Chapter 17 Navy Achebe #2
"Comparing your plate to the next person's is the fastest way to starve," Gigi advised. "Honor may need you, but he loves you, Navy. You can't deny that."
"He does, I'll never deny that, but Gigi, I wanna be loved in a way that speaks to my soul and not my fear of losing him to himself.
Wolfe loves Chosyn differently from how Crown loves River.
The similarity is that neither of them relies on their women to keep their sanity in tack.
Wolfe wanted Chosyn before he realized he needed her.
He met her where she was, and together, they grew into what we see today.
And no, their relationship isn't perfect, but they rely on each other, protect each other, and trust each other. "
"Yeah, but getting here wasn't a walk in the park," Chosyn interjected, but I cut her short.
"The road wasn't easy, but the result is beautiful. I don't want it to be easy because I don't think loving Honor will ever be that. I just want to know that I'm more than the person keeping him grounded."
"And you are," Gigi assured, but it fell by the waste side because she didn't get it.
"Do you know when the world gets too much for Honor, or he's done something he feels he can't come back from, that he calls me and says I need to hear you say it."
"What's he asking you to say?" they both asked.
Unwanted sympathy danced in their eyes, making me feel worse than I already did. I wasn't baring my soul, so they'd feel bad for me. I just wanted them to understand the frustration I've been holding in for years.
"I love you. That's what he needs to hear.
Everything is a need with him. Everything and everyone in his life has a reason for being there, which goes beyond a simple want.
I want Honor. The bad, the ugly, the darkness that torments him daily — I want it all because I want him.
He doesn't want… he needs because that's what survival is to a man like Honor…
to a man like my father. My father needed my mother until he didn't. Honor was raised by Lucian, so eventually, he won't need me anymore.
So, what am I supposed to hold on to? Because if he doesn't need me and has never wanted me, then what's left? What's fucking left?"
"Us." Hurt and panic brought his gravelly tone to a whimper that almost went unheard by everyone but me. "We'll always be left at the end of this shit. There's no me without you, Navy. How many times do I gotta tell you that shit?"
"Damn, Honor, beat your feet next time you come in here," Chosyn joked, wanting to lighten the mood but it was too late. A storm already brewed in Honor's eyes.
"How much did you—"
"Enough," he quipped. "Let's go."
"Now, wait a minute," Gigi argued, rising to her feet. "Emotions are high, and it's been a long day. I think everyone should take a moment. Y'all can stay here, and we can have dinner together."
"It's not about what you think," Honor calmly said, but the harshness in his words was still felt.
"I'm only going to tell you once to watch how you talk to me. I'm not your enemy," Gigi warned.
"It's fine," I chimed in, pulling my body from the couch. "I'll call you later."
"You better." Chosyn half-smiled, but even that was more like a frown.
"Navy, you don't have to go if you don't want to. Honor doesn't scare anybody, but his shadow," Gigi asserted, rolling her eyes in Honor's direction.
"It's not about him. It's about me. I'll call you tomorrow."
Gigi pulled me into a hug, then let me go and walked over to a stone-faced Honor and wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her back, but his heavy gaze never left me.
"Text me when y'all get home," Gigi called after us.
Honor helped me into the passenger seat, then roughly buckled me in.
"You good?" he asked.
I nodded.
"Navy!"
"What?" I spat, matching his menacing growl.
"I asked you a question."
"And I answered."
"Navy, stop fucking—"
"No, you stop fucking playing with me—" I snipped. "You don't fucking scare me, Honor."
"You think I want you to be scared?" His brows pinched together as his top lip curled.
"I—"
Pinching my jaw in his grasp, he brought my face within a breath of his. His touch alone caused a chill, but the desperation in his eyes for me to understand had the opposite effect.
"The day you're scared of me is the day I'll know I failed at this love thing."
His words hung between us because, as sweet as they were, they just weren't enough.
"Honor, can we—"
His thumb brushed over the small cut on my cheek.
"Whoever did it will bleed ten times worse." It was cruel, but it was his truth, and I believed every word.
