Chapter 12
PAUL
Ten Years Ago
My heart was in my throat as I ran to the cottage Holly shared with her mum. Donna had called the café and my mum had woken me up to tell me Holly was leaving this morning. I couldn’t believe she had planned to go without telling me.
‘Were you just going to leave?’ I demanded as I skidded to a halt beside her car as she heaved a suitcase into the boot.
‘I thought it was better this way,’ Holly replied as she closed the boot up with a thud that wasn’t much louder than the frantic beating of my heart.
‘You’re acting like we’ll never see each other again,’ I said. It was making me anxious. I’d seen her pretty much every day of my life for the past five years. The thought of her not being around the corner was freaking me the hell out.
‘You’ll be back in the holidays, right?’ I hated how desperate I sounded but this was crazy. She said she needed time to settle in at university before I could visit but surely, she’d return to Birchbrook for Christmas break?
‘I don’t know; I’ll have to see how it goes. It’s pretty far away and it’s not like anyone will want to see me here.’
‘I will, Hols,’ I said, adjusting the beanie on my head nervously. I wanted to tell her there was no one I’d miss more than her, but it seemed like she wasn’t going to miss me at all if she couldn’t even promise to be back in December.
‘I’m sorry. You know I need to get away.’ She glanced back at the cottage she’d lived in for her whole life. ‘Things are so rubbish with my family, everyone talking about us… and besides, this was always my plan. It was yours too at one point.’
‘Yeah, I know.’ I looked away. We had talked about it but I didn’t get into the same university we’d both applied for.
I was only accepted by the local one and my parents suggested I worked part-time in our café while I went there.
I didn’t want to tell Holly I’d failed. That I wasn’t good enough to come along with her in this next part of her life.
She thought I hadn’t applied at all. She thought I’d let her down.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘Maybe I’m not as brave as you,’ I choked out.
The thought of leaving Birchbrook kept me awake at night.
‘Maybe you’re braver, actually,’ Holly replied. I guessed she was just pitying me because I felt like a complete coward. Why couldn’t I tell her how much she meant to me? ‘We’ll keep in touch,’ she promised then.
My heart lifted. I didn’t want to show her how much I wanted to keep her in my life.
I wanted to seem cool and casual. So, I nodded.
‘Of course we will. Shall we?’ I held out an arm awkwardly and she slipped into my arms. We didn’t hug often.
And Holly was usually the one to initiate it but I knew that saying goodbye was a time where I could suggest it without it seeming weird.
I tried to keep it quick but I did squeeze her tightly, telling myself to remember how she felt in my arms.
When she pulled back, I looked away in case she could see how much I didn’t want her to go. I knew she wanted this. She deserved to be happy more than anyone I knew. I just wished it didn’t mean she was leaving me behind to do it.
There was a second of hesitation when I thought about pulling her back to me and giving her the kiss I’d wanted to for years. But the fear of rejection stopped me. The fear I wasn’t good enough for her. The fear that she could never feel for me the way I felt about her was too fucking strong.
I had to get away before I ruined our friendship forever.
‘I’ll see you, Holly.’ I walked away then and put my hands into fists, my knuckles turning white as I told myself to not look back like a pining idiot.
She didn’t need me ruining this day for her.
She seemed so happy and excited and confident.
I would just hold her back so even though it killed me, I didn’t tell her how I felt.
And I’d regretted it every day since.