Chapter 8
Choyce Mancinelli
Pulling up to the block I told Kage to meet me at, I slowed to a stop, threw the truck in park, and grabbed my phone to text Honor.
Things couldn't move forward without a plan and aside from the brief conversation in his car, Honor hadn't said anything about one.
Whether Honor realized it or not, a clock was ticking.
Me
We need to talk.
Honor
Meet me at the docks 5 pm
The docks were an hour out, which wasn't bad since Lucian wanted to meet there at six, and it was only a little after three-thirty now.
Me
Perfect.
"What'd I tell you about having your head buried in that phone?" Kage's voice slipped through the cracked window, startling the fuck out of me. I dropped my phone in the cup holder and recited the words he drilled into my head almost every time we were out together.
"The streets don't forgive those who don't see it coming."
"Right. So, what do you think is gon' happen when you're sitting on a random block, head in your phone, unaware and unprotected?" he scolded, sounding just like a father.
"I'm always protected." I smirked, slipping the small blade from under my tongue and holding it between my teeth.
Kage scoffed, "Ight, Chosyn Jr."
Kage rounded the front of my truck and opened the passenger side door.
"Come on." He nodded toward the seat, making it clear that I was riding as a passenger.
"I can drive," I told him.
Unlike most girls, I hated sitting in the passenger seat.
There was something about just sitting there, letting someone else steer me through life that made me feel powerless.
Kage meant well. I loved him for wanting to protect me, but at some point, I had to fully step into the shoes I was fighting to fill.
If I didn't, Lucian's world would swallow me whole without the courtesy of spitting me out.
"Stop playing and get your ass out."
I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to complain, but his gaze dropped, and his handsome features curled into a scowl.
"Choyce."
I hopped out and rounded the back of the truck, then climbed into the passenger seat. Kage closed my door and jogged around getting in.
"What's that blade gon' do for you against a nigga with a gun?" he asked, pulling off the block.
"If all I have is a blade, then I guess I'm dead." I shrugged, not understanding what he wanted me to say.
"You got it, Choyce." He chuckled in a dry manner that carried way more disbelief than humor.
"What's the problem?" Kage was my best friend, and arguing rarely happened between us.
"What did I say after you came to me and explained that you wanted to take over for Lucian? That you wanted to run his fraction of what's happening between the three lost boroughs?"
"If we're going to do this, can we at least do it without the psychological bullshit?"
"Psychological bullshit," he mocked, sounding nothing like me. "Nah, I can't because this whole shit is mental fucking warfare, Choyce. When you came to me about your plan, I told you what needed to happen."
"Shut the world out. Keep your path clear. Go dark and never let them see you coming." I mumbled loud enough for him to hear.
"Exactly. For a minute, you were on your shit. Nothing and no one could knock you off your square."
"Yeah, but how long am I supposed to be this confident, ruthless bitch when it's not who I am? I learned to speak the language, but does that make me fluent?"
"This is what you wanted," Kage gritted lowly. "You were tired of muthafuckas acting like your wants didn't matter, treating you like a doormat, only acknowledging you after you've been disregarded."
"I was tired then, and I'm still tired. I did what you said.
I stepped into the same darkness that's been looming over my life since the day I got thrown into that damn van.
" My hands trembled, the feel of expensive leather ghosting against my palms. I closed my eyes, reminding myself to breathe, and then kept going.
"I learned how to move through it. I stripped my emotions because of it. I became someone I don't recognize, all in the name of fucking survival! I played the role so fucking well that even I believe myself to be the manipulative bitch everyone thinks I am."
My voice cracked as it rose, but I didn't care. The pressure behind my eyes burned, and the feeling of always being unheard settled in like smoke, choking me.
"I hear you, Choyce." Kage's voice was so damn soothing, it pissed me off.
"Chosyn hates me for what I've done, all because I played in the shadows. But that's all it's ever been… me playing. We both know I've never been grim. That's always been you."
A beat of silence settled between us, heavy and suffocating.
"So when Lucian is dead, and the Italians answer to me… what am I supposed to do once they realize I didn't get there by being scariest in the room, but because I survived the scariest one?"
The car went quiet, and the humming of the engine took over. Seconds, maybe even minutes, passed before Kage cleared his throat.
"You think survival doesn't count for something?"
Opening my eyes, my gaze hurriedly fell on him. He didn't look in my direction, but I didn't need him to. Kage spoke with a sincerity you couldn't fake. Men like him didn't care about sparing feelings, but he always cared about mine.
"You didn't scare your way to the top. You dragged your blood, sweat, and tears up every hill you had to climb. If they can't respect that, fuck 'em. I'll grim reap whoever thinks about disrespecting your claim."
