Chapter 4 #2
"Platonic love, Navy," he cut in. "It was never more than an older sister loving her younger brother type shit to you, but for me…"
Wolfe shook his head, letting out something small that felt like embarrassment and pride mixed into one.
"I was a boy starving for love, so what you gave meant the world to me.
You held me when I cried and talked me through using a gun after Honor tried to force that shit on me.
You showed me the beauty of being gentle with someone I care about.
Yeah, my way of love might be all-consuming, but shit, that's better than how I could've turned out. "
He paused, as if the thought alone pissed him off.
"Without you, I'd probably hate women 'cause of the issues that stem from Ellie. Without you, I probably never would've found my heart and planted my soul in her womb. You're responsible for a lot of the good in my life, Navy. That's not a small feat, so don't ever downplay that shit like it is."
"As much as I appreciate this Wolfe, where is it coming from?"
I didn't want to think the worst. The moment was sweet, but it felt too much like he was buttering me up before cutting me in half.
Wolfe leaned against the dresser, his eyes locked on me, but conflict pinched his brows. Whatever was on his mind wasn't coming out easily.
"Wolfe," I muttered. "Whatever you need to say, just say it."
He exhaled, then let the last thing I thought he'd say leave his lips.
"Honor knows you deleted the security footage. He said the footage backs up to a different server or some shit."
"Wha…what? He told you that?"
Wolfe nodded, then dropped his gaze to the floor.
"You… don't understand. I didn't mean for that to happen. I wasn't thinking. I was just… Solace was…" Panic flooded my chest, and my throat felt like it was closing as the room started to spin. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I'm so fucking sorry."
"I don't need to know who that Solace nigga is, or what you did," Wolfe breathed out harshly.
"Didn't Honor tell you?"
"Nah, he didn't watch the footage."
I looked up, my chest heaving, and feeling like Wolfe was playing some kind of cruel joke.
"What the fuck, Wolfe?" I gritted, shooting up from the bed. "Why would you bring that shit up if he didn't watch it?"
"Because he's waiting for you to tell him what happened."
"Is that why you said all those nice things about me? To guilt-trip me into telling Honor what happened? If that's why you did it, then you just wasted a heartfelt moment because I… I can't." My breathing stuttered as my head shook from side to side.
"I don't gotta guilt trip you into doing shit. I don't even play those types of games."
"Then what was the point?"
"Honor is hurting, Navy. He's not right in the head, and I'm worried about him."
I lifted my head, eyes narrowing as I met his. "He's not the only one, Wolfe.
"But he's the only one being honest about his shit."
"Is he? Because if I'm being closed off, it's because of him.
He taught me how to be like this. You said all that stuff about what you learned from me.
Well, guess who I learned it from." A hollow laugh followed.
"Honor probably put you up to this. He told you to come in here and tell me how sad he is, so I'll go running. "
"You know me better than that, Navy. I'm not the one to get in the middle of y'all's shit, but looking at him and now looking at you, I can tell y'all are hurting."
"Yeah, okay," I scoffed in disbelief. "We both may be hurting, but trust me, our hurt isn't the same."
"How when y'all are cut from the same cloth? The reason might be different, but the hurt is familiar."
"Wolfe." I sighed, desperately wanting the point of this conversation to come out. "Nothing is making sense. Why are you here? Why tell me he knows I deleted the footage if he doesn't know that I—"
"Don't finish that shit," Wolfe warned.
"Why?" I fired back. "Because Honor's hurting."
The way I diminished Honor's hurt just to make my point made me cringe, but it was honest. I was tired, so fucking tired of centering him and tired of swallowing all the things that caused me misery for the sake of his feelings.
For once, I wanted it to be about me, about my children who never got the chance to breathe, and the one who did, but never got the chance to look me in the eye as his mother instead of Ms. Navy.
For just a moment, I wanted it to be about me, even if it meant sitting in the mess of my mistakes.
Wolfe stared at me long and hard before speaking again. "You sound selfish as fuck."
"Excuse me?" I stiffened.
"Wanting space to process your shit? That's fair. I get that, but acting like that man's pain is an inconvenience to yours is fucking selfish."
"Maybe it is," I shot back, "but you know what's not? Spending years making everything about him."
"I get that—"
"You don't get shit, Wolfe, and that's the muthafuckin' problem," I spat. "Nobody gets it, but everyone swears they understand. How could you or anyone else understand when you weren't there, sneaking into his room to hold him after watching your father torment him?"
"I wasn't there, but I've been around long enough to know you enjoyed being everything to that nigga. You wanted to be that for him."
"Tread lightly," I warned, feeling the energy in the room shift.
