Chapter 4
Four
Navy Achebe
Waking up to Nix's soft slaps and baby laughter was the highlight of my morning until I read Honor's text. It started sweet, but the last sentence made everything in me tighten. My stomach knotted, making me feel nauseous because what Honor assumed was heavy wasn't even the full truth.
Heavy was Choyce kissing him.
Heavy was Honor lying to me.
Fucking heavy was me slicing Choyce's neck.
Solace eating my pussy in the bathroom of the club my man owned wasn't heavy. It was catastrophic and unforgivable. Honor swore he needed me to breathe, but if he knew what I'd done, oxygen would be stripped from us both.
"Good, you're up." Chosyn grinned as she walked into the bedroom.
She grabbed Nix from my arms and sat at the edge of the bed like this was a regular ass morning, and my heart wasn't fighting to break through my chest.
"You don't look too bad," she added.
I weakly scoffed. "I feel like shit, tho, in more ways than one."
"Navy, you made a mistake," she softly voiced. "However, it's not something to beat yourself up over unless you plan to let it happen again." Chosyn's brows pinched as she looked at me with skepticism. "Do you plan to do it again?"
"No!" I quickly answered. "I didn't even mean to the first time. The liquor got the best of me and—"
"I love you, Navy," Chosyn cut in, "but blaming it on the alcohol is childish."
"How? When it's the truth."
"It's the lie you're comfortable believing so you don't have to actually say the truth."
"Don't you think it's a little too early for this philosophy mess?"
"Not at all." Chosyn chuckled. "I'm always gonna be honest with you."
"Okay, then, tell me… why do you think I did it?"
She didn't hesitate, not that I thought she would. Chosyn never held her tongue and wasn't about to start to spare my feelings.
"Resentment, wanting to feel something other than being the thing Honor needs you to be."
"I don't resent Honor," I mumbled.
"I'm here for you, Navy. You don't have to hide it from me."
I laughed without humor. "So you're saying if Wolfe cheated and told you it was a mistake because he resents you, you'd believe him?"
"No," she flatly answered. "Wolfe could never get that off because I haven't given him a reason to resent me."
"You don't have to be given a reason to feel that way," I told her.
"Resentment doesn't come out of nowhere. It grows in the spaces love forgets to fill. Matter of fact, it grows quietly in the dark like a fucking fungus, and Honor has—"
"Chosyn, please don't," I blurted, glancing toward the ceiling so my tears wouldn't fall.
"This isn't about him! No matter what he's done, Honor has never stepped out on me the way I did him.
And you know what kills me," I scoffed. "It didn't even take much.
I folded because a man… a fucking stranger made me feel wanted, as if Honor doesn't do the same daily. "
Chosyn met my eyes. "He doesn't."
"How would you know?" I spat. "You don't know him! No one does, but I do, and I know he didn't deserve what I did."
"Okay." Chosyn lightly chuckled. "What we're not gonna do is forget that my daughter is in the room. I understand you might not like what I have to say, but voice that respectfully. I don't argue with her father in front of her, and I'm not gonna do it with you."
I frowned. "I wasn't being disrespectful."
I reached forward, tickling Nix's chubby feet, and she giggled like her momma wasn't two seconds from being on my ass.
"But fine, I apologize to you and Nix."
"I appreciate the apology, but Navy, I need you to let me know now… do you want to have this conversation or not? I'll respect whatever you decide, but if you do wanna talk this through, then I'm not biting my tongue."
Crossing my arms, I told her, "You've already been saying what you need to say, don’t stop now."
"It's not about what I need to say." She sighed. "Your relationship with Honor is yours, but I won't pretend what you did happened for no reason.
"But it did," I insisted. "Honor didn't do anything that deserved me cheating.
Do you know how many women would kill to be with a man like him?
A man who'll worship the ground you walk on and protect like your life is more valuable than theirs?
Men aren't built like Honor, yet here I am just letting any nigga lick the clit. "
"Okay," Chosyn laughed, "let me put Nix in her bouncer and put on Super Simple Songs, and then we can have this conversation forreal."
I nodded and took Nix from her. Chosyn left the room, came back with Nix's bouncer, and turned on YouTube on the TV at a low volume. She made sure Nix was settled, kissed the top of her head, then came and sat back on the bed.
"Okay, now back to you," she said, crossing her legs. "This isn't me trying to be an expert on relationships because outside of Wolfe, I haven't always chosen the best. I love Wolfe, but at times we bump heads."
"So do Honor and I. That's normal."
