Chapter 18 Honor Gravehart
Honor Gravehart
"Come here, beautiful."
I motioned for Navy to come to me as she walked out of the bathroom dressed in one of my t-shirts.
The cotton fabric swallowed her slender frame, and yet, she was still sexy.
That was just Navy, tho. Fully covered or not, she didn't need effort to be sexy.
She just was. Face free of makeup, there were no blemishes in sight.
Just soft skin and tired eyes that held a fire I'd yet to extinguish.
Navy came to me without a fight, stopping between my legs.
"Are you okay?" The question brought worry lines to her forehead that I wished I could erase forever.
"I'm straight." Reaching under her t-shirt, I brushed my thumbs across her hips.
"Then why are you staring at me like it's your first time seeing me?"
"What if it is?" I tossed back.
Resting my head on her stomach, I listened to the rhythmic conversation her heart was having with mine.
"Honor." Her hands ran across my soft curls that were starting to spurt.
"I'm being honest."
"You're not because you've seen me before." She sighed.
"But not like this." Navy's body tensed, waiting for the other shoe to drop. "I mean… hearing you speak so passionately with Gigi and Chosyn showed me another side of you."
"How, when I speak just as passionately with you?"
"That's different. I see passion when you're soothing the chaos brewing inside of me. With me, it's reassurance that I'm deserving of all things when it comes to you. What I saw earlier with Gigi and Chosyn was resentment, and that's not something I'm used to seeing from you."
"I don't resent you, Honor."
Lifting my head from her stomach, I locked onto her.
"You do," I finally replied.
"How are you gonna tell me how I feel?" she snapped, wiggling her hips to get away from me.
I held her firmly, kneading my fingers into her waist. "Because I know you the same way you know me."
"I don't resent you."
"You do, and that's not on you. How you feel about me is shaped by the way I love you… or fail to."
"Yeah, but you already have so much on your plate," she softly stated. "I don't want you to think I don't love you."
And there lied the problem. When conversations got heavy, Navy swallowed her truth so I wouldn't choke.
"I could never think you don't. You talked all that shit about me at Gigi's crib, and not once did I take it to mean you don't love me.
We've been together for two, almost three decades…
shit is bound to get rocky with us. It doesn't mean we give up or hide how we feel about shit. So, tell me the truth."
"I'm happy, and I love you, but things have been different with us for a while."
I swallowed the anxiety creeping in. "Ight, so what pushed it to the forefront?"
"Choyce." Navy pushed out a long breath, which made me tense. "You jumping in front of those bullets for her, then lying to me at the hospital."
"I didn't—"
A small crease appeared between her brows, warning me not to lie.
"Ight. I told Kage not to let anyone in, but it wasn't specific to you. Choyce and I were discussing a proposition Lucian brought to us. I didn't want anyone walking in and hearing, so I told Kage to keep everyone out."
"I'm not everyone tho, Honor. I'm Navy," she spat, twisting out of my grasp. I went to pull her back in but stopped when I caught the seriousness in her glare.
"I know who you are." I sighed.
"Do you because it's hard to fucking tell," she scoffed, then closed her eyes for a few seconds. When they opened, she seemed calmer.
"Let's just watch the movie we didn't get to watch last night."
"Nah."
"Nah?" Her face scrunched.
"That's what I said, right? Stop running from this shit and tell me how you feel."
"Why, if it doesn't matter?"
"Who the fuck said your feelings don't matter?" I barked, shooting up from the bed. "If anyone's feelings matter on this earth, it's yours, and you know that."
"Do I? 'Cause my feelings didn't matter when you risked your life for a bitch who ain't me! She can't even amount to my fucking pinky toe, yet you jumped in front of bullets for her. Why the fuck do I have to spell this shit out to you?"
"You don't." I snickered, loving how the fire blazed in the browns of her eyes.
"Obviously, I do because my man isn't smart enough to see that a hoe wants him."
"That's not it at all. Your man is smart enough to know karmic scales have to be balanced.
Pushing Choyce out the way was me trying to even shit out.
The fuck I'ma do when you're chilling next to God with your wings, and I'm surrounded by fucking fire?
" Closing the space between us, I locked my arm around her waist.
"Please move out my face with that bullshit."
"It's not bullshit. Hell doesn't deserve your beauty," I told her, meaning every word. "Burning them pearly gates or shooting up the spot gon' leave you homeless. The only way we both win is if I tip the scales in my favor."
