Chapter 30 #2
"Okay," she nodded again, "since this is Honor's first collaborative session, I'd like to start off with a question for you and Crown to answer."
"Ight."
"This question is meant to help Honor understand how those closest to him view him. Often, it's hard for us to receive others' interpretations of us because we only share those feelings when emotions are high."
She looked between us.
"In here, speaking freely isn't disrespect. If anyone says something the other doesn't like, you address it as adults. Understood?"
We all nodded.
"Okay," she continued. "If you had one chance to tell Honor what he means to you, what would you say?"
Crown and I exchanged looks.
"I'll go first," Crown offered and turned toward Honor.
The two stared at each other. Honor with a stoic expression that looked emotionless but carried the wounds of a man who never got the chance to be a kid.
Then there was Crown, the man who allowed his inner child to reign free out of fear of becoming his father.
They were two different men carrying similar weights, but only one of them seemed to be on the road to healing.
The other looked like he was running into the arms of his demise and calling it protection.
"What you mean to me isn't some I can put into pretty words or eloquent sentences, 'cause that's never been us. What you mean to me is hope."
He paused, looking straight at Honor.
"When you aged out of Gravehart Homes, I hoped you'd come back for Wolfe and me.
You did, and that was the first time I realized hoping for something wasn't all bad.
You're the blueprint for what a man is supposed to be.
You fall short like all of us, but you get back up and make things right.
That's the first step to becoming a man…
understanding your wrongs, facing 'em and turning 'em into rights. "
Crown rubbed the back of his neck before he continued on.
"Truth be told… half the shit I know about being a man came from watching you figure it out while raising two young niggas you didn't ask for. You're the definition of brotherhood, and the light that guided us through the dark. You mean to me what you thought you couldn't mean to anyone."
His voice softened.
"I know my moms is watching over me, proud of the man I am today because of the big brother you were to me when we met…
the brother you are to me now. So if I gotta answer the question of what Honor Gravehart means to me…
then I'll be talking for a minute 'cause you don't just mean one thing… You mean everything to a nigga."
Honor blinked slowly like he needed a second to get himself together before standing up. He walked over to Crown and extended his hand. Crown took it, letting Honor pull him into a hug. They held onto each other for a moment, letting the silence breathe before Honor pulled back, mushing Crown.
"Keep talking like that, and I'ma tell Four I'm your new favorite person nigga," Honor joked.
"I'ma just lie." Crown shrugged.
"Cortez, I love everything you said," Dr. Lockhart chimed in. "It shows that even though you held some resentment toward Honor, you still cherish his guidance and leadership."
"I do but don't big this nigga's head up too much.
" Crown chuckled. "You helped me learn that I can't blame Honor for the things he did that I don't agree with.
He was a kid raising kids. He did the best he could.
Instead of shunning him for his faults, I gotta appreciate the effort 'cause he didn't have to help me at all. "
"We all fall short because we're humans and fixing our shortcomings is what growth looks like," Dr. Lockhart gently said, then her eyes shifted to me. "Wolfe."
I cleared my throat, getting choked up before I even spoke, because nothing I had to say was brotherly.
"When I think about what Honor means to me, one word comes to mind."
I paused.
"Father."
The word sat heavy in the room, but it wasn't for them. It was for me.
"I hated my pops growing up 'cause of the shit he did to my moms. Then I hated my moms 'cause she wasn't strong enough to save me when I needed her the most. Moving into Gravehart Homes had me shook. I didn't know shit 'bout shit, and living or dying didn't matter."
I rubbed my hands together and lifted my eyes to Honor.
"One of the first things Honor said to me was 'No one's coming to save you'. That was some asshole shit to say to a child, but as Crown said, he was a kid trying to raise a kid."
I shook my head, my voice thickening.
"But that advice changed my life forever.
The way he protected me changed my life forever.
He taught me how to shave, taught me how to get it out the mud.
And when I had panic attacks, he wrapped my weighted blanket around and told me, I didn't have to fear anything 'cause I was as strong as the animal that carried my name. "
I swallowed hard.
"Honor means to me what any father means to their son. I love him. I'd give my life for him. And I know he might not think he's deserving of these words or this type of energy, but…"
I looked straight at Honor, needing him to hear me loud and fucking clear.
"You're more than deserving."
Honor's brow twitched like he wanted to brush the words off before they could land.
"You might not see it, but you've been the embodiment of your name since the day I met you. You carry people, protect them, and stand in front of bullets for 'em. You make the decisions the rest of us struggle with and carry the consequences on your shoulders."
My chest tightened because some of those choices had saved my life.
"Honor isn't just a name you carry. It's the definition of the man you are. You showed me what it looks like to stand on something, to live by a code, and to protect the people I love no matter what it costs me. That's what fathers do. My pops gave me life."
My voice dropped quieter.
"But you taught me how to survive it. So yeah, you're more than deserving of these words. More than deserving of the love I got for you. You might not see the greatness in you, but I do."
I held his gaze, letting the moment breathe… letting my words hit him where they needed to land for him to receive what I was saying.
"And in my eyes, you're the greatest father a nigga could ask for."
"Fuck," Honor grunted, squeezing his eyes shut.
I stood up and pulled him into a hug.
"I love you."
"Love you too," he muttered, patting my back.
"Y'all niggas not leaving me out."
Crown wrapped his arms around us, and for a moment we stood there, allowing ourselves the freedom to be vulnerable without shame.
"Ight, y'all niggas starting to smell like onions 'cause my eyes are burning like crazy," Crown joked, backing up.
"Nigga, if ya ass is crying then say that." I laughed, taking my seat.
"You know he's only cool with crying behind Four." Honor chortled.
"See how they treat me, Dr. Lockhart?"
"Okay, let's settle down." Dr. Lockhart laughed before moving the session along.
While she spoke, I looked at my brothers and felt proud to share the same last name as these niggas. Three boys who grew up in a place meant to break us… sitting in a room learning how to be solid for each other.