with her and damn the consequences, his manager had given him a way out.
He thought all those things in the space of a heartbeat. Aloud he only said, “I need to do this. That’s all.”
“Why are you so sure being with me would end so bad it would tear up your family, Ethan? What is it about me that makes you?—”
“Nothin’! Nothin’ about you.” He spun her around and immediately knew what a huge mistake it was, because now he was face-to-face with her, falling into her huge blue eyes, right through the tears shimmering on their surface. “But I know it couldn’t work with us, not for long. I’m not…”
“Not what? Don’t stop, Ethan, please. That’s the longest sentence you’ve said to me since…ever. You’re not what?”
He lowered his head. “I’m not good enough for you. And believe me, Lily Ellen, I wish the hell I was.” He kissed her then, because he couldn’t help himself, and the fact that he couldn’t help himself solidified his decision.
She softened in his arms, melting against him, kissing him back, and that was his signal to let go.
He gazed into her eyes only briefly when they flicked open.
“I’m real sorry I’m hurtin’ you like this, Lily Ellen.
But just think how much worse it would’a been later.
” Then he turned and walked into the house, straight up the stairs into his bedroom, and closed the door.
He hadn’t even taken his guitar.
Lily had dropped Ethan’s abandoned guitar on the sofa on her way inside. Then she’d stopped by Chelsea’s liquor cabinet and taken a bottle of wine and a glass to her room. She drank most of it before crying herself to sleep.
So when she opened her eyes to the irritating and persistent birdsong right outside her open bedroom window, the room was blurry and her mouth felt like swamp muck. Her head ached. Her eyes were all sticky.