"I'm not tryna disrespect you, but I can't let you put this on Honor like you didn't have a hand in this shit."
"I didn't!" I barked.
"You fucking pushed to be his inhale," Wolfe gritted. "And now you wanna be mad that he needs you to fucking exhale! Fuck kinda shit is that?"
The grit of Wolfe's words landed like a boulder on my chest, but not as hard as my hand went across his face.
"I didn't push him to be a goddamn thing!" I cried, chest heaving. "He… he had a fucking gun to his head when we met. I bet he never told you that, did he? I was fucking nine, and he was…"
I swallowed hard, hands shaking, and feeling like I was drowning in my own emotions.
"He was going to kill himself, Wolfe. Right there in my backyard. All he had to do was pull the trigger and…"
My fingers curled into the shape of a gun, and I pressed them to my temple just as I remembered Honor doing.
Eyes unfocused. Throat scratchy and dry.
Boom! I mouthed. "Life had scorned Honor so badly at such a young age that he wanted to end his life at fucking eleven."
My voice cracked as my words spilled out, rough and hoarse.
"I couldn't let him… I couldn't watch him die. I did what I thought was right. Seeing where he is now… I know I did the right thing. I've always done the right thing for him. I've always been there, always made him feel loved—"
"But—" Wolfe gently cut in.
"But I don't want to be everything to a man.
I don't want to feel like I'm the thing that keeps him alive.
I don't wanna be the air he breathes, the only reason he keeps going.
I want him to want me. I want a love that burns but won't scorch me.
I want to feel like someone chose me because they see me as being better than all these other bitches.
I've been Honor's everything for so long that sometimes I feel like I don't exist on my own.
Like I'm just a band-aid covering his wounds.
I don't want to feel like that, Wolfe. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like that. "
Wolfe took a slow breath. "I never want you to feel like I don't hear you when you talk because I do. You don't have to be everything to him."
I wanted to believe Wolfe thought that was true, but we both knew it was a lie. Honor kept us in his life because of the things we added to it. Wolfe and Crown gave him a sense of brotherhood and loyalty to lean on. I made him feel human, like his life didn't just have to be violence and survival.
"Being what he needs isn't wrong, and it's not a burden.
It's a part of the love you've built with him.
Love isn't about being wanted or needed.
It's about holding each other's burdens without keeping score.
The problem isn't you being his everything.
It's you carrying all of his pain and never giving him the chance to carry yours. "
"He'll break," I sniffled.
"How would you know if you never gave him the chance to prove you wrong?"
I shook my head, tears blurring my vision. "I can't just flip a switch and make things about me. That's never been who I am."
"It's not, but you don't have to change who you are to let someone carry what you can't. You deserve to be loved in a way that doesn't need you to bury your emotions to thrive."
I sank into the bed, wiping my face with the back of my hands.
Relief wanted to wash over me, but how could it when it was caught in the trap of what I've done and things I never said.
I closed my eyes, and without him in the room, I felt Honor on every inch of me.
The familiarity of his gaze, the trust in his kiss, the way he made everything about me feel essential.
Maybe Wolfe was right.
Maybe it wasn't wrong to be needed, but if that were true, it made everything worse, because it was a reminder that I had taken something sacred and ruined it.
My heart screamed for me to go to Honor, tell him the truth, and ask for forgiveness, but I couldn't. The disgust in his eyes would kill me long before he could.
"I won't say anything to Honor about this," Wolfe stated, breaking the silence. "But I need you to check on him."
"I can't. I'm not ready to face him, Wolfe."
"The day you were shot at, Honor and Crown got into it. Crown pulled a gun on Honor because of something he said, then Honor took it and he—"
"He… he what?" I forced out.
Wolfe sighed, shaking his head. "He needs you, Navy, so if you can't be there for him, then let me know and I'll—"
"Wolfe, what the fuck did he do?" I screamed.
"It looked like he was about to… to kill—" Wolfe choked on the words, but I didn't need him to finish.
I bolted from the bed in nothing but the hoodie Honor gave me last night and scrambled for my things with shaky hands.
"What the hell are y'all talking about in here?" Chosyn asked, walking into the room.
"Nothing," Wolfe answered. "Come on, Navy's about to leave."
"Leave?" Chosyn pouted. "But she hasn't eat—"
"Chosyn, I have to go," I rushed out, slipping past before she could stop me.
I didn't wait for a response. I just darted out of the house, snatched her car keys from the rack, jumped in her car, and sped off.
Everything I needed to deal with and make sense of was being pushed aside so I could be what Honor needed.
I laughed to myself because Wolfe was right.
My life didn't have to only be about saving Honor, and his didn't have to be about needing to be saved, but right now, that's exactly what we had to offer each other.