Phoebe Press Play
PHOEBE
PRESS PLAY
My eyes opened to Xavier staring at me. After leaving the club, we came back to my apartment, but we didn’t have sex.
Instead, we stayed up and listened to music, shooting the shit while he talked about basketball and I explained to him what happened to Monk.
It was a little funny watching his reaction as I explained to him that Monk was my pony.
I needed the laugh because I was dying inside.
Xavier was truly a vibe, one I could put on repeat.
The scene of him and Apple played in my mind a few times, and even though I was afraid of the answer, I had to ask.
The shit was selfish as hell because I did have my own thing going on, but I liked him a lot.
If it were possible, something could come out of this. I wanted it all.
“Did you sleep with Apple?” I muttered.
His eyes narrowed in on me. “Does it matter?”
My lip disappeared between my teeth. Him asking me that and my reply would be a tell-tale sign that I was beyond into him.
“Yes,” I said softly.
“Then, no, I didn’t. She tried, but I couldn’t because the person I wanted to be with kind of stood me up.”
I giggled softly. “I didn’t. I—” I paused, “—I was late, that’s all.”
I wasn’t about to tell him that I had gone to see Percy, whether I was breaking it off or not. I was surprised Dio hadn’t said anything yet, but it was possible he didn’t because I knew he was pledging and no one could know. A secret for a secret.
I got up from the bed and walked toward the bathroom, but he grabbed my wrist, pulling me back onto the bed.
“What’s that?” he said.
Confused, I replied, “What’s what?”
Xavier pushed me on my back as his hand traveled down my belly. When he touched my thigh, I panicked and hopped out of bed.
“It’s nothing.”
His head fell back on the pillow. “You’re a goddamn lie. Bruh, I don’t have time for this shit. I’m out.”
“Why are you so impatient. Fuck! Just relax.”
He sat straight up. “No, you relax. Nigga, your thigh is all cut up and shit. Why? You into some freaky shit, or you’re like one of those—what you call it?”
“Cutter,” I mumbled.
He nodded. “Yeah, that.”
I stood there with no words at first, then forced myself to say it. “I’m a cutter, okay?!” I snapped. “I cut myself when I can’t deal with reality!” I shouted.
“First off, little Einstein, stop yelling. Second, what’s going on in your world that’s so fucked up that you're destroying your own flesh?”
I blew out a sharp breath. “I-I—”
It was hard to explain, but thinking about when I first did it came to mind.
The weight of Kyle’s death sat on me even after.
The guilt haunted me, which now gnawed at me.
Until one day, I needed a replacement for the hurt, for the anxiety, and for the pain.
It didn’t matter the amount of weed I smoked, the few shots of liquor I had, or my time with Monk; that pain was still there.
I wanted out, I wanted a way to change what I felt.
I found myself lying in the tub, holding a small blade to my wrist. I knew that my parents lost one child and couldn’t lose another.
Me self exiting couldn’t be it. So, instead of slicing my wrist, I took it to my thigh.
The pain was intense. It was dark, but euphoric.
In that moment, I forgot about everything.
Xavier sighed loudly, forcing my attention back on him.
He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t want to do this if you're going to be hiding shit. We sat up and talked all night. If you don’t feel like you can open up to me, what are we doing?
Are we just fucking, because if so, say that, and I will move accordingly. ”
Why was he being so fucking heartless? This was why I never shared what I was going through with people. The only one who knew what I was going through was Syior, and that was by default because he was there the night it all started.
“I’m not ready to share yet. I enjoy what you and I have, but if you cannot be patient, then do what you have to do.”
Xavier stood from the bed, causing me to look up at him.
“I never said I couldn’t be patient. What I said was be vocal because I’m not a nigga to play the guessing game.
So, let’s change the conversation. Can I take you on a date?
I know I got a boot on and all, but I can still dip you off to a restaurant or some shit. ”
I smiled. “Yes, you can.”
“Cool. We’re all going to support my brother’s girl tonight at the pageant, so tomorrow?”
“That’s cool.”
He leaned down and kissed me. I was taken by surprise because this was the first time I had let a guy kiss me.
Even Syior had never put his mouth on me, no matter how often I tried.
This was the first time I had ever been kissed.
I always daydreamed about what it would be like, and now that I was here, I wanted to stay.
Xavier pulled away. “You never been kissed before?”
My lips tightened. “Why do you say that?” I muttered.
“I can tell, unless I’m tripping.”
“No, I’ve never kissed a guy before,” I mumbled.
A smile eased on his face. “Don’t worry, little Einstein. I’ve got you. Relax your lips and follow my lead.”
Xavier gently gripped the back of my head and slowly pecked at my lips.
He sucked on them so good, my eyes slowly closed.
The moment I fully accepted his lip offering, my stomach fluttered.
His tongue entered my mouth and slowly rolled around my tongue.
I started doing what he was doing, and with every second we stood there, mouth to mouth, I fell deeper, melting in his hands like fucking putty. Right then, I knew Xavier was mine.
He picked me up, turning me to the bed and lying me on my back.
“I don’t understand anything about cutting, but I hope at some point you do decide to share with me,” he started as his hands caressed the area of my scars.
“Whatever it is that’s hurting to this point isn’t healthy.
Let me turn that hurt into peace,” he finished as he leaned forward and kissed my scars.
My eyes closed as I embraced his sentiment.
My emotions were at an all-time high. While he was being gentle to my needs, I was trying to decide how to tell him I was the reason my brother was dead.
Sharing my trauma sounded easy, but when I started getting to the dark parts, I was afraid it would become too much for others to bear.
The last thing I wanted was for Xavier to bear the weight of my emotions on his shoulders.
I was fucked up inside, and I didn’t need pity. I needed self-healing and love.