Chapter 43
— Scout —
Finally, some of the burning ice dissolved from my gut. I linked our fingers, then kissed Remmy’s knuckles. Holding her gaze, I barely dared to blink as we looked at each other. Mercifully, she gave me a small smile, and while it didn’t reach her eyes, it seemed sincere.
I shifted on my knees. “Want that coffee now, sweetheart?”
Her shoulders sagged in relief with her exhale. Maybe she truly thought I was going to kick her out.
“I desperately want a shower but can’t decide which one first.”
“Both,” I announced, getting to my feet, then offering my hand. “Let’s get you sorted in the shower, then I’ll bring you the best damn coffee you’ve ever had.”
She rose and happily re-linked her fingers with mine. “Honestly, you could offer me floor sweepings, and I wouldn’t refuse. I feel that shitty.”
“A shower will help.”
Leading her upstairs, purposely not glancing toward the kitchen, I flicked on the shower to heat while Remmy stood back, hugging herself. My gut rolled again, and the whispered dark voices grew a fraction louder.
I mentally pushed them down, hard, fighting to give Remmy my entire attention. My own demons would have to wait, at least for a few more minutes.
“Are you getting in too?” she asked, voice quiet, almost timid.
Pressing my lips to the top of her head while hugging her, I murmured into her hair, “I’ll join you soon with coffee.”
Her soft snicker made me smile. “Coffee in the shower again?”
“Ain’t no better way to give it.”
“Sans the risk of scalding my tits, I agree.”
The tension in the room eased. I chuckled while rocking us from side to side a little. “I’ll be up soon. Make the most of having the water all to yourself, because when I get back, I’m going to hog it.”
I expected a sassy retort. Instead, I got that same small smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She leaned into my palm when I cupped her cheek, and goddamn if my heart didn’t fall further when her eyes fluttered closed and a contented sigh left her mouth.
I brushed my lips across hers, feeling her smile then kiss me back.
“I love you, honey. Hang tight.”
“I love you too.”
Remmy’s fingertips feathered across my bare torso as I stepped away, as if craving one last touch before I left the room.
With a tight smile, I softly closed the door behind me. As soon as I did, my gut rolled violently. I bit it all down, I really fucking did, but as I jogged my way downstairs, the gnawing anxiety gathered strength. In a situation so out of control, Remmy needed me to be strong for her. To be the stable one. Not the one spiraling.
In the kitchen, I crouched to pluck up each rogue little pill. Despite Remmy being in the shower, I poured them from my hand into the bottles as quietly as I could. Each soft clattering sound as the pills tumbled in gave me another reason to push aside my own demons to fight hers.
The guilt over carelessly leaving my meds in temptation’s way had my stomach pitching again. It surged unexpectedly. I rushed to hide the med bottles, then hauled in massive inhales while I fought to settle my gut.
All attempts to breathe through the rising nausea failed. It was coming whether I welcomed it or not.
Hurrying to the downstairs bathroom, I fell to my knees in front of the toilet with a muffled groan, internally begging for help that wouldn’t come while warring with myself. Throw up one voice demanded. Stay strong the other implored.
Back and forth, back and forth, until a tortuous yell of frustration rose up my chest. Shaking with tears filling my eyes, I planted my uninjured elbow on the toilet rim and gripped my hair.
I panted through another surge of nausea, knowing that ultimately, burning morning acid would rise from my otherwise empty stomach. And the hypocrisy wasn’t lost on me either—there I was, urging Remmy to resist her demons while I succumbed to mine. I had to get a grip on them. I couldn’t let her find out just how bad they’d been recently.
My fingers released their grip in my hair to poise in front of my panting mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut as the knot in my stomach clenched. And just as my fingertips danced over the back of my tongue, an almighty bang hit the door, slamming it open against the wall. A bolt of pain seared through my slung elbow as I jolted with fright. Remmy filled the doorway, feet hip-width apart and hands readied at her sides, looking like goddamn Wonder Woman wrapped in a towel.
“Get up,” she snarled, eyes lit with rage.
“Get out ,” I hissed back.
“Get the fuck up,” she all-out screamed at me with a savage point of her finger. “Don’t you dare preach to me—to vow to help me through my shit—then push me away to deal with yours alone. Get the fuck up, Scout, or I’ll make you.”
Defiance flashed in her eyes. It burned brighter each second I stayed crouched, weighing my response.
Slowly, so fucking slowly, I rose as if trying not to provoke a wild bear. She watched my every movement, no doubt ready to unleash hell if I so much as breathed the wrong way.
“Did you do it?” she demanded when I was at full height.
I shook my head a little. “No.”