"I just wanna go home." I turned from him and gazed out the window. It took a second, but Honor finally closed the door and climbed in on his side. As the engine kicked in, Wolfe came speeding down the block. He double-parked and hopped out, rushing toward my side of Honor's car.
"Navy, you good?" he asked, yanking the door open.
"I'm fine. Chosyn is inside. She's good, so don't do the most," I simpered, admiring how knowing his wife was okay softened his face.
"I'ma always act a fool behind mine. Get home safe."
"I will," I told him.
"Ight."
Wolfe gave me one last look before closing the door and jogging toward Gigi's front door. I found it strange that he didn't say anything to Honor, but I wasn't in the mood to pry.
Honor pulled off, and within twenty minutes of our drive, it started raining. I snickered to myself, wondering if these were the tears I refused to cry in front of this man. My heart ached for reassurance that I didn't know how to ask for.
"Navy." My name rolled off his lips slow and intentional.
"Navy," he repeated, tightening the hold his love had on my heart.
"What, Honor?" I sulked.
"You really feel like I'm gon' stop needing you?" Honor had such a hard exterior that I often forgot how soft he'll get for me. "However you feel, I want you to know you can tell me. I don't care if my feelings get hurt. How you feel is always safe with me. You know that, right?"
"I know."
"Then talk to me."
"I can't," I forced out.
"Why not? You were comfortable telling Gigi and Chosyn, but you can't tell me?"
"I don't think we should talk about this right now."
"It's the only thing we need to talk about," he gently stated.
"It's raining, and I just wanna go home."
Honor cut from the left lane to the middle, then to the right, and got off on the next exit. Slowly, his car crept down a street until he came to a dead-end.
"Honor, this isn't home," I sassed, watching him throw the car into park.
"I know, but we need to talk. I don't want you walking into the house with this weighing on you."
"Yet you let me walk out of the house with the shit," I muttered.
"I felt like you needed space," He shrugged. "I wanted to give you that."
"Bullshit!" I fired back. "You let me leave to avoid telling me whatever you're hiding. So, let's not act like you were doing me a favor."
"That's what you think?" he breathed, a smirk teasing at his lips.
"That's what I fucking know."
I stared dead in his face, daring him to tell me otherwise, but he couldn't. He broke our stare and pulled away, like the hurt he caused staring back at him was too much to handle.
"Honor, just take me home." I sighed.
Ignoring me, he pushed his door open and got out. A wave of nausea hit me. My tears fell as fast and as hard as the rain soaking Honor's clothes as he rounded the car. The passenger door flew open. Honor grabbed my hand and tugged me out of the car.
"Honor, it's—"
He pinned me against his truck. His body crowding mine as the rain slipped between us.
"Honor, it's raining," I whispered.
"I don't give a fuck." His breath warmed my cheek. "I want you, Navy."
My heart went wild, slamming so hard it scared me.
"Is that what you need to hear?" he growled. "That I want you just as much as I need you?"
I dragged my eyes away from his. His hand came fast, gripping my neck just enough to force my eyes back to his.
"Is that what you need, Navy?"
Rain soaked us, but it didn't compare to the way his glare dared me to deny it, dared me to pretend my body hadn't already confirmed what I refused to.
"Honor…" my voice cracked around his name. "You don't get to say it and expect it to fix everything."
"I didn't say it to fix a damn thing," he said. "I said it to give your soul a moment of peace."
Tears swelled in my eyes, blurring everything as confusion set in.
Was this pain or relief?
"I hate you." The words poured out of me before I could stop them.
"Navy," he softly grinned. "I love you enough to love that hate outta you."
Honor's voice dropped lower, rough at the edges but so fucking smooth where it mattered. "I want you, my baby."
The sound of it slid through me, fighting to smother the hate burning deep in my chest. "I hate you for knowing me so well," I professed, my voice breaking again. "I hate that you can name my pain like you're the 'cause and the cure."
"What else do you hate?" Honor murmured. He dropped his forehead to mine, our noses brushing.
