Chapter 17
PAUL
I didn’t want to admit that I was nervous but I had changed my shirt four times so the evidence was, unfortunately, speaking for itself.
I honestly believed that time had a mind of its fucking own.
When you wanted something to come around, time seemed to slow down but when you were enjoying something, it flew by.
My nerves about Saturday night meant it arrived quickly when the week so often dragged.
‘Get a fucking grip,’ I told myself sternly as I put on a navy beanie to match my dark-blue shirt and jeans.
I took the beanie off and stared in the mirror.
For a second, I considered going out without wearing one but I quickly put it back on.
I added my favourite trainers and then hurried out of my flat before I ended up changing again.
Downstairs, my parents had closed the café for the day and were doing the final tidying up before having Sunday off, the only day of the week we weren’t open.
‘Are you wearing cologne?’ Dad asked as I brushed past them, hoping to make it out without conversation. No such luck. These were my parents, after all.
I just shrugged. I had spritzed a bit. My ex, Rach, had bought it for me one birthday but I rarely bothered to put any on.
‘Where are you off to, love?’ Mum asked, taking in my slightly smarter than usual outfit.
‘You do know I turned twenty-eight a couple of months ago, right?’
‘You just look nice. Hot date?’ Mum said with a sly smile.
I sighed as I grabbed my keys where I’d left them. ‘I’m off skating as I always do, then getting a drink with the lads afterwards.’ I avoided her eyes. ‘Holly is coming too.’
‘Sounds nice,’ she replied casually.
That got my attention. I side-eyed her as I headed for the door. ‘Just nice?’
‘Have fun,’ Dad said, and they suspiciously carried on with their tasks.
‘No more comments than that?’ I asked as I opened the door of the café. I was used to them trying to find out all they could about my personal life. Their non-interest in this was confusing.
‘Say hi to Holly,’ Mum called over her shoulder.
I narrowed my eyes but I had no time to work out what was up with them. I shrugged and left the café.
The cool November breeze whipped around me as I made my way to my car.
It was dark outside, the stars peeking weakly though the low clouds that covered the town.
The fairy lights strung across the High Street brightened the evening up though and I had to admit the road was special at this time of year.
I didn’t know why I was nervous. This was just us reliving days of our youth. But I remembered what those days had meant to me. And if I was honest, nothing else since Holly had left had come close to meaning as much.
Birch Tree Farm was quiet and still when I drove in.
The farmhouse was all lit up, looking welcoming when Holly hurried out, waving to me as she walked to the car and climbed in.
Instantly, I smelled her perfume and noticed she had red lipstick on.
‘I need a drink like you wouldn’t believe,’ she said as we set off for the ice rink.
I liked going to the last ice session of the day so I could grab a drink afterwards either with Elliot and Lewis, or I’d head to the Birchbrook Arms and see who was there that I could have a beer with.
I knew all the clientele so I never felt weird walking in alone.
But tonight, I wouldn’t be alone for any of it.
My monthly ritual had suddenly changed. It was slightly discombobulating.
‘Tough week?’ I asked as I drove us to the ice rink. I wondered whether she was nervous or not. She always seemed confident so it was hard to tell.
‘It’s been full-on. Coming back home and then throwing myself into the winter wonderland. Not to mention all the shit I left behind in the city.’
I wondered what the shit she referred to was. I thought she loved it in the city. Before I could answer, she continued her list.
‘And then had lunch with my mum…’
‘Dad said you came in. How did it go?’
‘She was annoyed at me saying I have always hated Christmas so why am I creating a winter wonderland, why did I offer to help decorate the café, and why won’t I come to the cottage and put up the Christmas tree with her?
She was the one that made the two Christmases I was at home without Dad the most-un-festive ones ever.
It’s no wonder I was put off the season.
I just don’t think she gets how much him running off with my teacher changed everything.
She mumbled something about forgiving her…
’ She trailed off and looked out of the window.
‘You kept a lot from her,’ I said, thinking back.
Holly snapped her head round to look at me. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You didn’t tell her about how hard some of the kids at school were making things for you.
All the taunts and the teasing and how upset it made you.
’ Holly had said at the time that her mum didn’t seem to care that the town was gossiping about her dad leaving and didn’t ask Holly how she was feeling about it all and basically was acting like nothing had happened.
So, Holly hadn’t told her what was going on.
I had said she should but she had been adamant.
