Chapter 7
Honor Gravehart
The sun was barely up, but the murders in my city were already up by three. I leaned against the brick of the slaughter mill and watched morning come in nice and comfy. The sun's rays bled through the fog like God making peace with my morning sins.
Just thirty minutes ago, I was standing in a room with seven niggas who didn't understand the pecking order of how this shit worked.
Crown killing Lynx then dipping for two months left a void in Ember Hills.
Naturally, niggas were hungry to fill it.
I could've stepped in and handled it when Crown first dipped, but that nigga wanted to beat his chest 'bout being his own man, so I stepped back, giving him the room to rise to the occasion.
The nigga never rose. He didn't even sprout.
The borough he was in charge of went haywire.
Everyone started gunning for the claim of the normally quiet borough.
Killian, being the unofficial borough president, couldn't have niggas acting stupid and bringing unwanted attention.
So, what this nigga do… hit my phone at the crack of dawn telling me it was my issue to fix or Lucian was gon' lose access to the docks.
Too much shit was already happening without the loss of the docks.
What Crown ignored was now my problem to solve.
Killian gathered the niggas who thought they deserved Lynx's spot and sent them to meet me at the slaughter mill. My plan was simple. Show up, regulate, send niggas packing, and head home to see Navy off for work.
Fucking simple, but of course niggas had to puff out their chest, like I wasn't the type of nigga to cave that shit in.
Three of 'em thought, because Crown was who they normally answered to, listening to me was beneath them.
That was a testament to how much room I gave Crown to do his own shit. These niggas didn't know better.
I laughed.
They laughed even harder, thinking shit was jokes… at least until I grabbed one of Wolfe's knives and removed their tongues. Three died, but the other four learned a valuable lesson. Respect wasn't optional. If I had to take it, so be it.
I stared at the sky, reliving what I've done, feeling sick and alive at the same time.
Sick from having to do that nasty shit, but alive from the kind of power only playing God could give.
Lucian didn't warn me about this part. It was never the killings that haunted you.
It's always the silence that swarms after.
The world kept spinning as if nothing had happened, like the blood on my hands meant nothing.
Those were the demons waiting for me whenever I closed my eyes.
But when open, the rush of holding life and death in my grasp canceled everything else out.
This wasn't supposed to be my life, yet it kept me breathing.
Every day, I questioned whether surviving was a blessing or a curse.
I shook off those thoughts, then let my head bow for a second, reciting a prayer that always tasted like guilt.
Lord, protect me in these streets. Forgive my wrongs and my mistakes. Guide me through the dark and the fight. Keep me strong in your light. Watch over my heart, my soul, my mind. Grant me peace and let mercy find me. Amen.
I let my eyes open, and everything felt off kilter. I glanced toward my hands, still stained with blood from niggas I knew nothing about.
Were they brothers… sons… fathers…
Shock hit me. Guilt and a twinge of regret replaced the trust I had in myself. Then Crown's voice cut through the tremors in my head.
"Say some wild shit like that again, and I'ma use what you taught me to put you down."
I swallowed hard, confused on why that came to mind.
"Put me down then, nigga! I'm right here! I'm right fucking here, Cortez! Put what I taught you to good use!" I shouted out loud, reliving the moment.
The anger drenching my words caved my chest in. I wanted to fucking die. I wanted Crown to keep his word and put me down, the same way I've done countless others, the way I did the three niggas whose names I didn't know.
"Fuck!" My heart thudded in my ribs. I dug my phone out of my pocket, blood smearing across the screen from my hands.
I quickly typed a message to the only person who still made sense in my world.
Me
I need you to say it.
After sending it, I curled over, hands digging into my knees. Every breath that tore out of me burned my lungs.
"You gotta breathe, nigga," I wheezed.
Without warning, tears stung my eyes. A few slipped just as my phone buzzed.
I pushed up from my knees, staring at the screen as her name appeared.
My eyes drifted past it, catching my broken reflection in the glass.
What I saw was the version of myself I buried six feet under. Today, he was clawing his way out.
"Wassup, beautiful?" I answered, my voice rougher than she was used to.
"I love you, Honor," she softly professed, calming the storm inside me.