Kage wasn't supposed to patch me back together, but that's just who he was. He carried the weight of things that were never his to carry.
"And Chosyn doesn't hate you. You gotta stop saying that shit. Words have power, and the more you push that into the universe, the longer it's gonna take for healing to start."
"I only say what she makes me feel. You saw what happened the last time we talked. She thinks talking to me is somehow doing me a favor," I scoffed, bothered by how Chosyn always picked the side that wasn't mine.
"She doesn't understand," Kage said. "She doesn't get that what you've done was your way of surviving."
"I might have better odds explaining that to her if you kidnapped her," I half-joked.
"Or," he pressed, giving me that look, "You can go to her and leave your ego at the door. Leaving that nigga alone might help too."
I frowned. "What nigga? Honor?"
"Yeah. That nigga," he said, like saying Honor's name was the bane of his existence.
I narrowed my eyes. "Wait… are you jealous? Do you have feelings for—"
"Nah, don't do that," he cut me off with a dry, humorless laugh.
"Kage, you've never questioned me about a man."
His tone dropped. "Don't fuck up our friendship by saying dumb shit. I don't see you like that, Choyce. Never have, never will."
I blinked, caught off guard by the bite in his words.
"Any woman I give my energy to gotta carry a soft energy of her own. Then I'll know she offers solace, not stress. Misery won't live where she resides… feel me?"
I rolled my eyes, but my chest tightened.
"I have a soft aura." It came out quieter than I had hoped.
Kage shook his head without looking at me. "Nah, you don't."
I swallowed hard, forcing my voice to stay steady. "So… what? I bring misery to your life?"
"Not in mine, into your own."
"I mean…" My voice trailed off as I shrugged. Kage wasn't wrong, but he wasn't exactly right either. My life didn't come with clean lines. They were all somehow blurred.
"Shit," Kage said, "If I'm lying, correct me, but we both know you love being in the middle of bullshit."
"I don't. Life just keeps serving it my way."
"That's bullshit, and you know it," he shot back. "You gotta start being honest with yourself."
"I am honest," I spat, cutting my eyes in his direction.
"Aight, so flirting with Honor knowing he's with Navy, that's you eating what life serves?"
"Is it not?" I snapped, narrowing my gaze.
"Look, I've never been the nigga to dictate how you live… but I'd be less of a man if I didn't speak up."
"Say what you gotta say, Kage." I sighed, already bracing myself for the blow.
"Whatever you feel for Honor is gonna be the reason you lose your life.
" Kage's tone was cold. "What you did to get rid of Chance was survival.
Chosyn might not get it, but I do because I've been here.
I've watched that nigga spiral, take his failures out on you.
I picked you up every time he knocked you down.
And when I tried to get at him, even knowing it'd get me killed, you pulled me back. "
He looked at me, eyes hard.
"For that, I'ma always be the nigga on your left when you bust a right.
Right or wrong, I'm with you. But this shit?
" He shook his head. "I can't condone it.
Leave that nigga alone, Choyce. Focus on the position Lucian gave you until we can knock him off for good.
But if you keep fucking with Honor, you'll end up in the dirt before your life truly has the chance to play out. "
I exhaled hard through my nose but said nothing because Kage didn't get it. I didn't tell him everything. My clock was already ticking.
"You see me as someone who makes sense," I finally said.
"My actions line up for you because you understand the pain that fuels them.
So, when I have feelings for Honor, knowing he's with Navy, you can't make sense of it, and that's fine.
My feelings aren't for you to understand.
" I drew in a breath, pushing the words out as my voice trembled.
"The part of me that wants him… is the part that breaks at night.
The part that cries for a love so deep, so safe that nothing can break it.
That part of me is tired of pretending, tired of surviving, tired of stitching herself together.
She just wants to be loved and to be held together with something stronger than shared pain. "
My throat tightened, but I kept going.
"Honor speaks to her. And maybe that makes me delusional, but I know he feels something, too.
If he didn't, why the fuck did he jump in front of those bullets for me?
" I let that truth sit heavy in between us.
"Those bullets were meant for me, Kage. Death was right there…
and Honor saved me. A man doesn't almost die for a woman he hates unless he's lying to himself. "
"Choyce—" Kage started, but I held up my hand, cutting the moment in half.
"I have to meet Honor at the docks before Lucian gets there. Make sure you stay out of sight. Lucian's up to something. I can feel it. I want eyes on me at all times."
Kage nodded, jaw clenched from how I shut him down, but he didn't argue.
Therapy was over. It was back to business. And the bitch? She was back playing in the shadows, waiting for a nigga to give her a reason.