Chapter PHOEBE
PHOEBE
The moment Xavier agreed to talk to me, I felt a bit of relief. Once we were both in the car, I barely gave him time to close the door before I took off.
“Ayo, you played. Take me back!” he shouted.
“No.”
I knew I was going overboard by practically kidnapping him, but I was in a space where I felt like I desperately needed to explain.
I wanted to share things with him, but I needed him in a place in which he couldn’t walk away from me.
The entire Percy situation threw me for a loop.
The last thing I expected was for them to end up being roommates, but the way my life was set up, shit like that would happen to me.
Percy being in his feelings, I understood; however, the selfish part of me just wanted him to leave it where it was.
He knew exactly what he was doing when he opened his mouth.
I started feeling guilty because I realized he liked me, and he was just acting on what he thought was right at that moment.
He was cool, but I couldn't see myself with him. If I had given him a chance to show who he truly was, things might have been different, or maybe they would have stayed the same. It didn’t matter because the person I wanted was in my car, and I didn’t want to end something I knew could be great for both of us over a past nigga I didn’t want.
I liked Xavier, and I wanted to see this through, but if I couldn’t get him to hear me out, how would there ever be a chance between us? His yelling for to take him back was fucking with my head, so instead, I turned on some rock music to try to tune him out.
“Oh, hell nah, gang! You tripping!” he shouted before turning it down.
“Well, shut up!” I shouted back.
He waved me off. “You tripping. You kidnapped a nigga to listen to some rock music. You’re the problem.”
I shrugged as I hit another corner. “Maybe I am the problem, but you are too.”
He leaned forward to turn his body toward me. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You’re the one fucking on these niggas. I’m giving you the space.”
He was sitting here acting like the fact that I had a past with a guy I no longer wanted was an issue.
Xavier, known as the ladies’ man and the star of the basketball team, had a long line of women.
It wasn’t just Gabby, but Shonna, Shanae, Mercedes, Precious, and the list went on.
They probably weren’t all at once, but they were there.
His attitude—acting like he didn’t care when he clearly did—was the real problem.
So, even though I might have had a more recent encounter, he definitely wasn’t an angel.
I hit another corner before swerving into my driveway, slamming on the brakes, and sending him flying forward. “Get out!” I snapped.
PRESS PLAY
He ran his hand through his hair. “Phoebe, take me back, dawg. You’re doing all this shit for nothing.”
I slammed my hand on my steering wheel. “Xavier, please just get the fuck out!”
He shook his head, but he got out and limped his way to my door.
When we got inside, he stood there awkwardly as if he had never been in my place before.
The couch that sat to the right of us, he had fucked me on.
The bedroom that was down the hall, he had fucked me in, and this hall we stood in, he ate my pussy right there in the middle of it like fucking monster.
He was well acquainted not only with my body but also with my place.
“Man, talk. You’re doing all this extra shit. You know what you’re doing, bringing me here, and for real, the shit isn’t going to happen.”
I tossed my keys on the couch as I turned to him.
I never had to explain my situation before, so this was new to me.
The niggas that I’d dealt with never questioned my moves.
Hell, even Syior didn’t ask too many questions, and I had been fucking with him the longest. Xavier, though, was a tough cookie, and because I didn’t want anyone else's hand in the cookie jar, I knew this was the only option.
“Percy and I had been messing with each other since my freshman year. It was never a couple thing.” I paused. “For me, it was a coping thing.”
He held his hand out. “Like the shit on your thigh? That’s for coping, too, right? So, now you’re basically telling me that you’re a cutting sex addict?”
I closed my eyes because what was I to say? Him saying it out loud hurt, but I knew I had to take it to get over this.
“Tell me I’m wrong because that’s what I’m getting. A pretty-ass face with an ugly interior. How often are you fucking these niggas? Because I’m sure you fucking on that nigga who was at the club too.”
I moved closer to him while trying to grab his hand, but he pulled away from me. “Phoebe, you need to start talking before I have one of my niggas slide through and scoop me.”
A sharp exhale left my lips before I started to explain.
“Xavier, that’s what it is, but it isn’t.
I do cut, but it's way darker than you think. Sex is like a substitute for cutting. You saw my thighs; they’re destroyed.