"Fuck… Navy," I rasped, tearing the phone from my ear. When I brought it back, all I heard was Navy pouring into me.
"Love isn't supposed to be heavy, but for you it's always been heavier than necessary.
It's always felt like something you couldn't have.
A cookie you couldn't eat, a ladybug you couldn't catch.
Because of that, you tricked yourself into believing you're undeserving of it, but you are deserving of love in every way we're meant to experience it. "
Her words dug into me like roots being planted in the parts of me where beautiful things didn't grow.
"I know it's hard to believe, because until me, no one cared about being your safe place.
But with me, Honor, you're allowed to be broken.
" Navy's voice poured out of the phone, sweeter than honey.
"You're allowed to drop your armor and let the pieces you've buried come up for air.
The world isn't yours to carry alone. I'll help you. "
"How you gon' help me, Navy? We've been rocking since I was eleven and started dating when I turned sixteen.
We've been in each other's lives longer than we haven't, and I still…
" I let my frustration drift off. Talking about it wasn't gon' fix what was wrong with me.
Mentally, I was fucked up, while emotionally, I was scarred.
"Look, I just wanted to hear your voice… hear you say what makes all this worthwhile."
"Don't do that, Honor. The parts of you that hurt in your beautiful mind don't have to hide… not with me. Just say you'll fight, and I'll be by your side, fighting blind."
"Stay with me," I rasped, voice raw.
"I'm here," she vowed.
Silence took over, but it was needed. Instead of furthering a conversation that had already died, we exchanged breaths, each one another handful of dirt being thrown on the graves of my demons.
I pressed my back harder against the brick, letting the cool morning breeze bring me comfort how Navy's arms wrapped around me usually did.
My hands still shook, but even that was starting to pass.
I needed Navy, and this was why.
It's the reason I need her to understand that another bitch can't knock her out of her spot. Nothing another woman can do for me compares to Navy's voice filling the spaces inside me that Lucian spent years convincing me were empty.
The anger. The guilt. The grief. The struggle to breathe whenever control slipped from my grasp… Navy loosened the hold of it all the second she whispered I love you. There wasn't another woman alive who could do the same.
"I love you, Navy."
"I love you too."
"No, I don't think you understand how deep this shit is for me. Navy, I—"
Heaving a sigh, I turned around and let my head fall forward, forehead pressed against the bricks.
I didn't know why saying what I wanted to say was so fucking hard.
It was nothing for me to tell Navy that I loved her.
That came easily, but doing so in a way that reassured her stumped the shit out of me.
"It's early, and you already had a stressful morning. Whatever you wanna say can wait until later. Maybe we can watch a movie and cuddle on the couch."
"It's your world, Navy. We can do whatever you want," I affirmed, my voice carrying more affection than I knew how to express.
"And that's why I love you."
"How's work so far? I know it's early, but something is always happening there."
"Not too much on my babies." She laughed, easing some of the tight coils in my chest. "Mekhi was outside waiting for me when I came in this morning. I keep telling him he doesn't have to, but of course, he doesn't listen. So now I have him in the kitchen helping make breakfast."
Navy continued talking, mentioning a few of the other kids who lived there.
Hearing the smile in her voice was somewhat bittersweet.
The woman she is for those kids was the adult I needed when I was their age.
She didn't see them as orphans who brought in a check.
She saw each child as someone who needed love and encouragement to step into their light and shine.
It was beautiful to witness. Painfully beautiful but beautiful, nonetheless.
"When can you stop by and talk to some of the older kids?"
Her question caught me off guard. "Talk to 'em about what?"
"I don't know what life is like after they leave here."
"Fuck I'ma tell them, Navy? That once they get out, life gets easier, 'cause it don't. I wasn't even supposed to be there forreal and I—"
"Okay, Honor," Navy spat, sucking her teeth. "If you didn't want to do it, that's all you had to say."
Groaning, I turned around as tires driving over grovel caught my attention.
"Look, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. We can talk about it later. Wolfe and Rize just pulled up. I gotta go."
"Okay. I love you." Her attitude was still present in her tone, but she knew better than getting off this phone without saying what I always wanted to hear.