"I hate how all you have to do is stand this close and—"
His lips hovered over mine. Mine parted off instinct. Then he stopped. Close enough to promise me his next breath but far enough for me to crave his kiss. I felt his breath slow, then turn uneven and desperate.
"Tell me what you need, and it's yours."
"The truth," I whispered. "Not just the truth you think I can handle… I want to know all of it. I need to feel love. I need to feel wanted because you love me, and not because I keep you anchored."
My voice shook, but I held it together.
"I need to know that it's us, now and forever. I need to know I'm not fighting a losing game. I love being your angel in what you consider hell, but I need you to lead."
Rain pattered around us, but my world, my heaven, was in his eyes.
"Lead with your actions so I never have to question your words. Love me so loud those who want you would rather go deaf rather than to listen. Love me the way I love you because even an anchor needs to be reeled in when the tide gets too strong."
Honor took a step back, releasing my neck and openly staring at me. I let go of a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding and nibbled on my lip. Despite everything, I still wanted Honor. My need for him clawed at me.
I pushed forward, feeling the pull of him slither up my body. He bowed his head, pressing his forehead to mine. Every nerve in me screamed as our breaths collided, lips hovering. I traced his lips with the tip of my tongue, and the world around us shrank until it was only us.
"Not yet," he murmured, low and controlled.
The silence that followed stretched into…
A promise.
A threat.
A storm of tension that neither of us was ready to break.
"I… fuck… I don't deserve you, Navy," he groaned. His voice was so rough that his face tightened into a grimace. "But I… I love you. I love you more than you'll ever understand, more than I fucking know what to do with."
I felt the tremor in his chest as he confessed something he felt he didn't deserve.
"I can't promise I'ma love you how Wolfe does Chosyn, or Crown does River…
" His voice fell apart as he shook his head like he already knew he'd never measure up to his younger brothers.
"But I can promise to love you the only way I know how, and that's by…
needing you. I need you, Navy. You're the air I reach for when I'm drowning.
The grace I don't deserve. The mercy I'ma ask God to have when it's my time to go. "
The rain fell relentlessly, pouring over us in a rhythm that matched my racing heart.
"You make me want to stay when I know I don't deserve to. Every day, I question my existence, knowing I don't belong here. But you," he hummed, his voice dropping into a low whisper. "You remind me I'm worth something. You're the pause before the sentence. The semicolon of my life."
His thumb brushed my jaw as if he were afraid to touch something so delicate. Only I wasn't the fragile one.
"Honor," I whispered, taking his face into my hands.
"I see you, all of you. The parts you think make you unlovable, the parts you hide because you're scared, they'll ruin everything.
I see it all and love it all. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that.
I'm not asking you to be perfect. I just want you to be present, honest, and trying.
I'm asking you to choose me… to want me even when you don't think you're worth wanting. "
His shoulders sagged, like something inside him finally gave up. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close. He swallowed hard, and I felt the shudder ripple through his chest.
"I can't promise I'ma get it right," he said. "But I love you. I always have, forever will. You're mine, Navy."
His lips brushed my temple, gentle and sweet.
"And if I lose you—"
"You won't," I promised, cutting him off before fear could finish his sentence.
Every part of me wanted to cling, to melt, to disappear inside him. It didn't matter whether we were soaked or that a storm raged around us.
All I heard was Honor. All I felt was Honor. All I breathed was the heavy, desperate cadence of his voice carrying every broken piece he'd ever tried to hide. Then I felt it. The truth he didn't want to say out loud. It wasn't me he was afraid of breaking. It was himself.
I pulled back to meet his eyes and smiled.
"Let's go home before we both end up sick."
Honor nodded, and I felt it in the press of his chest, the tilt of his forehead, the way his lips covered mine.
Home wasn't the place we ventured to at night and woke up to in the morning for Honor.
It was us… the fragile sanctuary we built.
The quiet understanding that I'll always be his refuge.
Even if the storms that threatened to break us made it over the horizon, I'll be his home…
his shelter… his angel amongst the flames.