However, I enjoy it. I enjoy the pain that comes from cutting to help me take the pain of what’s going on up here—” I pointed to my head, then heart, “—and here. The moments I try not to resort to cutting, I choose sex. There aren’t any feelings behind it.
I’m protecting myself, but it gives me a feeling that takes me away, even if for a few moments. ”
He stood there looking at me, trying to make sense of what I was telling him. I tried reading his eyes to see if he even understood anything I was saying. I knew it sounded crazy, but to me, it made sense.
“So, what you’re saying is there is nothing there when we’re fucking? You feel nothing for me?”
Now it was me running my hand through my hair.
I had never been in a position where I found it necessary to express myself to a man.
Syior had brushed me off when I tried. Honestly, after Kyle died, so did my feelings, but Xavier did make me feel something.
It was something I enjoyed, and I didn’t want to let go of it.
Being around him didn’t make me feel like I wanted to cut; I didn’t feel the urge to have sex.
It was merely him being himself, listening and looking at me the way he did that made me feel safe.
“I do. I feel a lot when I’m with you. You make me smile, you touch me in a different way, you listen, and you make me happy.
Xavier, I can promise you I haven’t felt this way in years.
Now I’m starting to feel again, and I don’t want to let it go.
You’re here in my space. Nobody has been here but you. ”
I meant what I said. I did like Xavier, and for the first time, I wanted to see what it felt like to be in a relationship. I moved closer to him again, but this time, he didn’t move.
“Xavier, I have not slept with Percy since the beginning of the semester; that is the truth.”
His eyes lowered on me. “What about that other nigga?”
Fuck! I didn’t want to answer that question because I didn’t want to lie, but this was me taking a chance and opening up. I opened my mouth and then closed it. Sighing loudly, I let it out.
“Yes, I did. The same night I saw you and Apple.”
I could see his face growing angry. He pulled his phone from his pocket and called someone.
“Come get me. I sent you the location.”
He backed up until he walked out the door. “Don’t follow me, dawg,” he said as he limped to the curb.
I wasn’t going to chase behind him. If he wanted to walk away from me, so be it. I tried, but I still failed. I closed the door behind him as tears began to well in my eyes. I made my way to the bathroom. It was me vs. me in the mirror. The girl I was and the one I wanted to be.
As bad as I tried not to, I opened the door and pulled out my razor because at least with this, the pain would be different.
I pulled off my leggings and glanced at my thighs.
For every cut, there was a heartbreak. Years of slicing into my flesh had mutilated my upper thighs.
It was so bad that I had to reopen wounds, not only into my flesh, but also those healed scars I had closed mentally.
I placed the razor on one of the already-healed scars.
My hand shook as the tip of the razor sank into my skin, popping the scar open, letting a little blood ooze.
“Fuuck!” A whine left my lips. My body leaned against the wall as I rested my head on it. I took in a deep breath, and then I began to slice across. “Ssss!” I hissed.
As I was going into the next seconds of a euphoric feeling, my bathroom door swung open!
“Phoebe! I knew it!” Xavier shouted. “Shit, come on, man. You ain’t got to do this,” he said as he took the razor out of my hand, tossing it on the counter.
My head slowly turned to him as a tear slid down my face. “I’m so fucked up,” I cried.
Even with a hurt ankle, he picked me up and carried me out of the bathroom. When we got back into the living room, he placed me on the couch. His eyes looked frantic, and his breathing was heavy.
“What can I do to make sure this doesn’t happen again? A nigga can’t walk around knowing you’re doing this to yourself. This shit is a sickness just like what my brother was going through, and I can’t. I just fucking can’t.”
His brother? I was curious because my brother had a sickness as well. I knew we were the same, I thought.
Before he could say another word, someone came through the front door. My head turned to see his brother. “Y-y-y-you gu-g-good?”
I looked at Xavier, and he looked at me, then at his brother. “Yeah, Jalen. I’m good. I’m going to stay with her. Sorry, my nigga.”
Jalen looked at me strangely, then eased out of the door before closing it.
The last thing I wanted was his brother thinking I was forcing Xavier to stay.
The reality was, whether he was here or not, this was going to happen regardless.
If Xavier and I were going to make it, he needed to know everything, and tonight was only scratching the surface of how fucked up things were for me.