‘Surely she could see how bad I felt,’ Holly said.
There was that flash of stubbornness I remembered when we were younger. ‘Maybe you both hid things from each other,’ I suggested.
‘This is why I wanted to get away from Birchbrook – people think they know everything about you,’ she said, turning away from me again.
I knew she was trying to hurt me with that. I didn’t rise to it but turned the car CD player on. I had known Holly inside and out and she’d run away from me. God, I wished I hadn’t cared as much as I had about her.
After a few minutes, she broke the silence. ‘I can’t believe you still listen to this band.’
‘Nothing new sounds as good.’
‘Have you tried new things?’ she teased but her words stung a bit. I was a creature of habit even though I tried not to be.
‘I guess I know what I like,’ I replied, wishing I could change things but I always felt so stuck. Holly must think I was a loser for not doing something more with my life. This night was starting to feel like a bad idea.
We arrived at the ice rink, I picked up my skates and then we went inside. It was packed as it always was on a Saturday night but I liked the energy and buzz about the place.
‘Are you going to skate too?’ I asked. ‘Seeing as you think people should try new things?’ A low blow maybe but I was still bristling at how she thought I was stuck in the past.
‘No, I have some emails to send on my phone. I’ll see you after for that drink.’
I watched her wander over to the stands and sit down, pulling her phone out.
With a sigh, I paid for a skating session then grabbed a locker to stow away my trainers and put on my skates.
Then I headed for the ice. There was music on and lots of people having fun but it all faded into the background when I stepped onto the ice.
I started to skate, whipping around the outside of the rink, avoiding those clinging to the barriers to glide smoothly around the arena, my mind clearing of all thoughts as I enjoyed the feeling; it was like flying on the ground.
But after a couple of laps, I found my thoughts creeping back in, which usually never happened. Well, it was just one thought.
Holly.
I risked a peek up at the viewing stands.
Holly wasn’t looking down at her phone, but was watching me.
I pretended not to see and carried on, taking a couple of sneaky checks to see she was still looking at me.
I spun around to skate backwards, looking up and met her gaze.
As I waved, she shook her head but she smiled and waved back.
I wondered if her cheeks had turned pink again at me catching her watching.
I had done that a few times when we were growing up too.
I had liked her watching me skate. It had given me hope that she liked what she saw but I never had the guts to find out.
‘Paul!’
At the sound of my name, I looked over to the opposite side of the stands to see someone was beckoning me over.
I skated to the side and realised who it was.
‘Hey, Rach,’ I said to my ex. Holly was right about the one downside of sticking around this town – you might see people you didn’t necessary want to.
I was surprised too. She’d never offered to come to the rink when we were together.
‘How come you’re here?’ I asked. I’d seen her a few times on and off in the two years since we’d ended things and there had been one drunken kiss at last New Year’s but we hadn’t been in contact for months.
‘You look good out here. I’m with my nephew and niece. Want to get some food with us afterwards?’
‘I can’t tonight,’ I said. ‘My old friend is back in town.’ I gestured in Holly’s direction.
Rach looked and when she saw it was a woman, her eyes narrowed. ‘Why don’t I know her?’
‘She left Birchbrook when we were eighteen.’
‘You mean…’ She turned back to me in shock. ‘Is that Holly?’
Rach had been at school with us, although she was a couple of years younger. She’d asked me once if Holly and I had been a couple and had seemed relieved when I’d told her we’d never even kissed.
‘That’s right. She’s working at Birch Tree Farm for Christmas.’
‘Well, okay, maybe next time then?’ Rach looked hopeful but I wasn’t sure why; she had been the one to end things.
‘Maybe,’ I replied, unsure what good it would do either of us. I waved goodbye and carried on skating for the rest of my session. When I finished, I changed back into my trainers and found Holly heading for the bar.
‘What drink can I get you to help you forget the tough week?’ I asked, joining her.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ignoring my question. ‘In the car… I’m sorry.’ She reached for my arm and gave it one gentle squeeze.
I was startled by the sudden touch. ‘It’s fine. Maybe you’re right. We don’t know each other any more.’
‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘You were right about me and my mum, and that’s why I got so annoyed. You do still know me and that’s scary.’
I looked into her green eyes, behind those cute glasses, and suddenly wanted to erase all her fears forever.
‘Hey, guys.’
We both jumped as Elliot appeared beside us and we broke our eye contact. I had a funny feeling that we were both relieved he had come over.