Navy chuckled under her breath.
"I must be a dumb bitch if that's the excuse you're giving me for saving a hoe who wants your dick rearranging her tonsils," she snapped. "How am I supposed to trust you with my feelings when you can't even be honest with me?"
"I'm being honest," I gritted, teeth clenched.
"You're not. You're being a pessimist. You expect the worst because you think you don't deserve the best! It's not my job to make you feel otherwise, Honor," she fired back. "If this is how you're gonna have this conversation, then leave me the fuck out of it."
Navy slipped from my embrace. Instead of pulling her back, I let her go. She crawled onto the bed, kicked the covers aside, and slammed a pillow onto her lap, glaring at me with conflicted eyes.
"What do you want to know?" I sighed.
"The truth!"
"Look, I don't know why I took those bullets of Choyce. I didn't really think about the shit. I just acted."
"Nothing is done without a reason."
"And I'm telling you I don't know what mine was."
"Okay." She shrugged.
"That's it?"
"Mhmm," she hummed.
Smirking, I sat on the edge of the bed. "Are you happy, Navy? Not with life but with me."
"For the most part, I'm happy. We've had more good times than bad, so what's not to be happy about?"
Her face softened, but there was still a spark missing from her stare. Happiness wasn't just a feeling with Navy. It radiated from her skin.
"Not feeling wanted," I answered.
"I can't expect you to love me a certain way when I haven't been open about how I feel. I love that you need me, but I don't want to be a need, Honor. I want to be a thought like when you see my favorite candy bar. Want me when your days are hard but want me more when they're soft."
"I hear you," I slowly stated, shaking my head. "But to me… needing someone and wanting them sound the same."
"Needing someone is survival. Wanting them…" Her eyes closed, a small smile softening her frustrations with me. "Wanting them is a choice. It's deciding every day that you still want me, even when it's easier not to."
Navy opened her eyes, spark fully present.
"That's the difference, Honor. That's what makes it real. All I want to be is the thought that sticks when everything else fades."
"Fuck, Navy," I murmured.
What Navy wanted, I eagerly wanted to give. The shit was just difficult 'cause how I saw her was the opposite of who she wanted to be for me. Navy didn't want to be the reason I survived, but she already was.
My reason. My lifeline. My happiness and peace.
Navy was all that and more, but was sitting across from me, saying she wanted to be a corny ass thought. What she didn't understand was that wants didn't exist in my world.
I wanted my mother not to be a druggie, but she still got high. I wanted her to live, but Lucian still killed her. I wanted to die before shit even got this far, but Navy kept me alive.
How the fuck was I supposed to turn a need into a want? Navy called wanting a choice, and choices meant there were options. I didn't want options. I needed it only to be her.
"I'ma fuck this up, Navy," I told her truthfully.
Navy made it clear that how I handled her was the problem. The obsession, the craving to hear her love for me, was too much. Her heart wanted simple and easy, but a nigga like me didn't know how to be that.
"You don't get to fuck up, Honor. You just get to want me." She simpered. "I love you. Don't overthink this."
"I love you too."
I moved closer to her on the bed, pinching her chin and tilting her head upward.
Her eyes glimmered with a love I considered my peace.
What lived in the browns of her eyes was everything she didn't want to mean to me.
I tucked my chin, and her lips crashed into mine.
All hunger. All heat. I gripped the back of her neck, deepening the kiss.
"Honor," she moaned, her hands brushing the waistband of my briefs. "Do you trust me?"
"What?" I asked, pulling back.
"Huh?" She frowned, confused.
"What did you say?"
"I asked do you trust me. What's the problem?"
I ran my hands over my head and shifted further away. I was staring at Navy, but all I could hear was Choyce's voice telling me, "I'm asking you to let me guide you through this. Trust me enough to have your back with this."
"Honor, what is going on?"
"I gotta tell you something about last night."
"Okay," she whispered, pushing her chin forward and squinting.
"I came in late because I was meeting Lucian and Choyce at the docks. Choyce showed up first. We started talking and…" my throat tightened as her emotions danced across her features, then disappeared.
"And what Honor?" she asked, her voice tight with restraint.
"She kissed me."
"She what?" Navy hissed through clenched teeth. "How was she even able to get that close to you, Honor?"
I scratched along my jaw, trying to find the words. "I was in my head, and she caught me off guard. I didn't kiss her back tho."
"You think I give a fuck?" she roared, chest rising and falling like she was forcing the words out.