"I love you too. Text me when you leave work. I'll probably be home before you, so let me know what snacks you want, and I'll pick 'em up on my way in."
"Okay."
We hung up just as Wolfe and Rize walked up.
"Wassup," Rize greeted, his right hand reaching for mine to hit the GD salute.
I shook my head, showing him the blood on my hands.
"The fuck you do now?" Wolfe gruffly asked.
Choosing not to answer him directly, I nodded and led the way into the mill.
"Nigga, it's breakfast time, and you already caught three bodies? Guess it's true what they say… worms for birds, opps for shooters… early always win." Rize chuckled until Wolfe and I shot him hardened glares.
"Killian called asking me to fix what your brother couldn't," I relayed to Wolfe.
"Chill with that your brother bullshit. What did Crown do?"
"He killed Lynx but didn't put a nigga in charge to take over our spots in Ember Hills. These niggas…" I pointed to the remaining four and the three lying in a pool of mixed DNA. "They were beefing and tearing the borough up. The three I killed thought I was chomp. I showed them otherwise."
"I get that, but is that their tongues?" Wolfe frowned.
"Don't tell me falling in love made you queasy?" I joked.
"Never, but it's a bit much."
"To each his own." I shrugged.
"Aye, not to overstep with what y'all got going on, but is someone gonna tell us what's happening moving forward? We've been here for a minute, and other than watching this nigga go ape shit, we don't know shit about how things gon' play out for the rest of us," one of 'em said.
"From now on, y'all answer to Rize. He'll be taking over Ember Hills. He'll discuss with y'all how he wants shit to play out." Turning toward Rize, I caught the excitement glimmering in his eyes just before the weight of what I'd said settled in.
"I'm giving you two weeks to get that shit together and report back to me. Whatever problems arise, handle them without it getting back to me. You're young, but I feel like you're ready. Don't prove me wrong."
"Nah, I got you." Rize nodded.
"Bet. Get shit situated with these niggas. I'm up." Walking away, I had barely gotten out of the mill before Wolfe called after me.
"Honor."
"I'm not in the mood to talk, Wolfe. I had you pull up to help Rize get rid of those bodies, not for a therapy session."
"Since when did I become Molly the fucking maid?"
"Nigga, what?" I frowned.
"Some shit Chosyn had me watching. You sure about putting Rize in Ember Hills?"
"Who else gon' take it? Rize is solid. He'll be straight there."
"Ight, but we still need to hit Crown about that shit. Regardless of y'all's issues, business is business."
"Yeah, ight. Relay the message to that nigga, then get back at me. I'm up."
Not giving Wolfe the chance to say shit else, I hopped in my whip and sped the fuck off.
Rather than cruising through traffic, I sped through my city, not giving a fuck about consequences.
My head was too fucked up to think clearly.
If a cop pulled me over and saw the blood on my hands, a cell would be my next destination, but shit, maybe that's for the best. Being locked up wasn't some I ever wanted to experience again, but I'd be lying if I said a year or two in a cell doing the bare minimum and not giving a fuck about anyone or the bullshit they came with sounded like a vacation.
I laughed off the thought, then connected my phone to the Bluetooth and started blasting "So Appalled". I bopped my head through Kanye's verse, but once Jay's came on, I felt that shit in my soul.
"Dark Knight feeling, die and be a hero. Or live long enough to see yourself become a villain."
I rapped the line, dissecting it as it related to my life.
At one point, Wolfe and Crown saw me as the hero in their stories.
I took pride in it because, for once, a nigga had done something right.
My intentions going in might've been selfish, but the more I studied my brothers, I realized they were just like me, lost and broken.
Lucian had his ways about him, but I'd be lying if I said what he taught me wasn't valuable.
What I learned stripped me of my innocence, but it also provided the calloused skin I needed to survive.
I did the same for Wolfe and Crown. I taught them how to fish, instead of casting the rod for them.
I even protected them from the dangers they couldn't see.
I moved with the mafia to keep air in their lungs, and somehow, I turned into the muthafuckin' villain. Just as Jay's verse faded into the beat, my music cut off, a text lighting up my phone screen.
Lucian
Meeting at the docks, 6 pm