"It is," she agreed. "Wolfe also reassures me that nothing will come between us. That there's nothing too big for us to work through."
"Honor reassures me, too. He just does it in his own way."
"And that's nice," she replied. "But how do you want to be reassured, Navy? In a way that Honor feels is good enough for you, or in a way that speaks to who you are as a woman?"
"So, I should leave him?"
"No, it's time to be honest with yourself and stop running from whatever pain you think your truth is going to cause that man."
I took in everything Chosyn was saying because she wasn't wrong. For so long, I allowed myself to accept love in the only way Honor knew how to give it.
"You don't have to be honest with me, but you owe it to yourself."
"How, when everything I feel is going to sound like I don't appreciate what Honor gives me?"
"Who's it going to sound that way to?" she pressed. "You've lived in your head for so long you're afraid of judgment from your own inner voice."
"It's not even that it's just…" I started, then stopped, and dragged out a sigh while trying to make sense of everything.
"Chosyn, where you at?"
Wolfe's deepened tenor pulled our attention toward the bedroom door. He walked in, eyes finding Chosyn, then Nix.
My heart fluttered at the simple gesture because it was intentional. Wolfe didn't stare at Chosyn for her to read his mood and rush to him. He glanced her way to make sure she was okay, then Nix, and lastly me.
"Where did you sneak off to?" Chosyn asked as she stood to greet her man.
"I picked up breakfast. Honor was still outside when I woke up, so I made him drive me."
"He was here?" I blurted, damn near falling off the bed as I scrambled toward the window.
"He left, and you wouldn't have been able to see him from here anyway."
"Oh." I shrugged and sat back down.
"Take Nix downstairs and enjoy breakfast," Wolfe stated, kissing Chosyn's forehead. "I wanna talk to Navy about something."
Chosyn shot me a look, and I gave her a subtle nod, letting her know that it was fine.
"Don't keep her up here too long," Chosyn warned. "Where did you get breakfast from?"
"The only place you'll eat it." Wolfe chuckled.
"In that case, take your time." She laughed. "I'd hate for y'all to see me fuck this food up with no grace. Come on, Nix, we're about to eat good."
Nix cooed like she understood and was just as excited as her momma. I laughed, then felt the familiar ache of missing moments like this with my firstborn.
"How you been, Navy?" Wolfe asked after Chosyn left the room.
"Fine." I shrugged.
"This is me you're talking to." He smirked, and I knew exactly what he meant.
"Yeah, but you have a wife now. You can't worry about me."
"Is that why you made Chosyn your best friend out of all the girls?"
I smiled. "I figured if you loved her, then I'd love her too, and I was right."
"It's hard not to love her. Chosyn is special."
"She is," I agreed.
"You're special too, Navy."
"I appreciate that, Wolfe."
"That's something I should've been told you. All of us should have, if I'm being honest."
"It's honestly fine. I know you guys love me."
"Yeah, but hearing how much you're appreciated hits different. I know 'cause Chosyn makes it her business to tell me every day." He grinned, and I couldn't stop myself from doing the same.
"I just think we all got caught up in the fucked up parts of our lives that we forgot to acknowledge the good that was right in front of us the whole time. I know it won't make up for all the other times you went unappreciated, but from the bottom of my heart, I thank you, Navy."
"Aww, Wolfe," I muttered, feeling myself about to get emotional. "You don't have to thank me. Nothing I've done for you or your brothers was done for recognition. I wholeheartedly wanted to help however I could."
"Nah," he disagreed, rubbing his jawline. "You deserve all the thanks in the world. Shit could've ended differently for Crown, Honor, and me if you weren't around."
Every word of praise from Wolfe made the guilt I felt sink deeper into my chest.
"It was nothing." I shrugged.
"Stop doing that," he gritted lightly.
My brows pinched in confusion. "Doing what?"
"Downplaying the impact you've had on our lives. Like what you did for three lost boys was some regular ass shit."
"Wolfe, it's not that deep."
"Not that deep to who?" he quizzed. "'Cause it's deep for me, Navy. You weren't even eighteen when I hopped in your mom's van with a broken nose. I don't even think you had your license when you did that shit."
"I didn't." I chuckled.
"See, you were out here risking shit for a young nigga who thought he had nothing to live for.
Honor stepped into my life and taught me how to survive on my own.
He taught me how to be a man, in the sense of what it means to protect and provide.
But you—" Wolfe lowered his gaze and let out a sheepish laugh.
"You taught a nigga what it meant to be loved. "
"Wolfe, I never—"