“Good.” A lift of her chin intensified her purpose. “Now go get me coffee, and if you so much as deviate from that single plan, I’ll make your day a living hell.”
I didn’t know whether to be royally pissed off, intimidated, or impressed at the gall she had issuing orders like that.
Despite wanting to shrink, I held her glare as I prowled past, telling myself I still had a choice over my own actions. But I wasn’t stupid enough to assume Remmy wouldn’t follow through with her threats.
Her footsteps thumped heavily as she ascended the stairs, and a foul mood settled over me as I headed in the opposite direction. My ego got scalded. Embarrassment burned over every inch of my skin while mocking taunts of weakness wouldn’t shut the fuck up from within.
Having passed the point of “fuck it all”, I ignored the coffee maker and strode outside, not giving a single thought of the repercussions as I jumped in the pool.
The jolt of the impact hurt my elbow, but the cold-water shock immediately iced all self-loathing. It forced my focus from the disgusting roll in my stomach to the goosebumps prickling my skin. I stayed underwater, welcoming how the submergence dulled out the loud world. My thoughts shifted as my lungs screamed for air, but I refused to surface until I almost involuntary took a breath. Breaking the surface with a massive gasp and spray of water had the world snapping back with renewed sharpness.
The taunts in my head were gone, as was the threatening rise of my stomach contents.
I scrubbed my hand over my face, then flicked out my hair as I waded for the steps. With zero more fucks given, I kicked off my soaking underwear at the sliding door, then left wet footprints as I hazardously picked my way across the glossy kitchen tiles.
Coffee ready and waiting, I took the entire glass carafe upstairs to the en suite. Remmy’s expression spoke many unvoiced words as I stepped into the shower holding it.
“Why the hell are you already wet?”
“Went for a swim,” I muttered, offering the coffee pot her way, careful not to slosh any over the rim. “Here’s your lifesource.”
A disbelieving puff came from her mouth. “You’ve just had surgery, you should not be swimming, Scout. That shouldn’t even be getting wet,” she said, pointing at my slung elbow.
I shrugged because my fucks still remained at nil. “It’s the same as showering.”
“It is not. It’s negligence.”
That got my back up. “You’re not my fucking mother.”
Lord help me, Remmy looked about to dunk my balls in the coffee pot.
“You’re right. I’m not,” she snapped. “But isn’t she a nurse? I’m pretty sure she’d tell you the same thing.”
I bit back a retort because my mother sure as hell would have given me an almost identical lecture.
I silently stepped around Remmy into the water. After a minute of literally being able to feel her glare stabbing all over my back, I finished soaping, then dipped my head against the shower spray.
Remmy kept quiet and didn’t touch me, to the point I thought she’d silently slipped from the shower to leave me to my wallowing. But no…
“Shall we remove your sling since it’s sopping? I’ll help you dry and redress the wound,” came her voice, now soft and caring will all razored edges gone.
I turned and narrowed my eyes a little. “Are we done fighting?”
She studied me for moment, head cocked and gaze unblinking. “I am if you are.”
“Good.”
“Great,” she countered, then took a careful sip from the coffee pot. “Ahh, that’s good. Okay, hold this while I get towels.”
Leaving no room for protest, Remmy thrust the carafe at me, then stepped onto the bathmat. I watched her as warm water ran down my back, then sipped directly from the carafe just as she had.
When she was ready and wrapped in a towel, I nudged the shower handle off, then offloaded the carafe back to her.
She snorted. “This is ridiculous.”
“I could have carried two mugs in one hand but didn’t want to risk staining the carpet.”
“In hindsight, I should have helped.”
I scoffed as she began to dry my back. “In hindsight, I shouldn’t have jumped in the pool.”
Her brief snicker filled the bathroom while she moved around me, carefully toweling my body.
“Jesus Christ, look at us. We’re a right pair, aren’t we,” I drawled.
Green eyes found mine as she dried off my neck and shoulders. “I’m glad we are. I’d hate to be the only one who had issues. That would be completely selfish.”
Despite the weight of this morning, I chuckled and lifted my injured arm as she dried. “We can be fucked up together.”
She dropped to kneel as she worked down my legs. “It means we can heal together too.”
I hummed, trying to ignore how she became a little more meticulous drying my junk. When she slid the towel to my backside, I called it quits.
“G’me the towel—I’m drying my own ass.”
Remmy laughed. “You weren’t complaining a second ago.”
“A second ago, you weren’t going to take it too far by purposely touching my asshole again.”
“Oh my god, you’re so dramatic. Come out here and let me help you get dressed, then I’ll replace your dressings.”
And for the second time that morning, I took the path of least resistance and did what I was goddamn told.